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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
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Original poster
YellowBlinds · 18/01/2017 13:49

He gets a message from his boss to say he must get home ASAP Sorry, I don't think I was very clear. I asked his work to get him to call me back as soon as he could, I specifically said it wasn't an emergency though so not to make him panic. We didn't speak to him about last night, I did tell him when I spoke to him earlier though (after she'd come round) he just said he's sorry and "you know what she's like" etc.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 18/01/2017 13:50

Your MIL is barely older than me. You'd think she was a helpless old lady, the way she carries on.

StormyLovesOdd · 18/01/2017 13:51

I haven't read all the thread but Yellow your MIL sounds very similar to mine, my MIL has an OCD and is completely obsessed with DH and scared that when she can't see him he is dead !!!. My MIL has in the past pulled very similar stunts to the ones you have mentioned.

In the past we used to ignore it as much as I could and just got on with our lives. Fast forward 20 years, my MIL is now in her early 80's and alone, though healthy in body but not in mind (FIL passed away 6 years ago).

The phone calls and harrassment is now constant, she rings 20 plus times every single day and its an impossible situation. If you do nothing now it will only get worse with time. I really wish we had tackled MIL's issues when she was younger its too late now to do anything.

Butteredpars1ps · 18/01/2017 13:52

Looking forward to NATR as a user name. Well done neighbour. Star

Well done for holding out OP.

Servicesupportforall · 18/01/2017 13:53

I think fils behaviour is very normal for someone who has been manipulated lied to and controlled all his married life. He's checked out and just hoping his dil will cope.

She may even be violent towards him.

MonanaGeller · 18/01/2017 13:53

I specifically said it wasn't an emergency though so not to make him panic

Did he not mind having to leave work for one of her acknowledged regular tantrums? He sounds worryingly passive, no wonder she gets away with such ludicrous behaviour.

Surely most people would be mortified to have to take time off work because their spouse was throwing a tantrum in the street?!

ohfourfoxache · 18/01/2017 13:55

I'm so glad you've spoken to dh - does that make you feel even a little better? It's so good that you're on the same page. So many posters on here have a dh problem as well as a mil problem, I'm so glad you're not one of them.

Don't feel the need to go out. This isn't your fault, why should you be pushed out of your home? But if you do decide to go out, leave a light on. It will reinforce with mil that she can't just get what she wants and it will avoid you having to listen to the fallout.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/01/2017 13:55

I asked (FIL's) work to get him to call me back as soon as he could, I specifically said it wasn't an emergency though so not to make him panic

Why? If that was me, I'm afraid I've have said whatever it took to get his arse back there in a taxi to witness it all

If he insists on being useless, it might be the only way you'll ever get to him do anything

ohfourfoxache · 18/01/2017 13:57

Services I hadn't thought of that- it would certainly explain why fil is so passive Sad

TheMerryWidow1 · 18/01/2017 13:57

one day she will cry wolf once to often!

Mynestisfullofempty · 18/01/2017 13:58

SILfoundmyusername "MonanaGeller really? Go away and tap dance dear."

What on earth was that comment about? Confused

MonanaGeller · 18/01/2017 14:00

"MonanaGeller really? Go away and tap dance dear."

What on earth was that comment about? confused

I was wondering the same thing. I am a very accomplished tap-dancer IRL, though, so I am enjoying the acknowledgement of my talents Smile

ElsieMc · 18/01/2017 14:03

Your MIL is the same age as me and I am a MIL. Good God, my girls and their partners call here more than I call there and sometimes I want them to go! This is absolutely MAD and intolerable. Your poor dh must be so embarrassed and you must be under a terrible strain.

Your are due a break from your work related phone calls. You must now log onto rightmove to book viewings for this weekend. Do it now, book lots, one after the other and arrange the valuations of your own. Do not delay a day longer.

I speak as someone who moved away from her MIL, who also had a key and took my food whilst my SIL "borrowed" my clothes. Your MIL sounds even worse. You cannot come back from this.

