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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fiance's high school bffio demanding a plus 1 to our wedding???

105 replies

PenguinPal14 · 16/01/2017 19:31

I know weddings can be a touchy subject on here but I really don't think I'm in the wrong??

Fiance had a BFF in high school who he sees on occasion now for a drink but I wouldn't class him as a close friend anymore. Our wedding invites went out last week and his friend has already rang up to mention his girlfriend of 11 months (who I have never met) isn't on the invite. We mentioned that we simply couldn't afford to give everyone a plus 1, to this he replied that their other friend's gf had been invited. The other friend and gf have been together over 5 years they have a house and a baby on the way. After I tried to explain this to him he started shouting that we don't take his relationship serioulsy and thinks that everyone deserves a plus 1 unless they are invited as family ie mum dad son and daughter so they won't be alone (he will know more people that I do as bfs family is huge)

Is it customary to always give day guests a plus 1 if they're not attending with their family? Is this an unwritten rule that I didn't know about? If it is I will have a few angry phone calls on the way

OP posts:

MrsDustyBusty · 16/01/2017 19:34

I think it is normal to give people the option of a plus one.

londonrach · 16/01/2017 19:35

Normally its a plus 1

Costacoffeeplease · 16/01/2017 19:36

It is normal to invite couples, yes

PerspicaciaTick · 16/01/2017 19:36

I thought that inviting plus 1's was normal. If you can't afford x guests plus all their plus 1's then you need to reduce the number of named guests.

londonrach · 16/01/2017 19:37

But your wedding, your choice. If a group of colleagues or friends maybe then you might get away without a plus 1

bloodymaria · 16/01/2017 19:37

Yes, a plus one is the norm surely?

Pluto30 · 16/01/2017 19:38

Plus 1's are normal.

MilesHuntsWig · 16/01/2017 19:38

Not if you can't afford it. Completely depends on the situation... my DH and I were together 5 years before we got married and we agreed that if he hadn't met someone they weren't invited (with a few exceptions), as I had a lot more friends and family than him.

As everyone's limitations on their wedding are different I think it would take quite a lot for me to kick up a stink like this these days TBH... we've now been together for 15 years and if I wasn't invited to a wedding of a school friend of his I'd never met I don't think I'd be bothered. Then again maybe I'm weird...

NapQueen · 16/01/2017 19:39

I didn't have plus ones at my wedding gift however we had under 30 guests and didn't extend invites to anyone I (1) hadn't met (2) didn't know their surname. Had I don't the whole BIG do if have been more inclined

We gave evening invites to extended family and the plus ones who we didn't know of the daytime guests.

How big is the wedding?

19lottie82 · 16/01/2017 19:39

I wouldn't say it's "normal" for every guest.
The OP has said her OH doesn't see this guy that often, or class him as a close friend, anymore.
And he's only been with his girlfriend for 11 months, the OP or her OH haven't even met her.

Yes it would be nice to be able to offer everyone a +1 but budget and venue restrictions don't always permit.

And as everyone on MN always says "it's an invitation, not a summons!"

Aedh · 16/01/2017 19:39

If my DP of 11 months, or boyfriend, was invited to a wedding without me I would be a little bit upset and secretly hope that he would refuse. I would decline an invitation if my DP was excluded. A wedding on your own is the shittiest day out ever.

Original poster

PenguinPal14 · 16/01/2017 19:40

The thing is we started planning the wedding before they even got together so didn't buget a plus 1 for him as he was single at the time

OP posts:

User543212345 · 16/01/2017 19:40

It's quite normal to have a plus one at a wedding but not unheard of to not have one. It is unspeakably rude, however, to ask for your plus one to be invited if they're not included. If he doesn't want to come without his girlfriend he has the option of declining to attend the wedding.

I think most normal people understand there has to be a cut off with invitations due to cost and venue capacity. For some people this is length of relationship, or whether they have met the partner, or whether guests are married themselves. You've done what is appropriate in your eyes (and that's fine) and if he has an issue that's also fine but he can't expect you to make an exception for him.

CactusFred · 16/01/2017 19:40

Plus one normal and unfair to pick and choose who you give them to.

That said, he's being bloody rude!

whattheactualflump · 16/01/2017 19:40

Your wedding your choice, but yes - pretty normal to ask plus 1.

However 'demanding' isn't nice though - surely having a quiet word would be more constructive & not get peoples backs up. What does your DF think?

maisiewalker · 16/01/2017 19:40

I had an day invite to a colleague's wedding. No plus one. It didn't bother me.

MakeMyWineADouble · 16/01/2017 19:43

No I have been invited to friends weddings without a plus one and I think it's fine however I was never the only one without if you see what I mean!

MimiSunshine · 16/01/2017 19:43

There has to be a cut off somewhere. So you invite him +1 which means you have to invite one less actual friend or family member.

If it's your fiancées friend though why are you dealing with the shouty phone calls? Tell your fiancé to call him back and explain, perhaps say that if numbers allow you will invite her but he'd rather friend was invited alone than not be able to invite him at all

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 16/01/2017 19:45

I've never had a plus one, didn't do them for our wedding - only established partners - and only been a plus one once.

Pleasestoplickingthetv · 16/01/2017 19:47

I'd say 11 months is a good enough amount of time to warrant a plus 1!
Could you maybe explain that things are really tight financially but you'd be more than happy for her to come along in the evening?

TheCraicDealer · 16/01/2017 19:48

I think you'd have to be pretty insecure in your relationship if you were upset at not getting an invite to a couple you'd never met's wedding. It's pretty self centred really. DP went to a wedding when we were together about that length of time- I didn't get an invite. It was fine. I understand couples not having an infinite budget and wanting to invite maybe another actual friend rather than little old me who they don't know from Adam.

I think he had a bit of a brass neck to ask but I guess it all depends on how willing your DP is to risk pissing him off.

jpclarke · 16/01/2017 19:48

It's not a nice feeling to not include a plus 1. He is with her 11 months not 11 days and he is obviously someone your fiancé wants there. For the sake of their friendship I think you need to back down on this one. Plus 1's even for single people are the norm whether they choose to bring a plus 1 is their own business.

Boulshired · 16/01/2017 19:50

It does depend, family I would not mind, if I was invited with a group of friends or work colleagues I would not mind. But I would hate to be a single guest on a couples table.

ALLthedinosaurs · 16/01/2017 19:53

I personally wouldn't invite someone without a plus one (even singles - they can bring a friend if they want or no-one if they want - as long as they let me know) but that's my personal choice.

BFF was totally rude to demand the girlfriend get one. He doesn't have to come.

Amaried · 16/01/2017 19:53

Plus ones is very much the norm I'm afraid.
I think picking and choosing depending on who's relationship you feel is more stable is all kinds of balmy. I'd brace yourself for all kinds of phone calls and refusals

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