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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
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YouOKHun · 18/01/2017 12:49

RobotLover yes, I was shocked that MIL is only 52 as I have an image of Hyacinth Bucket in my head and being 50 myself it's a bit shocking to find I don't belong to the OP's generation!

The only thing you can do with a Histrionic Personality (capitals intended to indicate my diagnosis!) is not engage, as you've done today. She needs to be at the centre of the drama and pull you in too. Your FIL has probably learned to be 'ineffectual' as a way of disengaging himself. I wouldn't worry about being bad mouthed, I bet everybody has worked her out.

Bensyster · 18/01/2017 12:49

You poor woman - your MIL is shocking!

Mix56 · 18/01/2017 12:50

Both of them, DH & FIL, need to tell her to stop invading your privacy, job, home, fridge.
If she hates you & thinks you are stealing her son, what is she doing in your house every day when DH is OUT & today not even in the country.
It doesn't make sense, other than the possibility of bingeing on your food.
As she can say to FIL, "I don't over eat, look what's in the fridge/pantry, it's not my fault".. whilst bingeing at your house.
Well done for NOT opening the door !!!, Continue in that vain !

QuackDuckQuack · 18/01/2017 12:53

The idea of 'could have dementia' could be used as an excuse for the next 40 years. Hold firm!

trinity0097 · 18/01/2017 12:53

Well done for staying strong

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 12:56

The idea of 'could have dementia' could be used as an excuse for the next 40 years.

Dementia can cause personality changes though. It can cause people to lose their sense of what's acceptable behaviour. I'm not saying this is what's going on here but my grandmother developed an aggressive form of dementia, began behaving in a similarly uninhibited way and died aged 56. It's unusual but it does happen.

Greypaw · 18/01/2017 12:57

As she can say to FIL, "I don't over eat, look what's in the fridge/pantry, it's not my fault".. whilst bingeing at your house.

I was thinking that there does seem to be something quite addict-y about her behaviour. The refusal to accept there's a problem and take responsibility, the histrionics when her source of supply is threatened, the massive sense of entitlement. When she comes to the house, is the main motivation to get food?

Original poster
YellowBlinds · 18/01/2017 12:59

Neighbour is brilliant, she even made a point about me being at work. Said something along the lines of "I know I'd hate to be interupted whilst I'm hard at work, we wouldn't want to be rude, would we?" when MIL looked like she was going to bang on the door again.

Yeah, she's 52. I'm sorry I thought I'd said that before Blush if she was loads older I'd obviously not leave her out on the street in the cold.

I have a very strong feeling she's going to be back, maybe tonight outside of "work hours".

I think tonight is a great night to go to see a film at the cinema and have a nice long solo dinner at a restaurant.

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowBlinds · 18/01/2017 13:01

When she comes to the house, is the main motivation to get food?

I don't really know. She often let herself in and I wouldn't realise, I'd come downstairs for a coffee and find her in the kitchen. She'd then ask for a coffee to and spend a long time talking about her friends (gossipy things) and when I tried to get her to go she'd ask for a lift somewhere, or for me to come over and look at her boiler or check out the strange mark on her cats face - that kind of thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
YellowBlinds · 18/01/2017 13:02

*too

OP posts:
OliviaStabler · 18/01/2017 13:03

I think tonight is a great night to go to see a film at the cinema and have a nice long solo dinner at a restaurant.

Good idea OP!

whattheseithakasmean · 18/01/2017 13:04

52!!! Why doesn't she have a job? Has she ever worked?

Somewhereundertheduvet · 18/01/2017 13:05

52 ....52 ?

But that's my age... and I'm still....young ! Confused

I thought she was going to be in her 70's at least, what with the "helping out" comments.
Oh dear OP, you are definitely going to have to move. You have potentially got decades of this nonsense.

SeaEagleFeather · 18/01/2017 13:05

Are you okay yellow? this sort of shit is a heck of a strain and reaction can set in afterwards. Take it easy as is feasible, today and tomorrow.

I really think it's better if you don't see her. Also it would be a very good idea to tell FIL what's happened.

Have to say I think your husband is letting you down badly here. Being in Germany is one thing, not ringing you back (unless there's a work crisis) is another, after last night.

If this any help, your MIL is probably very angry but also upset because something she takes for granted and feels entitled to has suddenly been withdrawn. Just as a toddler gets angry and upset when a knife is taken out of its hands. But the only way to deal with someone who will dominate and consume your life like this, is to put very firm boundaries in place and keep to them rigidly. Many adult-toddlers do learn to accept those boundaries in the end, even while they kick against them.

Having said all that if you refuse to have anything more to do with her, you'd be acting reasonably. Her behaviour was appalling.

namechangingagainagain · 18/01/2017 13:06

well done to your neighbour.
If I was you I'd be making myself scarce for a bit...especially when H not around too.
( And I'd be looking on rightmove sharpish if I was thinking about children. In m experience nightmare MIL's only get worse- much worse- when grandchildren are on the scene)

Original poster
YellowBlinds · 18/01/2017 13:06

Has she ever worked? Not that I know of. She was a SAHM for DH and no job/career has ever been mentioned. She says she needs to be at home to take care of the cats.

OP posts:
SeaEagleFeather · 18/01/2017 13:06

fwiw the nightmare-individual I dealt with at close quarters, who was uncannily similar but violent with it, was 59 when she died; a good part of that was as a result of neglecting her own health for many years and the consequent health problems.

RandomMess · 18/01/2017 13:08

I think FIL will have a full time job managing her when he retires!!!

She has probably always been like this but was better at hiding it when you don't live a few doors away.

Flowers
whattheseithakasmean · 18/01/2017 13:09

52, one child, no job. Oh dear, oh dear. I really think you are going to have to move.

CoraPirbright · 18/01/2017 13:12

Well done OP and hurrah for Neighbour! I think your idea about going out to the cinema tonight is excellent.

xStefx · 18/01/2017 13:13

I don't think FIL will be retired for long ... id be straight back to work if I were him having to put up with her

Start as you mean to go on OP, get harsh! You did good today.. please please continue this way she will give up eventually.

Servicesupportforall · 18/01/2017 13:13

Round 1 to you op. It's not over though probably

MonanaGeller · 18/01/2017 13:15

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OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 18/01/2017 13:16

I might try the "have to give up the job to look after the cats" thing. Can't imagine it'll go down well.

Grit your teeth OP, I imagine this is the start of the rollercoaster rather than the end I'm afraid.

YippieKayakOtherBuckets · 18/01/2017 13:18

Is DH away tonight? DEFINITELY go out if so.