Firstly sorry but I have no answers
One thing I read on this topic before is there is NO answer. Sorry to say but this did at least make me feel a little less frustrated that I couldn't fine the solution.
Completely understand you are against CIO/CC. Not for everyone.
But. You have to admit what you have been doing thus far isn't working so maybe be open minded to it. From what I've read you are feeding or soothing every time so she is not getting the chance to work it out for herself. Of course they'll be some tough times when that happens so maybe you just had to decide if you want that or if you just have to suck it up and accept it. Your post above asks when will she just learn to settle, and my instant reaction was - when you let her. Don't get me wrong at all I am not that blasé that I think it won't take long etc etc.
My son is same age. He's just come off the boob and I feel like I have so much of myself and my life back.
Does she get ratty about 5? That's my problem, our schedules sound v similar to yours but I have to get him another 30 minutes in around 5/5.30 by any means possible which often means up the road and back in the car (I do now how wrong this is but I don't have to do it for any other nap so it's survival tactics)
I also cannot bath him before bed it livens him up too much and he uses up that last ounce of energy then is too tired (^too^ tired, are you taking the piss child I am the one who is too tired)
Sleep has gone to shit a little lately having to give him a bottle maybe 11,3, and sometimes 5 - as his teeth are all over the show and standing up / throwing things out of his cot is all the rage.
Also as you've said if teeth are an issue some calpol or similar should help her stay asleep and settled.
May sound stupid but she is defo not too cold or hot? When the weather turned a few months ago we had a few awful nights and DS although felt fine was cold, I added a vest the next nights and he woke far less.
Back in august I finally cracked and did CC. Within a week (properly committing to it and not deviating from the instructions) he was a million times better. I always put him down asleep and he is always asleep within half hour usually with some playing / standing up in between.
I am making that sound a breeze bte it was not. It was horrid. I cried at one point. MIL drafted in for support - not my finest hour. It did teach me though that it's OK for him to be awake, unless he is in distress now I leave him. He plays, stands up, does whatever he wants and when he is ready lays down or I lay him down (he can get up but struggles getting down for some reason).
I totally get you want to be there for her every need, and having BF I do get that you are 'on tap' but snacking regularly like that must be bloody exhausting for you and is so not necessary. Maybe you need to give yourself permission for this to stop? I don't know if you express or combi but I really believe that getting her off you and on a bottle even if only a few night feeds will help massively.
I also brought my DS to bed regularly because to be frank I couldn't sit up any more and just fed him laying down so I could go back to sleep but once I gave myself a talking to that all stopped and he was so much better for it.
I feel so much empathy for you because honestly it's just so shit when they're tired and refuse to sleep - I really hope whatever you do or whatever you choose to try you see some results soon and things feel better for you.