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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I not have posted this?

148 replies

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 15/01/2017 21:06

Had a great weekend... had really good news after a long time waiting for it, saw lots of friends we haven't seen in a while, my DD with Sen who we thought would never potty train actually went by herself!! And had a big family roast at my mums to celebrate the news.

I am not one to usually post a picture of my dinner... I think I put on a Christmas dinner picture and a stew burnt pot disaster in the past but it's rare, but I posted it saying what a great weekend, and nothing like a roast cooked by your mum... or words to that effect.

Then a friend of mine whos mum died several years ago sent an inbox saying 'I wouldn't know.'

Now I feel terrible... WIBU? Blush

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 16/01/2017 09:27

Why on earth do FB'ers display pictures of roast dinners with cringey captions?...

HelenaGWells · 16/01/2017 09:34

Yanbu.My mum died a while ago and I wouldn't have minded this picture at all - I would have been happy that you had a such a great time.

Same here. I don't want to live my life begrudging everyone else time with their mum just because mine isn't here. Don't take it down either send a nice message back or just ignore. It's a perfectly normal lovely thing to post.

By this logic no one should post a photo of their kids ever if they have anyone on their friends list who is not a parent... Hmm

HelenaGWells · 16/01/2017 09:36

If she doesn't have form she's probably having a rough day. A nice message back is fine, you don't need to remove it.

earlgreysandpuppies · 16/01/2017 09:39

YANBU. She was. She's obviously still grieving but that's no excuse to not allow others to share their happiness.

chloesmumtoo · 16/01/2017 10:00

You can only assume she has found the time of year very difficult and has released this out on you which is unfair. You did nothing wrong and she should actually be apologizing to you. Yes she is obviously very depressed/ very spiteful or maybe had a few to many drinks that night. But you had no need to say sorry to her and so glad your mum told you not to remove the picture. All you need to do is sympathise with her but continue to enjoy your mum and do not let her ruin that. Let her know you care but don't let her overstep her boundaries by expecting everyone to act differently. Time has past and everyone cannot step on eggshells forever despite feeling for her. I hope she replies with an apology herself. I notice in your post you said you had seen many friends you had not seen in a while, did she know this? Was it jelousy she had not seen you? Just a thought....

pinkblink · 16/01/2017 10:03

Best cancel Mother's Day then seeing as nobody else is allowed to appreciate or even mention their mums Hmm

Quarksoundslikequack · 16/01/2017 10:10

Sounds cruel but don't take it down. There's kids who don't have fathers because they walked....should people not post pictures of their dads, in case they cause offence??

Should we not post pictures of bacon in case people who don't eat it for religious purposes take offence??

Should slim people be banned from social media in case us larger ladies take offence??

Should men with hair be stopped from uploading pictures in case they offend bald men??

Honestly the list goes on and on!

NavyandWhite · 16/01/2017 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

melj1213 · 16/01/2017 10:26

My first reaction to getting a message like that would be to reply with "You wouldn't know what? Did I miss something?" because it wouldn't connect that a post I made about a roast dinner would warrant a message like that. I probably wouldn't send it if it was a one off behaviour, but I would find a way to make it clear that it wasn't an OK message to send. That's not to say I don't have any sympathy for her, and if she was having a bad day etc, but that doesn't excuse you from common courtesy.

I think I might be a bit biased though as I can't stand people who use that kind of guilt trippy behaviour - I had a friend I lived with at uni whose father died when he was a small child, so it had been at least 15 years, and he would always find a way to twist a conversation round to the fact his dad was dead, and it was a total conversation ender and mood killer.

Until one day when my dad had called - he works offshore and his working patterns that year had been really off so I had kept missing him whenever I went home and I literally hadn't seen him for a year - he was supposed to be visiting me for a weekend but at the last minute he had been summoned back to his boat so he called to say he couldn't make it. I was upset and a little bit pissed off so I was having a chat to our other housemate about how I just wanted to be able to see him for a few hours and I never knew where he was from one minute to the next etc etc and he literally wandered in halfway through the conversation to say "At least you can still see your dad, mine's dead" at which point I snapped back "Yes, we know because you mention it every day, so what's your point? Your dad might be dead, but it doesn't mean I can't bitch about mine occasionally without a guilt trip from you". I felt immediately awful for saying it but it shut him down in that moment and something must have resonated in him because he stopped throwing in comments about his dad to every conversation, and relations very much improved after that.

PurpleDaisies · 16/01/2017 10:41

Best cancel Mother's Day then seeing as nobody else is allowed to appreciate or even mention their mums

Regarding Facebook, Mother's Day is almost easier to deal with because you know it'll be full of stuff you might personally find upsetting. You can just avoid it. Sometimes it's the random things out of the blue that get you. It's all very well other posters saying things like My mum died a while ago and I wouldn't have minded this picture at all - I would have been happy that you had a such a great time but clearly the op's friend was upset and missed her mum. It's not right to just say she shouldn't have felt like that-you can't help how you feel.

I'm not saying she was right to send the message because I don't think it was justified but I can understand the sadness and I'd be sympathetic.

TheNoodlesIncident · 16/01/2017 10:43

But OP's friend said "I wouldn't know." She didn't put "Take your mum's roast dinner and stuff it up your arse you insensitive caaaaah"... I don't think she's a bitch at all, just that she gave in to a moment's bitterness or anguish.

(I lost my dad when I was two, so have no memories whatsoever to hold on to or remember him by. I do feel deep sadness about this but it is what it is and can't be changed. I wouldn't feel that nobody should post stuff about their dad because of it.)

Purplebluebird · 16/01/2017 10:44

My mum died 3 years ago (today), and I wouldn't have minded it. Other people do have mothers, even if I don't anymore.

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/01/2017 10:45

Gosh. My mum died just under 3 years ago and Mother's Day occurred 2 weeks after that. Even at that particularly fantastic point in my life, I wouldn't have gone so far as to pm people with the express intent of making them feel shitty for innocuous remarks.

You did nothing wrong op.

NavyandWhite · 16/01/2017 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JanisNedob · 16/01/2017 11:58

Just Shock at some of you on here. Bloody hell

CaraAspen · 16/01/2017 12:02

"gleam

No. She was."

Exactly. What she said was dreadful.

Adeyj · 16/01/2017 21:10

JanisNedob > not sure how culling selfish, myopic bulling people is aggressive. Unless this person was an 8yo she knew exactly what she was doing. Or she's emotionally retarded. Either way putting up with this behaviour of anyone just says "walk all over me. I'm here as a punishing bag every time you feel like it." OP was celebrating. If you can't be happy for a friend, your not one.

NavyandWhite · 16/01/2017 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JanisNedob · 16/01/2017 21:43

Punishing bag? Ok then

JanisNedob · 16/01/2017 21:44

Adeyj there's a fair bit of projecting going on here, I'd say

Frenchmom · 16/01/2017 21:53

No you weren't. My mother died 12 years ago, and yes, I do feel envious when people post about things they have been doing with their mothers, but I would never make them feel bad for writing about it.

altiara · 16/01/2017 22:08

Ywnbu.
Odd comment though from your friend. Is she saying I want a roast dinner? Or I miss my mum.
Either way, she could have either not have pissed on your weekend or said she was struggling/missing her mum. I know it's hard when you lose a parent but I really would be thrown by that message as I can't interpret it.
Great news about your DD and her potty training though.

diddl · 17/01/2017 08:09

"But OP's friend said "I wouldn't know.""

She would know what it's like to have a roast cooked by her mum though, wouldn't she?

Unless her mum never cooked roasts.

Which would probably still be the case if her mum was still alive.

So really it makes no sense imo.

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