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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
RubbishMantra · 10/01/2017 12:46

Yes, but it's not just the allergy harsh, it's OP's bf's attitude. He seems to want everything on his own terms. And it's a completely different scenario. He's a grown up, not a child and they don't yet live together.

OP, is he your first serious bf?

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/01/2017 12:47

Oh dear Christ I missed this OP.

"He wants it to be now too because he finishes uni soon and obviously wants somewhere to live"
I reiterate - he sounds like one selfish fucker. One selfish manipulative fucker. It's all about him and what is convenient for him, and there is nothing in his demands that is about you. Not only would I not move in with him now, I would dump him.

GinIsIn · 10/01/2017 12:47

Gorgeous dog!!

The thing is, he SAYS that about the allergies and asthma but he hasn't ever tried - never even popped a few antihistamine and then come round just for 20 mins?

He seems to want everything on his terms - it's convenient for HIM because he is finishing uni, HE says it's just what couples do. There are supposed to be 2 of you in the relationship, and the fact he is clearly prioritising himself speaks volumes in terms of him not being The One....

dannyglick · 10/01/2017 12:57

Your dog looks beautiful, and of course so innocent and trusting.
So glad you are not letting her down.

hungryhippo90 · 10/01/2017 13:01

Your dogs gorgeous!

Can I also note, I'm pretty sad reading that you think you look the way you say.

I bet you look lovely.

I'm pretty ghastly looking, but I've never struggled to find partners, even with serious weight issues! I've never struggled to find new partners. So please don't think he's the only option for you.

Don't feel you ever need to settle!

TwitterQueen1 · 10/01/2017 13:08

"he finishes uni soon and obviously wants somewhere to live"

Seriously?????!!!!!

So he's decided you'll do as long as you get rid of your dog.

Please, please, please don't accommodate him, don't put up with him, he's using you.

HecateAntaia · 10/01/2017 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minivaperviper · 10/01/2017 13:16

Op pick the dog, your dp obv wants somewhere to live since he is leaving uni and he is thinking logically to move in with you regardless of if you are ready and expecting you to make sacrifices for the pleasure of having him.
You are 21 and still young with no need to settle down and don't put yourself down and settle for him, there is someone for everyone and as you age that someone changes to another one.

I'd say this is a real test of your rl and he is failing at the first run.

I had a dp partner with an allergy to cats and asthma and if he enhaled a hair he would wheeze for days or if it got in his eye it would swell up but he love's cats and so we got one. He would take antihistamines for a while but he eventually built a resistance to the cat and his allergies lessened. Never stopped his athma obviously but it wasn't wholly cat related iyswim.

My sil has and even worse allergy with a natural distrust of cats, she's allergic to cat wee from a distance even, but it hasn't stopped her topping herself up before visiting me and one time there was an impromptu visit and she was surprised she wasn't reacting to my cat, my cat has also successfully got her to like cats coz my cat's a people loving hussy

RoseGoldHippie · 10/01/2017 13:16

You will be more inconsolable if you choose your bf over your dog. Trust me, there is something about rehoming a much loved pet which can devestate a person.

YANBU!

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2017 13:16

I don't think anyone should be encouraging medication as a solution. Allergies tend to get worse not better.

Reasonable to have a conversation about moving in together, but perhaps even if you were to move in together, would the dog be left for long periods or is she at the moment in a family where there are lots of people in the house?

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2017 13:18

Not everyone can take antihistamines either! It affects my DHs heart rhythm!

Greyponcho · 10/01/2017 13:25

I must admit that at first I was a little "hmm, not his brightest moment, but the dog isn't going to live forever, I can see why this is tough", but since the 'leaving uni and wanting somewhere to live' aspect - get rid of him!!
He doesn't really mean that it's the stage in the relationship where you take things further by moving in, he means it's the stage in his life where he wants somewhere convenient and cheap to live, and have his selfish arse looked after by someone - I.e. YOU.
Also a bit Hmm at his convenient 'allergies'

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2017 13:31

How are his allergies convenient? Surely if they didn't exist he just move his "selfish arse" in so he had somewhere cheap to live with the OP to look after him. Confused

YouHadMeAtCake · 10/01/2017 13:32

Just read *he obviously wants somewhere to live" wow. Tell him to fuck off. I've never hated someone I have not met but this guy makes me fuming! Your dog is gorgeous , your boyfriend is a selfish nasty bellend and you'd be well rid. I'm surprised you'd even have to weigh this up. Dog 1 - Cocklodger 0

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2017 13:44

I suspect the idea of moving in has occurred as he is in a position to do so. That's not unreasonable. Just like some things have a natural flow. He's saying, now is a good time for him and the other half of the dialogue should be is it a good time for you? Obviously, you've decided, not.

