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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask a really daft question about what happens re : after school when kids reach secondary age?

140 replies

NotTheMrMenAgain · 10/01/2017 21:55

Hello, I know this sounds daft but I really don't know what's meant to happen re: after school care once kids start secondary school.

When I'm at work DD8 is collected by my parents or in laws (my DH usually works away). If they can't collect her I can use the after school club.

But what about at secondary? Do secondary age kids normally get collected? I'm fairly sure secondary schools don't run wrap around care! Surely 11 or 12 is far too young to have house key and be alone until I get home?

I had a key but my DM was at home, and I don't know how it works for working parents.

Please can somebody come and explain it to me? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
StarUtopia · 10/01/2017 23:30

Meh. I was home alone from the age of 8 and perfectly able to sort myself out! (yes, yes, I realise this would be unacceptable these days!)

brasty · 10/01/2017 23:35

I was 12 in the 70s, and walked home and let myself in until my parents got home from work.

aliasjoey · 10/01/2017 23:36

The problem with going to the library after school is then in the winter they have to walk home in the dark.

I think they like the freedom and responsibility, but you have to expect odd texts e.g.

I've forgotten my key - could you come home and let me in?
I ate all the biscuits you got for Christmas - are there any more?
There's a burning smell when I use the toaster.
I'm stuck on my homework, can my best friend come round and help
There's no wifi, I need it for homework.

Etc

MoleculeEmoji · 10/01/2017 23:39

All those saying 11 is old enough, did you read my post above re SEN. does anyone have a SEN child that could give any tips please? I am panicking massively coming up to September already. :(

charlestrenet · 10/01/2017 23:39

Agree about the library/clubs in winter. Also if they leave at the same time as everyone else they'll be doing at least part of the journey with friends, rather than alone.

KingscoteStaff · 10/01/2017 23:42

My yr 7 daughter and her friends go home on public transport or walk. They are at school until 5.15 most days for sport or music. My DD gets home at about 5.45, makes herself toast, has a shower and changes out of her uniform - either DH or I are home by 6.30pm, so it's not too long to wait.

Stingray2008 · 10/01/2017 23:45

My dd started this year and walks 45mins there and back again she has a key for if for any reason im not there usually due to picking up the younger two from clubs. Either that or she walks to keet me at the boys school and we all walk home together. On fridays i usually get a call to say shes at her friends house a few roads away and can i come and get her at 7 (as its dark then).

CakesRUs · 10/01/2017 23:48

They mature fast when they reach secondary age, I remember my son going for a day at his secondary school, a settling in day, and meeting him in my car to take him home. He told me everyone was catching the bus, asked if he could too. I followed that bus in my car, it felt really alien as I'd never done it before, but he was capable and I was being, not silly, I just didn't know what the score was as I'd never done it before. When he started secondary school, he had a bus pass, and I never followed the bus, he was fine and ready for the independence. My point is, your question isn't silly, it's an unknown to you.

whattheactualflump · 10/01/2017 23:58

Totally fine with a key and a we'll stocked fridge! Admire any that actually get on with homework though..(& whaaat to the mental health comment, very odd, not sure how encouraging healthy and responsible independence is damaging in a loving household with a child who
Is happy to do so and can be trusted - perhaps a bit of projection there!?).

BigChocFrenzy · 11/01/2017 00:09

I let myself in from age 11 in the 1960s, after a 40 minute ride on the school bus and a 10 minute walk home.
When I was ill, I stayed home alone all day.
Never worried me. It was normal for the time.
We had a landline, but mobiles & internet hadn't been invented then.

Willyoujustbequiet · 11/01/2017 00:12

Its a nightmare for me. Breaking my neck to get miles between schools for different pick ups. No after school clubs or local childcare available. Dd is 9 and im not comfortable with her walking miles to the bus station. Its one of the reasons i cant work full time.

corythatwas · 11/01/2017 00:40

Cadenza1818 Tue 10-Jan-17 22:47:51
"Wow! I'm surprised how normal ppl think coming home to an empty house is. Me n my mates all walked home, pretty much straight home (via shop for sweets) and then home to a parent. This was in the 90S granted but I'm surprised to see how much has changed. No wonder there's so much mental health issues in kids."

Nonsense. Things haven't changed at all; you weren't in any way typical of the 90s. Lots of parents worked, lots of children came home to an empty house. My niece must be about your age: she used to get some things from the shop and have supper ready for her mum and siblings. Hasn't damaged her in the least; she enjoyed doing it.

As for me, growing up in the 60s with a house full of siblings, I used to find those moments of an empty house utter bliss.

keeplooking · 11/01/2017 01:01

It's completely normal for any senior school child to..........start preparing the evening meal

??? Grin

(Ime, anyway. I must have gone wrong, somewhere along the line!)

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/01/2017 01:05

No wonder there's so much mental health issues in kids. Making ne really cross!

Yes you're absolutely right, it's nothing at all to do with the rise in social media, or the fact that there's more pressure than from school and peers to do well and look good and have the right social status...it's because mummy isn't at home for a while 90 minutes after school.

