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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask a really daft question about what happens re : after school when kids reach secondary age?

140 replies

NotTheMrMenAgain · 10/01/2017 21:55

Hello, I know this sounds daft but I really don't know what's meant to happen re: after school care once kids start secondary school.

When I'm at work DD8 is collected by my parents or in laws (my DH usually works away). If they can't collect her I can use the after school club.

But what about at secondary? Do secondary age kids normally get collected? I'm fairly sure secondary schools don't run wrap around care! Surely 11 or 12 is far too young to have house key and be alone until I get home?

I had a key but my DM was at home, and I don't know how it works for working parents.

Please can somebody come and explain it to me? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Becauseitsbedtime · 10/01/2017 22:52

Cel thanks for replying :o

It wasn't a regular arrangement, it was something we tried when I took my current job - she was fine a couple of times then about the third or 4 th time forgot her key.

She takes the bus to school every day and home 2 days a week but now I've enrolled her at the after school club on my work days.

She has missed the bus but only once, right at the start, and I was home anyway so could fetch her.

It's odd because I happily leave her home alone if I know she is already in the house, and I happily leave her to get herself to and from school when I will be home or nearby not working. I happily let her walk from school to town with friends (not alone, but she's never wanted to alone) then I pick her up later - but that is an occasional thing as almost all her friends are dependent on irregular buses to get home to different rural villages over a wide area.

It's all the variables and the long distance. No relatives anywhere near although we know neighbours well and she has a friend who usually takes the same bus (not always though, sometimes does clubs).

She freaked me out tbh calling, leaving an ambiguous message and then being uncontrollable - she was fine and I'd have been oblivious til I got home and saw her outside but fine, so probably wouldn't have thought about it as much in a pre mobile phone era of course Blush

HearTheThunderRoar · 10/01/2017 22:54

From year 7 onwards DD was home alone after school (unless she had activities), her bus got in at 4:20 and I got home between 5:30-6pm. DD was fine as she had been left home alone previously, but the winter months were a bit tougher.

I did have no choice, I am a lone parent with no family help and I work full time. I am lucky that DD was already fairly independent.

It all depends on the child though and when their birthday is.

5moreminutes · 10/01/2017 22:54

*uncontactable not uncontrollable! Blush

StarryIllusion · 10/01/2017 22:55

They walk home by themselves and let themselves in and amuse themselves/do homework etc until you get home. They aren't little children who need supervising. At 11 I was perfectly capable of coming home, making a sandwich and parking myself in front of the TV for a few hours. I knew the basics like not to open the door unless I knew who it was, don't piss about with the cooker, where the fuse box was and how to isolate a tripped circuit, how to turn the gas/water off etc. You know, emergency type stuff. I'd just give them a key, warn them not to lose it on pain of sitting on the doorstep in the pouring rain, show them how to shut off gas/water in case of flooding or smelling gas and leave them to it. They're nearly teens, they'll be fine.

SquinkiesRule · 10/01/2017 22:56

My Dd is y7 she comes home on the school bus and it's gone 4 before she gets in the house. She can let herself in if we aren't here, but Dh is usually home. We started leaving her for short times when she started y6 just going for walks without her, now we do grocery shopping while she stays home as she hates going.
You just start slow and eventually leave them to let themselves in and trust they don't get silly.
Dd is pretty good at following the rules, she's more likely to spend the whole time alone playing x-box than making trouble.

AtSea1979 · 10/01/2017 22:57

Mine goes in the library or a club then I collect otherwise he'd get the bus home and let himself in. Yes 11 is old enough.

GreenTureen · 10/01/2017 22:58

No wonder there's so much mental health issues in kids. Making ne really cross!

