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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give ex access with DC

128 replies

EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 08:01

We have been officially separated a few weeks and although I instigated a break to think, he ultimately ended it.
We have two DCs, one 5 and one 6 months. The eldest adores dad and I don't have concerns about contact, however with the baby things are more complicated as DC was born with a severe condition limiting the life expectancy to an average of 20/30 although it is common for much younger children to lose their battles. Much of keeping the baby healthy involves rigorous therapy and medication, all of which I have administered since birth and ex has played a very small role (I'd ask him to give DC medicine but I would need to draw up syringes etc.) and knows very little about what DC truly needs to keep healthy. I am also still breastfeeding and DC will not take much expressed milk from a bottle which is another concern as putting on enough weight is also crucial to keeping DC healthy and I also am unable to pump very much at times (ex says he will get formula and is not listening to me that breast milk is better for her with the antibodies etc.)

I am reluctant to give contact to ex with the baby as I have never left them alone before and the baby will not settle for any one but me and screams after about 5 minutes of being held by ex. I am also worried he may forget medication or take the baby somewhere too risky for the condition (there are lots of places deemed too high a risk). I also feel devastated at giving up time with the baby not knowing what the future holds.

We started off still doing things as a family but it seems he is trying to date again and this has changed his attitude towards me, he sends me vile texts blaming everything on me, I've ruined the children's lives etc. and I don't feel comfortable spending time the 4 of us anymore let alone the damage it might do for our eldest to see us at each others throats. He is now threatening court to be given unsupervised access as he 'can't stand me' to spend any time with me while eldest is at school with baby.

What do I do??

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 12/01/2017 10:20

No it is not true. Nobody is awarded costs in child residency cases. He won't win

Newbrummie · 12/01/2017 10:21

Actually I take that back, the judge threatened that my ex would have to pay costs because he had no case and the action was malicious... a judge can make those threats your ex cannot.

You want it to go to court, they will kick his ass

Lugeeta · 12/01/2017 10:22

Is it cystic fibrosis? I would offer contact in your home with you present. I think he needs to demonstrate that he can look after her before he is solely reponsibile and I can't see a judge having any other view either. And bf babies don't normally have overnights before they are 2yo with the nrp even if they don't have any medical needs.

LoveDeathPrizes · 12/01/2017 10:26

Isn't the point of access to maximise the wellbeing of the child? In this case, it does sound like she would be better off with you OP.

prettywhiteguitar · 12/01/2017 10:26

Op you sound like an absolute trooper, don't give in to his needs, they aren't above your baby's and right now you are the only advocate for that baby.

He needs to learn that he can't just carry on as before but then it's not your job to teach him.

NewNNfor2017 · 12/01/2017 10:34

He has told me it will go to court and if he 'wins' I have to pay all the fees?? I don't think it would ever get to court but is this true?!

No, not at all - you will each have to pay your own costs.

Assuming that you are in England/Wales, the first thing he will have to do is attend a Mediation Initial Assessment Meeting (MIAM) which he will have to pay for. The mediation company will then invite you to attend a MIAM (which you will be charged for) and then the Mediation Company will write a letter/statement deciding if the case is suitable for mediation. Hopefully, it will be, and you will both agree to try mediation as a way of resolving the issue - there will be a fee for each of you - but often, one party will pay the others fees, although they don't have to.

If he chooses to, your exDH can make an application to the Family Court. This will cost him approx £200. He will have to include the statement from the mediation company with the application as the Court expects a couple to attend MIAM and attempt mediation if appropriate prior to a court case.
Once the application has been received, it cannot be cancelled by the applicant. Only the Court can decide not to hear the case.

It will be listed for an initial hearing. Details are sent to CAFCASS, who will do initial checks (police/Soc Serv) on the DC's and parents.
At the initial hearing, the Court decides what other information it needs in order to make a decision on the case. It may order further CAFCASS or medical reports. It may order parents to attend a Separated Parenting Programme.

You can represent youself at all stages, you can instruct a solicitor to handle the case for you, or you can hire a direct access barrister to represent you in court but do all the paperwork yourself.

Original poster
EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 11:07

I can't see us being able to sit down and work out reasonable solutions but I'm not going to be able to afford court proceedings on maternity pay, he is 'telling me' he will have them both Saturday all day and Sunday afternoon, I will then have no time to go out for the day with DC1 who is at school and to express enough milk for a whole day would likely take me a week to pump if baby would even take it let alone all the other issues but he is trying to make me feel like I'm being a horrible mum and hurting the children by being against that plan Sad

OP posts:
Marmalade85 · 12/01/2017 11:21

A court would never award overnight contact for a sickly 6m breastfed baby. They would go for little and often so an hour a few times per week. Do not be bullied OP.

Marmalade85 · 12/01/2017 11:23

Also mediation is free and you are strongly advised to do that before going to court. You are in the right OP and your decision will be supported.