I think it's harsh to judge someone for opening a dialogue!

HappyFlappy · 10/01/2017 13:55

I'm a bit unfortunate in the looks department! I don't have a massive choice of people! Haha!

Wonagold - don't ever think that you have to settle for second-best just because you aren't ivied high (hell's teeth - showing my age there!). I look a lot better from behind myself, and nearly settled for a bloke who I wasn't much attracted to, though he was a lovely man, as much because my family convinced me that I wouldn't get another chance as no-one else would look twice at me.

However, I came to my senses and decided that if I didn't really want him, it wasn't fair to either of us. And a few years later met and married the lovely man who has been my DH for the past 37 years. He also married a lovely girl a couple of years after we separated , and had a family. And it was best for both of us.

If this man really is the one for you, he will understand, and he will be prepared to wait for you, and support you emotionally, and save for your future together. And if that happens, then your relationship will be all the stronger for it.

HappyFlappy · 10/01/2017 13:56
  • ivied high - this should say 'Vivien Leigh"

Well done, autocorrect! You outshone yourself there.

HappyFlappy · 10/01/2017 13:59

BTW - I don't agree that he's just looking for cheap lodgings, and I think it's insulting to you to suggest that, but I do think that he sounds controlling and selfish, and you should get to know him a lot better before you let him move in with you (and your dog).

ColdTeaAgain · 10/01/2017 14:05

Sorry have not RTFT thread but had to comment...

My mum died when I was I my early 20's. Our dog truly helped us get through the darkest times.

I will never forget the times when she placed her head in my lap when I was crying or feeling low.

I will never forget the long walks we took just the two of us, escaping the world and feeling free.

I will never forget the way she made us all laugh when it seemed like there was nothing to smile about.

That dog was a healer and a friend. Sadly she is now gone too but I could never have parted with her until it was her time to go. If this guy is a keeper then he would understand how important your dog is to you.

TaraCarter · 10/01/2017 14:13

I don't like dogs. But in your position, I'd pick the dog.

There's a lot that's been said already, but one further point:

if you seriously, truly believe this man is The One (personally, I think he's an entitled bellend), don't get rid of the dog. Starting cohabiting by having your dog put down? That resentment would poison your relationship for the rest of your lives.

WashBasketsAreUs · 10/01/2017 14:25

My daughter was living with a chap, he wasn't keen on dogs but she said it was both of them or neither.
They moved in (with dog) he grew fond of the dog, all lovely lovely.
One night he lost his temper as his watch wasn't working, the dog happened to come in with muddy feet on the clean floor he had just washed so he kicked her. She's nearly 13.
My daughter grabbed the dog, got some stuff and walked out. It took him a long time to realise what he'd done, (eleventy billion fucking messages of how sorry he was etc etc)
They're not together any more, two years they were together. Her dog is for life, end of.

BlueKarou · 10/01/2017 14:25

If I were you I would pick the dog, without hesitation. Heck, I would pick my horrible 2 year old sofa-destroying lurcher over an allergic partner.

What precisely does he want you to do with your dog, PTS? Rehome?

I would think of it this way; choosing him would mean effectively choosing never to have another dog. That would be non-negotiable for me, even without the issue of your current dog.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/01/2017 14:45

YDNBU. Hes not just a dog. Hes your baby. Your whole world. Who helped you through the worse time if your life. Animals are loyal none judgemental and love you unconditionally. There's no way I'd choose my dog if I was lucky enough to have one over a boyfriend. Well he'd have to be bloody good man. And a good man wouldnt give you an ultimatum like that, and even in the unlikely event that you did choose him. You'd never forgive yourself.
And about him wanting your dog PTS.
No vet in the world would put a healthy dog to sleep, and certainly not simply because he says so.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/01/2017 14:52

Gold. She's gorgeous. Look at that little triangly face. Squeeeeeee

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2017 14:53

There really is no choice love. And I'm sorry you think that because you're not the most beautiful girl on the planet, you're opportunities for love are limited. Your heart and your soul are the beautiful and precious parts of you. Those are the things to nurture and love. Your dog doesn't see you how you see yourself. And she seems to yet still have much to teach you about how to love yourself. So hold on to her. And go and learn the lessons.