You're ridiculous. Did you really just attribute an 11 year old being left alone for an hour or two to them having mental health issues? Hmm

MilkRunningOutAgain · 10/01/2017 22:59

I leave at 7:30am and get back at 6pm. From start yr 7 DS has locked up the house and left at 8:10am and lets himself in around 4pm. He often does his homework, goes for a run or cycle and plays inevitable computer games before I get back. He is starving when I get back, but generally too lazy to fix himself something to eat. Why would any of this cause poor mental health? He goes to after school clubs sometimes, & then I have to organise him a taxi back, as there is no bus and if he misses the minibus he is stuck. He texts me if anything is up.

Stickerrocks · 10/01/2017 22:59

Why on earth would spending a couple of hours at home after school result in an increase in mental health problems? In the 1970s I had to do a 3 mile trip on a public bus service each day after school from the age of 5 and without my big brother when I was 8. My DD caught the school bus from age 11, then had a 20 minute walk back to our house, letting herself in & doing her homework until I got in from work. It's simply independence & she loves being able to potter by herself.

MsAwesomeDragon · 10/01/2017 23:00

My dd started coming home by herself and staying home alone till 4:30 when she was in year 6. By year 7 I was happy leaving her till 5/5:30 after school.

I teach in a secondary school. Most of our pupils make their own way home, either walking or on the school bus. I think some have parents at home when they get there, but lots don't and are home alone for an hour or so. We also have clubs running every night till 4:30 (different clubs, like sports, chess, board games, art, etc) and a homework club in the library which is open till 5:30, for kids who are collected by a parent. All of our clubs are reasonably well attended, and there are always about 20-30 kids in the library when I'm leaving at 5 ish.

HearTheThunderRoar · 10/01/2017 23:02

cadenza I would love to be that mum who has cookies baked ready for the children as they came home from school, however I didn't have that option, I have no choice to work full time. Unless you want me to rely on the state?

My DD is nearly 18 and I can assure you she has no mental health issues, she has learnt to fend for herself and be independent, not to rely on mummy.

Obviously I would never put her in that situation if she wasn't happy, but she coped fine and liked having the house to herself.

bunnylove99 · 10/01/2017 23:03

Cadenza1818. What a dumb thing to say! I came home to an empty house from younger than 12 back in the eighties. It's what people do when parents both work, then and now.

OP they come home, watch tv/do homework/play x-box etc. Working on mine doing chores too. By secondary I was expected to set the table and peel potatoes for dinner. I would often make puddings from angel delight too - it tasted nice in the 80s!

BackforGood · 10/01/2017 23:03

Agree with everyone else. They walk, or get the bus home, and let themselves in, raid the fridge/ snacks cupboard and watch tv get on with their homework.
Sometimes they stay after school to do activities.
OP, they grow up a LOT between now and then.
You start now - leaving them at home on their own when you pop out for 5 mins..... giving them a key to let themselves in (get used to wiggling the key the right way or pull the door a bit closer etc).....send them out on errands - going to the local shop for you..... you let them go to the library or shop or swimming baths without you...... you begin to let them stay in the house for slightly longer periods of time......... you get them to learn a couple of number and commit to memory (maybe their grandparents) so they can get someone to ring for help if needed if they lose their phone or leave it at home or it is out of charge....... you begin to let them walk home from primary school on their own (familiar route, lots of other families around),.......... and so on and so forth.
All this means there is no sudden change - you ease them in gently.

SavageBeauty73 · 10/01/2017 23:05

My 11 year old twins go to my parents on the days I work. They walk there, dawdle in the park with their friends but go to my parents. It's mainly as they are totally irresponsible together. I got home from work and the front door would be wide open. Or the keys in the door. It works at the moment and I'm very lucky to have retired parents two roads away.

Becauseitsbedtime · 10/01/2017 23:05

Cadenza my parents left me home alone all day if I was too ill for school (which meant a diagnosable illness or a high temperature or vomiting as they were very much of the opinion children are generally faking unless illness is provable visually). That was in the 80s.

I also babysat my siblings from 13.

Children are left home alone less these days, not more Hmm nobody used to bat an eyelid.

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2017 23:08

It's completely normal for any senior school child to manage to get themselves home, let themselves in and get on with their homework or start preparing the evening meal as far as I know.

