MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

*That whole "leave on the lights so she thinks you're in" thing is just unkind. Why would you lower yourself.

Fevered pack mentality.*

Not at all.

The overwhelming advice has been to let her kick and scream as much as she likes whilst refusing to back down until she gets the message, and the analogies to "controlled crying" and ignoring toddler tantrums are good ones.

This is very stressful for the OP though, she's already had to do it this afternoon, and given that the MIL isn't a child, OP can get some of this hard work without actually being there to suffer herself.

I do think it's important that MIL be asked not to come around beforehand though: she has only explicitly been asked not to come round during working hours so far, so although she'd be mad and completely unhinged to repeat the performance this evening, it won't be directly flouting instruction like she was earlier.

You haven't heard from your MIL since NATR managed to wrangle back into her house, have you OP?

Goodness me, I've only been out at work since 9, took me ages to catch up. Wowsers.

This is a woman with too much time on her hands.

No wonder the fil stays well out of it.

No nothing yet.
I'm getting ready to go out though and have called a cab so I can have a glass of wine.

Leaving a light on as PP have said, though we generally do this anyway.

OP, she sounds an utter nightmare! Your DH sounds lovely though. As a PP said, he's going through a rough time (you both are!) but she's his mum so it's especially hard that she's batshit acting so irrationally.

The main thing is that you two carry on with your united front - don't let her wiggle her way between you and make it clear to her that you are in this together and she doesn't get to call you a bitch and upset you in this way without her relationship with her son being affected.

Good luck

Hope you have a lovely night OP and enjoy that glass of wine - you certainly deserve it after today!

I'd also get a lock for the kitchen door. And only have one key. If the kitchen is closed she won't be going through your cupboards when you are out.

You could have this for the next 40 years!

Well done so far OP. Definitely insist the FIL steps up, he's young enough to be able to cope too.

I'd have a sign on the door stating I wasn't taking visitors whenever working and not to take offence if you don't answer the door.

Nightmare, but thoroughly entertaining.

What a nightmare. I did think she'd meant she was locked out of your house when she discovered she no longer had a key. Sad my cynicalness was confirmed. What a nightmare. Your DH and FIL are really going to have to step up and rein her in until you can move house. And you will need to move house.

Enjoy your movie and wine tonight. Well deserved.

(Waves at star of a neighbor.)

Enjoy the movie and the large glass of wine - well deserved

I was surprised when I saw the ages of MIL & FIL earlier in the thread, I was expecting them to be much older

MIL is behaving like Marie on channel 4 "Everybody loves Raymond" but her behaviour last night was horrible and much worse than anything I have ever heard of

Enjoy the film and wine :)

I basically do the same thing when the Jehovah's witnesses come round

Blimey! If she's more tenacious than the JW's I really pity you!

MIL FAKED A HEART ATTACK

Shes been watching the Steptoe and Son reruns on Drama. The old man in this used to pull this particular stunt.

She's SO pretty Sou

I love a tortie!

She's SO pretty Sou

I love a tortie!

Worra

I can't believe she banged on your door for 45m. Tho well done for ignoring

Fil needs to step up ESP if you really moved to be nearer to him as older /poorly

Write a diary of when she rings bell and texts you

Sure she will be round tomorrow doing the same

Enjoy the film

I just rtft and can only say wow! What a tough situation. Nothing but respect for how you've handled it. You are a better person than I. Really don't think I would have the patience, I'm pretty sure I would have exploded well before now!

Enjoy your movie x

I agree with Megatherium. It does sound like she has mental health issues that haven't been addressed. I am 6 years older than her and had assumed she was in her 70s. It also sounds like she has a very empty life. I work part time, go to the gym and meet up with friends on my days off, and can't understand why she doesn't have a job.

Can I suggest that you install some CCTV.

As completely over the top and out of order her behaviour is I do wonder if she's lonely and is just trying get someone to pay her some attention- going about it completely the wrong way though.
She clearly has issues and because you're now there 24/7 op she has been using you to fulfil her need for attention/food etc
I feel for you all in this situation- pulling a fake heart attack given your personal history is below low.
My MIL did similar attention grabbing things but was thankfully at the other end of the country so we could escape it somewhat.
Enjoy your night out, I have a feeling you haven't heard the last of her.

Well done for staying strong OP and what a great neighbour you have.

Enjoy the film.

omg just rtft

what a nutter-fil has to step up now-dh has got to warn him that you'll move far away enough u wont see them for months

he cant just say sorry and look embarrassed thats what fil has been doing for years

Can your neighbour's mum get through to her? Or anyone else she is friends with who can help? I would need a third party here to try to explain in a kind way why her behaviour is dominating and out of order. Especially if your FIL won't for whatever reason help- someone other than you and your DH needs a strong word!