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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my 18yr son having girls sleep over.

73 replies

coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 15:18

I am really struggling.
He is very sexually active and while I realise he is an adult its my home :(
He says its his home too! But he thinks that casual sex is fun and doesn't seem mature enough to see the negatives that also can come along with this lifestyle.
He thinks I am being very unreasonable - I woke up to another young lady of 16 in my house at the weekend and he hit the roof when I said she couldn't stay over another night.

I have two other children in my house also, the youngest is 8. I would like to promote a different approach to relationships.

Any advice or similar experiences greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 16/01/2017 15:21

YANBU (although I think the horse has already bolted to be honest).

Allthewaves · 16/01/2017 15:21

I agree. My house rule would be once he has a gf who's been introduced to the family then he can have her sleeping over.

user1477282676 · 16/01/2017 15:22

Oh no...totally inapropriate! He can't bring random strangers into your home! Simply tell him no! Who'se he to "hit the roof"? It's your house. Your rules.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 16/01/2017 15:23

I had an absolute ban on my son having random girls over, reluctantly agreed when he was in a long term relationship to having the girlfriend (often!) but when this ended I said Nope to one nighters etc, said 'you will have to go to theirs son as I am not having it, makes me too uncomfortable' and his DB was at home too. He did respect this thank goodness despite having a try every so often to change my mind. He had a spell away working abroad, then at a friends where I presume he indulged in all sorts of shenanigans that I didn't need to know about.

nocampinghere · 16/01/2017 15:24

Just tell him no way and to have a bit of respect.

nocampinghere · 16/01/2017 15:24

Just tell him no way and to have a bit of respect.

Isadora2007 · 16/01/2017 15:27

Whilst I don't quite go right down the "my house my rules" route very often I'm afraid I would for this.
More because I have younger children too and I wouldn't want them to think casual relationships were the ideal.
Does he pay rent? That might sway my view a little... though even boarding houses or b and bs have rules about overnight guests am sure.
So no YANBU

itsmine · 16/01/2017 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2017 15:28

Who is in charge here ? Confused

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2017 15:32

Yes, there's a huge difference between a regular and known partner staying over, and some random stranger lurching from the bathroom unexpectedly. If he can't see the difference, he's not as adult as he thinks!

This is a family home, not a knocking shop. If he wants to live that way, he can find his own place. He does not have the right to impose random people on you and your privacy.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/01/2017 15:32

I let my lot have people they are in a relationship with stay over, but not randomers. Like you I have younger ones in the house and want to send them positive messages about sex and relationships.

I think you should stay firm about this. And perhaps have a serious chat to him about condoms, just in case he is being casual in that area too.

harderandharder2breathe · 16/01/2017 15:34

Yadnbu

You're more than entitled to say you don't want strangers in your home! If he doesn't like it then he can go and live independently and do whatever he wants

Original poster
coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 15:35

Thank you, glad Ianbur - He tells me I am out of touch and all his friends think I am a nut case.

No, he is a student but doesn't work, got the sack in the summer and hasn't worked since and doesn't contribute - another fun fight in our house.

He met said girl on Thursday and now it appears its a long term relationship. And its all going to fall to pieces because I wont let her stay over :-(

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 16/01/2017 15:36

In the words of my father to my DBs this isn't a knocking shop. I agree if it's a GF but not different girls especially with younger DC around. Their needs should triumph the eldest DB.

Topseyt · 16/01/2017 15:39

If he wants to live in your house he has to continue to abide by your rules.

Yes, he has a home in your house, but that is also conditional on him respecting your rules.

Tell him that in no uncertain terms. Leave no room for doubt. He has no right to turn it into a knocking shop (I know someone who had to have that drummed into them in precisely those terms). Nor, I presume, does he own the property.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/01/2017 15:42

Tell him all your friends think you are a nutcase to let him live there without contributing. Should you both implement your friends' wishes?

Topseyt · 16/01/2017 15:42

Cross post with underthemoonlight there.☺

wifeyhun · 16/01/2017 15:42

YANBU, it is unreasonable for anyone living in your home to keep bringing home random strangers.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 16/01/2017 15:43

And why aren't they at her house if everyone else's parents are so hip and liberal?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/01/2017 15:43

If it were a steady girlfriend. I'd be staying YABVU. But just bringing random girls back for sex. Is way out of order. He can take as many girls back as he likes when Hes got his own place.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 16/01/2017 15:44

Christ, no. As if that's bloody normal. He's talking out of his arse that his friends think you're a nutcase Hmm As PP, if it's a girlfriend who he is happy to introduce to the family, fine, if not, piss off elsewhere.

titchy · 16/01/2017 15:46

Nothing to stop him staying over at hers.

LTR - fine. ONS - not fine.

Original poster
coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 15:47

Hooray! Thanks all - this helps a lot!

OP posts:
EvansOvalPies · 16/01/2017 15:56

YANBU - for all the reasons given above. My own adult children have tried it - and failed, most miserably! Don't give in to the 'My friends think you are a nutcase'. They all try this from primary school. Stick to your guns. No randoms. I could tell you some tales from our house . . . . . . . Grin

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2017 15:58

TinklyLittleLaugh
"Tell him all your friends think you are a nutcase to let him live there without contributing. Should you both implement your friends' wishes?"

Oh yes, this!