to not want to give ex access with DC

[EmilyRosanne]

We have been officially separated a few weeks and although I instigated a break to think, he ultimately ended it.
We have two DCs, one 5 and one 6 months. The eldest adores dad and I don't have concerns about contact, however with the baby things are more complicated as DC was born with a severe condition limiting the life expectancy to an average of 20/30 although it is common for much younger children to lose their battles. Much of keeping the baby healthy involves rigorous therapy and medication, all of which I have administered since birth and ex has played a very small role (I'd ask him to give DC medicine but I would need to draw up syringes etc.) and knows very little about what DC truly needs to keep healthy. I am also still breastfeeding and DC will not take much expressed milk from a bottle which is another concern as putting on enough weight is also crucial to keeping DC healthy and I also am unable to pump very much at times (ex says he will get formula and is not listening to me that breast milk is better for her with the antibodies etc.)

I am reluctant to give contact to ex with the baby as I have never left them alone before and the baby will not settle for any one but me and screams after about 5 minutes of being held by ex. I am also worried he may forget medication or take the baby somewhere too risky for the condition (there are lots of places deemed too high a risk). I also feel devastated at giving up time with the baby not knowing what the future holds.

We started off still doing things as a family but it seems he is trying to date again and this has changed his attitude towards me, he sends me vile texts blaming everything on me, I've ruined the children's lives etc. and I don't feel comfortable spending time the 4 of us anymore let alone the damage it might do for our eldest to see us at each others throats. He is now threatening court to be given unsupervised access as he 'can't stand me' to spend any time with me while eldest is at school with baby.

What do I do??

It must be awful having a baby with such complex medical needs and I was completely understating until you mentioned "giving up time with the baby".

This is your husbands baby too and he has the right to spend equal amounts of time with her, you initially mde out you were worrying he wouldn't give her meds because he doesn't fully understand her needs but I think that your concerned he will take away the precious time that you usually get to spend with your dd.

There has to be a compromise, you will have to teach your dh to sort meds out, after all you learned once! Start weaning dd onto a bottle with expressed milk, she'll take it if she hungry!

Start weaning dd onto a bottle with expressed milk, she'll take it if she hungry!

You know nothing about this child's illness so you can't really say this with authority. Op has stated she also doesn't get a lot while expressing so why should she sit for hours and hours trying to express enough milk for an overnight visit. If the child's father has its best interests at heart he will realise contact has to be limited just now.

Whilst I understand where you're coming from. It really would be a good idea that someone else is 'trained up' to competently care for your child. It's never a good idea to be indispensable for a variety of reasons.

If he's willing then all the better for dad to do it. If he isn't then he's brought it on himself. I don't blame you for being wary.

DC will always have difficulty gaining and maintaining a healthy weight so whilst I would like eventually to be able to feed from an expressed bottle I'm not willing to fast track this for his benefit when it has taken a while to get feeds just right to gain the right amount of weight.

I have tried for 6 months to get him to come to appointments or even just to ask how it went and doesn't know the names of some of the medicines, let alone times, amounts or what they for so I'm wary just to write him a list and let him go off. Yes I did learn it all myself but it has been gradually through many appointments and adjusting of treatments etc. and we have different types of personality he is one not to be 'told' what to do

Could you leave the house for a few hours whilst he has the baby OP? It could do you good too. Do something nice by yourself.

Can you express enough to cover a single feed? Why can't you give him the med schedule for the time he'd have her?

I do think it's unfair to assume he'd fail to look after her.

He's moved away from his two children who you still get to see every day. This is no bed of roses for anyone involved and maybe spending some time pumping to enable your DD to bond with her father is worthwhile.

It may well be true he can't take time off work for a Dr appointment. Was he working and supporting you and his children when you were together. He doesn't sound like a terrible person and needs to be given the benefit of the doubt.

He can't have it both ways. If he wants to give your DC2 the same chance of being parented by him as your older DD, then he needs to step up, attend medical appointments, and behave like and equal parent in their life.

Assuming that he's not in the forces, or working abroad, he should be able to negotiate parental leave and flexible working. Any plans or expectations you may have had for the way your lives would look changed when you had a baby with a life limiting disability, and again when the marriage ended.
Both of you have to come to terms with the fact that your quality of life, and expectations, may have to change.

