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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give ex access with DC

128 replies

EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 08:01

We have been officially separated a few weeks and although I instigated a break to think, he ultimately ended it.
We have two DCs, one 5 and one 6 months. The eldest adores dad and I don't have concerns about contact, however with the baby things are more complicated as DC was born with a severe condition limiting the life expectancy to an average of 20/30 although it is common for much younger children to lose their battles. Much of keeping the baby healthy involves rigorous therapy and medication, all of which I have administered since birth and ex has played a very small role (I'd ask him to give DC medicine but I would need to draw up syringes etc.) and knows very little about what DC truly needs to keep healthy. I am also still breastfeeding and DC will not take much expressed milk from a bottle which is another concern as putting on enough weight is also crucial to keeping DC healthy and I also am unable to pump very much at times (ex says he will get formula and is not listening to me that breast milk is better for her with the antibodies etc.)

I am reluctant to give contact to ex with the baby as I have never left them alone before and the baby will not settle for any one but me and screams after about 5 minutes of being held by ex. I am also worried he may forget medication or take the baby somewhere too risky for the condition (there are lots of places deemed too high a risk). I also feel devastated at giving up time with the baby not knowing what the future holds.

We started off still doing things as a family but it seems he is trying to date again and this has changed his attitude towards me, he sends me vile texts blaming everything on me, I've ruined the children's lives etc. and I don't feel comfortable spending time the 4 of us anymore let alone the damage it might do for our eldest to see us at each others throats. He is now threatening court to be given unsupervised access as he 'can't stand me' to spend any time with me while eldest is at school with baby.

What do I do??

OP posts:
Original poster
EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 13:57

I was hoping when the dust settles that he would do the right thing and pay maintenance on his own without me needing to file as from watching a friend apply it seemed a long process to get anything and he is self-employed so could easily manipulate accounts to pay a small amount.

With her feeling 'different' to her brother I hope that in time she will understand her own treatments and limits and wouldn't be breastfeeding (or just a lot less) but at 6 months I feel she has more to lose than to gain by spending time alone with him.

The screaming isn't related to feeding etc. I think just as he has not been around very much she isn't happy for particularly long and if I do go off and do something else like have a bath she cries for 5 minutes then comes to find me to say she wants me.

I've suggested he come round while DC1 is at school to spend time with her and I'll get on with cleaning etc. rather than be hovering over but he says we don't need to be spending time together

OP posts:
grannytomine · 12/01/2017 14:02

How does a six month old come to find you in the bathroom to say she wants you. Did I get the age wrong? Think I'm confused, had a bad night.

PurpleMinionMummy · 12/01/2017 14:09

Yanbu to not want too. You are understandably worried. There are things that need addressing, he needs to learn how to handle meds and limit risks.

Yabu if you do actually block his access though. You haven't given him the chance to try and you have no valid reason to block his access completely. Dd crying is not a reason to not let him see her. She won't get used to him if they aren't left together.

I would suggest short contact periods and build them up slowly as he learns about her meds/she is able to bottle feed more/wean etc.

Ignore his court threats. As long as you are allowing him reasonable access there won't be any issues.

Original poster
EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 14:09

Maybe I worded that wrong! I meant as in my ex will be holding her and after a few minutes she cries and he will come and find me and tell me she wants me so by the time I get out he will just be sat there letting her scream saying he couldn't comfort her but not particularly trying to.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 12/01/2017 14:17

Try not to stress he probably doesn't even want the kids, they just say this shit to upset you. Easier said than done but ignore him until you get a court summons- which I doubt you ever will

Original poster
EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 14:23

I have just left it that he could have DC1 Saturday but that the baby is too young to be away from me long so suggested that he see the baby Sunday afternoon for an hour or two. I really believe if he cares about the children and wants what's best for them he would be happy with that but I think he is just using the baby to try and hurt me and play mind games and although it might seem harsh I am not going to spend the weekend pumping and writing out instructions for him when I'm not fully confident on doing it properly. And yes I learnt it without being a nurse but I have had 6 months and do all the medication and therapies everyday and been guided all the way through regular appointments with HCPs I don't want to take a gamble hoping he does it all okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 14:24

on him doing it properly*

OP posts:
ailPartout · 12/01/2017 14:24

Easier said than done but ignore him until you get a court summons

Try not to stress he probably doesn't even want the kids, they just say this shit to upset you.

Yeah. Fuck him and his Y chromosome.

You've been given some terrible advice OP. I hope you can disregard the nonsense and follow intelligent advice like CheerfulMuddler's.

Original poster
EmilyRosanne · 12/01/2017 14:31

I can see what people are saying in regard to what's fairer in having two parents etc. but at the same time I am not saying I don't want him ever to have unsupervised access throughout her life. But if you put yourselves in the position that it is your child with a life shortening condition where small mistakes could end up really costly and has had growth problems then maybe you could also see my side where I think it isn't in her best interests to just give him a 'learning curve' and express a bottle knowing she probably won't drink it and then would be distressed most of the day as she would be hungry and unsettled as she has not been away from me for longer than a supermarket shop.

OP posts:
Newbrummie · 12/01/2017 14:35

ailPartout - I'd say the same to a woman that didn't care enough to learn how to look after their newborn, even worse that the baby isn't even well

Newbrummie · 12/01/2017 14:37

And the advice to wean a baby off the breast for a males convenience when WHO recommends at least 12 if not 24 months is the best that's been given ? I don't think so

MrsDustyBusty · 12/01/2017 14:40

Yeah. Fuck him and his Y chromosome.

What has a YouTube chromosome got to do with anything? He hasn't developed the skills to look after the baby. He hasn't shown any real interest in doing it. You cannot allow a sick baby to be cared for in such a cavalier manner.

