To stop work

[hurtingbackachingheart]

I can never make my mind up, so quick thread to get other views.

Pros are, I like my job, it's school hours, it's worthwhile and it pays reasonably well.

Cons. Oh, the cons.

I'm not making a huge amount. In fact I make barely anything, due to nursery costs. This will change obviously.
I have other things I want to do ... I have got really into some voluntary work, and I could help out more there, I want to do some more voluntary work with animals but don't have time.
The house is a mess.
I have another interest I want to develop but really don't have time.

Any thoughts? I made a vague enquiring about PT but was essentially told NO.

And yy to what statistically says.

I see it on MN all the time - the whole 'when you're on your deathbed you won't wish you had spent more time at work'.

Maybe. But I would be willing to bet that lots of people could also look back on a life where they wish they had achieved more, regretted underachievement, etc, etc. And lots of people conveniently forget that in order to fulfill potential you actually have to put some effort in.

Hi op,
I think it really depends on what your job is and where you live. If you're a ta, I can't see why it would be so hard for you to find a job when you return. Tas are paid an absolute pittance for what they do. I can also see how you might be more tired in this job than an office job-working with big groups of children is both very intense and very similar to what you already do at home. Finally, I can see why in term time it might be hard to get stuff done because you're always working while the kids are in nursery so you never get a break from being with children all day. Perhaps you should be considering a career change instead. If you did a 3 day office job, you could sort the house out and have time for yourself while the kids were at nursery in the mornings. You wouldn't have the holidays but that wouldnt matter as much if you were only 3 days.

Ultimately OP it doesn't really matter what other families do. It's impossible to compare - everyone's home set-up is very different. DP and I both work full-time but we both work flexible hours so we manage childcare between us without any external support. And DP is very hands-on at home so housework is very much 50-50.

It's impossible to predict the future but if I were you I would try to think about how your life might look in 5 years' time, 10 years' time in your current job, in a different job with more traditional part-time hours or being at home full-time: which would work better for your family and work towards that.

Probably being at home full time, truthfully. Whether that's best for me as an individual is another question of course.

As you and a few others have said OP, (mostly written better than me), the issue is not that you are working part time as much as that you are getting no childfree time. Term time hours are like gold dust but there is still he issue that, for many years, you will have children with you most of the daytime when you are not at work.

Clearly I am domestically challenged but I have never found it easy to get stuff done around the house and disagree that because I am part time I have loads of time to do life admin, cleaning etc. My kids are a bit older so it's a bit easier now but when they were very small any tidying was undone immediately and 'getting stuff done' isn't the easiest with small children. Yes they can 'help'. That is fine if both partners divide chores when they have childfree time.

Surely it's worth at least checking if you can cut a day down as this might really improve things while keeping you in work. Even if this doesn't help in the short term, once they are in school or by paying for one extra childcare session now you will have some 'free' time. They don't have to grant a flexible working request but have to give you a good business reason to refuse it.

If course what you do is up to you and your family. I totally get it, unfortunately though hours and hours of free time may we'll be unrealistic with small DC but a few hours is much more achievable.

Must learn to proof read, sorry for typos!

OP you have in your head what you want to do. Your dh agreed with you. People on here have given you alternative ways of looking at it and you still want to do what you want to do.
Not much point carrying on with this thread is there? You are in a privalidged position of not needing to work, just be aware that's becoming far less the norm, and people's circumstances chance on a sixpence (mine did and life is still very difficult many years later). If you truly believe that the life style you hanker for is definitely that then do if and people can stop wasting their breath, but just remember once you've left that job you won't be able to walk back into it, whereas the volunteering would be glad to have you back on board

Thanks stressy

fos I typed a long reply but I don't want to argue.

No I didn't know what I wanted when I started the thread
No I still don't know what I want
But unlike yesterday when I was leaning towards staying I am now leaning towards leaving. I think sometimes you just have to accept stuff got how it is.

I've not RTFT but just wanted to say I understand about working school hours feeling like full time if you have young children... I now work the same number of hours over less days and I have feel like I have so much more time...

Thanks Beedoo

Can I just say though, full time or part time, it depends on the job. DH sometimes has a day off in the week if he's done four long days. He is definitely full time. He's always worked more hours than me in a physical sense (in that he's THERE more) but I have to say although he's always told me I should do the housework for this reason he has never said I am part time, unless I actually AM part time.

It's upset me, actually

OP, would you consider a career break of 1-2 years, as a compromise?
That would mean that you have a long-term option career-wise, but breathing space in the meantime.

I find MN in general to be very unsympathetic towards SAHM.

I work p/t with a long commute & a DH who works long hours/away. I have no family support & no down-time away from my DC. I have been at the end of my tether sometimes. I am counting the days until DD starts school in 18m, so I can have some time to myself.

I think it's also important to look at expectations; very few people have time for hobbies when working with DC, or are placed for giving up work.

I think you sound very ground-down, that your husband is being very hard on you, and that his expectations of a tidy house, childcare, etc when you are working almost f/t are completely unrealistic. He doesn't sound very supportive, almost like he's in a 1950's time warp - did his mother

Oops, posted too soon. I was wondering if his mother worked or not, and did everything at home?

Averaged over a year, once you account for the increased holidays you have for working in a school then you are part time - it's not a blooming insult it's just true! You're getting pissy at people for no good reason.

Most people get approx 6 weeks leave a year, I'd guess working in a school you get more like 12 or so (it would be 13 weeks here). Most folk would count 35 hours (or more) a week as full time. So, over the year a regular full timer would work 46 weeks at 35 hours - 1610
You work 40 weeks at 30 hours - 1200 a year, approximately 25% less.

As for your DH declaring that you should do the housework because you do fewer hours, that only works if those extra "free" hours are actually free. If you are looking after two children during them, or doing the nursery run, then they aren't really free. He clearly considers you as part time relative to him, whether he uses the words or not, and this is a fundamental part of the problem.

My DH is a childminder and my house looks like a bomb site at the end of the day when I come home, it drives me absolutely nuts. Don't bet on being able to do everything to his satisfaction when you're at home with kids because it's not that easy.

Thanks, MoreProsecco :) You're probably right and I should lower my expectations. It's more about meeting people and having a life beyond schools and nurseries and so on. It does irritate me that DH goes to the gym and yes I go too, but to take the children swimming or similar and he will happily go out with colleagues.

DHs mother did work, as far as I know, but it was always low paid work in factories and the like (not that there is anything wrong with that.) I know she worked at Boots once.

I'm getting pissy at people because I'm not part time. I'm banging my head against a brick wall here, I know, but it really is nothing to do with me whatsoever that schools aren't open for five weeks in summer, four weeks Christmas and Easter and three weeks for half terms. I do have SOME work to do in that time you know and spend them dreading going back and I really don't think I've got remotely pissy at people compared to some of the rude comments I've had flung at me.

I was meaning that your DH should lower his expectations of what you should do with your time; working, housework, shopping, cooking etc when you are almost f/t too.

I'm viewing these years as "grit my teeth & get through it", with as much of my sanity intact as possible. 😂

In all seriousness, buy "Wifework" & ask your husband to read it too.

Not read all comments but working school hours may seem like part time but it actually means having to sort kids before school get them to childcare go to work - very likely without a break as 6 hours often means no break- race back to get kids entertain kids make meals and because of the hours expectation will be to do majority of domestic stuff. When I worked a full day it was actually easier as just got kids up and straight out to childminder and picked them up after they had had tea so just came home and did baths, play etc...it's not an easy option and means no days off without children. Also no flexibility to take time off in term time. I'm considering going back to all year round 4 longer days to have the flexibility and some time without kids or work

Thank you, Thirty and Prosecco!

I genuinely apologise if I sounded pissy at any point but there is nothing more infuriating than being told you are somethings you are not!

Christ, why are we going on about full time/part time? Even if OP were doing a defined 3 days a week her DH would still be being a twat by expecting her to do all the housework and wife work.

OP, it sounds like your DH thinks that because he earns more he gets a pass on housework, not because of the relative hours you both work.

You do a five day week, with all the getting ready, drop offs, pick ups, commuting etc that comes with a day in the workplace. I work from home one day a week and it is fucking bliss compared to the other four.

So whatever free time both of you have after work and childcare is done (and I definitely count childcare for an under-4 as full time work) needs to be shared - and the jobs that need doing shared as well.

DH and I both work a five day week and have two kids now. It has taken us a while to figure out what works for us, so here are some tips from my experience:

• A cleaner doesn't solve anything but having one makes much more difference than I had anticipated. She is much more efficient and effective than I am - she will get done in 3 hours what would take me much longer in terms of faffing, stopping and starting, and just not being as good at it. She changes the beds and sometimes tidies the kids' rooms for us.

• We have put a bit of effort into stockpiling - using sales etc to get kids' clothes in the next size or two, and presents for the 'present cupboard' so it becomes one big job once a quarter rather than little and often, which is a total time suck.

• We've spent a bit of time making the kids' storage as low maintenance as possible. Everything gets chucked into a basket or container (containers with clip on lids as DS2 is 14 months and loves emptying things). It's pretty quick to chuck things back in their containers when finished with, and the result is pretty good.

• Laundry is a fucking fucker. There is a massive pile on my dining room table at the moment. This is one where I think little and often makes a difference - a load in as soon as you get home every day so it becomes a habit, and fold a load before bed so it never gets overwhelming.

• a standing slot for online groceries.

But al of this only really works if your DH is willing to pull his weight too. DH and I can knock over a tidying job three times faster than one of us working alone, and we have a nice matter about our days while we're doing it. If one of us is batch cooking and freezing portions, the other will be watching kids or doing another job. Down time is equal. Neither of us would dream of kicking back while the other rushed around doing 'their' jobs. Our house, our kids, our jobs.

Good luck. I can see how giving up work might be easier in the short term, but I think staying at work will be better in the long run, IYSWIM.

I'm assuming you're a teacher, OP. In which case, you are most definitely full time, regardless of your actual working hours. Teaching is a demanding, full-on job.

I am unclear from your posts as to whether you really want to quit your job, or whether it just seems like the easiest option to get your DH off your back. If the latter, please don't quit - there is a value in maintaining your financial independence.

If you are a teacher, and therefore you're genuinely working in a full time role, then I think it's very unfair that the housework all falls to you. Is your DH open to discussing this, or is it his way or the high way?

I can't help but feel that your situation sounds very familiar. Have you posted about this dilemma before, OP?

Are you a teacher? If that's the case you would often be in at 8am and out no early than 5pm, plus a load of planning and marking to do after work.

If you are a teacher as opposed to support staff it should be feasible to take a career break or give up your job for a year or two then get another teaching job. In the experience of friends, it's the TA positions and lunchtime supervisor jobs which are hard to come by. Apparently there are literally 100s of applications for each job. This is in London though.

You said earlier you liked your job then later said you had to do work in the holidays and dreaded going back.

Everyone dress going back after holidays no matter how much they like their job, I think.

*dreads

Frankly, if during term time you are spending most of your non-working time doing the lion's share of household jobs I don't blame you for dreading going back!

I like my job, but I love holidays. And being a working parent isn't (or shouldn't be) the same as being a working non-parent in terms of logistics and commitments outside work.