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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
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HashiAsLarry · 18/01/2017 10:15

Tell your neighbour that you are on conference calls and cannot get to the door, you've explained this to MIL but if she's still at your door maybe your neighbour could nicely tell her to fuck off ask her in for a cup of tea or explain you're busy.

Dagnabit · 18/01/2017 10:15

Don't cave, OP! She does have her own house to keep warm in; she's trying to manipulate you again. And she's still winning this warped game for one...you are worrying about her and not getting your work done!

qwertyuiopasdfghjkl · 18/01/2017 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/01/2017 10:16

If it's so cold outside she can just go home and warm up, can't she? You've told her you're busy today, so she has no excuse. I hope you manage to find the headphones and can block out the noise.

Buggeritimgettingup · 18/01/2017 10:16

She's crackers and probably dumbfounded that her usual tactics didn't work....
Don't give in!! And yes to your friend recording it

Twistmeandturnme · 18/01/2017 10:17

OP: it is cold, but fortunately your MIL is only 4 doors from her house which , presumably, has heating.

No advice on what to say to neighbour. I'd be mortified. Any chance of getting your FIL back from work to deal with her? definitely not a good idea to have a one-to-one with her today, I feel.

Mamia15 · 18/01/2017 10:17

After that talk last night and your text, she still has no intention of respecting your wishes and is trampling over your boundaries.

Ignore. I would be concerned about your safety.

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/01/2017 10:17

Ask the neighbour to record her from their front window! Could be useful evidence. If they're willing, ask them to capture several different timepoints (say one per hour).

I'm minded of the twin non-sleepers thread, where the op warned her neighbours not to be alarmed by all the noise her DC were bound to make when she planned to thwart their wishes. You may wish to do the same Grin

TimeIhadaNameChange · 18/01/2017 10:18

Is it obvious that you're at home? If not, and she does have another 'attack' could you ask your neighbour to call for an ambulance whilst you continue to hide? Then deny afterwards that you were there.

(Didn't you have to pop out for something urgently before you started work?)

sonjadog · 18/01/2017 10:18

Stick with it, ignore it, ignore the tears and it will pass. I have a mother who, though not as extreme, has similar traits. When I stood up to her I had the tears, tantrums, poor me-speeches. And then when that didn't work, she got over it (it took a good while though) and behaved like a normal adult. It was horrible to go through and I felt like the world's meanest person, but actually we have a quite a good relationship now and are a lot closer, so in the end I think we both won out of it.

Dagnabit · 18/01/2017 10:18

Text your neighbour the link to this thread. OP's neighbour? Her MIL is crackers.

blueskyinmarch · 18/01/2017 10:19

It is not Siberia and she has a house to go to a few doors away. She won't freeze to death. Ignore here. Make a stand. If you answer the door now she knows you will always answer the door in future.

TheEmmaDilemma · 18/01/2017 10:19

That is her concern if she is cold, not yours. She has a perfectly good home 4 doors away.

MonanaGeller · 18/01/2017 10:19

I've just got a text from the neighbour over the road (we're goodish friends, we used to walk our dogs together) to ask if everything is okay.

I said it would get bigger, didn't I?

Even the neighbours are getting involved! Shock

Whatever next? Confused

ArmfulOfRoses · 18/01/2017 10:20

I would reply to neighbor that last night you and dh had to explain to mil that you cannot entertain her for hours every day as you are working, that she hasn't taken it well, and this is the result.

You are not at fault, or being cruel.
Presumably she wouldn't go to her sons office/whatever for hours every day?
This is NO different.

sonjadog · 18/01/2017 10:20

If she's cold, she can go home, can't she? she only lives a few doors away and is walking fine now.

diddl · 18/01/2017 10:21

Presumably neighbour is concerned about you Op as you have not let MIL in?

CaptainHammer · 18/01/2017 10:21

Don't start feeling sorry for her being out in the cold, she could easily go home!

Formerpigwrestler9 · 18/01/2017 10:22

What is the fil doing?
Is he just pretending nothing untoward is going on?

Pendrive · 18/01/2017 10:22

I'm so sorry. What a fucking bitch, especially after you lost your dad to a heart attack. At least now you know not to have any expectations of normal behaviour from her. What she did was unforgivable. I'd move. Xx

ohfourfoxache · 18/01/2017 10:23

If she's cold she can go home.

Do Not Cave. If you do then it will continue to get worse.

Can you contact FIL?

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/01/2017 10:24

Do you want to go REALLY passive aggressive?

You say your MIL has friends, so possibly she knows your (shared) neighbours. You could circulate a letter to every house saying the following:

"Please don't be alarmed if there's a bit more noise than usual coming from

Dagnabit · 18/01/2017 10:24

FIL is at work, wishing he had a different wife life....

Mamia15 · 18/01/2017 10:25

She's probably not ill.

Just very manipulative. Typical narc behaviour trait - all nice when things are going her way but nasty when thwarted. Like a spoilt child, she will ramp up her tantrums so hang on and stay strong. Giving in will mean her tactics have worked and she will resort to using these again, knowing no matter how long she tantrums, she will finally get her own way.

HashiAsLarry · 18/01/2017 10:26

There's really no way MIL comes out of this not looking like she has issues if she ends up getting ill thanks to the cold. She's banging on your door or just loitering on your doorstep. Why?
-I've lost my keys and need the spare - well you know DIL is contactable via text so why not text her?
-I'm worried something is wrong with DIL - call the police/ambulance
-I nearly had a heart attack last night and need someone to look after me - why did your DH not stay home/why aren't you getting checked out/why are you then banging on DILs door???