MrsDustyBusty · 12/01/2017 14:41

Autocorrect changed Y to YouTube there...

Newbrummie · 12/01/2017 14:43

MrsDustyBusty - or any baby for that matter. Makes me laugh, if the parents are together the children get the best start, best of everything but if the parents split them in the interests of the adults the kids just have to suck it up, excuse the pun. These are kids that need the best possible care due to all the other potential stuff happening in their lives, not a worse deal

PurpleMinionMummy · 12/01/2017 14:52

I meant wean as in onto food, not wean off the breast.

ailPartout · 12/01/2017 14:54

EmilyRosanne

I think you sound like you really believe you're doing the best for your daughter. You sound genuine and although I disagree with some of what you've said, I really hope this has the best possible ending for you and all involved. You're stuck between a rock and a hard place and came here for advice. Of course, some advice will be contrary to other posts.

At the same time, it wrangles me that you think (and to some extent, unfortunately do) have the right to dictate to their father what is best for them, what you will allow etc. You have been taught how to administer the meds but won't allow him to. It sounds like he was busy working while you went to the Dr's. I would feel very differently had he been watching Jeremy Kyle and on the brew.

Because you clearly don't have a problem with his parenting of your eldest, he isn't all bad. His messages sound shitty but not "vile" or "repulsive" as typically hyperbole-loving MN'ers have stated.

I want to address your last post, where you say "But if you put yourselves in the position that it is your child with a life shortening condition where small mistakes could end up really costly".

I realise 'your' could be referring to you and your ex, but it clearly isn't. You view your daughter as more yours than his and this isn't fair. I don't know your daughter's exact conditio and even if I did, I have nothing more that a first aid cert. I have been in a vaguely similar situation to you. Our middle child was born with a life-threatening condition. He took multiple meds throughout the day - some of them critical. After brain surgery at 14 months he is 'fixed'. I was extremely protective of him. Due to DH's work and travel, it was me who spent more time at the Dr, meeting specialists and the like. At no point would I have suggested what DH was allowed to do, what was permissible or that I had any more rights to our son than he did.

Mistakes in you DD's care could be costly. There are possibilities you could make a mistake surely.

I think you're being over-protective and the father is suffering.

I also think he needs to grow a pair and whatever animosity he feels towards you at the moment should be put aside so he can spend time with your daughter and she can be breastfed.

I think her being unsettled away from you is very easily overcome. You need to give him alone time with her and at the moment it doesn't sound like you're willing.

MrsDustyBusty · 12/01/2017 14:57

The thing that I'm finding seriously shocking is the number of suggestions for how the OP can get him to be good at it - even to the point of setting up meetings with HCPs so that he can learn. Why would she bother? That's his job! And if she found she wanted to do it, why imagine he'd start turning up when he couldn't be arsed before?

The level of enabling this man is apparently entitled to is appalling.

ailPartout · 12/01/2017 15:06

He was earning money to support the family while she attended those meetings MrsDusty. I said that my opinion would have been very different had he been on his arse whilst she went to the hospital.

I find it strange (as a teacher) that 'enabling someone to [do a good thing]' is viewed as a negative on MN.

As to "why should she bother [helping him be the best parent he can]?" because although they are no longer romantically involved, they are still raising a child together and just as he needs put the child's needs before his own, so does the OP.

Being a dick for the sake of it doesn't seem like her style: the same can't be said for many replies.

Newbrummie · 12/01/2017 15:11

It's insulting to all the decent men and fathers out there to suggest they need a woman enabling to do a job that's meant to come natural to a female. As for he was out earning a living what does he want a medal ? As the op will shortly discover that's a given, expected. Oh and she'll be doing all the other stuff because that's just expected too

CheerfulMuddler · 12/01/2017 15:13

Also because if he does take this to court, they are going to insist he has access. And it's in the best interests of all concerned - OP, her daughter, everyone - that he knows how to look after her properly.

MrsDustyBusty · 12/01/2017 15:13

Well my husband works full time but every time our baby has needed to go to the doctor, he's actually been there. And if he hadn't been, he would have asked me what happened and found out what to do. The result is that he is just as competent to look after her in all ways as I am.

I think he needs to demonstrate some commitment to doing this right - or at all. Threats and nuisance texts aren't doing enough to learn about the baby's care.

PurpleMinionMummy · 12/01/2017 15:15

She should bother helping him because it's in the best interests of their dd. Because not helping him puts their dd at risk of harm, the very thing OP wants to avoid. OP is the best person to show him as she knows their dds routine best.

MrsDustyBusty · 12/01/2017 15:20

He has to help himself though. She can show him as often as she likes, if he's not into it, he's not going to learn. And she hasn't mentioned a single flicker of interest in getting her to teach him.

If he was saying he didn't know and could she show him, of course she should then. But he's not and she isn't responsible for getting him to want to learn.

PurpleMinionMummy · 12/01/2017 15:24

I think you'll probably be in the minority needing your dh to hold your hand every time you take your child to to the drs mrsdusty! Although there might be a few other pfb parents that do that....

flippinada · 12/01/2017 15:25

Emily goodness, how tough Flowers.

What comes across from your posts is that you're a loving parent who is trying to do your best in a very difficult situation.

Is important to remember, think, that children have rights (to be loved , cared for have their needs fulfilled) while parents have responsibilities. It's about what's best for your DD. You know better than anyone on here what her needs are. If your ex wants access then he needs to be mature, step up to the plate and show that he can put his DDs needs first too. If he can't then that's his loss. Neither is it your responsibility to facilitate that - you have enough on your plate.

Don't start fretting about court just yet either, that may not happen.