MIL and being obese

[YellowBlinds]

DH and I made the mistake move to be closer to his parents 3 years ago. FIL is fine, very quiet and reserved, but DH's Mum is your traditional Mumsnet MIL.

Since moving closer, DH and I have been very much at her beck and call - which at first I was more than happy to help (we moved closer to be more helpful and see each other more) however it slowly grew into taking the piss. She frequently invites herself around during the week when DH is at work (I work from home) and will actually let herself in with the spare key, often giving me the fright of my life when I come downstairs and find her rifling through the kitchen cupboards. Despite being able to drive and having a car, she will ask me to drive her to the supermarket/shops/cinema etc - whilst I'm at work.
I could go on but hopefully you get the idea! (don't want to drip feed).

So here's the problem;

She's a very large lady, clinically obese, so much so that it is causing her significant strain on her knees and ankles.
She claims that her weight is due to a medical problem however having been to the doctors with her on several occasions, I've been present when the GP has outright said (after blood tests etc) that there is no underlying health issue, she simply needs to change her lifestyle.

Her ankles are causing her a lot of pain, and I do have sympathy for that, but she is now insisting that she cannot drive or go anywhere unaccompanied and that because I am "at home all day" I should chauffeur her around.

When I have told her I can't do this regularly, she has become hysterical and cried that I'm refusing to support her and discriminating against her medical condition.

She absolutely will not help herself, and has said some really vile things about the doctor, and is telling everyone she has a gland problem - and then goes home and eats an exceptional amount of food pilfered from my kitchen.
She takes great delight, however, in telling me that I'm really fat (I'm not, at least I don't think I am).

AIBU in refusing to ferry her around and not supporting her with her "medical problem"?

Hope she leaves you in peace today

Yeah, sod answering the phone to someone who calls you a bitch!

Opps, cross-posts. Good text wording!

If she does reply and it's not with an apology for calling you the bitch wife then that's your job made easy then for helping her out again.
Always respond with, I would love to take you shopping twice a day but it's not something a bitch would do.

You should have signed off, "Bitch Wife xxxxxxxx"

(Not really).

I wonder if she is clinging onto you partly because she is really really scared?

Her behavior sounds child-like and uninhibited, could it be very early signs of dementia?

Don't answer the calls because, apart from anything else, it undermines your assertion that you are at work.

Ah, cross post! Good text

Her behavior sounds child-like and uninhibited, could it be very early signs of dementia?
I'd wondered the same thing. This isn't normal behaviour-she's clearly treating the op terribly but I'd worry about what's going on.

I'm hiding in my office now. I was in the kitchen making a coffee and saw her striding down the road towards the house (kitchen overlooks our drive). I checked the chain was on the door and scuttled upstairs - i feel like a bit of a coward though I basically do the same thing when the Jehovah's witnesses come round

She's knocked several times, and tried the door handle, and I think she's still outside.

I agree with those saying that there is more to this than poor behaviour and she could be ill.

That's not to say you have to put up with it, just that maybe a visit to the GP is in order.

Stay strong

Take the key back and say she's not to just turn up as it messes up your working time and she needs ring to make sure OK to come over

Leave her there. You've told her you're not available. She has ignored that. You have nothing further to say to her.

Oh gawd, she's really banging on the door. I can hear her calling me.
I'm gonna go in the bedroom and try and find DHs posh headphones

Bloody hell OP! She's a manipulative nightmare. I can't believe she faked a heart attack in front of you. It would be bad enough on its own, but knowing that your DF died in front of you in that way She's an insensitive, selfish cow. My condolences to you for having a person like that in your life, never mind four doors away.

You're completely justified in not engaging with her. It's a real shame you feel you have to hide in your own house, but well done for getting the key back and don't feel you have to speak to her. She owes you a massive, unreserved apology and nothing else - and to abide by your wishes from now on. Nothing else is acceptable.

MIL has tried calling again this morning and I know I should answer but I just don't have the energy tbh.

No. Actually, you shouldn't feel the need to answer her.

You have no obligation to, but beyond that I think it's very wise to handle her only when other people are around. If you must speak to her - record it. I'm serious; I've seen something like her behaviour before at very close quarters and it's possible that you need to protect yourself from accusations of abuse (your abuse towards her, you understand; she will be the injured party).

It's very clear that she has no limit, no decency stop-point. As others have said, there's a chance and perhaps a high one that she will change and twist anything you say. You and her being alone is a very bad idea.

I hope you're ok-ish this morning. Last night must have been very hurtful once the sheer rage had faded.

At this point your husband needs to be there for you. He may need processing time on his own, but your MIL is demonising you and deliberately acting in an exceptionally hurtful and in fact cruel way.

Block her number if you want to, perhaps temporarily. It's probably the best way to allow a bit of time for some of the dust to settle a bit. If she turns up at the door, put those headphones on. If you do speak to her, there's a good chance she will act from pure emotion, either attacking you or being apologetic, and neither situation can end well. From track record she can't or won't change her approach to that of a normal self-controlled woman. It sounds like you really are dealing with a spoiled toddler with adult levels of smarts.

You've told her you're busy all day. If it was urgent she could text you or call her son. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR.

For goodness sake, you've told her you're on conference calls all day. OK, she may not think it's true, but if you're on an important call when she turns up she can hardly expect you to abandon it because she chooses to knock on the door.

At this point, I might need to empty the dehumidifier in my bedroom by throwing the water out of the window.

If she were an alcoholic and she was letting herself into your house to pilfer that, what would you do? If she wanted you to stop work and drive her to buy more alcohol, what would you do?

I realise the thread has moved on but this ^^

She has an addiction problem. (And possibly other MH issues). She is using your home to maintain her addiction. Time for FIL to step up and support her. He can't delegate that responsibility to you and your DH.

Whether your DH chooses to rebuild the relationship with his mother is another thing.

I don't think you do have a duty to answer your calls when she's called you a bitch. If she needs to communicate with you, or indeed if she wants to apologise, she can do so via her son.

Stay strong and don't answer that door! If it helps, imagine an army of angry mumsnetters standing between you and the door :)