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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop work

374 replies

hurtingbackachingheart · 13/01/2017 16:10

I can never make my mind up, so quick thread to get other views.

Pros are, I like my job, it's school hours, it's worthwhile and it pays reasonably well.

Cons. Oh, the cons.

I'm not making a huge amount. In fact I make barely anything, due to nursery costs. This will change obviously.
I have other things I want to do ... I have got really into some voluntary work, and I could help out more there, I want to do some more voluntary work with animals but don't have time.
The house is a mess.
I have another interest I want to develop but really don't have time.

Any thoughts? I made a vague enquiring about PT but was essentially told NO.

OP posts:
Hercules12 · 15/01/2017 20:27

I agree, a tetching job with very little work outside school hours is rare. I wouldn't let that go. You get all the benefits - pay, hold day, pension and with less hours.

Hercules12 · 15/01/2017 20:27

Holiday

Hercules12 · 15/01/2017 20:28

You're finding it hard because your dh isn't doing anything.

JassyRadlett · 15/01/2017 20:28

OP, someone upthread suggested going to see your GP. Would you consider doing that? You sound very down, and very down on yourself.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 20:30

Do I, sorry. I'm ok. I just wish I had a moment to draw a breath.

OP posts:
TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 15/01/2017 20:33

I'm paranoid about being outed on MN as I am in a niche role (not school) so I do understand your reluctance to be specific but if you can't give details then you maybe should seek some confidential career advice elsewhere.

I feel I should change what I've said now as I would not have advised a flexible working request mid year now that you have said you are a teacher in some capacity - as ilovesooty has said - it seems more sensible to wait and do that nearer to the next academic year. It also makes more sense now that it seems less likely that they would let you drop your hours.

I made an unpopular (with my boss, not my colleagues) flexible working request to drop my hours. She didn't like it but couldn't produce fully sound business reasons so although I had to alter my shift pattern the reduction in hours was approved. My card is marked, yes, but my quality of life is better. I should say we didn't have a good relationship before my request anyway though!

bloodyteenagers · 15/01/2017 20:33

You are finding it hard because you have a useless husband. He don't want to do anything and he doesn't want to pay for help.
If he stepped up and took care of his responsibilities you wouldn't be knckered. We can go round and round in circles until the thread is full, but this is the reality of it.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/01/2017 20:34

If you do have QTS then you have a really good chance of getting back into a job easily in future. It probably wouldn't be what you are doing now which is, as you say, quite specialist. But it does change the outlook for returning after being a SAHM for a while very different. In that situation to me it's a no-brainer, I would take a career break and look to go back to work later. I'm pretty sure the teaching profession isn't suddenly going to fill up in the next 5 or 6 years.

Zippidydoodah · 15/01/2017 20:38

I left teaching and now work in a preschool. The pay is shockingly low but I feel a million times better for making the move (I have young children too).

I think you want to leave your job, and if that's how you feel deep down, that's what you'll do, regardless of what a few internet randoms think.

Good luck with your decision!

SilentBatperson · 15/01/2017 20:41

If you have QTS I think that's relevant because it may mean there are other working and earning options for you.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 20:49

It's not really about the money at this stage.

For all everyone criticises DH, he has given me a clear get out clause I guess it's me refusing to take it.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2017 20:55

"For all everyone criticises DH, he has given me a clear get out clause I guess it's me refusing to take it."
Of course he is in favour of you quitting your job!

You will then have absolutely no independence and he can sit back as King of the Castle. All money earned will be his, and just as he told you to do all the housework he will tell you it's his money so it's up to him what it gets spent on. The power balance is already way off-kilter in your marriage (accepting being told to do all the housework, ppfft!) and you not working just makes it worse. You may be too exhausted to see this, but I think you should have a long hard think about what his behaviour is pushing you into.

JassyRadlett · 15/01/2017 21:03

For all everyone criticises DH, he has given me a clear get out clause I guess it's me refusing to take it.

He's given himself a clear get-out clause. He gets to keep swanning about and checking out of the hard bits of family life and gets to stop feeling guilty that you're running yourself ragged doing his share as well as your own. What's not to like?

His other option is less palatable. He sorts his shit out, pulls up his socks and starts to do more at home. He stops going out with work colleagues as much, he makes sure the two of you have equal leisure time,he supports you in a rare role in a field you've said you enjoy, recognising that your long term happiness and fulfilment are actually more important than his short term comfort.

Saying 'if you don't like the way things are, there is only one path of change that I am willing to support' is shitty, unsupportive behaviour.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/01/2017 21:05

He wants you to stop working so that you can be even more of a domestic drudge than you already are, only this time with even more justification (in his mind) for him to be Lord Muck of Idle Hands at Home.

The very reason you should not give up work is because it will give this schmuck power he's not fit to have.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 15/01/2017 21:05

I have to agree that it sounds far more like you have a DH problem at the moment. He needs to pull his finger out unless there are real reasons (illness etc) that he can't. Him working more hours doesn't cut it as we have already established that you are not child free for most of your time 'off'.

