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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Fiance's high school bffio demanding a plus 1 to our wedding???

105 replies

PenguinPal14 · 16/01/2017 19:31

I know weddings can be a touchy subject on here but I really don't think I'm in the wrong??

Fiance had a BFF in high school who he sees on occasion now for a drink but I wouldn't class him as a close friend anymore. Our wedding invites went out last week and his friend has already rang up to mention his girlfriend of 11 months (who I have never met) isn't on the invite. We mentioned that we simply couldn't afford to give everyone a plus 1, to this he replied that their other friend's gf had been invited. The other friend and gf have been together over 5 years they have a house and a baby on the way. After I tried to explain this to him he started shouting that we don't take his relationship serioulsy and thinks that everyone deserves a plus 1 unless they are invited as family ie mum dad son and daughter so they won't be alone (he will know more people that I do as bfs family is huge)

Is it customary to always give day guests a plus 1 if they're not attending with their family? Is this an unwritten rule that I didn't know about? If it is I will have a few angry phone calls on the way

OP posts:

Tartle · 16/01/2017 21:10

The strict etiquette rule on this is that if a couple is married they count as a family unit and they should both be invited. Nowadays with less people getting married it is generally interpreted as if a couple live together. I think you only need to give people a plus one if they won't know anyone else or if all other guests are couples. Last few weddings I went to have been a mix of uni friends in couples and singles and we all had a great time. Having a random plus one their would have been more awkward imo.

ovenchips · 16/01/2017 21:16

Sonyaya I'm afraid I can't agree. You say you don't expect guests to feel honoured to receive an invitation but you do think they should feel respect?!

Apart from that basically meaning the same thing, I didn't expect guests to feel anything other than (hopefully) mildly pleased to get an invitation. I invited them in the hope they would come, celebrate with us and have a nice time.

If they didn't want to come, they could decline but they didn't owe me anything whether they came or not.

And I wouldn't expect them to care that I was saving hard for the wedding. Or making any kind of hard choices. It would be my wedding and totally my choice to do that (after all I could always get married in my lunch hour with no guests).

So no, no gratitude/ respect/ honour necessary. If they were happy to see us happy and wish us well, and had themselves a day of nice food, drink and chatting - brilliant.

Italiangreyhound · 16/01/2017 21:42

I'd say if people have a girlfriend or partner or boyfriend etc it would be normal to invite them.

He was rude to shout at you. I think by inviting the girl friends and wives of other friends and not his you kind of insulted him.

liviadrusilla · 16/01/2017 21:51

At our weddings we had plus ones for those in long-term relationships and/or when we had met the partner, and also for those who didn't know anyone but didn't give one to everyone as standard. If he has shouted at you and your husband doesn't class him as a close friend I wouldn't invite him tbh.

sonyaya · 16/01/2017 22:06

ovenchips

I'm surprised you can't see a pretty big difference of degree between feeling honoured (and filled with reverence and humbled and other silly things you said) and respecting the fact someone cares enough about you to incur the cost of your attendance. They don't have to see it as a "high honour", "be filled with reverence" or "humbled by the greatness" - or mildly pleased or even pleased at all - but every guest incurs a cost and I think you'd have to be stone cold and pretty entitled not to recognise the gesture made by the B&G when you receive an invitation, whether you want to go or not.

Honestly, there's about 25% of our guest list I would be gutted if they declined - immediate family, bridesmaids etc - I don't mind at all if anyone else does. It would be nice to see them if they want to come. If not, no drama. Not sure where I said otherwise.

Yes it is our choice to save so we can provide sufficient food and drink for our guests and invite all their partners. If we didn't, we would be flamed for making people pay £2.50 for a cup of tea or not inviting someone's partner of 11 months and everything else people get criticised for.

Of course people don't have to care that we have saved, but it is relevant to your previous comment; the cost per guest is part of why invitations are seen (in your words) as "sacred". They're not sacred and no one that I've seen has said they are (your comment is full of straw men actually), but numbers are usually tight for weddings which is why people have to be choosy and make tough decisions about who to ask. You yourself say you'd be pissed off if your DH wasn't invited to a wedding - well that wouldnt happen at our wedding because we have saved up for it to ensure our guests are hosted properly. Inviting your DH as your named guest to a wedding doesn't come for free to the B&G and if you feel it's an entitlement, rather than being able to appreciate the gesture, then I feel a bit sorry for the people who have invited you to their wedding. I am afraid I think it is mean spirited of you.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 16/01/2017 22:16

I'd be rethinking his invite after being shouted at...

squiggleirl · 16/01/2017 22:21

These are odd weddings that are so dire that the invitee wouldn't want to go alone, but the plus one who knows only the invitee would have a great time.

