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Original poster

Fiance's high school bffio demanding a plus 1 to our wedding???

105 replies

PenguinPal14 · 16/01/2017 19:31

I know weddings can be a touchy subject on here but I really don't think I'm in the wrong??

Fiance had a BFF in high school who he sees on occasion now for a drink but I wouldn't class him as a close friend anymore. Our wedding invites went out last week and his friend has already rang up to mention his girlfriend of 11 months (who I have never met) isn't on the invite. We mentioned that we simply couldn't afford to give everyone a plus 1, to this he replied that their other friend's gf had been invited. The other friend and gf have been together over 5 years they have a house and a baby on the way. After I tried to explain this to him he started shouting that we don't take his relationship serioulsy and thinks that everyone deserves a plus 1 unless they are invited as family ie mum dad son and daughter so they won't be alone (he will know more people that I do as bfs family is huge)

Is it customary to always give day guests a plus 1 if they're not attending with their family? Is this an unwritten rule that I didn't know about? If it is I will have a few angry phone calls on the way

OP posts:
honeyroar · 16/01/2017 20:31

Id not offer a plus one to anyone unless I thought that they wouldn't know anyone else, if they were amongst friends I'd leave them solo. I think it's quite normal to want your OH of around a year to be able to accompany you. I was invited to a good university friend's wedding years ago, and my boyfriend, who I'd been with a year and was living with, wasn't invited. It was going to be the first, probably awkward, time I'd have had to face my ex too. I ended up declining. The bride never spoke to me again. Swore id never do that to anyone at my wedding!

TheCraicDealer · 16/01/2017 20:32

Well yes but then you could go to your DH "who's that?" and he'd say, "My cousin". With a friend's short term partner neither of you have met you wouldn't have a clue.

sonyaya · 16/01/2017 20:32

I see a difference between inviting someone's partner as a named guest, and giving a single person a plus one. No one ever has to do the latter but this guy falls into the former, and in my opinion it is poor etiquette to invite someone to celebrate your relationship while saying you don't think their relationship is serious enough for an invitation.

This is why weddings should always be planned with contingency spots - the guest list may look a bit different when the invitations go out to a year previously when the first draft of the guest list was done.

In principle, I think you should have invited his girlfriend and it is rude to differentiate based on how serious you see the relationship as.

He is behaving like a complete arse though so in this case I would just tell him you will set the guest list for your wedding how you see fit and if he does not wish to attend, he will be missed.

Had he politely enquired about the possibility of her coming if some people RSVPd no, I would say make space for her but I just don't believe in rewarding guestzilla behaviour by giving him his own way.

Mimicat44 · 16/01/2017 20:33

It's normal for an invite to include a plus one, it's definitely not normal for a guest to shout at the bride because they're not happy. I'd uninvite him, how awkward will it be having him there, plus one or not now?!

sonyaya · 16/01/2017 20:34

I have sympathy for the not having met her point though - I'm really not happy about having people's partners there who I have never met. I've sucked it up and inviting them but I get where you're coming from. I think the bride and groom shouldn't be having to introduce themselves to people on their wedding day.

GreenShadow · 16/01/2017 20:34

We only invited people who were in an established relationship and who in most cases we already knew. Would have been weird having a stranger at our wedding.
Like you, money was a limiting factor and if we could only have 2 number of guests, we would rather those who we knew and wanted there than a stranger. Sorry if that upsets some guests, but they didn't/didn't have to attend.
To us it was for our friends and families to celebrate our happy day, not a general party for all and sundry.

GreenShadow · 16/01/2017 20:35

Sorry - not "2 number of guests". Should have been "X number of guests"

TheProblemOfSusan · 16/01/2017 20:38

We only gave plus ones to established couples - I wouldn't have in this situation, though, never having met the girlfriend. However it's likely that someone will drop out if you have a few months to go - I could you smooth it over by saying that the guest list is set but you're expecting someone will not be able to come and you can't do plus ones until you know numbers? Not perfect but will allow both of you to save face.

That said, shouting at anyone, let alone the bride over her wedding, is appalling behaviour so uninviting him is an option.

Also, we had 70 people on our list before we even invited the bridesmaids - no chance was any random girlfriend neither of us knew coming. We'd have had another 15 or so people on an already huge list, and we already did it as cheap as possible for the number.

SundaeLieIn · 16/01/2017 20:39

What does it say about you if you don't invite a plus one? You want everyone to come and celebrate your love for each other but want your guests to potentially come alone. It's just not very nice. Every invite to my wedding offered a plus one and yes we did have a couple of people we hadn't met before - it made it even better to make new friends.

EdenX · 16/01/2017 20:41

I wouldn't iinvite people I have never met to my wedding and would find it weird that people do.

ovenchips · 16/01/2017 20:42

I would (and did) offer all guests a plus one. If we wanted them there for the wedding as our guest, we wanted to make sure they'd feel comfortable and enjoy the day. So what if it was a newish boyf/ girlfriend? They were not making the lifetime commitment, we were!

I would be pissed off too, as your fiancé's friend was.

As a general comment and not directed at OP, I don't know why wedding invitations are seen as so bloody sacred nowadays, and it is supposed to be some sort of high honour to receive one and the recipient should be filled with reverence.