However, my DC's senior school runs something called a 'Safe space club' after school, that runs until 6pm mon-fri.

Basically, kids can stay in the IT room and use the computers/play board games/do homework or just chill quietly with friends.

It's completely free. They only charge for refreshments, although kids can bring their own.

missmapp · 10/01/2017 23:10

Ds1 is in year 7. For the first two terms he carried on going to after school club. Since Christmas he has been letting himself in. He gets in about half 4 ,and one of us is back by 6. ,He is fine and spends the time painting warhammer figures ! He gets the bus home as do most of his friends.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 10/01/2017 23:11

I have let my Year 6 child who is 11 let herself into the house, with a set of instructions (not to cook), phone numbers etc if it's only for an hour or maybe two. I've done it a few times when I've had meetings at work, perhaps over a year, she doesn't like it as I'm usually at home when she gets in, but won't go to the neighbours who are happy for her to go there. After-school has to be booked too far in advance. She walks home from school which takes about five minutes but dawdles, plays with friends and so on.

I don't think every 11 year old is the same, she's super responsible and I've never had any worries, but she doesn't like it herself as she prefers company and is used to having a parent home. But needs must.

WorraLiberty · 10/01/2017 23:12

Oh and the 'mental health' comment is ridiculous.

These days kids seem to be far more bubble wrapped than they ever were years ago.

Giving kids a bit of responsibility, isn't exactly a well known 'mental health issue' trigger Confused

grumpysquash3 · 10/01/2017 23:12

I have two in secondary and one in primary and I leave them at home all day in the holidays when I'm working. My youngest has been coming home with a key starting in year 4 (but only if one of the older ones would be home soon), now in year 6 does it every day regardless.

RB68 · 10/01/2017 23:14

We just hit this and it still pulls me a bit. Basically DH and I work from home alot of the time so generally we are here or one of us is. However, there is no public bus service to here so if she misses the bus she is under instruction to call and if no answer go to library till it closes then go to a friends who lives around the corner and ask for help contacting me - I am lucky in this respect to have a good friend nearby to school. Mostly I will be home and have car, occasionally won't have car - I just ask a neighbour - I have at least 4 plus some others I could ask. One neighbour has spare keys and DD knows who and would go and get them or go to one of two or three others. If I am within an hr of home I let her come home and wait here - she loves it and is v sensible and can cook herself a light meal using combo microwave and Aga. However if I am likely to be further away e.g. tomoz am in Sheffield and DH not home so she is to come home and be collected by a friend who commutes from station near us and go back to hers for collection when we get back

I just realised I should have a disaster planning job really.....

missmapp · 10/01/2017 23:16

Oh, and we have a key safe on the outside wall so there is no danger of a key being lost.
Caz I was a latch key kid from 8 and my mental health is good thanks. There are many issues we need to help our children face in the future and building resilience, independence and life skills is a good way to start.

Becauseitsbedtime · 10/01/2017 23:17

missmap key safe is a good idea!

charlestrenet · 10/01/2017 23:23

OP as others have said, there is a big difference between 8 and 11. It seems impossible to you now, but them being home alone can and does work even in year 7. I have to say that I did still worry and there have been lost keys, missed buses, getting on the wrong bus etc but in general it's fine. Not ideal for me (I think 11 is young and in winter it gets dark so early) and I would rather there was some kind of provision but scrapes aside it does work ok. I would really like to be the kind of mum who lovingly welcomed her children home wearing an apron and smiling with a plate of freshly baked cookies having spent the day leisurely doing all the chores that I cram into my precious evening 'leisure' time but, well, that's not how it is for lots of us.

Notso · 10/01/2017 23:28

I find its a mixture. DS1 is 12 in year 8 from his year group I know a few who are still collected by parents/grandparents mostly ones with younger siblings, some go home to parents at home, a few go to friends houses and get picked up from there, some to an empty house, some hang around in town or the park, there are various after school clubs until 4:30 or a homework club until 5 that takes the kids home on a minibus.