To stop work

[hurtingbackachingheart]

I can never make my mind up, so quick thread to get other views.

Pros are, I like my job, it's school hours, it's worthwhile and it pays reasonably well.

Cons. Oh, the cons.

I'm not making a huge amount. In fact I make barely anything, due to nursery costs. This will change obviously.
I have other things I want to do ... I have got really into some voluntary work, and I could help out more there, I want to do some more voluntary work with animals but don't have time.
The house is a mess.
I have another interest I want to develop but really don't have time.

Any thoughts? I made a vague enquiring about PT but was essentially told NO.

hurtingback I'm not sure where all the anti-husband stuff is coming from because really I didn't get that from your original post, unless it was an undertone that I didn't pick up on. At the stage you are at with your DCs I was also at a not dissimilar place. conversely to your DH mine was not keen on me leaving work because he felt I would waste the work I had already put in to my career and would not find it easy to return to the workplace and that I would find it hard to loose the independence of earning myself. I am glad now that my DC are 11 and 8 that I didn't leave, because he was right. I like to think that if I was a SAHM then the house and garden would be immaculate, but actually in my heart I know that it would be a bit better than now but definitely not better enough to make it worth giving up a job I like sometimes
So maybe consider where you want to be in 5 years and think about what decisions would be the best route to that place. Good luck

I think what most families do is

Have one parent FT and one a SAHP or PT or
Have family support or
Paid help.

Nope it can be done without help.
Shopping online.
Presents amazon
Shoes not a weekly thing if grow outside holidays after school as it's quieter than weekends.
Clothes online shopping. You know the sizes and go free returns so if sizing has changed easy enough.
Apart from food use lockers or local shop for deliveries unless amazon and order so it's a weekend delivery. I also get some delivered to work.
Term time do the minimum household stuff - kitchen daily, bath rinsed out after every use and cleaned after a bath. Have one of those sponge things you can put washing up liquid in, but have cleaner in there.
Cooking if nuggets get chucked in the oven no biggie.
Washing a load a day or two to stop the pile. Uniforms have more than one so there's always one clean.
Floors Hoover and mop couple of times a week. Doesn't take long, skirting gets done at the same time.
Use something put it away afterwards.
Weekends just do the basics still.

Holidays that when the oven gets washed.
Declutteribg happens which you have 6 or 12 weeks to see what crap isn't being used.
Windows get done.

It's about time management.

iv read through the thread and honesty it sounds like you don't want to work, never mind what your husband says. You want to do unpaid volunteer work instead of your current job. Question is can you afford to pay for nursery to do unpaid volunteering? Are you happy with dh being sole wage earner? That you will never probably get a job that fits in with kids like school based one.

YANBU, if your DH earns enough go for what your heart says.

It's not all about the money and career progression. Volunteering for animals sounds great and very important but then I'm a sop when it comes to animals and if you can build an income based on your personal interest then go for it.

Watch this:

www.ted.com/talks/larry_smith_why_you_will_fail_to_have_a_great_career

As other say, school hours jobs are very hard to find. If you give up this one you may never get another.

Bearing that in mind, are you willing to take the risk of never returning to work in future or having to take a full time (I mean standard hours) job - for the sake of 3 mornings a week now?

There is no right or wrong answer but you have to be clear about the fact that you are prioritising short term over long term.

As an aside, am a bit about your DH not being ok with a cleaner but expecting you to do the cleaning. He should get over himself.

Hi op, not sure why you are being given such a hard time by other posters.....perfectly reasonable question after all...

Most parents understand wanting some time to themselves for their sanity, so l do get why you are thinking of giving up your job, also you have a passion for your volunteering.

Life is for living and being happy...for some thats being a CEO and fighting a hundred stressful issues at once, for others its living in a cabin in the woods off the land!

You have a great hobby, and job you love with convenient hours, so to give either of those up seems really daft.

l think you should try really hard to get a day off in the week but if you cannot then organise your life differently.

List all the tedious jobs and allocate them to either you or your husband or out source them.

