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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a menu Bridezilla?

160 replies

ThePlanningOhGodThePlanning · 13/01/2017 15:20

Advice please.
Wedding reception for about 110 people.
Venue have asked us to choose the following
A main set 3 course meal (which include meat or fish)
A set vegetarian alternative
A set children's alternative (there are about 8 children under 10 being invited)

They will also accommodate other essential requirements like gluten free / vegan.
We need to know what people want in advance.
We want to ensure that people's ethical or medical food requirements are met, but we don't half the guests going "off piste" cos they're "not keen" on something. Leave it to the side then!

We plan to put an insert in with the main invitation re food choices.

What we WANT to write is....
Listen up people!
There is a set menu for the carnivores. Please stick to it.
There is a set menu for the vegetarians. Please stick to it.
There is a set menu for the children, if little Jimmy doesn't like chicken and chips, there is a Macdonald's by the roundabout at the M69 junction.
Please don't ask me to mess with the menu for over a hundred people cos you've decided to go Low Carb for this one week, but you will be living on bread and pizza until then.
But if you genuinely have Coeliac disease, of course I will order a gluten free menu for you because the last thing I want to do is wipe out your intestinal Villi for the next six months

Obviously, I won't write that. But I need to get that across in a much more polite and socially acceptable way.

It's a second wedding so I am of the generation where you ate what you were given and left anything you didn't like on the side of the plate.

Any suggestions for wordings that you have used that have helped you avoid Menu Option Hell

Many thanks from a Bridezilla in waiting

OP posts:
kissingJustForPractice · 14/01/2017 00:42

I'm not sure what the problem is, really, why not just let people choose from your selections? We sent the menu options out with invitations and asked people to specify their preferred starter, main and pudding, I think we had three or four choices for each and about the same for the kids (but only two courses and some of the kids chose an adult pudding!) I'm a bit of a foodie though, so it was really important to me that everyone really enjoyed their meal. It wasn't hard to keep track of it all in a spreadsheet, organised by table, that went to the venue (but there were only about 65 of us). I also printed out people's menu choices on the back of their place cards - it was a bit of a DIY wedding!

Aspiringcatlady · 14/01/2017 02:07

We also had to pick out meals when we got married last year, we gave out the list of options and put a section saying 'dietary requirements' had the odd person who would say "no cucumber" or "I don't like carrots" which I just ignored when it came to writing the meal plan out for the venue. Like you said, if it's a genuine reason then of course you should listen to and make sure that the person is ok to eat the meal, if it just people being picky then can pick it out and leave it on the side. Weddings are stressful you shouldn't have to be dealing with people being awkward.

6o6o842 · 14/01/2017 04:43

As long as what you're offering is pretty mainstream type food, I'd ask for guests to advise any food allergies and leave it at that. I say 'mainstream' because I went to a wedding once when I was 8 months pregnant and every single piece of food offered was raw...raw meat, raw veggies, raw desserts made on raw egg. I couldn't eat anything and had to ask the kitchen to cook me something...anything, as long as it was cooked! I had totally not expected the rawness of everything on offer.

MissVictoria · 14/01/2017 05:42

I'm really fussy about fat and gristle in meat and don't like non breast meat from chicken so unless the meat dish was specified as chicken breast meat i'd just go with the veggie dish. Wouldn't ever cross my mind to question you what cut of meat etc anything was, i'd just tick the safe option. I'm intolerant to peanut butter (assuming its the oil) but wouldn't occur to me to mark it as an allergy in case something was cooked in it.

HermioneWoozle · 14/01/2017 05:47

Don't give them options! You choose the menus. You just ask for any dietary requirements in the invitations and ask the venue to accommodate them. If they just don't like the food on the day - tough.

BusyBeez99 · 14/01/2017 07:15

Never been told a menu for a wedding in advance. I just don't eat it if I don't like it which is usually the main course as I don't like red meat at all.

I would love to know a menu in advance then I could choose the veggie option

Our wedding we went to an Italian restaurant and people could choose from three starter and mains and then anything off the pudding menu.

SouthWindsWesterly · 14/01/2017 07:27

I had a vegetarian at mine who doesn't like vegetables. They got the cheese plate with crackers.

MrsHathaway · 14/01/2017 09:07

You need to add something like "even if you think we already know" - in the spreadsheet stage it's useful to have it explicit.

And also avoids the situation where your cousin assumes you know she's vegetarian and you had no idea.

Raggydolly3 · 14/01/2017 09:52

I would not dream of being fussy at a wedding (of course allergies and food intolerances aside)
I was a bridesmaid at a wedding a year ago and the meal was lamb which I hate so I just discretely put the lamb on my husbands plate and ate the veg. I knew it was lamb before hand so bad a very good breakfast and tucked in to the evenjng buffet but would not have dreamed of putting anything on the dietary requirement box on the invitation

Raggydolly3 · 14/01/2017 09:54

Wow what does she actually eat southwinds?

GreenTureen · 14/01/2017 09:54

The only suggestion I have op is please don't 'enforce' the children's menu, and please give dc a choice of both...they're guests too.

Ds2 is 6 and happy enough to eat the inevitible nuggets/fishfingers and chips at weddings from the kids menu.

Ds1 is 8 but the size of an 11 year old and he not only has an almost adult-sized appetite but he loves good food. We've been to three weddings this year where he's had to have a child sized portion of nuggets and chips whilst dh and I have been served steak/salmon/chicken in sauce.

It completely ruins the meal for him (as it would for me if someone made me eat bloody nuggets and those around me were chomping steak) and ends in dh and I giving ds1 half of our meal each and eating half of his bloody nuggets each.

