to not want to give ex access with DC

[EmilyRosanne]

We have been officially separated a few weeks and although I instigated a break to think, he ultimately ended it.
We have two DCs, one 5 and one 6 months. The eldest adores dad and I don't have concerns about contact, however with the baby things are more complicated as DC was born with a severe condition limiting the life expectancy to an average of 20/30 although it is common for much younger children to lose their battles. Much of keeping the baby healthy involves rigorous therapy and medication, all of which I have administered since birth and ex has played a very small role (I'd ask him to give DC medicine but I would need to draw up syringes etc.) and knows very little about what DC truly needs to keep healthy. I am also still breastfeeding and DC will not take much expressed milk from a bottle which is another concern as putting on enough weight is also crucial to keeping DC healthy and I also am unable to pump very much at times (ex says he will get formula and is not listening to me that breast milk is better for her with the antibodies etc.)

I am reluctant to give contact to ex with the baby as I have never left them alone before and the baby will not settle for any one but me and screams after about 5 minutes of being held by ex. I am also worried he may forget medication or take the baby somewhere too risky for the condition (there are lots of places deemed too high a risk). I also feel devastated at giving up time with the baby not knowing what the future holds.

We started off still doing things as a family but it seems he is trying to date again and this has changed his attitude towards me, he sends me vile texts blaming everything on me, I've ruined the children's lives etc. and I don't feel comfortable spending time the 4 of us anymore let alone the damage it might do for our eldest to see us at each others throats. He is now threatening court to be given unsupervised access as he 'can't stand me' to spend any time with me while eldest is at school with baby.

What do I do??

He hasn't been given the opportunity to learn is the point mrsdusty. OP wants to block access without even trying.

I didn't need him to do it, he wanted to. She had some extra health issues (all in the past now), and he felt he needed to be there, just as I did.

Yep, she's our pfb. For health reasons, our pob.

It's insulting to all the decent men and fathers out there to suggest they need a woman enabling to do a job that's meant to come natural to a female.

This isn't about basic parenting, it's the especially difficult nature of the daughter's condition. The OP has said she has no concerns about him as a father to their eldest.

I married one of those great men and fathers. As he was unable to come to a lot of the appointments, he usually had a little less insight into our son's condition. As he had less practice, he was less adept at giving a baby their meds from a syringe.

I enabled my husband to try to give or son his meds by passing on what I'd been taught at the hospital as opposed to obtuse comments like 'find out yourself.'

As for he was out earning a living what does he want a medal?

Probably recognition for the role he played supporting his wife and children. Recognition isn't the right word but I'm not sure what is. I guess what I'm saying is that he shouldn't be derided for performing one task whilst the poster here did another. Without him, they wouldn't have had money to survive. Without her, the children wouldn't have been looked after. Neither is more laudable (in my opinion, clearly not yours) than the other.

Well my husband works full time but every time our baby has needed to go to the doctor, he's actually been there. The result is that he is just as competent to look after her in all ways as I am.

DH and I work full time. There have been occasions when one of us, for unavoidable reasons, have been unable to be at the hospital when needed. For one of those instances, I was in court as a professional witness in a child protection case. Did I 'actually fail', by your standards?

And if he hadn't been, he would have asked me what happened and found out what to do.

You assume, as he's "actually been there" every time.

PurpleMinionMummy - he's had 6 months 🙄

DH and I work full time.

So do we. I had an extension to my maternity leave on compassionate grounds. My husband used all, his annual leave.

Did I 'actually fail', by your standards?

No. But you know that. You're purposefully misunderstanding what I'm saying.

You assume, as he's "actually been there" every time.

True, but since he doesn't need to come and find me every time the baby cries (as the OP says her ex does) because he's confident and practiced as I am, I don't think it's an outrageous assumption.

I don't know how it works but I would be looking to ask that your ex has supervised contact with your DD at a contact centre, for short amounts of time until he learns to look after her, and she is older and can be away from you for longer periods, and arrange a fair way to have your DS. Every other weekend and a weeknight seem to be common these days. He can't have most of every weekend, that is unfair to you.

