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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop work

374 replies

hurtingbackachingheart · 13/01/2017 16:10

I can never make my mind up, so quick thread to get other views.

Pros are, I like my job, it's school hours, it's worthwhile and it pays reasonably well.

Cons. Oh, the cons.

I'm not making a huge amount. In fact I make barely anything, due to nursery costs. This will change obviously.
I have other things I want to do ... I have got really into some voluntary work, and I could help out more there, I want to do some more voluntary work with animals but don't have time.
The house is a mess.
I have another interest I want to develop but really don't have time.

Any thoughts? I made a vague enquiring about PT but was essentially told NO.

OP posts:
AppleAndBlackberry · 15/01/2017 13:22

I don't know why so many people are against this, it sounds like you can afford it and you'd all be happier. Plus the Samaritans work might lead on to something else you'd rather do as a career in the future (support work, counselling?). You have pre-school aged children, of course you're struggling to get things done around the house when you work every day and DH doesn't help much.

Carnabyqueen · 15/01/2017 13:22

Not everyone dreads going back to work. I start to look forward to it towards the end of holidays.

Pumpkintopf · 15/01/2017 14:07

You could at least put forward a formal request for three days or four days a week-what do you have to lose?

manicinsomniac · 15/01/2017 14:13

Of course OP is full time - her contract states it and the job is not there to be done when she isn't doing it so nobody does the other 'part' of the time. She also probably doesn't get paid for the holidays so they don't count as non hours.

I work 70+ hours a week in term time. But it's term time only - doesn't make me part time, does it? (certainly doesn't feel like it!)

OP, as you love volunteering with the Samaritans and I'm leaning towards thinking you are some kind of school counsellor/nurse/pastoral mentor (unless office staff are 'reasonably well paid' which I don't think they are?) then how about retraining as a counsellor? You could keep your job until qualified, study in the school holidays then, once qualified and all kids in school, you could set your own hours, as many or as few as you like, and see clients at times that work for you.

Might be a way of combining your passions and skills with giving yourself more family and 'stuff' time. All without losing your financial independence.

As it stands, I think quitting your job would be crazy. But then I rarely think SAHMing long term is a good idea.

Carnabyqueen · 15/01/2017 14:49

I was a SAHM until my kids started school. I hated it TBH. Every day was like Groundhog Day, the mess, the tedium of repetitive boring jobs needing doing over and over again. It took me till my youngest was 5 and in year 1 to find a job. Am so glad I did as I was becoming really depressed. You are lucky you can afford to give up work but I still feel your plans to leave and do voluntary work instead are a bit short sighted. Jobs around children really are so difficult to find and are massively sought after. So are you a teacher?

MoreProseccoNow · 15/01/2017 14:55

Yes, Carnabyqueen - the Domestic Drudgery. I was drowning in it whilst on maternity leave. So overwhelming.

IncidentalAnarchist · 15/01/2017 15:16

How is working reduced hours, term time only, NOT part-time?!

StatisticallyChallenged · 15/01/2017 15:18

If OP is a teacher then that is full time because there is no teacher who doesn't do additional hours in the evening/after school. I assumed she wasn't because I've never met a teacher who would describe themselves as only working school hours!

the job is not there to be done when she isn't doing it so nobody does the other 'part' of the time makes no sense. I employ staff, our business is open particular hours so they work an average of 25 hours a week. They are very definitely part time, the fact they're there for all of our opening hours doesn't make them full time!

But the problem is not the hours, but the fact her DH refuses to contribute to his fair share of the domestic drudgery. Two people can work FT and manage just fine if they both pull their weight. He doesn't pull his weight though. No way in hell would I give up work to be totally dependent on a man who had the attitude the OP suggests. Hell no.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/01/2017 15:36

Your DH sounds like a peach Hmm

The little drip feeds make me think that his sexism and expectations are the issue. Do what you like but bear in mind if you are doing all the drudgery, working or not, your children are seeing that. And his attitude to women.

JassyRadlett · 15/01/2017 15:39

You have pre-school aged children, of course you're struggling to get things done around the house when you work every day and DH doesn't help much.

I just don't buy that the automatic solution to a DH who is behaving like an entitled spoilt twat is to enable the twattish behaviour by giving up work, rather than expecting the DH to act less like a twat.

BackforGood · 15/01/2017 15:46

Everyone I know with preschool (and even primary school) children with no family around have one parent working part time as a bare minimum.

That tends to be because you have a skewed sample, as the only ones you meet are obviously the ones who aren't at work, when you are out and about with the children.

OP has stated her working ours not far from the top of the thread. If there is no break (illegal) then she does a 6 1/2 hour day. If there's a 1/2 hr break in there, then she does a 6 hour day, (30 hrs or 32.5hrs pw) so although we can see it doesn't feel very part time, technically that has got to be classed as a part time job as it's less than the 7 1/2 hours / 37.5 hours that are seen as a FT job. Obviously if you are out of the house every day, and then full on dealing with your tired dc as soon as you get out of work, it feels full on.

However, the time until your dc in school will go in a flash, and, at that point you will be eternally grateful for your term time only, school hours only role. Honestly, You will.
Give yourself a break, take up the volunteering in a couple of years when your little one is a bit older and you are more into routine, but don't give up a job with perfect hours for a working parent.

