MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

"I would need a third party here to try to explain in a kind way why her behaviour is dominating and out of order."

I agree. She will end up driving you both away unless she starts behaving rationally. I can't get over how young she is.

I'm sure DH has been informed of "strange man" (cabby) picking you up and you staying out all hours already. Run, don't walk, away from this psycho

It's all very well that your DH/FIL shirk away etc, but talking to her has not worked so far.

When you do, she fakes having a heart attack, lies about being locked out and then slags you off/calls you a bitch.

Enough is enough OP.

When you said you moved closer due to FIL health....he is only 63....and she is only 52!

This will only get worse or drive a wedge in your relationship.

She is batshit and life is too short to be contending with this everyday. And the only person who it is effecting is YOU....FIL/DH are at work so can ignore it.

The phone calls and harrassment is now constant, she rings 20 plus times every single day and its an impossible situation. If you do nothing now it will only get worse with time. I really wish we had tackled MIL's issues when she was younger its too late now to do anything.

How on earth do you cope with that?

OP hope you enjoy your dinner and movie

Op, if this is 'new' behaviour from MIL do you think (given her age) she might be menopausal and it's affecting her badly? Some people react very badly at this time and it can cause utterly irrational behaviour. One thing's for suresies, this is NOT normal behaviour and there is an underlying problem somewhere. She can't be happy.

That's not to say that you should have to tolerate it, but I think it's worth asking her the question and if so, HRT is one way she can be helped. It's possible that she recognises that she's irrational but can't help herself.

She really cannot be well. Standing outside in the cold bashing on the door for ages when you've made it clear over and over again that she is not to keep interrupting you, and when she's called you a bitch, is really disturbed behaviour. It's particularly strange that she's got like this only when you moved nearby, when she presumably coped fine previously when you were further away. Your husband needs to talk to his father about getting her to a doctor.

I don't get this. Why should she be unwell? She's more than likely just incredibly spoilt and has been allowed to get her own way by throwing tantrums left right and centre.

Tattycat the mental health problems have been there for a while by the sound of it - the denial about eating/lying about the cause of her weight problem and eating food from the OP's house.

Although I may be looking at this from the POV that I am the same age as the MIL and the menopause hasn't done that to me!

She can't work because she has to look after the cats?!? Well, I think FIL would be well within his rights to tell her that the cats can look after themselves for at least a few hours a day and to get herself a job volunteering somewhere to help the less fortunate!

Although it sounds as though he's learned to shut up for the sake of a quiet life. DH and he really should be stepping up, but, as they have lived with this for years, presumably it's their normal? And how can you argue with normality?

But 52. Ffs. She's younger than me.

"Op, if this is 'new' behaviour from MIL do you think (given her age) she might be menopausal and it's affecting her badly?"

Sorry, but I don't buy that at all. That just gives all other menopausal women a bad name. The menopause certainly didn't do that to me either.

sorry theres acting different then theres faking a heartattack fro attnetion

"he just said he's sorry and "you know what she's like" "
Ah, now that's a VERY interesting thing for FIL to say. Because you've also said "MIL was completely normal until we moved!" So either she's only been 'like' this for three years, or she's been like this a lot longer but he's been covering up. I do wonder. I used to know someone who had always considered her grandmother a little eccentric, not nasty like your MIL, just prone to general oddness. When her grandfather died, the full scale of the oddness became apparent. Turned out she had ?vascular dementia?, her husband basically covered it up, friend had no idea.

I think perhaps your husband should press his dad on exactly what his mother is like.

That just gives all other menopausal women a bad name

I disagree. The majority of women sail through menopause with little or no impact, but for some who don't, the impact can be devastating. Just because one person isn't affected doesn't mean that it's not debilitating for someone else. And yes, it can cause irrational behaviour, particularly if you're not in a 'good place' to begin with.

I went through it at 35 and had no idea what was wrong with me until it became obvious (erratic periods before they stopped completely). It affected my life very badly - my memory, my mood, my logic, my physical being, my relationship(s), my work... everything. I became a different person and someone I didn't even recognise myself. HRT saved me, otherwise I don't think I'd be here today. Within 3 months I was back to being 'normal' again and I never, ever want to go back to that dark place.