Ironing is easily outsourced and not too costly.
Monthly gardener, 2 hours can work wonders.
Get organised, and seriously declutter, get storage for Dcs toys and enforce tidying rules, unless really tiny they can tidy up every afternoon before bed.
Agree with DH that one night a week is take away or pizza delivery so no one cooks.
Split cooking between you, same with clearing up after.
Set a regular night off for you, DH to take over and you go out ( or have a long bath if he will not ask you for help! ) Just one night for him to take over is perfectly reasonable!
Online order food twice weekly inc birthday cards, gifts, clothes, in fact almost anything that wastes valuable time...unless unlike me you like shopping over the weekend!
Your DH should not be pressuring you, only give up your job if you are absolutely sure YOU will not regret it. It may not pay you much excess now after costs but calculate what your lifestyle would be like when DCs are at school....then you can pay for more help and still have a job you enjoy and your hobby.
Do not be browbeaten by your DH it is your choice and your future.

Op, you already are what most would consider part time in that you work school hours only and term times only.
I get that you want some child free time-my friend who is a teacher feels the same way-and that you want to keep your volunteering.
So, as other posters have said-put in place some systems to support this. Pay the Amazon prime fee=get Birthday presents delivered next day. Pay a supermarket delivery fee=get groceries delivered when it suits, maybe 4pm when you're home from work. As others have said, get your dc to have a quick tidy up with you each night before the bath and bed routine. Stick some music on, do it together, make it fun. Employ a gardener and/or cleaner. If DH doesn't like the idea he gets to do that job. Clear the crap stuff that takes time and you don't enjoy =more time for volunteering.

And yes in response to your earlier qu, they don't have to grant flexible working-but they do have to justify a refusal.

Jobs in school hours are like hens teeth. I think you'd be mad to give it up. You still work considerably less hours than most people. Perhaps you need to organise your free time better.

You say you're work full time, but I beg to differ.
I work half 9 - 5:30. I need to leave the house at 7, I won't be back until half 7, then it's time to get DS ready for bed. My partner and I can't afford a cleaner because childcare is rinsing us, so we still need to do housework and feed ourselves evening and weekends. I'm continuing to work cos I could progress really well in the next few years and when we don't have to pay £1k for childcare per month, we'll be laughing.

Just admit you just don't want to work instead of blaming your work life balance /husband.

Be prepared that when you're ready to go back to work, it will take longer because there will be people just as qualified with more recent job experience.

Sigh. Ok, I work part time. I'm obviously just bad with time and DH is right.

What is your job? If you are a teacher then yes your hours are ft but if a TA probably not
I work 4 days a week no school holidays yes money is tight until childcare costs go down but you have to think long term

It's unfortunate this turned into an argument about whether you work part time and how other people do real full time jobs. Neither of those are salient points. How other people feel about their hours has nothing to do with you. FWIW, as a part timer having done various different combinations, I can totally see how 5 short days would feel exhausting in a way that 3 longer ones wouldn't. And you're doing 30 hours a week, I think, which actually is shitloads more than a lot of mothers of young children. It's more than I've ever done. Your issue is that you don't have any childfree time to get things done, and yes that is tiring and frustrating as hell.

However, what you have there is as rare as rocking horse shit. You will be beating other parents off with a shitty stick for that job once your youngest starts school. With that in mind, I'd try very hard to look for other ways of making this work if at all possible (and I totally see why you want to carry on with the Samaritans, much respect for balancing that with all the demands of a job and young family). Particularly if your youngest is at or close to free hours age. How old are they?

And yes, your DH is a problem. I actually do see the point about scaling down volunteering being the obvious solution in many ways, but only if he doesn't also have a hobby. If he does, even if it's just the gym or the odd drink after work, you should also be able to have the same amount of time for yourself. Does he?

OP do what you want to do. If your husband earns enough that you can stop work then do it if that's what you want. You only live once and you know what they say when you get to 90 very few people look back and wished they had worked more but more likely wish that they had spent more time with family, friends and hobbies.