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/01/2017 15:52

Stay in work purely to frustrate your lazy dipshit of a husband.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 16:23

I really don't want to stop volunteering but maybe I should... Thanks, I'll have a think.

OP posts:
smu06set · 15/01/2017 16:28

OP I just wanted to jump in to say I am having a similar debate with myself. I could stop working, my husband earns enough to support us. Ive worked since my 10year old was born, and I just feel I have missed so much and now he has been diagnosed autistic I want to be there more for him. Difference is my job is full time (as in out of the house until 6pm each day). But I would lose pension, and what would I do if I wanted to go back in to work? So just wanted to say i sympathise with you.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2017 16:32

"Can I just say though, full time or part time, it depends on the job. DH sometimes has a day off in the week if he's done four long days. He is definitely full time. He's always worked more hours than me in a physical sense (in that he's THERE more) but I have to say although he's always told me I should do the housework for this reason he has never said I am part time, unless I actually AM part time."
This is what I can't get my head around. You are trying to fit a lot into the 24 hours in the day. I get that you want to continue with the volunteering. What I don't get is that when trying to shoehorn everything in, you look to cut the hours working rather than the hours of domestic chores. Your husband tells you you should do the housework? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Stop looking to cut your hours at work. Start looking at cutting your hours on household duties which should be SHARED with the other adult in the household.

TheSparrowhawk · 15/01/2017 16:38

OP your husband is clearly a dickhead but you're not willing to face up to that right now. So, quit your job and then pick up the pieces in ten years' time having wasted a significant proportion of your life with someone who sees you as a servant. Lots of women do it.

megletthesecond · 15/01/2017 16:48

Don't give up work. You don't have a life / work balance problem, your DH has an old fashioned attitude problem. My xp had one so I know how hard it is to get then to realise they need to buck their ideas up.

You've got the Holy Grail of jobs working term time. Please hang onto it until your dc's are both settled at school. I appreciate it's hard but it won't be forever.

I'm a lp and work three days a week. I hate it. But I have a pension and a mortgage, it'll pay off in the long term.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 17:03

It will be forever though, in a way.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2017 17:24

"It will be forever though, in a way."
How?

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 17:26

Well - I'm always going to have children and obviously they will get more independent but it's still going to be full on. Anyway. :)

OP posts:
MoreProseccoNow · 15/01/2017 17:34

It does get easier, very much so, when they're school age. It's just hard to imagine that when you're in the trenches of toddlerdom.

You sound very overwhelmed. Have you been screened for depression? Maybe complete in of the online screening forms e.g. nHS choices?

JassyRadlett · 15/01/2017 17:43

Well - I'm always going to have children and obviously they will get more independent but it's still going to be full on. Anyway

Don't underestimate how quickly they become pretty independent. Since DS1 started school he is pretty self-sustaining a lot of the time and so much easier. We chat while I fold laundry, he likes to help with cooking, he potters in the garden while I'm pruning things. I love half term when we leave DS2 in nursery and just hang out together. It is so much less full on that it's crazy.

The 'forever' you are stuck with is your DH. What are the chances he will change to respect you more?

rookiemere · 15/01/2017 17:43

I think you've had a bit of a hard ride here OP from some of the posters.

It is hard when they are pre-school age. I remember that particular brand of relentless Groundhog days where I'd get up, wrangle DS to CMs work slightly reduced days, pick up DS, try to entertain DS whilst making dinner/doing housework. I found it difficult and due to a health condition almost ended up jacking in my job when DS was about 4.

I didn't though. I reduced my hours slightly and my responsibilities and unfortunately my salary, but kept myself in the world of work. It gets a lot easier once they are in school and not having to figure out cover for the summer holidays is an absolute bonus for you.

I'd try to keep going if I were you. Definitely see what you can do on the hours. I don't want to cover old ground as I did skim read the thread, but is it possible to do 3-4 longer days rather than 5 shorter ones?

Also and I hate to say it, it does seem a bit indulgent to give up a paid job so you can focus on volunteering, unless that leads to your future career. Far easier surely to park the volunteering just for a year to give you some breathing space then take it from there.

And yes outsource as much as you can. Get a recommendation and hire a cleaner - yes they don't declutter or tidy, but gets rid of a lot of the relentless grunt work of which you'll have a lot already with toddlers. It's so lovely coming home to a nice shiny house once a week without expending any effort on it myself. Just think if you gave up work you'd need to do more housework Wink and if that's not your thing, then it's never going to be your thing.

BackforGood · 15/01/2017 17:48

Well - I'm always going to have children and obviously they will get more independent but it's still going to be full on.

Yes, but very soon they will be able

to dress themselves
to play more independently of you
to do up their own seatbelts in the car
to bath themselves
to brush their own hair
to put away their own clean washing until they become teenagers when they lose this skill

etc., etc.,

then you will feel under a bit less pressure.

Original poster
hurtingbackachingheart · 15/01/2017 17:52

I understand that, but also extra curricular activities, friends, parties, social lives. It might change but still relentless ish.

OP posts: