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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my 18yr son having girls sleep over.

73 replies

coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 15:18

I am really struggling.
He is very sexually active and while I realise he is an adult its my home :(
He says its his home too! But he thinks that casual sex is fun and doesn't seem mature enough to see the negatives that also can come along with this lifestyle.
He thinks I am being very unreasonable - I woke up to another young lady of 16 in my house at the weekend and he hit the roof when I said she couldn't stay over another night.

I have two other children in my house also, the youngest is 8. I would like to promote a different approach to relationships.

Any advice or similar experiences greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 16/01/2017 17:12

He will thank you for it trust me.

KindDogsTail · 16/01/2017 17:13

He tells me I am out of touch and all his friends think I am a nut case
You are not out of touch or a nut case. He is out of touch with the reality of what a real relationship is, including a respectful one with the rest of his family.

Hope none of these girls gets pregnant as it does not sound as though he is anywhere near adult enough to take responsibility for any consequences of his actions.

corythatwas · 16/01/2017 17:22

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 16-Jan-17 15:32:19

"Yes, there's a huge difference between a regular and known partner staying over, and some random stranger lurching from the bathroom unexpectedly. If he can't see the difference, he's not as adult as he thinks!"

This. Not wanting the house open to any random stranger without warning is not the same as being an authoritarian prude: this is your house and you have a right to feel comfortable in it.

Trifleorbust · 16/01/2017 17:22

He needs to find somewhere else for his one night stands. Tell him you will give permission for him to ha r girlfriends staying over on a case-by-case basis.

Servicesupportforall · 16/01/2017 17:27

Not often a thread where I think everyone has agreed op.

He's out of order and I don't like the raising the roof behaviour. You are in charge of the house not him. 18 or what doesn't matter.

Adults respect boundaries and he's overstepping them with you over this and his attitude to you and younger siblings.

If he's got this much spare energy he needs to spend it working.

chatnanny · 16/01/2017 17:47

We also had a rule with our DC - regardless of their gender - that only relationships could sleep over. We called it 'no dodgy shags'!

chatnanny · 16/01/2017 17:49

In my experience it's best to never take any notice of "everyone else is allowed"!

Pagwatch · 16/01/2017 17:56

You need to stop letting him bully and browbeat you.

He is treating you and your home with a total absence of any respect.

Stop engaging with his shouting and tantrums. Describing him as very determined etc is just nonsense - you have taught him that if he raises enough shit you do what he wants.

Tell him you are happy for him to do what the fuck he wants once he has a job and his own home. You are not powerless , you are nodding along while he does nothing, earns nothing, fucks around and expects you to put up with it.

You and your partner are watching him setting him up to be a cocklodger.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/01/2017 17:59

YANBU

No way would I let this happen.

Stop letting him bully you and stand your ground.

AgreeableH · 16/01/2017 18:06

Chubb lock him out when he goes 'out out' then you will have to let him in - and tell whoever his catch of the week is to sling their hook :) few of those should do the trick!

In all seriousness he should not be having strangers in the house and by doing so is hugely disrespectful to you as you've voiced you are not comfortable with it. Maybe remind him with the fact he will have to pay for/raise a baby if he gets a girl pregnant.....

Original poster

coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 18:45

Thank you to everyone for your helpful and insightful advice. I feel better armed and confident to stand my ground now.
He is a bully, but myself and my husband are no pushovers thank you. We are trying to do the polar opposite of what you describe Pagwatch.
I came here for clarity which I have got! Off to take it out on my spinning class xx

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2017 18:46

"It is incredibly hard parenting my son as he is determined, wilful and will attempt to batter you down with argument. This can go for weeks or until he gets his own way."
Broken record technique. Repeat your position (e.g. "you want one-night-stands you can go to their place, I will not be waking up to strangers in my house"), but on the third repeat tell him if he asks again then . And do it. As it stands there is no penalty for battering away at you, and he expects to succeed eventually. Change the rules of the game. Persistence not only does not win, it loses something. That something could be cooking for him, access to broadband, whatever you think will hurt the most.