PovertyJetset · 18/01/2017 14:04

Well you have a precedence now so don't become weak!

SILfoundmyusername · 18/01/2017 14:05

Mynest, a lot of Monana 's previous posts have been of the troll hunting/disbelieving variety. In friends Monica makes up the name Monana Geller when she discovers someone has used her credit card to pay for tap dancing lessons.

I read it as the OP had asked her FIL work to get him to call her, which he did, nothing about him getting the bus home. He spoke on the phone and decided to stay at work.

Op if your DP is saying he would understand if you want to move, listen to him, it might be his way of saying he wants to move away from his parents without the guilt he feels. Unless of course you have an amazing house/street, but weight that against this being your life. Especially if you have children.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 18/01/2017 14:07

Bill her for the food she eats. Give the bill to FIL.....

ClopySow · 18/01/2017 14:08

That whole "leave on the lights so she thinks you're in" thing is just unkind. Why would you lower yourself.

Fevered pack mentality.

Megatherium · 18/01/2017 14:08

She really cannot be well. Standing outside in the cold bashing on the door for ages when you've made it clear over and over again that she is not to keep interrupting you, and when she's called you a bitch, is really disturbed behaviour. It's particularly strange that she's got like this only when you moved nearby, when she presumably coped fine previously when you were further away. Your husband needs to talk to his father about getting her to a doctor.

AhNowTed · 18/01/2017 14:10

Hi OP

I also work from home, running a nationwide sales team for an IT company.

There is a lot of misconceptions about folks who WFH, ie its a doss. When in fact for the most part you have to work harder, be 'on' and be seen to be 'on'.

Your MIL clearly thinks the former and you're not really 'working' in the same way as if you left the house.

For my part, when at home, I don't answer the landline, or the door unless I'm expecting a delivery of supplies or stuff from HQ. i.e just like I couldn't answer the door if I worked out of the home.

And if my boss thought for a moment I was entertaining my MIL, my job would certainly be at risk.

Could you try to get this message across to your MIL?

MNHQ
KatherineMumsnet · 18/01/2017 14:11

Hi all, can we call a halt to the troll-hunting please? We have no reason to doubt the OP here.
Peace and love Flowers

MolyBoly · 18/01/2017 14:14

I would like, the quite brilliant by the sounds of it, neighbours take on it.

seafoodeatit · 18/01/2017 14:16

I'm another who's read this with an open mouth! sadly my aunt's MIL was of a similar vain, in fact worse if possible -( think accusing her of wasting HIS money and demanding she show receipts and wanting to know where she went and why) Long term wise the only way this can only work is if you move away as I'm not sure she's capable of the massive kind of change needed or that your MIL would be able to sustain it long term, try to leave on good-ish terms but definitely do leave, this can only become more toxic and possibly cause problems between your and your DH.

juneau · 18/01/2017 14:17

Its good that your DH is on your side and is prepared to deal with her when he gets back. He's right to be embarrassed - she is utterly embarrassing. She only 52-years-old, yet she's behaving like an infirm, needy pensioner. And if my guestimations are right she was banging on your door for about 45 mins this morning Shock She's unhinged. She needs help.

Original poster
YellowBlinds · 18/01/2017 14:17

I read it as the OP had asked her FIL work to get him to call her, which he did, nothing about him getting the bus home. He spoke on the phone and decided to stay at work.

Yes, that's essentially what happened. I didn't want to derail by focusing too much on FIL, he was no use - that's it really. I'm sure I'd be distant if I had to live with her.

I've looked at the cinema listings and there's a showing of Passengers tonight at 18.40 - I'll go and see that. I've wanted to go for a while anyway so I'm telling myself its not to do with MIL and she doesn't have to power to oust me from my house.

OP posts:
taptonaria27 · 18/01/2017 14:22

Blimey, can I suggest you keep a log of the calls/ visits to demonstrate just how bad it is as it strikes me that you are having to deal with far more than DH or ineffectual fil