^ This. So completely to the point.

lalalalyra · 16/01/2017 22:22

I don't think you have to give plus ones, everyone knows how expensive it is now.

However I think you have to treat groups the same - so siblings and aunts/uncles getting a plus one, but cousins and friends not is ok.

But giving all of a group bar one or two isn't. It's not up to us to decide if Mary is more serious about Joseph than Tom is to Dick. Either friends get a plus one or they don't and I think that's where you've gone wrong. Otherwise you are measuring relationships on things that can't be measured - like children.

badg3r · 16/01/2017 22:26

I actually wouldn't automatically expect a plus one. Uni and school friends at several weddings I have been to have been invited by themselves. Others only invite partners who are married/engaged to the named invitee. So I don't think it is strange to not invite a fairly new partner you have never met. It is however rude of the friend yo cell and give you an earful!!

bumsexatthebingo · 16/01/2017 22:29

Of course a guest and plus one would have a better time than a guest alone. Who wants to sit alone with a load of couples you barely know? If your partner is there you can have a dance and mix with other people without being reliant on them for conversation. I would have to know a lot of other guests very well to feel comfortable going to a wedding on my own. And if I was the only single person in a group I'd still feel like a bit of a spare part.

brusselssprouts · 16/01/2017 22:32

I think it is important to have a consistent rule.

At my wedding, it was:

spouse or cohabitee - invited
Gf/ bf I knew about - invited
Otherwise no - singles table and they had fun (I think!)

As a single person I never expected a plus one.

TheNaze73 · 16/01/2017 23:42

I think he's being a tit to assume a new gf would be invited. He coped for years without her & isn't joined at the hip. His behaviour is embarrassing.

I'd uninvite him

FrozeninSummer · 17/01/2017 01:06

Came on to say pretty much what lalalalyra has said. I agree it wasn't necessarily the lack of plus one invite where you've gone wrong , but your reasons for not inviting her.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/01/2017 01:19

I think it's better to be a bit flexible.
I mean, if it's possible to squeeze her in, then I'd probably do it.
I was invited to a friend's wedding with no plus 1, but I knew quite a few people there, so no problem with "no one to talk to". However, I had been seeing someone, I can't even remember how long for but it was a long distance relationship (now DH) and he obviously wasn't included. But then neither bride nor groom had met him before so that wasn't a surprise.

BUT - groom met him at my house 2 weeks prior to their wedding, and I was phoned later and told that I could bring him along if I'd like to (full day guest).
Flexible.

I understand your rationale for inviting the other GF and not this guy's, but I can see why he was offended over it as well. You should probably just have gone with "we've never met her and wouldn't know her from a bar of soap, that's why she's not invited" - which, granted, might have been followed up with "well we must go out for a meal or something then" from him - hence my point about flexibility.

But if you've ABSOLUTELY no way of including another guest, then fair enough - your wedding. He is being rude to demand she be invited.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 17/01/2017 01:28

I think the strict etiquette is that if someone is living together as a couple they are a 'social unit' and you have to invite both. If they aren't living together then you don't have to, although obviously it would be nice if you did.

I'm sure your friend's girlfriend would rather do anything than be strong armed into a wedding of people she's never even met. Poor woman. Can you invite her and not the boyfriend?

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/01/2017 02:01

I don't understand why you would need to have met everyone at your wedding.

At £50 a plate I would expect to at least have fucking met them once!

We only had one plus one at our wedding and that was a good friend who had not long split up with her boyfriend and feeling a bit wobbly about social events on her own especially as a fair few of his friends would be there. No one else got one.

Plus guest has never been standard at weddings. Yes for balls, parties etc but not for very expensive sit down catered weddings. Its become a "thing" in recent years but ime (sadly extensive) experience you only get an invite if the B&G know you personally and not always even then!

