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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop work

374 replies

hurtingbackachingheart · 13/01/2017 16:10

I can never make my mind up, so quick thread to get other views.

Pros are, I like my job, it's school hours, it's worthwhile and it pays reasonably well.

Cons. Oh, the cons.

I'm not making a huge amount. In fact I make barely anything, due to nursery costs. This will change obviously.
I have other things I want to do ... I have got really into some voluntary work, and I could help out more there, I want to do some more voluntary work with animals but don't have time.
The house is a mess.
I have another interest I want to develop but really don't have time.

Any thoughts? I made a vague enquiring about PT but was essentially told NO.

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 14/01/2017 15:13

shop.irobot.co.uk/uk/roomba-vacuum-cleaning/?lang=en_GB&gclid=CL3LjPP1wdECFQZAGwod9lsHOw

There are lots of other brands now too. It hoovers while we are out Smile

Peanutandphoenix · 14/01/2017 15:22

if my husband had ever given the slightest indication he wasn't supportive of me then I wouldn't even think of doing it.

He's not being supportive though is he at all he wants you to give up work to cook and clean all day and you think there will be more hours in the day for you to spend volunteering I hate to break it to you but if you decide to be a stay at home mum don't bank on that "wonderful" lazy hard working Dh of yours to put money in the pot to keep lo in nursery because he won't he will expect lo to be at home with you if your not out earning then there's no need for her to be in a private nursery it may not seem like your making much now because your stumping up for nursery but you won't be doing that for much longer. Look at it this way you have a great child friendly pt job and you get the school holidays off thats a damn sight more than most working mums get so count yourself very lucky and be greatful to be doing the job that your doing. Stay in work because once you leave it will be extremely difficult for you to get back in to that kind of work once lo starts school also if you leave now you can kiss goodbye to any carer prospects and you will get less of a pension if you leave. I don't think you have a job problem I think you have a time management problem and a husband problem those are the 2 things that you need sort out and unless your volunteering will turn into a permanent job I think you should maybe think about giving it up instead of giving up paid work.

ricepolo · 14/01/2017 15:40

My goodness me, the man bashing which always goes on on these threads.....

Just because one partner in a relationship does more housework than the other because the other works longer hours, does not mean the relationship is abusive / the working partner is lazy / the other partner is being taken advantage of and should fight back to make things exactly 50:50!!

In a relationship you are a unit. So if one of you does 100% of the earning, then it makes sense you don't also do 100% of the housework. As long as each area of responsibility in your joint life comes to the full 100% it doesn't matter who does what.

DH earns a huge amount of money but he also works long hours and often travels lots. As a result for me to expect him to also do the housework and pick up the kids from school twice a week would be ridiculous: his job simply does not allow that (and anyone who disagrees and thinks he should just change things clearly does not understand how high level executive jobs work). This is not me being a pathetic little wifey, this is not him being a domineering, unsupportive husband. His salary pays the mortgage, the school fees and the bills. Him earning that amount is actually the most supportive thing for the family which he could possibly do. For him to change things so he did half of the housework/childcare etc would mean leaving his job and destroying our lifestyle.

Quit man bashing.
The work in each relationship does not always need to be evenly split.
Not every man who has a SAHW is secretly chuckling to themselves with glee about how easy it makes their life.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2017 15:45

rice she does 100% of the housework and works almost full-time. And appears to also volunteer and do the majority of the childcare. Her DH does 0% of the housework. Hardly 'man-bashing'. On the contrary, you sound like a misogynist who doesn't like women getting ideas above their station.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 14/01/2017 15:48

In a relationship you are a unit. So if one of you does 100% of the earning, then it makes sense you don't also do 100% of the housework. As long as each area of responsibility in your joint life comes to the full 100% it doesn't matter who does what.

What man bashing? Hmm

None of the above applies here. The husband does not do 100% of the earning but he certainly does 0% of the housework.

There isn't an equal division of labour, no matter how you look at it.

ItsThisOneThing · 14/01/2017 16:49

Not sure why you're getting such a hard time here OP! It's entirely your call. Sounds like you and your DH have discussed it and agreed it's financially feasible and will relieve some of the pressure. Yes there are downsides and you need to be aware of those before you make your final decision, but if you know what those are and are willing to accept those then you should do what is right for you. Don't be swayed by others opinions. You could always tell your employer that you understand if they can't reduce your hours but that would mean you'd have to resign (if you're at that point). They might find a way to make it work if part-time is preferable to losing you altogether.

