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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
Original poster
wonagold · 10/01/2017 11:42

Wow! Thanks everyone. I don't know, he was my best friend before we dated and he was a really great friend. He says if it was just allergies or just asthma he would be fine but then together means he could end up in hospital. I have obviously stuck to my guns and said I'm sorry but the dog comes first, he will take offence to that, but I don't really know what else to say.

As for finding what I like and having some fun first, I'm a bit unfortunate in the looks department! I don't have a massive choice of people! Haha!

Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 10/01/2017 11:45

You must pick the dog and if you still want to live with your boyfriend then he will have to wait. No caring person who loved you would expect you to get rid of the dog you have loved for so long. You KNOW your dog and you are compatible, and that there is a strong bond..You don't know that about your boyfriend.
I am not even sure he is the right one if he has even asked you to get rid of your dog.
When my DP moved in with me he had a dog. I didn't want a dog but I would never have asked him to get rid of it. I loved him enough to accept that the dog came with him.

If he had moved in before he got a dog and then wanted to get one I would probably have disagreed.
I know your boyfriend claims to have allergies but he should still realise that you cannot put a dog down for him to live with you,

DearMrDilkington · 10/01/2017 11:45

Right choice op! I wish more people would see their pets in the same way you see your dog. There would be a lot less animals in shelters.

I hope you have many more lovely years with your poochSmile.

Original poster
wonagold · 10/01/2017 11:46

Oh and I absolutely don't expect him to put up with the allergies or dog fur etc. but that's why I said we could wait. He wants it to be now too because he finishes uni soon and obviously wants somewhere to live which I don't mind, but obviously only if I keep my baby girl :)

OP posts:
hungryhippo90 · 10/01/2017 11:46

Piglet, I've read through the thread, I've seen Your DM has also quite severe allergies, I'm not saying that it would work for your DM, but I have year round allergies, not just to pets, but also to dust, during the hay fever season... I can't pinpoint the exact causes, just that my allergies are very, very bad. They have triggered an asthma attack (only once luckily!)
People do tend to think that allergies = a small sniffle.
it isn't like that for me, not at all.
The only way I can keep myself from being unwell is using my pumps, antihistamines and spray religiously, if I miss one dose, I'll suffer.

Original poster
wonagold · 10/01/2017 11:52

Person who wanted a picture!

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?
OP posts:
Chattymummyhere · 10/01/2017 11:53

You will just have to wait to live together. However you should try some over nights/holidays before agreeing to move in anyway.

I'm allergic to cats (recently found out) I don't get the sniffles or runny eyes I come out in a head to toe rash, which antihistamine and prescribed cream couldn't clear up or stop getting worse until I was 100% away from the cat, I can be in the same room/house briefly as a cat but over night and I would be a itchy rashy mess. Not every allergy is the same or reacts the same.

mummyof2pr · 10/01/2017 11:54

Not sure if this has been answered already but what type of dog do you have? Some dogs are actually considered to by hypo allergenic! I'm also pretty sure there are specific allergy medications he can get prescribed that will help him as well as an inhaler for the asthma. I'm not saying he should have to take medicine everyday in order to live with you, but if he is the one and loves you and wants it to work I think it would be fair for him to try!

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2017 11:58

I have various allergies to animal hair. Anyone who wouldn't pick me over their pet certainly wouldn't be my ideal lifetime partner. So keep the dog, ditch him and you can both go on and find someone more suitable to live your life with.

Newyear4me · 10/01/2017 11:58

Aww your baby girl is soooo gorgeous! So glad you are keeping her. :)

Katy07 · 10/01/2017 12:04

That is a seriously cute doggy face Grin
That's even worth struggling to breathe for!

MiddleClassProblem · 10/01/2017 12:04

Gorgeous! And I bet you're not unfortunately! Either way it doesn't mean this is your only chance at love. Don't feel that!

1horatio · 10/01/2017 12:08

What a gorgeous girl!

However, you are 21. You're really young, the dog is old.

So, I'd suggest you find a dog sitter so you can spend the nights with your partner sometimes. And if you love each other waiting a few years won't be a problem.

That dog was there for you in really difficult time, for him to even suggest that you should give her away... idk. It's horrible imo.

Evilstepmum01 · 10/01/2017 12:10

Awww, your dog is beautiful!! Theres a wee face that gets you out of bed when you dont want to face the world!!

Give her a hug from me!

caz323 · 10/01/2017 12:12

Oh, she is BEAUTIFUL!! And what's your girl's name?

ijustwannadance · 10/01/2017 12:20

he finishes uni soon and wants somewhere to live

Then he can find himself somewhere else.
Dog free.

