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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my 18yr son having girls sleep over.

73 replies

coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 15:18

I am really struggling.
He is very sexually active and while I realise he is an adult its my home :(
He says its his home too! But he thinks that casual sex is fun and doesn't seem mature enough to see the negatives that also can come along with this lifestyle.
He thinks I am being very unreasonable - I woke up to another young lady of 16 in my house at the weekend and he hit the roof when I said she couldn't stay over another night.

I have two other children in my house also, the youngest is 8. I would like to promote a different approach to relationships.

Any advice or similar experiences greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

CockacidalManiac · 16/01/2017 15:59

He seems to know all his 'rights', but few of his responsibilities

Mollyringworm · 16/01/2017 16:02

Wow, can't believe u think Yabu! I recently found an empty condom wrapper in my 17yo ds's room and pretty much hit the roof! He admitted he'd had a girl round while we were away 'ages ago'. I said if he has been seeing someone for a while and gives us the chance to get to know her and then Asks us for permission about whether she can stay over, well that's another matter to be discussed at the time.
I didn't give him a punishment as such (I think the lecture was punishment enough) but I did tell him we won't be leaving him alone in the house any more he'll have to go and stay with his nana (actually, that probably is quite a big punishment).
I consider myself a very young, quite laid back mum actually (was only 20 when I had him)

It's not just the thought of them having sex under your roof but the fact it's some random girl - could be a theif for all we know! (I still have no clue who this girl was)!

HelenaGWells · 16/01/2017 16:07

He met said girl on Thursday and now it appears its a long term relationship. And its all going to fall to pieces because I wont let her stay over

Don't be blackmailed. There is a big difference between a long term partner staying over and a one night stand or casual fling staying over. The later isn't a good example to a younger sibling, can have bad consequences and as a parent you are perfectly within your rights to not facilitate it.

There is no reason at all why a relationship even HAS to involve overnight stays. Unless there's a long distance element to it then why do you need to stay over (especially if you've been together less than a week) anyway? If they want to shag I'm sure they can do it at other times. If they are serious then I'm sure she can spend some time with him outside the house, at your house and at her house and stay over once you are more comfortable and both you and your other child know her better.

notangelinajolie · 16/01/2017 16:07

He is taking the p* and showing no respect to you, his siblings or the poor girls he is bringing back. Tell him if he wants a shag pad he should move out.

frenchfancy · 16/01/2017 16:09

No randoms in the house. Set a time period (say 3 months) before overnight stays are allowed. Make it clear that the same rules apply for everyone in the house not just him.

TeethDrama · 16/01/2017 16:10

YANBU. I think his whole attitude is out of order. Nobody wants their home to be a one-night-stand palace especially with younger children around.

Firm ban on it, I would. He really can just learn to not go the whole way with a girl of an evening. If he has been seeing the same girl for a length of time, maybe. Even then I wouldn't let them treat it like a free B&B.

If his mates parents are so liberal, they won't mind everyone going back there, will they . When he's got a place of his own he can do what the heck he wants.

I have an 8yo DS and the thought of some random girl turning up in the kitchen of a morning makes me twitch. I guess I'm going to have to get used to the idea - or set out some ground rules early on!

When I were a lass living at home as an older teenager, we would snog etc on the doorstep, but over my parents' dead bodies would I have brought a guy in for a shag just for the night. I'm aiming for the same from my DSs. (wish me luck...)

HelenaGWells · 16/01/2017 16:10

You can give him privacy by not barging into his room unannounced but definately stick to your guns re staying over. If he wants to be free to shag around and have a parade of girls staying over then he needs to get a job and start saving for his own place.

Forgetmenotblue · 16/01/2017 16:13

Agree with everyone. My DS who is 19 has his long term gf over to stay as she lives quite a long way away. (They are uni students together, she is from another part of the country). They've been together for a year and she has met all,our family, and he hers.

One nighters...no. We want him to associate sex with long term, respectful, loving relationships. And for his younger siblings to see that those are our family values. Not us facilititating casual hookups with randoms.

He knows that we are hospitable and welcoming I hope, from the many times we have his friends over to eat, sleep on the sofa, without notice etc. So it's not a hospitality thing, it's a respect thing.

TeethDrama · 16/01/2017 16:14

PS "fall to pieces" - if it's meant to be, not being able to shag two night in a row from the night they met which was less than a week ago won't dent their "relationship".

Re-reading your OP, I honestly think you've let things go too far right under your nose. Not only is your DS bringing home strangers for sex (are they trustworthy?!) he is actually moaning about it because you said no to night 2. Good grief. He has got such as sense of entitlement. I would absolutely get a set of ground rules going and bang it to him, no discussion, no argument, just "here's how it's going to be from now on son - don't like it- TOUGH". He should have more respect for his family.

dollydaydream114 · 16/01/2017 16:14

YANBU. I'd be absolutely fine with an 18 year old having a steady boyfriend/girlfriend stay over, but not one-night stands.

It's not really even about his sex life, it's about the fact that he's just bringing random people into your house. I wouldn't be keen on that even if he wasn't sleeping with them, to be honest.

He's having you on if he says all his friends' mums are fine about this kind of thing ... if they were, he'd be going to the girls' houses instead of always bringing them back to your place.