As an aside, I've always been very career driven, and still am. However when my DS came along, a better work-life balance became much more of a priority for me and I dropped from 5 days to 4. Couldn't go back now!

ilovesooty · 14/01/2017 16:52

There's a bit of a difference between dropping to four days and resigning, thus losing your entire job and income.

ilovesooty · 14/01/2017 16:57

How do you equate "sounds like you and DH have discussed it" with my a husband who is pressuring me to resign?

ThisYearWillbeBetter · 14/01/2017 16:58

DH thinks it would all be smoother if someone was at home

Nice for him, having someone to take all the responsibilities of shared life!

I think you need to think about your future pension provision, your loss of skills by leaving the workforce altogether, and what might happen if your husband decides you're not exciting enough or whatever & replaces you with a newer model.

Sorry to sound harsh, but really - stepping aside from the workforce entirely is never in a woman's interests.

There may be other employers prepared for you to work p-time; there could be ways of buying in domestic support. Nursery fees are a family cost - they shouldn't chalked up against just your salary (I can never get my head around that way of looking at them).

The baby/toddler phase passes. In 3 or 4 years, what will you be doing? And what sort of a retirement and old age do you hope to have?

bloodyteenagers · 14/01/2017 17:05

Ok fast forward 5 years.
You have studied/volunteered/whatever and the baby is in full time education. You have done everything you need to do to get on a better career ladder.

However you are still in this situation. Tired. Over worked and with a dh who still isn't going to do a thing around the house and expecting you to do everything. You talk about entering the workplace and yet again he applies pressure for you to stay at home.

But I suppose to some on here it will be ok because they he discussed this. And she should just bow down to the mightiness of him being a man.

Op as for he won't like you getting a cleaner. Well he has two options. Stop being a lazy fucker or accept thay you are getting a cleaner that he pays for as part of his lazy fucker share.

dazzlingdeborahrose · 14/01/2017 17:13

Get a cleaner. Tough if hundred doesn't like it. I work 3 days a week and have cleaners on twice a week. Ironically, it was hubby who suggested the second weekly clean.

Next big big chuckit bucket in the children's rooms. Before bed they clear everything up and chuck it in the bucket. Get something similar for downstairs.

Then make a list of other chores outside of the cleaning. My hubby's laundry jobs are sock sorting and ensuring clean clothes are put away. I do most of the cooking so he clears and leads the dishwasher.

You need a plan not a resignation.

dazzlingdeborahrose · 14/01/2017 17:14

"Hundred"? "Husband"

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 17:19

It's the mess rather than muck, that's an issue round here really.

I am getting just a tiny bit fed up of the 'you're already part time' comments. No, I'm not. I finish a bit earlier than some of you. That's all.

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 14/01/2017 17:19

Of course dh would prefer you at home doing the housework and not moaning about being knackered all the time. Having young children is knackering full stop though that won't change! If you want more time to yourself then outsource some of the other things - childcare, cleaning, ironing, dog walking can all be done by others..

ilovesooty · 14/01/2017 17:22

No you're not part time. I certainly retract that.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 17:23

It's time without the children, really, which sounds awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 17:23

Thanks, ils, I didn't mean you Flowers

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 14/01/2017 17:23

I think the point that people are trying to make is that your work/life balance appears pretty good compared to most. If you simply want more time to do things other than working then be upfront about it - you won't get very far on here wanting people to feel sorry for your frankly pretty good circumstances.

TammySwansonxx · 14/01/2017 17:26

I'd normally say go for it, but school hours term time jobs are incredibly rare, and I reckon you'll appreciate it more when your kids are at school.

I'd honestly rough it out for a couple of years while they're toddlers, because the benefits will be huge.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 17:27

That would be fair if I'd ever said 'please feel sorry for me.' I haven't. The point is that when I'm not at work, I have a small child attached to me and much as I adore her I would sometimes like to be able to breathe a bit and do some things for me, cliche as that sounds, I don't have a lot of confidence and finding something I love, I'm good at and valued for (the volunteering) has been a huge boost. But unfortunately it's meant that things aren't working so well at home. So I'm kind of being given an ultimatum of sorts.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 14/01/2017 17:32

Does your husband ever look after the children while you do other things (things for fun I mean)?

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 14/01/2017 17:40

Yes, sometimes. It's fitting everything in.

OP posts:
TheSparrowhawk · 14/01/2017 17:41

Who are you being given an ultimatum by?

bloodyteenagers · 14/01/2017 17:47

But what if he turns round and says actually lo now has to come out of nursery? You aren't working so it's not needed. Considering his views on the cleaner this is a huge possibility.

bloodyteenagers · 14/01/2017 17:48

The question shouldn't be does he entertain his children it should be so what does he
So at the weekends to contribute to the running of his home