So you are bad with time, so what! Everyone has things they are good and bad at. If you are in a position to give your self more time through not working then go for it

I don't understand why so many people think its bad for a part-time worker to do the housework when the other partner works full-time. And it sounds ridiculous that a part-time worker would need a cleaner. There's nothing wrong with being a SAHP when kids are young, but you don't seem to be making the decision to give up work to spend time with the kids, who you'll still put in childcare. Your decision all seems to be about how you'd like to spend your time - does your DH also have the option of packing in his job to do voluntary work??
If I was your DH, I'd say you could pack in work if you;re going to take the kids out of childcare and be a full-time mum. I wouldn't pay for you to fanny about and still pay for childcare.

You're letting your stupid preconceptions get in the way of your reading comprehension again harshbuttrue (misleading name if ever I saw one). OP will be spending a great deal more time with the kids, because they'd only be in childcare three mornings a week. And your concern for DH doesn't take into account that he wants OP to quit.

A word of warning OP.

My DH was like this. Wanted me to be a SAHM (with our younger 2 children, i went back to work after DS1 and there is a 7 year gap between the children). It was going to be expensive for childcare so I agreed. I spend 9 years as a SAHM and stepped off the career ladder. DH checked out of family life and everything fell to me, including the care of a severely disabled child (which in fairness would have stopped me working anyway).

Then last Christmas DH said he wanted a divorce and I was left picking up the pieces and facing a life of supporting my family with no job and no career prospects. Luckily I was able to use some voluntary work as experience for a job that I love (although its full time and pays just above minimum wage). I have managed to get around things with breakfast clubs and flexiworking but its hard - I want to be able to do all the things I did for the DC's when I wasnt working, so I spend an enormous amount of time organising and running around on top of a job. I feel like a headless chicken.

DH and I have reconciled, and our marriage is better than it was, but there is no way I am giving up my independence again. I carried on in my job, much to DH's upset, but its a non-negotiable for me.

I think the trick, OP, is making the decision for the long term when you are living in really short phase, having a child at nursery and presumably not funded hours yet.

PPs are right though, loads of couples have one working less than, say, 30 hours a week or SAHing (me included) and you don't have to justify to anyone if you do that. I love the idea of SAHing myself, though I'm too much of a procrastinator so I don't think it would be very good for me. It can also be a challenge to a marriage IMO, if you are used to doing similar things.

I don't know why we're bickering over the FT/PT thing. Surely if it's 35 hours or more it's FT, and if it's less it's PT. But obviously working 32 hours a week is radically different to working 10, so it's a moot point.

Thanks, everyone, and I do appreciate not being told I am lazy or don't want to spend time with my children (I do! That's THE main motivator!)

Gandolf I'm glad your marriage looks like it's going to work I know exactly what you mean.

I'm not at heart a selfish person but I can see the current way isn't working for anybody. Especially me!

The reason we are bickering over the full time and part time thing is that the implication by many is that I am part time and therefore should be able to do all the things I want to plus never be disorganised in the house etc. Which is also DHs argument.

Seeing as how your time not working is spent with small DC in the home, the only people who think you should never be disorganised in the house are ones with shit for brains. The only way that would work is if they were never in it.

How old is your youngest btw?

you know what they say when you get to 90 very few people look back and wished they had worked more

You know, I don't think this is actually true. I know a few older (and younger) women who do wish they had worked more. They're generally the ones who became SAHM, ran the house whilst their DH worked...and then found themselves divorced, in some cases after decades out of the workplace. Giving up work entirely did them no favours and they look back and regret it.

We live in a household where DP and I both work full-time and no family nearby to support

I think the hours you work now will be great when your DCs are older. I also think you would be wise to listen to Gandolf.

But. You have to decide for yourself. Everyone finds different arrangements more or less tolerable. Ask for opinions from others of course but ultimately it's YOUR life you're living.

I appreciate some people do do that Guitar and they do it very well, but personally I don't know any. Everyone I know with preschool (and even primary school) children with no family around have one parent working part time as a bare minimum.