FFS

scottishdiem · 11/01/2017 01:11

In the late 80s I came home on my own at age 11. My aunt had looked after us when we were younger but from high school my sister and I just went home. Dad worked away all week and mum came home around 90 mins after we got home.

Dont think either of us suffer as Cadenza assumes we should have.

No idea about SEN unfortunately. Sorry.

spankhurst · 11/01/2017 01:16

cadenza, why would being alone for an hour or two after a busy day interacting with others and learning cause MH issues? They haven't been abandoned in the slums. They understand that their parents need to work. I did this from younger than 11 and I quite enjoyed a bit of quiet until everyone got back.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 11/01/2017 01:20

I savoured every parent free moment at home! I just assumed most kids 11+ were capable of getting home and letting themselves in

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 11/01/2017 01:33

Mine either got the bus home and let himself in, made a snack and waited till I got home, or walked to his grandparents house near to school. He started doing after school activities in year 9 and now we rarely see him earlier than 7pm.

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2017 01:58

MoleculeEmoji "All those saying 11 is old enough, did you read my post above re SEN. does anyone have a SEN child that could give any tips please? I am panicking massively coming up to September already."

My dd has autistic tendencies and is very dyslexic. I was worried about her going to secondary school, and how she would cope.

My dd grew up a lot in Year 6, they had a trip away and did adventurous things etc. She now copes well with secondary (so far). Better than I expected.

I am at home when dd gets home because I work part-time. We have a younger son and I am not sure what will happen when he is old enough to go to secondary school! I can't quite imagine going to work full time anymore! We are lucky, I only work part-time and that is because my dh works full-time, we only have one car, few exotic holidays etc.

We have chosen not to give dd a key yet, this is because I think she may lose it! My friend uses a key box, which seems to work well.

DD can go to friends' houses after school, and some of them will be at home without parents, some will be home with parents.

Italiangreyhound · 11/01/2017 02:01

MoleculeEmoji, see what options are available when your child is older. If I were looking in our local area and did not want my child to be at home alone.

-I would do my best to find a job that would allow me to be home at least sometimes when she finished school, and would collect her by car (offer to meet her round the corner, in the local supermarket if that seemed better for her)
-see if my child would go the library after school and I could meet her there
-see if there are after school clubs, there are at least two nights that have clubs at dd's school
-ask relatives or friends but it tends to work better is you can help friends out and they can help you out rather always being the one asking (so I have found)
-my job gives me the option to work from home, so I could leave work early and do my final hour at home with access to the system, if I chose to
-consider whether meeting them at a cafe or something might work well if there is one close by, could get pricy, but they may enjoy this
-i'd want to try a variety of things if they could cope with different things on different days but it still helps with my dd when things happen on set days like Tuesdays is going to blah blah's house!
-talk to the current school and the new school, especially to the Senco
As time goes on you may wish to give your child more freedom but remember you will know your child better than others. Not all kids handle things the same way. My son is adopted and finds some things, which other kids may find easy, to be quite hard. But he is getting so much better and I need to allow him some more freedoms.

Good luck. Thanks

CakesRUs "I followed that bus in my car" I can well imagine me having done that when dd started, except she cycles and no one needs to see me on a bike! Blush

altik · 11/01/2017 02:25

At my daughter's state school, they run clubs most days after school, with the school library also open every day. Three days a week, there's a late bus, which if she got that would mean she's not home until 5 - 5:30pm.

However, it's also a boarding school, so they do flexi boarding and you can pay for your child to stay and do prep etc until 7/8pm. I've never needed to use it, but it's a great facility.

FeedMyFaceWithJaffaCakes · 11/01/2017 06:21

I walked to and and from primary school alone from age 9 and used to have to let me self in (by way of a front door key and a little step as I was too small to reach the lock to begin with!) and then wait an hour or so until my sister got home from senior school. Then we'd wait another couple of hours until my mum got home from work. In that time we'd eat snacks, watch TV and usually make the dinner!
Single parent household, mum had three jobs, out the house from 7.45-6.30pm

Babbitywabbit · 11/01/2017 06:25

Many secondary schools now have activities, homework club, library etc where pupils can go until 4.30/ 5 and tbh most get to and from school independently after that so there's no reason for them to be hanging about for hours on their own.

Ttbh I'm more surprised that the OP is asking about just after school and not school holidays . It's the hols which are harder with secondary kids as all day is too long to leave 11 and 12 year olds but they may be too old to still go to a cm. we used a uni student home for the vacation so our kids were supervised without feeling babied

RoseGoldHippie · 11/01/2017 06:26

When I was in year 7/8 I would catch the bus home from school and my 'boyfriend' would meet me at the stop and walk me home. Then he would leave 15 minutes before my dad was due home, wait at the end of the road until he saw his car and then come back Blush i think I was home 'alone' every day for 1-2 hours.

Luckily he would come in and we would play the ps1 so nothing sinister was actually going on. Still makes me cringe when I think about it though hahaha

fishonabicycle · 11/01/2017 06:38

Mine has caught the bus home and sorted himself out on the days I work since half way through year 6. He was very happy T do that. He's now year 11 and has survived!