"I have told him if he cant live with our rules he can leave, but he says how dare we put that pressure on him! And that, aren't we supposed to be a family? Aren't we all supposed to be happy and comfortable? Isnt this his home to? (lip tremble)"
Oh he's such an amateur handing you lines with such ready responses !
How dare we = we dare because this is our home and you're treating it like a knocking shop
Pressure = you don't know the meaning of pressure, it's time you got a job and then you can talk about pressure
Aren't we supposed to be a family? = Exactly, with no randoms spoiling the family atmosphere
Aren't we all supposed to be happy and comfortable? = So why are you insisting on making the rest of us unhappy and uncomfortable?
Isn't this his home too = Yes, in MY house. SO I make the rules. You don't like it, set up your own household.
(lip tremble) = if you're going to pout like a toddler how do you expect me to treat you like an adult now go to your room

My father was also fond of 'This house is not a democracy it is a dictatorship, and I dictate that ...'

Seriously, let him have it with both barrels. THink back to toddler days, what worked then? Consistency and standing your ground. Nothing has changed .

Atenco · 16/01/2017 18:48

I love that woman, Justanothernameonthepage

Topseyt · 16/01/2017 19:10

WhereYouLeftIt has just about summer upnthe answers I would give to those rather weak and feeble arguments from your DS.

Stand your ground. Give him both barrels. Do not let him guilt trip you and DO. NOT. GIVE. IN.

Respect is a two way street. If he continues to disrespect your rules and treats your house as a knocking shop then he will become unlivable with and will have to leave. Tell him that and stick to it. Brook no dissent.

Topseyt · 16/01/2017 19:13

*summed up the answers. Stupid autocorrect!!

AnyFucker · 16/01/2017 21:04

What a drama lama he is

Just laugh at him and walk away
And if he brings a random home again he will find the chain on the door

You are in charge. He can bog off to the young ladies houses if they are all so liberated at their gaffs

I can imagine the reaction of the various teen girls parents when he pops his toothbrush in the holder

EvansOvalPies · 16/01/2017 21:22

Honestly, CoffeeHouse - we have been through this, with both DD and DS. It didn't end well with either of them, examples of previous posters given above. I have no problem with a long-term relationship sleep-over, or boys and girls sleeping over because they are drunk after a night out and they just crash (if they vomit, they are handed a bucket of hot soapy water when they wake up next morning ... etc ... Both DC have brought randoms home, hoping I won't notice. BUT I DID NOTICE. Neither has done it since. 'Nuff said. Draw your own conclusions . . . . . . . . .

Cherrysoup · 16/01/2017 21:36

I'm amazed at his sheer chutzpah! When he's contributing to the household (what's his excuse for not having a job??) and in a steady relationship, fine, he can, but fetching one night stands into the house is an appalling example for his younger sibs. Don't tolerate him banging on about this, shut him down straight off, no engaging with it.

AnyFucker · 16/01/2017 21:39

My 21yo contributes financially and we still would not allow random shagging in our house.

llangennith · 16/01/2017 21:40

My DS was allowed to have girls stay over when he was in a relationship with them but not random pick ups. This was more about not wanting random females wandering round the house than any moral stance.

Original poster

coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 21:48

Its been good to let some humor into the situation!
He is a randy toad and trying every trick in the book :D

He isn't talking to me at the moment (again) - but if he tries this again he will deffo get both barrels. My husband has read all this and agrees, TF.
Also going to take hard line on the job front too!

Bloody exhausting..

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 17/01/2017 07:50

I would be telling him clearly that it isn't his place to argue the toss about what will and won't be accepted in your home. As an adult, he lives there because you are still prepared to have him there, not because he is entitled to room and board. He needs to start respecting the fact that this is your home. I would tell him that next time he fails to do that he can start looking for his own place.

Surreyblah · 17/01/2017 10:47

The sanctions approach a PP describes can be used if he continues to sulk!

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