GahBuggerit · 10/01/2017 12:21

" He wants it to be now too because he finishes uni soon and obviously wants somewhere to live"

Have I actually just read that?

He sounds like a proper wanker, sorry to be blunt but hes prob seen a great opportunity to cock lodge for a few years

Run, run for your life. or just say no, he'll have to wait, his reaction will tell you all you need to know

miserablesod · 10/01/2017 12:25

Pick the dog, if the bloke really wants you he'll wait to move in with you afew more years.

NoSuchThingAsTooMuchCoffee · 10/01/2017 12:31

Hi OP - as someone who has been recently diagnosed with a dog dander allergy, just adding my two cents.

We got a dog last spring (he's been with us 8 months. Can't believe it's only 8 months...I can't imagine life without him now!).

I've always been 'atopic' - have eczema, hay fever etc (June weddings in fields are absolute hell for me!). Never knew I had a pet allergy though as had never had a dog before.

Allergies often take a while to develop after prolonged exposure, and sure enough, after about four months of having the dog with us, one day my eyes were red, my throat was closing up and my nose was blocked constantly. Hey presto, from that day onwards - dog allergy!

I knew what it was, but got an IgE test done at the GPs anyway. Results came back and my allergy was 'off the scale', GP said. He told me the best remedy was to remove the dog (was equally ambivalent about the efficacy of immunotherapy as another poster's GP had said), but I am very happy to say that we haven't had to.

My allergy is much more manageable now due to a number of steps taken (and advice I found on MN too, so sharing what I found now). Obviously I don't know how allergic your DP is (he can very easily get the immunoglobulin test done and find out), but here's what I did:

  • buy a (v expensive, but v effective) HEPA air filter. Mine was circa £200. Worthwhile if choice is DP or dog!
  • wash dog weekly with anti allergy shampoo
  • wash clothes and bedding with anti allergy detergent
  • take an antihistamine daily (no evidence of anything wrong with long term use)
  • Antiallergen products eg. PetalCleanse - you can get sprays for furniture and wipes for the dog
  • inhaler and nasal sprays like Flixonase if necessary

These steps have helped me immeasurably. I get my DH to do the grooming and vacuuming as doing so stirs the dander up.

Wooden floors are best.

If he's not at anaphylactic-shock-levels of a dander allergy, the prognosis (from my own experience) is good.

We haven't had to get rid of our beloved dog.

RubbishMantra · 10/01/2017 12:32

"As for finding what I like and having some fun first, I'm a bit unfortunate in the looks department! I don't have a massive choice of people!"

The above has me wondering you could be settling for him, rather than being "The One", if this is how you feel about yourself. Does he do/say anything to make you feel good about yourself? I'd be willing to bet you're not unfortunate in the looks department.

And it's interesting that he deems that you've reached the right "stage" in your relationship to be moving in together, coinciding with him needing to find somewhere to live. Have you spent several consecutive nights together? Do you have your own place already, or would you be looking for a new place together?

Value yourself the same way you value your lovely dog. From the little you've written about your bf, I don't think I'd want to be with him even if I didn't have to choose between him and my dog. (In my case cats) I think you've dodged a bullet tbh.

dannyglick · 10/01/2017 12:35

My dog would absolutely come first.

NoSuchThingAsTooMuchCoffee · 10/01/2017 12:35

PS. For some reason, cat allergies are generally much more 'vicious' than dog allergies - no idea why, but I learned that from my research. Again, if he's met your dog and seems 'okayish' then seems unlikely he's in the rush to hospital brigade. As I discovered, it's not yes/no with dog dander allergies - there's literally a scale/spectrum of severity, and he can get this checked out.

harshbuttrue1980 · 10/01/2017 12:37

Its a difficult one. I can't imagine parting with my pets so can see your point, but what would you do if you had a baby and they ended up having an allergy? Its not always as simple as saying that pets always come first

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2017 12:43

"He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill."
Then he needs to not be there. That he would put you in that position of having to consider rehoming an elderly and much loved dog (I'm giving him the benefit if the doubt, I suspect he actually meant for you to put your dog down) shows a complete disregard for you. If he loved you he wouldn't have said that.

"I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship."
Again with the pushing you to do something you don't want to do. He sounds like one selfish fucker.

For comparison - I had cats when I met my husband. They gave him asthma. Not bad asthma, just very mild. He dealt with it by not handling them and discouraging them from coming near him. At no point did he suggest the cats should go, and he lived with my cats for eight years.

1horatio · 10/01/2017 12:46

I have a cat. Love her to bits.

But to everybody not me or my mother she is a mean, crotchety old cow (she really is this way).

DH was ok with the car and actually invested hours (and expensive cat treats) in getting her to like him.