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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop work

374 replies

hurtingbackachingheart · 13/01/2017 16:10

I can never make my mind up, so quick thread to get other views.

Pros are, I like my job, it's school hours, it's worthwhile and it pays reasonably well.

Cons. Oh, the cons.

I'm not making a huge amount. In fact I make barely anything, due to nursery costs. This will change obviously.
I have other things I want to do ... I have got really into some voluntary work, and I could help out more there, I want to do some more voluntary work with animals but don't have time.
The house is a mess.
I have another interest I want to develop but really don't have time.

Any thoughts? I made a vague enquiring about PT but was essentially told NO.

OP posts:
Carnabyqueen · 15/01/2017 17:59

You just don't want to work do you? That's the bottom line. Why are thinking along the lines of quitting work forever? My children are in juniors now and after school I have loads of time to do what I like. Children don't need evening to be activity filled. Just be honest. You want to stop working so stop. The excuses about housework are wearing a bit thin. It WILL get considerably easier when your kids are n full time education but you just don't want to know do you?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2017 18:03

Care to comment on what you feel about your husband telling you to do all the housework, OP?

bloodyteenagers · 15/01/2017 18:04

Extra curricular you would be surprised how many children opt to not do any.
Parties are usually at weekends and not every weekend. As they grow and social groups formed you go from invite from everyone to a select few. And eventually they take themselves.
Play dates you fit them in to suit you. Some you pick up after school parent collects from you. Others they pick up. These taper off and change how they operate. You can also opt out.
But you can also opt out of all the above. None of it is compulsory.

What doesn't change and that is always there is the attitude of a husband who doesn't do his share.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 18:04

It's only housework. It's not a biggie.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/01/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rattusn · 15/01/2017 18:09

Op you already work part time. You are very fortunate.

If you want to give up work completely then go for it, but I don't see the need for this thread, or the 'woe is me' attitude.

If your house is always a mess then get a cleaner.

JassyRadlett · 15/01/2017 18:09

Well, it is, because it's part of what's trapping you into giving up a good job that works with having kids in the long term because you feel so stressed and pressured into being all things to all people.

It obviously is a biggie, because it's been a running theme of your posts on here.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 18:10

No, I'm not at all Terry, but i don't know what people want me to say. The housework isn't the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 18:10

If one more person tells me I work part time, I will cry!

OP posts:
GrubbyWindows · 15/01/2017 18:11

hurting I think the key problem is that you have v little discretionary time, neither at work nor in charge of children.
If the volunteering keeps you going then of course you should keep it up!
Have you and your DH considered him cutting down hours? Say finishing in time for nursery pickup twice a week, giving you two chunks of time for volunteering, and him two chunks of time as parent in charge? Apart from you gaining some time, this would shift his mindset if he is taking on some regular mundane parenting- including the washing, cooking, playing and shouting.

I could not share a relationship with someone who is not willing to take on a solid share of housework and childcare. I'm stunned by how few women seem to feel like that though, and only you know how much you mind.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 15/01/2017 18:13

Thanks for the welcome Smile. I might lurk more than post but am hoping it will make me a bit more organised for Christmas.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 15/01/2017 18:13

So sorry OP, completely wrong thread. Hope you find a solution that fits all of you soon Flowers.

JassyRadlett · 15/01/2017 18:17

The housework isn't the problem.

No, it's a symptom of a very unequal division of labour in your marriage. You sound utterly miserable, and I don't blame you.

witsender · 15/01/2017 18:26

Which is it? Is the housework a biggie or no? Cause earlier in the thread it sounded like something that you had on the list of stuff that took your headspace. But now it isn't a biggie?

Look. You want to give up work. You have dismissed every single post from people who have been there and done that, with older kids, full time work/no work and all variants in between. You are also ducking the fair number of posters querying your husband's attitude.

So what do you want from this thread? Work, don't work, it's up to you.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 18:35

I really haven't, wits, but there aren't really any workable solutions, is the problem. Cleaned keeps coming up time and again which is great but the house needs to be tidy(ish) before a cleaner can, well, clean it!

OP posts:
MoreProseccoNow · 15/01/2017 18:41

When we could afford a cleaner, yes you had to clean before they came, so I had a fortnightly clean as I couldn't face tidying up more often.

It forced DP to clean up his shit once a fortnight - a small price to pay. It was such a great feeling coming home to a clean house that I hadn't done. And yes, it took a couple of hours the night before. But they cleaned for 3 hours, which I would never had the time to do.

bloodyteenagers · 15/01/2017 18:42

People are telling you it's part time because 31.5 hours is considered by the government as part time.
From working out your hours taking out 2.5 hours a week lunch break which is standard I realize I don't work similar hours to you as I stated earlier. I work more lol.

So what do you want from this thread.
You said earlier it's about housework now it's not. Hence the suggestions of a cleaner and kicking his arse into gear.
You say it's about him pressuring you to quit but it's not.
It's about the lack of time for you to swan about, but it's not because you would have the child more.
It's about having more time to volunteer but it's not because you wouldn't have the time.
Your money covers the nursery, child would stay in nursery and that would be fine. So form this finances are not equal in your household along with everything else.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 18:51

The problem is bloody, you are treating all of those things as if they are entirely separate and they aren't.

But maybe you are right and I'm just rubbish. Well, possible. But I'm still rubbish.

OP posts:
bloodyteenagers · 15/01/2017 18:53

They are entirely separate. They are no daily activities. Some will be once a month or less.
Everyday doesn't include a child doing an activity, going on a play date, going to a birthday party etc.
If they are then more fool you and you also need to tell the child no.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 18:56

Do you think, bloody, I could politely ask you to leave it there.

I appreciate your input but clearly you don't think highly of me, that's fine, I don't think particularly highly of myself, but all the same, I think I've been taken to the end of my limits with the dismissive tone to your posts.

I am not part time. It is not my fault schools have relatively short working days. I have no one at all to help (yes, I know every other mum on Mumsnet is the same but in real life my friends have support networks and still find it hard going) and I just feel a bit wiped out with everything right now. I'm sorry if that frustrates some of you who do a lot more.

OP posts:
Flowerpower321 · 15/01/2017 18:59

I assume you are support staff in a school as teachers do not go in at 9 and leave at 3.15. If so are you something like HR or a secretary which could be done over four longer days giving you a day off per week or are you classroom based in which case you will need to be there at the same time as the kids? Even if you are classroom based you won't lose anything by asking for four days- someone out there will want a day per week hours.

I used to work 28 hours per week term time and it didn't feel like part time as I had the kids before and after so no time on my own. I now do 35 hours and the 28 seems very part time! Could you change the hours a little and do 8-2.15 then have an hour per day on your own before you get the kids? Even if it's a small block it might help you feel less frazzled? Agree with everyone that says buy as much as possible online and get a cleaner- it makes a huge difference!

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 19:00

I don't go in at 9 either. Some teachers do. It depends.

OP posts:
MoreProseccoNow · 15/01/2017 19:02

Ps Handy Tip: never post in AIBU.

You'll get told YABU, no matter what you ask.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 19:03

True, that :)

OP posts:
witsender · 15/01/2017 19:05

Darling girl. You do not need our permission to stop work, nor our validation. You find life hard. You have the means to ease up on yourself, if you trust your husband and his motivations then do it. Don't let opinions on here make you question your self worth, you are not anywhere near rubbish.

Life with small kids is relentless. Mind numbing sometimes. Do what you have to do to be happy. Just don't get stuck doing all the wifework. Your volunteering is a hugely valuable service to the community, so don't be made to feel bad for valuing it.