GeorgeTheThird · 16/01/2017 16:15

When they are eighteen or thereabouts, how do you decide if it's a long term relationship though? DS1 is almost eighteen and has been seeing a girl for two or three months. She is a nice girl and comes round for meals and so on. But she lives a long way away and he is keen for her to stay over. I have said she can on three or four occasions so far, the theory being that she is in the spare room. I'm pretty sure he is in the spare room as well for at least part of the night. But I have asked that everyone be in the right place in the morning as I feel more comfortable with that.

This would never have happened in my parents house, lovely though they are. So I feel a bit unsure about it all.

MrsJayy · 16/01/2017 16:15

Nope i have an 18yr old girl and i would be mortified if i met a random bloke over breakfast tell him he is welcome to move out and get his own place . Friend of mines son was doing this random girls every other morning he refused to abide by house rules so moved out

alltouchedout · 16/01/2017 16:18

At 18 I'd think it was a bit off not to be allowed an actual partner stay over, but it's entirely reasonable not to want unknown randoms in your house, particularly with younger dc around. And why can't he stay at her place if you're so behind the times and everyone else's parents are fine with it?

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 16/01/2017 16:20

Just fwiw when I was 18/19 (I'm only 23 now), I had two blokes stay over after a night out that I most certainly was not in a relationship with. One I'd been texting and seeing a bit for a few months who I ended up getting with and later living with and the other a guy who I started seeing afterwards which went precisely nowhere.
Although one ended in a relationship, I cringe at how utterly disrespectful I was. That was my mum's home and my siblings' home and I didn't respect their space or privacy.

FlyingElbows · 16/01/2017 16:41

I'm happy for staying over in a proper relationship but I'm afraid outside of that I am hoiking my bosom and my judge pants right up. I would make mince meat of my sons if they showed me, their father, our home, themselves and any young woman such disrespect. I'd have no qualms at all in roasting him on the spot and turfing little miss slack knickers out the door. My boys know better and in this house the Mother Ship is in charge! Standards, they must have standards. God I sound like the Daily Mail but come on op put your foot down.

thethoughtfox · 16/01/2017 16:43

It might encourage him to get working to get his own place if you say no

Sayhellopolly · 16/01/2017 16:44

Your house, your rules. If he doesn't like it he can always move out and get his own place. That was the advice I got at 20 when I was treating my mums like a doss house

Surreyblah · 16/01/2017 16:46

The homeowner gets to decide what constitutes a "long term" relationship when it comes to staying over privileges!

Your DS needs to get a job and move out if he disagrees with your rules.

wannabestressfree · 16/01/2017 16:55

I love the people using the phrase 'knocking shop' reminds me of my dad.

Original poster

coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 16:55

Thank you all - I am relieved that I am not being a terrible person. It is incredibly hard parenting my son as he is determined, wilful and will attempt to batter you down with argument. This can go for weeks or until he gets his own way.

I am not sure what constitutes a serious relationship! But I don't think it is 4 days..
Teethdrama I see your point, and he should absolutely have more respect, its awful - but in my defence he brought her in at 4am when the house was asleep. I certainly hadn't given permission.
His other encounters have been away from the house, but he is brutally honest and tells us. I hate the choices he is making but am powerless to stop it, but I am glad my position is generally the norm amongst other parents here. I think teens can make you question everything sometimes :(

OP posts:

Justanothernameonthepage · 16/01/2017 16:57

I'm thinking back to my days at college when the exasperated parent of a lothario, decided to place some poster size prints of embarrassing photos of him all over the house, stayed up until he came home to talk to the girls, asking details about parents and school etc before gossiping about whatever came into their head (often asking if they knew his girlfriends from last month). This would then be followed by a 7am knock to see if they wanted to do semi naked yoga and a sudden love of brass band music to accompany it. (If he put on music to drown it out, a sudden power cut would mysteriously happen, with the brass band CD being on a battery radio). Oh and lots of comments about how they hoped he was using protection and his tests were up to date. In front of everyone. Took around a month for M to decide he didn't want his parents to be aware of his love life.

Stingray2008 · 16/01/2017 17:00

Oh god im glad mine arent that age yet i already get told im the meanest mum ever for not allowing sleepovers by dd 11. One of her friends is aloud mayve once a month but i hate people being in my house. I was even like it as a child.

As for your son id tell him if he doesnt like your rules he can leave. Hes completely disrespecting you and its not on.

Original poster

coffeehouse · 16/01/2017 17:04

I have told him if he cant live with our rules he can leave, but he says how dare we put that pressure on him! And that, aren't we supposed to be a family? Aren't we all supposed to be happy and comfortable? Isnt this his home to? (lip tremble)
You get the gist..*sigh

OP posts:

Stingray2008 · 16/01/2017 17:08

@justanothername i love that sounds like something i would do! Reminds me of my first boyfriends mum who offered me a what i though was a sweet from a pick and mix bag when i went round the first time (we had been dating a while but i hadnt even thought about sex as i was so shy) which turned out to be a bag of condoms. I nearly died of embarrassment.

girlelephant · 16/01/2017 17:09

YANBU. I think it is your house your rules as I completely understood my parents not letting my DB stay over when I was teens/early 20s. But with this being casual relationships and one night stands I think it's rude of him to expect them to stay!

I think say no and that if he has a serious GF you may think differently.

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