ThisYearWillbeBetter · 15/01/2017 22:22

Christ, why are we going on about full time/part time? Even if OP were doing a defined 3 days a week her DH would still be being a twat by expecting her to do all the housework and wife work.

OP, it sounds like your DH thinks that because he earns more he gets a pass on housework, not because of the relative hours you both work

This!

Excellent post Jessy and wonderful advice.

DeadGood · 15/01/2017 23:11

OP I think you've had some fairly harsh responses on here.

I can completely understand why you are tired and I agree with you on many points. You've also been very patient in your responses.

BUT you haven't adequately addressed the problem with your partner. He needs to do more. The end. I agree with this:

"Saying 'if you don't like the way things are, there is only one path of change that I am willing to support' is shitty, unsupportive behaviour."

You keep saying "he's offering me a way out" but actually, there is another way out. You carry on doing the job you like, you get more time off from home duties (from your partner, and outside help) and still get to do the volunteering.

I'd also keep the pressure on at work to drop your hours. Good luck. Flowers

Brokenbiscuit · 15/01/2017 23:43

OP, I think you're exhausted because you're juggling a lot and you can't meet your DH's utterly unreasonable expectations. Please don't be pressured into giving up a job that you have worked hard to get and that you enjoy. If you desperately want to be a sahm for your own sake, then do it, but don't let him make you feel selfish for wanting to stay in work. He isn't offering to give up his job to make family life easier, is he?

I believe that you have posted about your situation before, haven't you, albeit under a different username?

seventhgonickname · 16/01/2017 00:52

You sound utterly ground down.You are,as far as I can see doing 2 full time jobs.Your husband does little and has evenings off for socialising and the gym while you care for the children(and however unsympathetic people sound we all know the grind looking after preschoolers can be).Your Oh is also pressurising you to give up work as the only option(he is willing to accept).
Because of your readers own experiences we are seeing different red flags or non,mine was right at the beginning when spoke about your voluntary work and feeling valued and it improving your self esteem.What I would be asking myself would be why am I not getting this from elsewhere or what has eroded it?
I can't tell you what to do but do ask yourself if any of that would really change if you gave up work?What if it didn't work for you?
A long shot but can you take a sabbatical,it would be unpaid so they may agree to it then you could test the water to see how it pans out.
Whatever you decide I really do hope it works for you because only if it is for you will your family benefit,if your doing it for your husband you may end up resenting it.ps not managing all that you have on your shoulders is not down to rubbish time management it's because your shoulders are not big enough for so much.

ThisYearWillbeBetter · 16/01/2017 09:13

OP I'm really sorry that the variety of points of view on this thread have been muddled up with a silly argument about whether you're part- or full-time. If you work in education (oh, even as a lowly TA), you inevitably work more than full-time.

I was once given some excellent advice about asking for opinions, views, and advice:

sometimes, it's not the content of the advice/opinions that is the useful thing for the asker - it;'s their instinctive response to it, particularly advice where your first response might "Oh no, I couldn't possibly do that!" -

and the stronger the response, the more important it is to explore why you have that response.

My advice would be for you to read some of the stories on the Relationships Board - their stories tell of experiences that a number of us have had or observed in our families - a woman who makes herself financially dependent on her husband - whatever the short term benefits might appear to be & however strong the marriage is now - a woman who is dependent is in a very vulnerable place.

And given the attitude your DH already has to really listening to and respecting your point of view, I see red flags in the distance.

Now, your response to that might be "My husband would never do that" ... REally?

Motheroffourdragons · 16/01/2017 09:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ to protect the privacy of the user.

SilentBatperson · 16/01/2017 09:51

Yep your DH is giving himself a get out clause OP. It isn't ok for him to insist you do all the housework alongside the majority of the childcare, and if you can't manage this it's your job or hobby that needs to go rather than him doing fuck all. It really isn't.

Also, you not having told us how old your youngest is even though you've been asked a lot of times makes me think they're probably not far off school or at least 15 free hours age. Ie the 3 years not 14 months end of things. It's obviously up to you what you disclose and you don't have to tell us, but if they are a bit older and will be in school in the next year or two, that would be more reason to hold out in this job that will suit brilliantly once they're in education. Forgive me if you did tell us and I just haven't noticed, but can't seem to see it if you have.

sj257 · 16/01/2017 12:05

I'd keep it. They are great hours.

rookiemere · 16/01/2017 17:52

Some of these responses remind me of that Monty Python sketch where they talk about how hard their lives are:
"Call that full time, I get up at 3am, do a short workout, then read to my DCs before heading off to work at 6am where I put in a 13 hr day before returning home and helping the DCs with their musical instruments. In the evening I darn socks as we're too poor to buy new pairs, then I go to bed at midnight once I've finished all the chores."

It's nor really relevant if we'd find the OP's balance of work/ childcare/ volunteering onerous or if we'd breeze through it whilst balancing plates on our head. Nor is it important if a government census would classify her as part time or full time What is important is that she is finding her current circumstances hard.

I'm not going to offer any solutions or thoughts as OP has had plenty, but I hope you find a solution that works for you.

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