Lucky your dh mrsdusty. Not everyone can get time off work easily for a drs appt let alone many of them on a regular basis.

Yes he has brummie, and more fool him for not being more involved but it's not a reason to block access.

Two of OP reasons for blocking access are dd cries with him and she doesn't want to give up her own time with dd. Neither are a reason to block access.

As for the medical needs she says herself he didn't do it as he was scared of doing it wrong. It's not a great excuse but she has no concerns over his care for their other child so it sounds like he simply lacks confidence rather than he's a shit dad!
.

No. But you know that.

Obviously.

You're purposefully misunderstanding what I'm saying.

No. You said and implied that not being there for every appointment was a failure. I was in court when or DS was in intensive care (although Drs were relaxed / he wasn't critical). It hit a nerve a little bit and I genuinely feel sorry for the ex here.

Wanting to be there or feeling you should or 'having annual leave saved' isn't always what's needed.

He hasn't been given the opportunity to learn is the point mrsdusty. OP wants to block access without even trying.

This

He's not just your ex, he's their father! So yes YABU.

ailPartout

I think its always good to have a balanced view. and normally I would come down harsh on anyway that withheld acess, but if the dad fucks up in the care- he child could be seriously harmed . That's the issue its not male/female

Its the fact he is demanding care when he doesn't have a clue (yet) what to do to keep said child healthy and cared for

that's proper fucked up no?

and whilst I am no lactivist I think this child would be better off BF

and OP, mediation is the key here. I think you need to show willing, try, and screenshot every single vile message as you progress

if he wont accept mediation in this case, he is a cunt

No. You said and implied that not being there for every appointment was a failure.

I looked back because I would be very surprised if I had said or implied that, because it's not what I think. I cannot find any post that says or implies that not being at every hospital appointment is a failure. Could you please quote me directly on that?

"I didn't need him to do it, he wanted to".

To me (and others*), this suggests that it simply comes down to wanting to be there.

stopfuckingshoutingatme

If either parent made a mistake there could be serious consequences. The ex wasn;t being lazy when they didn't attend the appointments but the OP is being advised not to 'enable' him by passing on the information.

I guess I am a lactivist (although it's the first time I've heard of it). Having said that, if it enables the OP to keep her sanity / have time away from the SN daughter, helps the father build a relationship with his daughter and doesn't have any grave imapct on the child's health (none of us know the exact medical issue here) then I think BF-ing can be traded for other benefits. Especially at 6 months.

*"Lucky your dh mrsdusty. Not everyone can get time off work easily for a drs appt let alone many of them on a regular basis. "

6 month old will be weaning soon so breast feeding not that. If an issue.
Teach him how to do the syringes etc.
He has moved on, and I think you are not happy about that

To me (and others), this suggests that it simply comes down to wanting to be there.*

So I didn't say it what you're suggesting at all, which is fine, certainly not directly and only by implication if you're determined to interpret it that way.

So I didn't say it what you're suggesting at all, which is fine, certainly not directly and only by implication if you're determined to interpret it that way.

Do you speak the English?

OP I realise you have been doing all the medical things with the baby for six months but unless she has just been discharged from hospital you started doing all this with much less than six months experience.

I don't think anyone is suggesting you start off by packing the baby off for the weekend but you could start in small amounts and gradually build up. I breastfed one of mine for 3 years but I went back to work when he wasn't much older than your baby I gave him a feed before work, he had juice and something (cereal I think) for elevenses, and spoon fed something for lunch with drink from a cup and I was home to feed at 5ish and then again before bed and then at 5 in the morning and then before work. I'm not saying you need to do that just that you can breastfeed and not give a bottle but still be able to be away from baby for a while. My son never had a bottle, not one, and I think he would have carried on feeding for longer if I had let him.

Obviously it is difficult to say about the medical things but you were able to learn so why not him. As for giving medicine from a syringe that is pretty straightforward, I am assuming there is alot more complicated stuff involved but are there any periods when baby doesn't need intervention for a couple of hours?

