MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Well done NATR!
At least if mil does have a rant at her friends NATR can give her own version to her DM.

Definitely reward yourself with a night out. You deserve it after this anyway

Unless you really do want to go out tonight I wouldn't go on her account. You will be allowing her to push you out of your own home effectively. She will just come back another time and until you move to far far away you cannot stay away from your house forever.

I would stay in and ignore her. What can she do? Turn the TV up and ignore the cow. I actually think she will go quiet for a bit, so you start to wonder and worry. Then, bang, when you least expect it she will pull something really shitty and spectacular out of the bag.

I agree that she'll do something even more dramatic and attention-seeking. I wouldn't be surprised if the OP heard sirens and found that she'd called an ambulance because she thinks she's having a heart attack. She'll be getting desperate enough soon.

Have followed the whole thread with an open mouth! I can see why other posters say stay in tonight but with DH away till tomorrow, I think a movie or similar sounds like a great idea. His mum, his problem to deal with (I know it's not his fault she's like this or that he had to go away for work)

Good luck OP and thank goodness for your neighbour!

Come on NATR (neighbour across the road), spill the beans. What's your take on all this?

Your neighbour is a star! Wow - that's very kind of her to come over and sort the situation out without any further drama. And of course MIL wasn't locked out of her house. I love that thinks you 'stole' her key!

FGS go out from about 6-10.30pm. She'll be back ... What a fucking nightmare she is!

I hear that La-La Land and Lion are both good films btw.

Your MIL clearly has her own psychological/mental health issues. Her title MIL is not license to pilfer food, take advantage or in any way an aid to manipulation. If these actions were being done by a stranger/neighbour etc. you would be taking a different stance I am sure.

Avoiding, hiding, changing where you work etc. is not the answer. Communication is the only way forward here.

Your DH also needs to take some responsibility and talk to his Mother directly about what you (both DH and you) consider acceptable/unacceptable to avoid conflict to the future.

If I didnt know better, I would think you were talking about MY MIL! The only difference is she doesnt cry, she gets nasty, if you cannot do everything she wants, and when she wants it! I worked nights, so of course "was around all day", never mind I needed some sleep. I did put a sign on the door in the end, it didnt work. but of course, you need that key. Ideally, you need your H to speak to her. Eventually, mine realised how bad it was, she got too nasty for words, and we cut all ties with her and her other kids who ironically, never had a good word to say for her.

Hold firm, stick to your guns and she will eventually get the message. Or emigrate. Either will work! Well done for winning round one.

52!!! Ffs that's my age almost.

I am torn OP - on the one hand I think going out is a very good idea indeed, but on the other it seems awful that you can't be in your own house because of her.

Maybe do it tonight as part of the "controlled crying" phase but bear in mind that you can't just live like that.

Also if you do, please please please can you leave some lights on so she thinks you're in there and just ignoring her again?

She says she needs to be at home to take care of the cats.
!! Definitely batshit. Cats are pretty good at taking care of themselves.

And can the troll hunters just stop it? If you think it's a fake thread, report it.

And even if it is a fake thread, it's entertaining (and if real, stressful for the OP: there are batshit people out there, I know, I was brought up by one).

Also if you do, please please please can you leave some lights on so she thinks you're in there and just ignoring her again?

THIS. THIS. THIS.

i don't think its acceptable for FIL to be 'of no use'. He needs to man up and sort this out not you. Your husband needs to sit down with him and talk. as others have said sounds like she is ill. I work from home, as i'm sure others have said, not everyone appreciates this means the same level of commitment as working in an office. Get your husband to explain to FIL this can't go on, that its affecting your work and he (FIL) will need to take time off not you in future to help MIL.

Open mouthed about all this!

I'll add my voice to those saying you probably need to move or you'll have decades of this. My MIL is from the same mould (though not as bad, partly because we live further away and I would NEVER consider moving closer). But I can tell you she has been pulling ridiculous stunts and seeking attention from the time I first met her, when she was (strangely) about 52.

Now I am that age, and she is nearing 86 - and she gets worse with every passing year. Stand firm.

52 ..... and never worked.
Better log on to Rightmove OP

Well done OP and NATR
Your DH will either be burying his head in the sand because his eyes have been opened to his mum/processing what to do about her calling you a bitch, or from embarrassment of the realisation that you moved to be nearer to them and this has happened to you.

Send him an email, not accusatory as he genuinely of away on business for a day might not ave been able to answer his phone, I know my brother didn't understand it when I didn't check my phone from 8-4. Explain what has happened today in factual terms, that your neighbour had to defuse her and your FIL wouldn't help.
Send the same to your FIL so he knows what happened.

Honestly, moving might be in your best interests if you can.

MonanaGeller really? Go away and tap dance dear.

You can now see the reason that she's never been able to think about entering the workforce.

Ignore phone and door today

Show dh the missed calls and say this can't go on

Go back to her house tonight making sure fil is there and reilitarate the rules

No ringing you or coming round 8-6 daytime

If a problem text. You can read and reply if you think worthy

Tell mil to contact her son if she needs anything

Definitely take yourself out to the cinema or something tonight, as she will definitely come hammering on your door again.

Although, when you have to hide in your own home or even go out to avoid her it probably means it's time to start thinking of moving, this obviously can't go on.

MIL should be contacting FIL not her son. If FIL is well enough to hold down a job then he needs to man up and look after his wife, even if that means taking time off work because she is ill

Just come off the phone to DH, he's is so embarrassed. Kept saying sorry over and over and said he would understand if I wanted to move further away. He is going to bring back something nice from the duty free for Neighbour tomorrow.
He says he'll talk to MIL face to face and will call FIL to try and get him to step in.

Shameless placemarking

If every detail is accurate then I can't help feeling the neighbour has perhaps been unwise in allowing herself to be dragged in; people like the MIL don't tend to care where the attention comes from as long as they get it, and I'd worry about the neighbour having put herself in the firing line too ...