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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL and being obese

988 replies

YellowBlinds · 17/01/2017 14:59

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
juneau · 18/01/2017 10:05

I actually think she sounds mentally ill. This is absolutely NOT normal behaviour for a grown woman. She sounds unhinged. Who the hell goes banging on the door of someone who has told them to stay away because they are working? Someone who that person horribly insulted last night? Who the hell does that?????

CommonFramework · 18/01/2017 10:05

My God, OP, she is insane Shock

Hope she's gone away now.

ArmfulOfRoses · 18/01/2017 10:05

I really don't think you should have text her at all, let alone so politely.

It will be hard, but imo you MUST ignore her banging on the door.

CoraPirbright · 18/01/2017 10:06

She's tried the handle of your door??! Crikey - she really didn't take in a single thing you said, did she?!

Is she still there?

SeaEagleFeather · 18/01/2017 10:06

ahem, cross post in the time I was writing!

TheEmmaDilemma · 18/01/2017 10:06

Jesus, the balls of the women.

Stay strong OP.

For those doubters, why wouldn't they have addressed this last night immediately. They live practically next door and the OP was buoyed by this thread to take action.

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 10:07

I really don't think you should have text her at all, let alone so politely.

I don't agree-the op has made clear what her boundary is. The mil had the opportunity to respect that but it looks like she's chosen not to. There's absolutely nothing to be gained by being rude to her (other than blowing off steam).

Cartright · 18/01/2017 10:07

Sympathies OP, this sounds very stressful

I might consider starting to video her behaviour - the shouting and the banging. It's not normal behaviour, and if you do have to talk to someone else about it FIL, GP, husband - it might be helpful to have some evidence of what you've experienced, especially if she's prone to manipulative behaviour like faking illness.

HelenRose1111 · 18/01/2017 10:07

Definitely record anything she says to you in person if there are no witnesses.

But preferably don't be alone with her, she will manipulate the situation to her advantage.
All communication on your terms from now on in front on DH, FIL or in public or preferably by text (you'll have proof then)
She will Wait for a chink in your armour then accuse you of something horrific to try and get rid of you / spilt you from your DH
Stay strong & dont let her in / engage

diddl · 18/01/2017 10:07

Can't believe that you sent her such a nice text-no wonder she felt that she could just stride round & ignore your request to stay away as you are working.

The woman called you a bitch-why would you ever have anything more to do with her?

HashiAsLarry · 18/01/2017 10:08

I know this is beside the point considering where this has gotten to but wrt the pilfering of food this worked for my DM when my sister was doing the same thing, though it was an unintended consequence. DM started a diet, she wanted to keep treats because kids pop around the house from time to time so she boxed them up and hid them out of temptations reach. The only thing available in the kitchen was healthier/diet foods. Sister stopped coming round and raiding the kitchen soon after as there was nothing interesting to eat Grin.

If your MIL is outside still banging and shouting film her on your phone. You told her you were on conference calls and couldn't deal with her all day and here is a video of her reaction. Could be useful later on when she tries to say she has respected your choices.

girlelephant · 18/01/2017 10:08

OP stay strong and do not answer the phone/door or otherwise engage!

Perhaps tonight get DH to call her or drop in to her and explain the behaviour today is exactly why you are needing boundaries in place!

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2017 10:09

I think she has a lot of mental health issues . It sounds like she has food addiction and/or binge eating disorder , this is just horrendous for her and she is living in total denial. I realise this is not making things easy for you but it may well help you see things differently if you see that she really does have an eating disorder my dear good luck

I did agree with this until the 'heart attack'.

But I don't think you should have any more of these talks without FiL being there. He needs to have input and back you up. Does he even know the extent of this?

And then checkout Rightmove...

PurpleDaisies · 18/01/2017 10:09

Can't believe that you sent her such a nice text-no wonder she felt that she could just stride round & ignore your request to stay away as you are working.

The text clearly said don't come round. Confused
I don't understand why the op was at fault there.

Chippednailvarnishing · 18/01/2017 10:10

Text her .

"I can't answer the door right now, I'm faking a heart attack".

Nanny0gg · 18/01/2017 10:10

I'm hiding in my office now. I was in the kitchen making a coffee and saw her striding down the road towards the house

Knees and ankles better, are they?

LaContessaDiPlump · 18/01/2017 10:11

Does anyone live opposite you? Do you have their number, and would they be willing to record her battering away? That way you don't have to break cover by recording her yourself.....

Original poster
YellowBlinds · 18/01/2017 10:12

I can't get ahold of DH, he is flying over to Germany today and I'm not 100% sure when his flight is.
I've just got a text from the neighbour over the road (we're goodish friends, we used to walk our dogs together) to ask if everything is okay.

MIL is still there. It's so cold outside, I'm slightly concerned.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 18/01/2017 10:12

Your MIL is an arsehole!!

Don't answer the door to her and if it was me I'd be ringing the DH and telling him that she's at it again so he can have ago at her!

Original poster
YellowBlinds · 18/01/2017 10:14

Knees and ankles better, are they? apparently so. I twisted my ankle last year (which is obviously not comparable but its the closest I can get to understanding her pain) and there's no way I'd stand in the cold for so long.

OP posts:
GinIsIn · 18/01/2017 10:14

DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR. You have TOLD her you are busy.

ArmfulOfRoses · 18/01/2017 10:14

Don't worry, she can go home if she's cold.

ohtheholidays · 18/01/2017 10:15

Sorry just cross posted with you OP!

Do not feel concerned or guilty,did she feel guilty when she faked a heart attack in front of you last night?Did she fuck!

You must stay firm,text your neighbour back and let them know what's going on so they don't worry about you but apart from that do nothing!

MonanaGeller · 18/01/2017 10:15

Oh gawd, she's really banging on the door. I can hear her calling me.
I'm gonna go in the bedroom and try and find DHs posh headphones

Gosh, she's really ramping up her behaviour, isn't she?

This one's going to keep getting bigger and bigger, mark my words.

GinIsIn · 18/01/2017 10:15

Oh, and maybe warn neighbour to ignore her if she fakes a heart attack again to try and make you open the door....