KayTee87 · 12/01/2017 11:24

Op do not be bullied, tell him no.

Original poster
EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 11:55

I have said no, there is no way he will be having the baby on his own at this point in time. I've said that if things change and I feel he can be trusted with everything she needs and feeding has been more established/not breastfeeding then things may change but I'm not prepared to gamble her health to 'test' him and if he does take me to court then so be it!

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 12/01/2017 11:57

Good for you.

KayTee87 · 12/01/2017 12:19

Good for you op x

GeminiRising · 12/01/2017 12:35

Start weaning dd onto a bottle with expressed milk, she'll take it if she hungry!

Sorry but that's crap. My DD2 would not take anything from a bottle, not expressed milk, not formula. She would scream and cry and just turn her head away from the bottle - and I tried a number of times over the first few months as I could not leave her with anyone until she started taking milk from a cup.

CheerfulMuddler · 12/01/2017 13:30

I don't think you can refuse him access for lots of reasons:

  • It's not fair on him to refuse him time with his child.
  • Imagine how it's going to impact on your DD as she grow up - Oh yes, daddy wants to spend time with your brother, but not with you because you're too ill.
  • If you aren't going to be able to work, you will need child benefit to be able to care properly for your children - ill children particularly come with a lot of extra expense, as I'm sure you know.
  • It sounds like the split has been really hard on your eldest. You seem to have been doing brilliantly so far at making this as easy for him as possible, but the more aggression there is around this, the harder it will be for him.
  • The last thing any of you need right now is a court case.
  • Your DD may live until she is 20 or 30. Another parent in her life who she adores as your DS has will be so valuable for her and for you over the long term.
  • The BF is a serious issue - but it won't last forever. You need to prioritise your family's long-term well being.

In your position I would:

  • Get started on weaning.
  • Arrange a meeting with your child's specialist or nurse or an impartial expert in her condition and you and your partner. Let THEM talk through your child's needs/how to administer medication/how important breastfeeding is etc. Your partner will be more likely to listen to them than he will to you and he'll be able to ask questions about why formula is a bad idea etc. And it'll be harder for him to argue back.
  • Try and find a way he can spend time with her while you're close by. In your living room while you're upstairs? In a neutral space like a mutual friend's house?
  • I also think getting some mediation is a good idea. Perhaps if you can put down in writing that you're happy for him to have her overnight when she's no longer breastfeeding, he'll be able to accept that he can't have her now?
  • Re: the screaming, I think your priority should be making this as easy for her as possible. Feed her before he gets there. Arrange visits at a time of day when she's generally happiest. Give her something that smells of you to hold. Try (ha! I know it's hard!) to be as calm and non-stressed out as you possibly can be when you give her to him. Have music she likes playing and favourite toys on hand. It will get easier. But having a good relationship with him will be so good for her and your son, and it will make life so much easier for you in the long run.

Good luck. And Flowers. I can't imagine what you've been going through - it sounds horribly stressful and awful.

CheerfulMuddler · 12/01/2017 13:31

Child support not benefit!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/01/2017 13:39

there are 2 issues here

(1) he is a bullying cunt who send vile texts
(2) your understandable concern for the welfare of your baby

OP, don't engage, stay legal, and keep formally documenting everything
and what Suzan said, I know its heart is mouth but you have to try and give him a chance

NewNNfor2017 · 12/01/2017 13:42

mediation is free and you are strongly advised to do that before going to court.

Mediation is means tested, not free.

NewNNfor2017 · 12/01/2017 13:43

I'm not going to be able to afford court proceedings on maternity pay,

Apologies, I didn't make my post clear - if you represent yourself, there would be no costs to you.

TiredMumToTwo · 12/01/2017 13:44

Has your child got CF? My son has CF and me and his Dad split up when he was 3 and a half.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 12/01/2017 13:48

I am so sorry by the way, 2 awfully stressful issues at once its just too much to bear really.

onwards xx Flowers

grannytomine · 12/01/2017 13:50

OP unless you are a HCP you have had to learn how to care for baby in the last six months. He can learn as well, you probably had more time in hospital to learn the ropes so he might have felt a bit out of his depth. To be honest I think it was wrong that he didn't learn all this stuff at the time but if he is a basically decent bloke of normal intelligence he can learn.

It must be very hard for you to give up control in these circumstances but it is best for baby to know dad.

MrsDustyBusty · 12/01/2017 13:53

Well Dad knows how to step up, so let him. The OP has enough on without having to manage him into being a barely adequate parent.

grannytomine · 12/01/2017 13:53

OP are you saying he can't have baby overnight or not at all. I think one is reasonable and one isn't.

grannytomine · 12/01/2017 13:56

Can you compromise? What if he had older child on Saturday all day and then had baby on Sunday afternoon, once he has learned all the routines, and you can have some one to one time with the older child which might be nice for both of you. I mean you and the child not you and husband.