Explain about space/numbers and if he still kicks off then accept it when he says he wont come then, as he will in the hope you back down, and cross him off the list.

MissVictoria · 17/01/2017 02:32

You planned the guests when he was single and weddings aren't cheap, unreasonable is to expect you to plan/pay to acomodate a potential plus one for every single person you invite. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to have not, and still not, invite her.
She has never met you or your DP, i wouldn't feel comfortable attending the wedding of someone i had never met, especially if it is my partners old friend even he doesn't see so often, and i absolutely wouldn't want a stranger at my wedding.
In you position i'd hold my ground and refuse her an invite based on the fact you've never met her, adding in another guest will be a headache if you've already done table arrangements and paid for meals etc, and for his down right rudeness acting like she's entitled to an invite as it paints her as being rather selfish and arrogant if she's even partly behind his pushing for an invite for her.
Either he gets over it and comes along alone and enjoys his night with an old friend, or he throws his toys out the pram and stays home and probably won't be missed.

user1477282676 · 17/01/2017 02:55

He should be less impolite and deal with it. My now DH was invited to a very good friend's wedding when we were a relatively new couple...they apologised to him for the lack of plus one and I was invited to the evening do.

That was fine! They were on a budget.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 17/01/2017 07:54

I've very happily attended weddings alone, fully understanding the numbers issue for brides and grooms and enjoying a day with my friends. As others have said - how shit does a wedding have to be for it to be such a trial to go without your partner?

This is an old friend (you describe him as a BFF!) of your fiancé however, not a work colleague or team mate you're pally with but not close to. They go back a long time.

It really isn't essential to see or even talk with a friend that often to remain close and significant to each other; contact between lifelong friends often ebbs and flows over the years but the bond remains

Is there a reason why you don't describe them as being close anymore? Some kind of falling out? If not then you really ought to have extended a plus one or at least considered finding a space for this man's girlfriend.

Both you (for being intransigent) and he (for shouting - did he really shout though?) are being unreasonable.

pinkiepie1 · 17/01/2017 13:43

Could you not invite her to the after do?
When my cousin got married (very posh cost thousands) they had only met my husband then boyfriend a few weeks before at a funeral.
It didn't bother me or him that he wasn't invited, been together several months at the time.
My auntie (brides mum) rang and said we didn't know you we're in a relationship and as the wedding had been in the planning stages for years they couldn't fit him in at the sit down meal.
I still went and had a laugh and it was fine him only been invited to after do.
At the end of the day its your wedding, invite who you want and if people moan/complain tell them tough shit.

derxa · 17/01/2017 13:59

Anecdote time. I was asked to a colleague's evening do with DH as were a lot of us. Other colleague wasn't invited with +1. She demanded that her boyfriend came even though he was a man she was having an affair with. The bride relented and the two of them sat snogging all evening.

RandyMagnum2 · 17/01/2017 14:55

Plus ones, especially for people you've never met is never the norm AFAIC. I'm not inviting some partners to my wedding, I can't afford to cater for over a dozen people I or my partner have never met.

CripsSandwiches · 17/01/2017 14:58

I think YANBU. I had an old friend not invite my DH to her wedding because she simply couldn't afford it and due to where I'd moved she's never met him. I think that's fine. I would always offer a plus one though to someone who wouldn't know anyone else at the wedding but it sounds like this isn't the case here.

ShatnersWig · 17/01/2017 15:21

I've been invited to a full day wedding when I've been single without a plus one but I've never been invited to a full day wedding when I've been part of a couple without a plus one. Evening do on my own with a load of people from work as a single yes.

I could understand not extending an invitation if the couple have got together since the invites went out, but I think once you've been with someone for six months, then you are most definitely a couple. Hell, I moved in with my ex within six months.

MulderitsmeX · 17/01/2017 15:31

If it's an established relationship (and 11 months is!) Then it's rude not to invite a plus 1. Especially if the wedding involves an overnight stay, if a couple is on a serious budget then that is a significant cost which might be their only chance to get away for a while.

I did plus 1s, a few came alone which was fine, for extended cousin groups I invited only the relatives but then they would be with their mum/dad so not alone. I even had a friend bring a partner she had met 4 weeks before (all worked out well and ill be attending their wedding soon!)

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