MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Iv heard some odd things but this is ridiculous.

Good luck op because you can't compromise with people like this!

If you stay might be worth putting up a security camera so you can record her comings and goings. But I speak as a daughter who has a mother that constantly drops round and I have to keep reminding not to, if you intend to have children MOVE. . It gets worse when you have kids or as you have found if you are at home.

OMFG.

Well, it's happened-I'm older that someone's MIL.

Anyway Op, how did they manage day to day before you moved too nearby?

OP if FIL is close to retirement, and if he's reluctant to deal with this, he probably won't want to deal with it then either, will he? In fact he'll probably be quite happy for her to spend the day toddling up to yours, so he doesn't have to do anything himself

If you really don't want to force him into some kind of action, I just thought you might like to factor this into your future plans?

op, I suggest that you draw all the curtains before leaving the house today; that way when you come back it won't be lit up like a Christmas tree for a few minutes before you hastily draw them. Also, DON'T answer the door to them if they (or she) come knocking - feign tiredness when challenged later.

Failing that, just come back really really late!!

LaContessaDiPlump considering the MIL called the OP a bitch last night, the OP should have to feign anything or make any excuse. She's perfectly entitled to simply refuse to engage with her at all for that reason.

As someone who has experienced just how Bat Shit Crazy and manipulative some people can be, I do not doubt that OPs story is entirely plausible. I used to think my own family were a bit wierd until I met some of exH's. Behaviour you wouldn't tolerate from your toddler being acted out by adults . I then met my friend's mother .... I used to think my friend must be exaggerating, she seemed such a nice woman the few times I'd met her ..... boy was I wrong and then the venom turned on me for a bit.

In the cases I've known it was a case of extreme self absorption, people who could not tolerate or accept that there might be legitimate views different from theirs - and family members had to be seen to conform to this person's views and opinions.

Totally outside of my experience until that point - but I can see at least one of those people behaving like OPs MIL. In dysfunctional family systems an outsider coming in who challenges the accepted world view is a real threat to the person driving it. She's upped the ante because she knows you're not going to fall into line like her dh and son.

Well done ✅ on standing firm OP. Enjoy the film.

I literally can't believe all this...been glued to the thread all day..! OP - good on you for standing firm and letting the silly old bat make a fool of herself hammering on your door. Glad she got no response from you. She is definitely unhinged - she verbally abused you last night, gets a text specifically telling her not to call round - and yet she still does it?! What kind of person behaves like this?! Kudos to you for not losing your shit and telling her to fuck the fuck off!! Please don't feel sorry for her or guilty - sounds like it's been a long time coming!! Keep ignoring her, it'll get easier in time but she really needs to understand she's not welcome in your home - you're trying to work and don't need to be running her errands or having her steal from you!! Makes me so fucking grateful my MIL lives 600 miles away (and isn't anywhere near as psychotic)!! Feel for you OP - but you're doing great hen

Wines for everyone
Don't care that it's not even 3pm

Sorry it has turned out like this, OP.

At least now you know that if you do let MIL in you are likely to get more nastiness, and potentially, MIL will then make false allegations about your time together to your DH. So there is even less incentive to let her in than before.

OP sorry to ruin your evening plans, but if you go out can you secure the house against her getting in?

If you're in you can put the chain on, even if it means dealing with the door banging.

I can still remember the time my DH stood up to my narc. mother and my total astonishment that the world didn't end at that very moment . It didn't stop her though, she just got cleverer in her manipulations.

In the cases I've known it was a case of extreme self absorption, people who could not tolerate or accept that there might be legitimate views different from theirs - and family members had to be seen to conform to this person's views and opinions.

Yes, this sums it all up. And they can't see that other people have their own lives to lead.

I feel sorry for the FIL, his life can't be pleasant. Sadly in a way he's made a rod for his own back. You have to stand up to people like this early on, or they get worse and worse.

OP I do think it's a good idea to record incidents - date, time, who was present, what happened. It may very well be unnecessary but if you are unlucky, it might turn out to be very helpful if things escalate to violence.

Change the locks immediately!

I think sometimes they are just spoiled. No MH issues, no traumas, just literally spoiled rotten until they develop that extreme self-absorption

OP you are a lot more tolerant than I would be

Hope you find some sort of solution (that doesn't involve murder)

Another one here with experience of a relative who develops an illness when someone else is 'stealing the limelight' or any attempt from a spouse to do their own thing

I raised a similar point to lifegavemelemons on another thread yesterday about anxiety (that dealing with someone who can't agree to disagree is exhausting) and I expect that when the FIL retires he's going to be getting it full-force! Is there a reason that the FIL never bothered learning to drive that you know of, OP?

I think I'd have to move. Can't see it getting better, my stomach would be churning waiting for her to turn up again. You can't relax in your own home.

Enjoy your film tonight OP

If I was you, I would be taking up my dh's offer to move house

If she's this bad now, what is she going to be like if you decide you want to have children?

Well that was a 4.5 star paddy! Well handled OP and hooray for lovely neighbours. Your dh seems to have learned his survival techniques from his father, and who can blame him, he must be mortified. Very good idea going out tonight, and don't worry about things like standing in the cold. She's fully in control of this behaviour. When her desire to be comfortable is stronger than her desire to get what she wants, she'll take care of herself fast enough.

wow shes fully crazed!! I fee for you OP! Well done for standing your ground. x

Enjoy the film, you deserve some time off!

is the MIL pitiful and wretched or is she reprehensible?
I cant decide

Hope you enjoy the film and meal out tonight, think you deserve it