I've seen other parents doing this at weddings for some dc too...it's a real bugbear of mind that so many restaurants/venues serve top quality food for adults and expect kids to be happy eating deep fried crap.

MrsHathaway · 14/01/2017 09:59

I'm reminded that a couple of people told us "fussy" requirements but it was easy to accommodate so we did.

Eg a couple of people said they didn't like fish. We were having a smoked salmon starter so we simply marked them down for the vegetarian starter instead. Made no difference to the difficulty for the chefs.

I'll also say that they were brilliant at making the allergy version of things look as similar as possible to the standard - from memory the strawberries and cream in brandy snap baskets became strawberries and cream in spun sugar basket for coeliac friend. You can feel very conspicuous as the only one eating a special meal, but when it's discreetly managed you're slightly protected from impertinent remarks from drunk strangers!

MrsHathaway · 14/01/2017 10:04

Also re children's menu - it needs to have the same number of courses as the adults' food.

We went to an otherwise excellent wedding where the adults' starter was served but nothing arrived for the children. Their main arrived fractionally before ours, and no pudding arrived for them at all because it was biscuits and chocolates in the party bag thing.

Well of course my children had eaten the "pudding" as soon as they'd sat down, then shared our starters with us, and our puddings as well.

All it would have taken was a note on the party bag to say it included the pudding, and maybe some crudités or bread sticks while the adults had their starters. But as it stood, with staggered courses and no information, it was very difficult.

LunaLoveg00d · 14/01/2017 10:16

Having thoughht about this it's really quite simple. You accommodate the "cannot eat for religious, moral or medical reasons" but pay no attention to the "don't likes".

I will eat practically anything but my two dislikes are lamb and goats cheese. Went to a wedding once which had a goats cheese starter and lamb main course... didn't make a fuss about it, filled up on bread, ate DH's potatoes and he had my lamb, had probably more than my fair share at the evening buffet.

I cannot believe people are so selfish that they'd expect you to cater for a "don't like fish" or "don;t like tomatoes" request - when did people become so RUDE??

HeCantBeSerious · 14/01/2017 10:16

This is why I usually take my own food to weddings. I'm veggie, don't eat carbs and am allergic to tomatoes. I don't expect anyone to be able to accommodate that so I offer to take my own, where appropriate. Where it isn't I take it and have it after the meal I invariably can't eat.

We asked about dietary requirements. Nobody in DH's family mentioned anything. (We shared the proposed menu with PIL). On the day DH's grandfather announced (as it was set down in front of him) that he didn't eat chicken. Hmm. The kitchen dealt with it and made him an omelette. Grin

ArseyTussle · 14/01/2017 10:19

A friend of mine sent out invitations with the menu on for people to choose from and it unleashed a torrent of 'no mushrooms', 'can I have chips instead' type requests.

Deffo go for meat/veg/GF only.

BackforGood · 14/01/2017 19:21

Exactly LunaLove - the way I was brought up, it's incredibly rude. However you only have to read these threads (and I love a good MN wedding thread Grin) to see just how incredibly entitled so many people are.

robinofsherwood · 14/01/2017 19:35

Why do people assume intolerances are unimportant. Im not cealiac but I am intolerant to gluten. Eating it wont kill me but it does mean I'll spend the next 24 hours in severe pain with alternate (and sometimes simultaneous) diareah and vomiting. But sure, Im just being fussy

BackforGood · 14/01/2017 20:09

Don't think anyone is saying that Robin - that would come under 'let us know of any dietary requirements' as obviously no-one wants to see you poorly, then it is a 'dietary requirement'. People are talking about the "I don't like...." brigade.

thenewaveragebear1983 · 14/01/2017 20:17

The only reply we got regarding dietary choices with our RSVPs was that 'Sarah is vegetarian, but she also doesn't like mushrooms or cheese'.
Well, let's just say, Sarah was hungry.

I think it's fine to have a meat, veg and kids menu chosen by you. If anyone has special dietary needs then the caterers will accommodate, usually by omitting sauces etc (for gluten free) or having melon as a starter instead of something else. If someone just doesn't like something then, as they would have to do anywhere they got given a free meal, they'll just have to eat round it or swap it with their partner at the table.

honeyroar · 14/01/2017 20:25

I wouldn't ask for dietary requirements, it's just asking for fussy people to go crazy! Just say please choose from veg/non veg/ children's meal and let us know if you have any food allergies.

RubyWinterstorm · 14/01/2017 20:30

It's a thing now, to be faddy about food, people like to assert their individual uniquess through what they eat....

So just ask for "any dietary requirements" and take the vegetarian/glutenfree/nutfree ones on board.

Anyone who " doesn't really like salmon" or "preferably no tomatoes" can get fucked Wink

user1484317265 · 14/01/2017 20:48

Why do people assume intolerances are unimportant

Mainly because a lot of the people who claim to have them don't. And science says some of them don't even exist.

Allthewaves · 14/01/2017 22:07

i think it's great that you want to email what the food is going to be. Quite often people take the vegetation option at wedding because they think it looks nicer (even though they havnt ordered it)

GloveBug · 15/01/2017 01:57

If you ask for dietary requirements you're opening yourself up to requests from fussy eaters or those who've decided they're going gluten/dairy/whatever free that week. Anyone with a medical or ethical need will let you know about it. We sent out menu options with our invites which included 3 dish options per course. No one came back with any fussy requests. They just all selected an option (1 or 2 genuine dietary requirements were given, but that's fine). I really think a set menu list is better than an opened ended dietary requirements question