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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop work

374 replies

hurtingbackachingheart · 13/01/2017 16:10

I can never make my mind up, so quick thread to get other views.

Pros are, I like my job, it's school hours, it's worthwhile and it pays reasonably well.

Cons. Oh, the cons.

I'm not making a huge amount. In fact I make barely anything, due to nursery costs. This will change obviously.
I have other things I want to do ... I have got really into some voluntary work, and I could help out more there, I want to do some more voluntary work with animals but don't have time.
The house is a mess.
I have another interest I want to develop but really don't have time.

Any thoughts? I made a vague enquiring about PT but was essentially told NO.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 17:51

But he wouldn't. He doesn't want a cleaner because he doesn't want somebody going in and out of the house. I'm not really being given an ultimatum but the thing is I'm struggling to juggle everything and I feel like something has to give and the obvious choice is volunteering but that makes me Sad

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 14/01/2017 17:53

So instead of getting a cleaner, surely he can clean/tidy instead?

bloodyteenagers · 14/01/2017 17:59

I disagree with your obvious.
The obvious is him stepping up and doing some of the mundane house stuff.
He doesn't want to get a cleaner. He doesn't want to clean himself. He cannot have it both ways.
Why should you give up something and his doesn't change at all. Well apart from you playing the good little wife?

witsender · 14/01/2017 18:00

It's a classic around here, but he's your problem then. Either he helps, or if he is giving the responsibility to you, you can choose to delegate. If he isn't involved, it is none of his business.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 18:01

It's not just the housework, though.

The point is at the moment we have weekends, as a family. Those weekends are spent with some volunteer work, tidying, cleaning, sorting the garden, shopping and blah blah blah.

If I wasn't at work during the week I could do ALL the above PLUS more stuff and leave our weekends free to spend as a family.

When I put it like that he's right and me working is quite selfish.

OP posts:
witsender · 14/01/2017 18:04

Your working isn't selfish at all, you're sounding quite martyred. You have a very good work life balance. Very soon the kids will be at school. Get dh pulling his weight or get a cleaner to free up some weekend time, and do one shift a week volunteering.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 18:05

Lol, the cleaner really isn't the solution to end all solutions that some of you think it is!

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 14/01/2017 18:10

Shopping online.
Cleaning and gardening he pitches in.

So how comes it's you being selfish? He's not exactly helping is he? If the selfish card was being chucked around it would be firmly in his direction.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 18:13

Yes, you can shop online but somebody then needs new shoes / a coat / a birthday present.

If as some of you are insisting I'm part time its not exactly fair to insist he does the cleaning and gardening. He does bits anyway. But the point is everything is crammed into 2 days no matter who does it.

OP posts:
ThisYearWillbeBetter · 14/01/2017 18:23

DryIce that is a brilliant post - you set out the creep of "wifework." And then at 50, if the wife is set aside for younger model, or she gets bored & wants to enter the world outside the home - she finds that no-one values "wifework" - starting with the wife's husband, and the wife not far behind him.

It really isn't good for mental health, liberation, independence, for women to retreat so entirely from the world of paid work.

witsender · 14/01/2017 18:24

It all sounds very normal, and easy to adjust. However, you want to stop work. You just want everyone else to agree. Not many do, but if you disagree then do it!

TheSparrowhawk · 14/01/2017 18:24

Yes but two people doing it is quicker than one person doing it. You seem absolutely determined to see no solution to this problem.

Oly5 · 14/01/2017 18:24

I think not having a cleaner is madness!!! I'm sorry but your DH is selfish in my opinion.
We are in a similar situation to yours but we have a cleaner, somebody who does ironing and a jobs person as and when we need them. I also have a DH who pulls his weight.
What if your DH gets too ill to work?
What if he leaves you for somebody else?
I think not working puts women in a terribly vulnerable position should something happen.
It's not easy to find jobs - and ok paid jobs at that - once you've been out of employment

grobagsforever · 14/01/2017 18:30

Hi OP. Please listen to my story. I was widowed unexpectedly at 33, pregnant with DC2. Thankfully I has returnEd to work three days a week after DC1 and could up my days to 4 I returnEd to work.

Yes we had life insurance. But without my income life would be grim. We'd have to live very frugally and I'd be trapped in a house, alone with two DC 24/7. I would have been suicidal.

No, I thought it could never happen to me either. DH was fit and young.

So if you can gaurentee that divorce or widowhood isn't in your future then by all means give up your career.

FeralBeryl · 14/01/2017 18:32

I wouldn't leave work.
It is horrible squishing it all in I agree, but I think you would feel more pressure being at home - especially with the kids in the afternoons if you're already fed up with them Wink
Being a SAHM is shockingly hard work. The hour is a shithole because they follow you around messing up everything you tidy, they want lots of entertaining, you feel pressure to have everything done by the time your partner gets home. I also spent lots more money on activities and cake
I work around school hours mainly - and some evenings so I know it's hard. But I like the independence of still being a WAHM. I missed adult conversation and being constantly touched as a SAHM.
Add to that the people that ask 'but what do you do all day?
If I were you, I'd find one evening a week to be away from the house - do an evening session volunteering. This frees your weekends up still.
I'd be wary of being too available for all the house chores, it sounds like he would expect even more than you already do.
My DH works an average of 60 hours a week, some weekends, writing professional papers and uni work and still does his share. It can be done.

Jackiebrambles · 14/01/2017 18:33

It always seems to be men who don't want a cleaner 'coming into the house', yet they seem to be unable to clean themselves.

I work 4 days a week, Dh works 5. I have pre schoolers so my day 'off' is exactly the opposite. No way we wouldn't have a cleaner!

OliviaBenson · 14/01/2017 18:34

You want to give up work which would effectively make you a SAHM, yet you say you want to get away from the children?

Your DH sounds like a prick. Doesn't want a cleaner, yet won't do it himself?

You won't get chance to do all the lovely things you want to do. Your DH will ensure that you are home cleaning/child rearing. Mark my words.

SEsofty · 14/01/2017 18:50

Also, if you finish work at half three can't you do some of the chores after work eg birthday present buying, basic cleaning and in the summer gardening. ( I do most of my summer gardening from 7-9 in the evening after the children are in bed).

But agree with everyone else, you clearly want to stop work and are ignoring the various sensible suggestions and comments.

witsender · 14/01/2017 19:04

With the greatest of respect, how do you think most families manage? I mean that genuinely, not snarkily. Bar stopping work, what could you do to make life easier? I would get a weekly food delivery in a regular slot. A weekly take away. Either a cleaner or set up a routine that you both are involved in. Amazon prime for birthday presents etc. None of this has to be as hard as you are making it sound.

If money bothers you (you say you don't make much post childcare) then why would stopping work but keeping the childcare going make any sense at all?!

I would be wary of any man that doesn't pull his weight around the house and doesn't value your contribution or life outside of the house. Suggesting you stop work in order to pick up after him and that you are selfish to work and have a life?! Not cool.

Marmitepasta · 14/01/2017 19:10

I think op is getting a bit of a hard time here.
Really all it boils down to is what works for you and your family. If you are financially able to give up work and this is what both you and your ah want, then I think that is the best decision for you. Doesn't really matter what a load of randoms on the internet think, even if their advice can give you food for thought and allow you to think of the more long term pros and cons.
I work pt (2 1/2 days) even though every mother I know works full time (not U.K. Based). I don't care about anyone else's situation. It works for us. And I do the cleaning as dp works full time. Seems normal to me.

ThisYearWillbeBetter · 14/01/2017 19:36

If I wasn't at work during the week I could do ALL the above PLUS more stuff and leave our weekends free to spend as a family.

When I put it like that he's right and me working is quite selfish

But he's not being selfish? I really really don't think you're the selfish one here. At all.

Your posts - in their self-deprecation & almost negation of yourself (certainly you undervalue yourself) sound awfully like (in tone) to various threads on the Relationships Boards, where SAHMs are so beaten down by their "D"H's relentless devaluing of them and the work the SAHMs do at home. It's as if by leaving the outside market/workplace, the wives become invisible to their husbands as anything other than people who support their (DH's) life & ambitions. Making things "smoother" for your husband seems to involve you in all the sacrifice.

If your 'D'H thinks you're being selfish now when you're:

  • working full-time & presumably bringing in a f-t salary
  • doing most (if not all) of the domestic work
  • doing voluntary work

What happens when you stop bringing in a salary, and make everything "smooth" at home, but want some time to do stuff that doesn't enhance your DH's idea of a "smooth" family life? What happens when you want an identity independent of being a SAHM?

For me, reading the tone of your posts, there are pink (not-quite-red) flags in your DH's attitude already. What happens when you lose any outside independence given you by earning your own money?

I think that's why people are being quite tough on you (setting aside the silly spat over the definition of f-t work). Taking a pessimistic view from what you've said here, you could be sleep-walking into giving up any independence from a selfish husband.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 14/01/2017 19:36

Hi OP, I also think you are getting a hard time, although PP are right to point out the risks of giving up paid work. Just to clarify, when you are not at work are you looking after the children? As in, you never really get a day 'off'. Totally agree with PP in that a day looking after young children is not time 'off' in the true sense of the word!

If you are saying that during the week you have no time to yourself until the DC are in bed then I can completely see why you would like to change that if there is an opportunity. Before I am flamed, I do understand that that is the reality for many, many people. For the last year or so I have had one morning a week to myself. It has made an absolutely massive difference to my mood, household admin and to my health as I started exercising. DH does a clean once a week while I take DC out or occupy them.

Again as PP said, is there not a middle ground? To at least try to reduce to 3 or 4 days a week which in the future will give you school hours but also a day to yourself once DC at school?

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 14/01/2017 19:38

Actually I cross posted with ThisYear. Is a little concerning he doesn't want a cleaner but wants you to do it. DH doesn't want a cleaner (cost reasons mainly). So he cleans (I don't sit and relax while he does it but he does almost all proper cleaning). Otherwise we could get a cleaner.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 14/01/2017 19:40

A cleaner is a huge part of the solution for me anyway. Mine does three hours a week and is a whizz, so that's 3/4 hours, like a whole morning or afternoon on the weekend, which I then don't have to clean for. Of course you still have to do daily tidying and putting away which can be shared out, but having someone hoover the entire house, clean kitchen/bathroom, change bedding is a massive help. Basically, your husband would rather you clean than get someone else to clean, and be at home to 'smooth' things out, he sounds spectacularly unlikely to do more around the house, so getting a cleaner would actually free you up a bit whatever you do about work.

Marmitepasta · 14/01/2017 20:00

Why is everyone putting it all on the husband?
To me it sounds like op doesn't really want to work either; even if she does like her job, she feels like life would be more pleasant (for her and the rest of the family) if she didn't work. She'd have more time to do stuff around the house (which it sounds like she is happy to do) AND get more involved in her other interests just for her.
It sounds to me like she wouldn't want to do the total full time job that her husband does and is happy for him to take this role.
If they can do it financially and she would be happier not working I say go for it!! And it definitely sounds like that's what she'd like to do.