I understand your worries as I have done my share of sitting by cots in hospital and it is hard to let go of control. I hope your and your ex can come to a reasonable agreement.

Obviously it is difficult to say about the medical things but you were able to learn so why not him.

Maybe because he has no Interest in learning, given he lived with this baby for 6 months and still doesn't have a clue? OP has already stated he never even asked her how the appointments went or what was said. If he had shown an interest when he was living in the same house as his baby then there wouldn't be an issue other than bf. Tbh medical issues aside the fact you are breastfeeding OP means contact of any more than a couple of hours just isn't possible at the moment. Do not allow yourself to be pressured into stopping early. Of course the easiest solution would be for him to grow the fuck up and come to you for contact so his baby can get used to being cared for by him and he can learn about her needs.
YADNBU. Baby's needs come first, he needs to prove he can meet them.

I am in now way trying to block access, as much as he and I may cannot see eye to eye I want both children to have a relationship with him. Yes he is a good father and I have no issues in unsupervised with our eldest but it is not the same, he is an older child with no additional needs and really is just happy to run around the park all day and have a sandwich for lunch that's fairly easy in comparison to looking after a baby that won't take a bottle, with complex medical needs.
I have given him opportunity to learn, I always told him of changes to her treatment etc. but it was like talking to a wall and because he then wasn't the one doing it and took a back seat letting me do everything he ultimately is now incapable of giving her everything she needs in a day.
I would maybe be more lax about the feeding and give a bottle of expressed milk if I thought it wouldn't make much difference but as I've said before she will take very little from a bottle and her weight gain needs to be steady, it is already not at best so I'm not going to gamble if she would take the milk when I have worked so hard at making breastfeeding work for both of us.

he ultimately is now incapable of giving her everything she needs in a day.

Well that's the bottom line. Her health is fragile, she won't take a bottle and needs her weight keeping up to maintain her health.

If a child suddenly developed a medical condition they wouldn't be released from hospital into their parents care until their parents had learned to manage that medical condition.

Your husband has not learned to manage your DD's condition, nor is he able to feed her. Therefore it's not appropriate for him to have unsupervised access.

Thank you. There will obviously always be mixed opinions and I can see that he is also their father and I'm not trying to stop him being a part of their lives but from what I've seen so far of him I just can't gamble her health on 'giving him a chance' I've offered him to see her at home and I would gladly stay out of the way as I don't particularly want to be spending time with him either but I think that's as far as I need to compromise. He has had months of chances to show he wants to step up and be a father but he seems to have detached himself and was not a father to her like he has been to DC1.

And yes while I am hurt he is seemingly moving on I am in no way letting that impact the children I am trying to stay as far away from my personal feelings as possible.

EmilyRosanne What signs has your ex shown that he is willing to learn how to look after his daughter?
Has he asked for detailed instructions on her care?
Has he learned to draw liquid into a syringe or do you still have to do all of it?

I think you need to get advice from her consultant about the potential risks, and see a solicitor.

He's shown no signs really, even taking her disability out of the equation he never woke up in the night with her often choosing to sleep in the spare room as to not be disturbed, he knows how to do the basics like drawing up syringe but that is with me giving him step by step instructions into which medicine how much etc. and a lot of her medication is more complicated.

He says if he has her for the day I can just write a list of what needs doing etc. but I am uncomfortable without actually ever seeing him do this that he will do it accurately.

He's not interested in attending her appointments, he's not interested in the information you give him, her health is fragile and needs diligence and careful management. Please don't go against your instincts, if you're not confident handing her over to someone, no matter their status, don't do it.
Parents don't have rights, they have responsibilities. Children have rights, and your DD has the right to have her essential medical needs met, she can't achieve that herself

I'm so sorry for what you (and your DH) have been going through, OP

This has all happened really quickly so you're understandably both upset and cross. I would really recommend a counselling/mediation session in order to try and rationalise your thoughts and have a constructive discussion.

Do you have family near by to support you?