You may have very different priorities - for instance, he may be willing to drop his working hours in order to spend more time as an active parent, whereas you may feel that his financial support is more valuable to your DC's than his presence. A mediator will help you negotiate a compromise that you can both live with.

Ohdearducks

I did ask OP if letting her ex care for his DD would harm her. I didn't suggest OP do it if it would harm her DD. OP has now explained why it's not a good idea.

He has failed to look after his dd in the 6 months he's lived with her. He hasn't been interested and all that time the op has done everything herself. Caring for a newborn, going to appointments, learning about her condition and needs. To hell with the dads rights, if he is so interested now let him come and learn from you, over time. And when you are comfortable then let him have proper contact. If he doesn't want to put in the work let him take you to court.

I do think it's unfair to assume he'd fail to look after her.

The fact that he's failed so far does mean that she's not pulling the assumption out of her knickers.

While I completely understand he is their father and I don't 'deserve' them or their time any more than he does I have put my future plans on hold to best care for DC who wouldn't be able to go to a childminder etc. with the risks of infection. I don't think it would be difficult in this situation to ask for an hour or two off to come to important appointments for his DC to learn more about the condition and support the two of us. He has not paid a penny for either child in the time he's not at home and said "I'm not paying for a child u won't let me look after"

I don't think I'd trust him with a stuffed and mounted pigeon, to be honest.

I think you're perfectly reasonable OP but I have recently stopped my exH's overnight access to our youngest son who has medical issues. My ex doesn't and never has bothered to attend medical appointments, visits for around 20 minutes every two or three hospital admissions (he's had 12 in the last year including major surgery), doesn't ensure he has his medications or that other cares are performed and always returns him to me as soon as he appears even a little unwell as he won't deal with it.

If a parent isn't willing to look after or learn to look after a seriously ill child then all rights to access are waived imo. The child's health is paramount and shouldn't be subject to the potential learning curve of someone who should know all of it already!!

And with him 'dating' I completely get that would be no reason to withhold contact. As hurtful as it is that he is moving on rather than trying to be the best father he can be, I was just saying that seemed to be when spending time 'as a family' became a problem to him.

It's not up to you op to teach him how to care for the child, it's his job to do the research understand her needs and then demonstrate to the health care professionals he is capable. Until he can do that the baby doesn't leave your sight.

Oh and get onto the csa I found them brilliant.

Dare I ask what led to the split? He is beginning to sound like a complete git.

He is father to a disabled child. If he wants to be a PARENT that child, he has to make changes to his life. He can't expect his life to carry on as before, and for his child to fit in with that.

YANBU, what a terrible situation. If he isn't able/willing to take good care of the baby and give him the medicines, no way a judge will give him contact. Just ask him to tell you what medicines should be given, with time and dosage, if he can't answer that is proof that the baby wouldn't be correctly cared for.

Just be careful when saying I also feel devastated at giving up time with the baby not knowing what the future holds - I understand what you mean but he might use it against you if you tell him this.

I asked for some time apart as I was beginning to feel very alone and not a 'partner' The first few weeks after diagnosis I was in a very dark place and often crying as we had a tiny baby who appeared healthy but yet had a tough time ahead, he would almost mock me for 'always on a downer' then after a big argument about the lack of support he went out with a friend and stayed out until 5/6am after work then said he felt much better and I just had a lightning bolt moment where we deserved better. I feel like he is using our DC as a way to make me look bad and make me hurt as he knows I haven't left DC yet so just to hand over and not see for periods of time would really hurt.

I think given the seriousness of your baby's condition it would be a damned good thing if there was another adult in their life able to give appropriate care. What are you going to do next time you get flu, or norovirus, or if you need to go into hospital? Who will care for your baby then?

He needs to learn how to care for his child.

My parents understand more of the babies condition as they ask lots of questions about her so I am gradually educating them in the event that ex doesn't step up to the plate if anything were to happen to me

If the baby needs medical management and dh hasn't undergone training then I believe he won't get unrestricted access.

He sounds a right charmer. Sorry you are going through this OP.

He has told me it will go to court and if he 'wins' I have to pay all the fees?? I don't think it would ever get to court but is this true?!