I think unless the bride and groom elope, it is they who want the guests there and so the onus is on them to look after the guests.

It is not up to the guest to feel humbled by the greatness of being invited to a wedding on their tod and have to pay for their own cups of tea .

OVienna · 16/01/2017 20:43

Crazy thread. Married posters are regularly told to suck it up on here when their partner is invited to a wedding and they aren't. "What are you tied at the hip?" Blah blah blah.

OP your fiance's friend is very rude and of course it's different if the orher friend has a baby and has been with his partner five years. Tell him to do one.

notangelinajolie · 16/01/2017 20:44

Plus 1 is usually the norm for day guests. Being on your own all day at a wedding would be very lonely I would imagine. The only exceptions would be work colleagues or a group or friends who could all be seated together.

TheCraicDealer · 16/01/2017 20:45

I don't think it says very much tbh. The only ones not getting plus ones to ours are about four guys who are either single or in relationships so new they're not common knowledge enough for us to be aware of. So if I give them a plus one who are they going to bring? A friend? Because they're already all invited!

I would agree if they didn't know anyone but that's so rare in large groups of friends. And there's still no onus on the invitee to attend if they wouldn't be happy not having a plus one.

gillybeanz · 16/01/2017 20:48

I think a plus 1 is generally expected.
if your fiance only sees this man occasionally I don't see why it was important to invite him in the first place if numbers are tight.

TheProblemOfSusan · 16/01/2017 20:48

Should have said, the situation is different if someone would know no one else there, or if there was some reason someone would need support eg the person above who was going to come face to face with an ex.

Love51 · 16/01/2017 20:49

These are odd weddings that are so dire that the invitee wouldn't want to go alone, but the plus one who knows only the invitee would have a great time.

crunched · 16/01/2017 20:50

Not normal for 'plus 1's' at weddings I attend. My partner was not invited to my cousins wedding even though we were engaged at the time and we only invited long established couples- or should I say couples we had actually met.
Different stance for evening do, but at the formal (likely expensive) ceremony the faces of all attending should be filled with their love of the couple and of the occasion. How could that be if you have never met?

Rainbunny · 16/01/2017 20:50

I would say it's normal but I have experienced the no-plus one invite in the UK though. Along with cash bars, only inviting one person seems to be something that's acceptable in the UK but never done in the USA in my experience (where I reside - I'm British). Given that weddings are meant to celebrate the joining together of couples I always thought it was a bit bizarre to exclude "couples" from the guest list... No children is fine by me though ;)

sonyaya · 16/01/2017 20:52

I think unless the bride and groom elope, it is they who want the guests there and so the onus is on them to look after the guests

I totally agree about properly hosting guests who attend your wedding, but you give the impression guests are doing the B&G a favour by attending. Anyone who feels this way about a friend's wedding needs to decline.

I don't expect people to be honoured to receive an invitation to our wedding but I do expect a bit of respect for the fact we are saving our arses off for the wedding and we have prioritised inviting them over the many people we simply can't stretch to and have had to leave off.

GnomeDePlume · 16/01/2017 20:54

In my single days I never went to the formal day part of a wedding which did have a plus 1.

bellie710 · 16/01/2017 20:54

When we got married we were very limited on numbers so we only invited partners if couples actually lived together or had been together for years. The hotel also had a lit of couples and singles so they allocated them all to the right rooms. One of DH's friends who had just started seeing someone phoned and booked a double room for him and his girlfriend, when we told him she wasn't invited but was welcome to come at night he said if she can't come I won't come needless to say he never came! I wouldn't say plus 1's are the norm and I certainly wouldn't agree to one who insisted he got a plus 1!

cheekyfunkymonkey · 16/01/2017 20:59

I would be offended if I was him. 11 mo the or 5 years shouldn't matter, nor should kids be the deciding factor in a us one. If he has a partner then a plus one should have been issued. The problem now is that he knows you really don't want her to come. If you value his friendship for your dh and can afford it invite her and maybe apologise. If not then just say so sorry not possible and understand he probably won't attend. I wouldn't.

Ginger4justice · 16/01/2017 21:04

Sometimes on mumsnet with weddings I feel like I live on a different planet. I have never been to a wedding where "plus ones" have been invited. Partners who both the bride and groom have met is usually the cut off.
Plus one feels to me an American thing - but that maybe because I've only seen it on tv!
(I've also never been to a wedding with a free bar either!)

Ewock · 16/01/2017 21:04

I have been invited to weddings without a plus 1 (I went and had a great time at them all) I did know other people there. And to be honest it never occured to me to moan. Weddings are expensive and I was happy to be invited to be part of it. When I got married my dh and I invited some without giving them a plus 1. Either they were single or we had not met the partner, they did however know people at the wedding. Everyone was fine about it. We also had no children (I know the differing views on this but it was our wedding and what we wanted). We knew that with both those things some people may not like it and might not come. We hoped everyone would but were prepared for people to decline. Luckily for us everyone we invited came and only one person complained. We explained our reasons and they came. I always think it is up to the people who are getting married and there could be a range of reasons for them not to give a plus 1.