Yep, I know of no menopausal symptoms which would do this. Speaking as a 53year old menopausal woman.

StrangeLooking, there's plenty of evidence in OP's posts that her MiL is likely to be unwell - not least in her behaviour in relation to food, for example.

Like many others I’m surprised at your MIL’s age and had thought she was much older. On the other hand, knowing her age I’d assume she never really grew up. What do you know about her parents?

She has a lot of friends and a very active social life so I can't believe it comes from loneliness

So she obviously managed perfectly well before you moved, in terms of having other people to engage with. And presumably she’s had enough awareness to not treat other people the way she’s been treating you. Maybe her behaviour has been constrained by living in a fairly restricted social environment, while at the same time her husband has ended up being passive and not challenging her on her behaviour.

But you’re an “outsider” and also someone she doesn’t feel the need to respect. Her referring to herself as your mother is very weird; it’s as though for her the term “mother” is about ownership rather than being maternal.

Obviously her behaviour has gone completely over the top and you’ve been on the receiving end of that, and no wonder that you got to the end of your tether. But your DH might have to go through some challenging thinking about the dynamics of his family. It could be that all seemed well when he was growing up, but her behaviour now could make him question his past in trying to make sense of the present, which is often a very difficult thing to do. He’s obviously on your side, which of course he should be; but he also needs to be on his side as well in coming to terms with how his mother could behave so badly towards his wife.

There are two (of many) books that are recommended on the “Stately Homes” threads here; one is called “Toxic Parents” and the other is called “Toxic In-laws”. They are difficult and painful to read, so you might not want to go in that direction yet; but maybe just have those in the back of your minds if/when you both find the need to look further into what the heck is going on.

Menopause symptoms vary from person to person, it can be a difficult time when existing problems are amplified, so if she had tendencies a time of stress such as menopause may have triggered an escalation

I am not saying that menopausal women are batty, just that stress can bring out latent battiness

Formerpigwrestler9

it brought out my latent battiness, for sure. A period of massive instability but probably a result of my circumstances at the time.

Wow, hope you enjoyed the cinema this evening and didn't come home to any kitchen raiding squatters OP!!

Ride the storm, hopefully when this has passed you can heal the relationship again, if you want to. It would be totally fair enough to never speak to this woman again. 4 doors down or not!

YellowBlinds Do you use Reddit? There's a forum called JustNoMil, where you will be able to find support from people who have/are going through similar situations to you.

Good luck with it all.

It could be the menopause. Before anyone jumps on me from a great height and tells me I don't know what I am talking about, let me explain. My own MIL was 52 when I met he, it was obvious to me that something wasn't quite right with her, she had paranoia, was delusional, depressed, my DH said it started with the change, FIL had medical doctorate that know one knew about...he was actually a mechanical fitter but he deemed himself the expert on all things medical, an aspirin was the cure all for everything. Ma in law got worse, she eventually stopped speaking, the paranoia worsened and she began to have blackouts, to cut a long story short these were in fact small strokes leading to vascular dementia. We learned that some years before the blackouts began her doctor (a real one) had prescribed HRT but FIL stopped her from taking it as he didn't want her taking 'that hormone rubbish'.
I agree that ops mil sounds like a mil from hell but she could be ill and her husband and son could step up and try to get her some help.

You need to sit down at a later date and remind them of the reasons you moved closer to them and if your boundaries can no longer be respected then you would be forced to move therefore not being the help they had so needed in the future. Make it clear that MIL is the only one that has caused this to happen and this is the thanks you have had for trying to be a supportive DIL (and sounds like you have gone above and beyond way more than most OP) and that it is harassment to defy your request when working.

Either that or tell her she is batshit, and that you will never come between he and DH but she is burning bridges well enough on her own and to think very carefully about her behaviour as she is driving everyone away. Remind her of the nice relationship you all had when boundaries were not overstepped.

How was the film, OP?

Hope you enjoyed your evening out OP.
Agree with others, I really thought she was in her late seventies. It sounds a really empty life, only 52, never worked, stays at home for cats?
I can't reconcile this behavior with the comment that she has loads of friends.........