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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:

Thread gallery

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 10:53

If the neighbour's out there they can deal with her. She can call FIL from her house and he can sort it.

You haven't said why you can't contact him?

Soubriquet · 18/01/2017 10:53

Remember she called you a bitch, she faked a heart attack, she raids your cupboards for food you need to replace and expects you to wait on her hand and foot!

Don't do anything!

She isn't locked out. She's lying

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2017 10:53

I don't' think she has dementia. I do think she has 'issues' be that narcissism, control or whatever.

I am curious as to how old she and her husband are (I am assuming not all that, as he still works - sensible man!)

yellowfrog · 18/01/2017 10:53

Yup, I too think it's time to phone the police on 101.

MonanaGeller · 18/01/2017 10:54

Hope she doesn't punch the neighbour!!!!!!!

Servicesupportforall · 18/01/2017 10:54

If you do go out then this is a pointless thread and you are choosing to be manipulated.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/01/2017 10:54

IS your neighbour able to get MIL into her house? If yes, leave them to it (and hope neighbour manages to make a getaway). If no, run down with the keys but you can't stay, you're on a call.

blankmind · 18/01/2017 10:55

Don't feel mean OP, stand your ground.

Otherwise you'll just let her know how much fuss she has to make before she gets what she wants.

Whatever her problem is, it's not up to you to fix it for her.

Formerpigwrestler9 · 18/01/2017 10:55

I was thinking more very early stages where people are slightly uninhibited or seem to lack a 'filter'

She'll be on the doorstep until she manages to induce some sort of hysterical fit and it'll be your fault op.

Can you nip out the back for a few hours?

yellowfrog · 18/01/2017 10:55

By the way OP, I know what you are going through now is bloody awful, but it will pay off in the end when she realises there are boundaries. Keep strong.

SeaEagleFeather · 18/01/2017 10:56

Come on yellow, it's an excuse. You do this and you're falling right into her trap. You'll be encouraging her.

What would she do if you weren't home? she'd have to do something. She can do exactly that.

Remember yesterday.

Inertia · 18/01/2017 10:56

I'd send a message to FIL to say that you're stuck on work conference calls, can't possibly get away for a second, but MIL is outside shouting and she might need him.

ohfourfoxache · 18/01/2017 10:56

Could you chuck her keys out of your window? (Assuming that you have a spare set?)

loobyloo1234 · 18/01/2017 10:56

She is not locked out. And if she is, she has done it deliberately. Do you have a spare key to hers?

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 10:57

I wouldn't even say you're on conference calls-juatcsay you're not prepared to deal with her after last night's shenanigans.

sonjadog · 18/01/2017 10:57

You would look ridiculous if you called 101. What are you going to say: "My mother in law is says she is locked out of her house. I don't want to answer the door as she is a pain in the neck. Send the police car."

Narnia72 · 18/01/2017 10:57

No no no, DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR! She's using every excuse under the sun to get to you. She's lived there for ages, right? There must be someone else she can call on to help if she's locked out. Do you have a key to hers?

If you must answer the door and you have a key I would go out with your coat on and give it to her, thenshout at her "my boss is on the verge of sacking me, due to your horrendous behaviour. Do not ever come round here during the day again." And then get in your car and drive off. That way you know she's not locked out, and she knows you've left the house. Take your laptop and work in cafe for a couple of hours if you can. If not, drive round the block, park somewhere she can't see your car and sneak back in.

She is seriously unhinged. I would be saying you have to go NC with her for a bit, and leave DH to deal with her. Can you work in an office for a bit? Sorry, don't know what your set up is. If not, do you have a good friend whose house you could work in for a week or so? I would be happy to help out a friend in this situation. You've got to show her she can't win by drama.

happypoobum · 18/01/2017 10:57

She is NOT locked out. If she is she an walk to the nearest shop/cafe and wait for FIL.

Do not fall for this OP.

Do not open your door.

I think you are going to have to move away tbh.

Servicesupportforall · 18/01/2017 10:58

It's like CC you have to stay strong and see the end gain.

Seriously I would think about involving the police as her behaviour is strange enough to warrant intervention.

This is not normal behaviour. She needs professional help.

HashiAsLarry · 18/01/2017 10:58

We're assuming you have keys to hers. Even if you don't, her apparent being locked out is not your responsibility. You are busy working and she has other friends who she could turn to. Or other neighbours.

I've locked myself out before, and no one with spare keys was around for a couple of hours. I could have gone and banged repetitively on someone's door and demanded to be let in, but I decided to decamp somewhere else instead and not bother busy people.

prettywhiteguitar · 18/01/2017 10:58

Well if you have a spare key you will have to give it to her but I would just open the door hand it over and then shut the door again

blueskyinmarch · 18/01/2017 11:00

The neighbour can take her in to her house to wait on FIL getting home to let her in if she genuinely (and on purpose) has locked herself out. Does she even have a lock that means she could lock herself out?

Twinkladdictmum · 18/01/2017 11:00

I am in no way placemarking

Servicesupportforall · 18/01/2017 11:00

sonjadog she could ring the police if she feels threatened by the woman. I would. They take stalking seriously Now which is what the mil is doing.

blueskyinmarch · 18/01/2017 11:01

This must be having a massive impact on your work. I suspect you either need to move or find a workspace elsewhere. This situation is untenable. Have you told MIL that if you can’t work you can’t bring in money and will have no choice but to sell up and move to somewhere cheaper?

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