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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 10:01

So I'll be honest and say am not even sure this bloke is allergic or he'd literally not have gone near you in the first place

Sorry but that isn't true. Not all allergies affect people the same way. As per my previous posts about my DM.

Branleuse · 10/01/2017 10:08

hes asking you to move in together and to get rid of your elderly beloved dog, when you guys have never even spent a full night together??

Hes not the one

PurpleMinionMummy · 10/01/2017 10:09

I find it odd that he's never mentioned his severe allergy despite the fact you've been dating a while and you have a dog, and that he's never met your dog or been to your place.

I say choose the dog!

TwitterQueen1 · 10/01/2017 10:10

Thanks Katy and Middle

Sabistick · 10/01/2017 10:17

Do the sensible thing.

support Your Dog

In a years time how would you feel with him and no dog ? Guilty/sad/compromised?
In a years time, you will have your old friend and be dating a better person.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/01/2017 10:20

I have a friend who is asthmatic and severely allergic to cats. The first time we met I was in a brand new outfit bought that day, not having been home so it hadn't been exposed to cat. Her first words were, You have cats. She could smell cat or dog on a person.

Coming from another angle do you own your own him or do you live with your father or aunt. Also not to be too nosy do you have money or property that your dm left to you?

I think the only bit you have been unreasonable is you didn't give this person your marching orders the moment he suggested getting rid of your best friend.

Newyear4me · 10/01/2017 10:24

Pick the dog!

If he was "the one" he would be on the same page as you.

Quite frankly I don't trust people who don't like animals or have no empathy for them. There is something a bit off about these people.

  • Your bf has no empathy for animals ; being allergic is no excuse! My ex was allergic to animals and he was a massive animal lover. He would joke he only went to vist people to play with their pets. He volunteered at the local cat rescue.

Your dog if given away is going to be depressed and fret for you. Ask anyone who has ever spent time at an animal shelter how some of these animals are. We live in a throw away society where it's just easy to dump an animal on the street to starve to death or give it to a pound to be destroyed. Even in a no kill shelter it could be a very long wait. If you rehome it with someone you know, it's still not you. Animals love and miss us, as we do them. There was a story recently about a horse crying at it's owners funeral. Just because humans discard other human relationships, doesn't mean we should be doing it to dependant pure devoted loving pets.

-No empathy for you - you are going to be absolutely destroyed giving your dog away. How can he love you as much as you think if he is alright with that?

  • What if you break up ; how will you feel knowing you choose him over your dog who is a 100% committed to you?
  • How do you feel about never having a dog ever again? And your future children ( if you want them) never being able to experince the love of a dog? My DH is a big animal lover like me. We have indoor cats and dogs. They make me smile constantly like nothing else. My husband and I had to help look after his parents dog litter and he loved doing it, despite several weeks of staying up all night. He said that animals and children need to be protected. It's very obvious my DH is going to be a wonderful dad.
  • If your bf thinks nothing of discarding your dog, how committed will he be in your relationship or with kids?

Have you ever noticed how things come to the surface that reveal things about people that we didn't notice before and it changes things. And later in hindsight, we look back and think omg I'm so thankful I found that out about so and so.

Quite frankly, I think the universe is giving you a very big signpost here.
You don't need to settle, you're only 21, you don't live with him, do it's not like you are dependant on him. Enjoy your dog and when THE ONE does appear, don't be surprised if he is someone who loves dogs and not allergic to them and is sensitive to their needs and feelings. My ex wasn't a horrible man and for many years I thought he was the one. I'm so glad now he wasn't. As I'm super excited at my future kids meeting my fur babies and my fur babies meeting them and thinking how spoilt my kids will be to have the best pets ever! :)

roundandroundthehouses · 10/01/2017 10:26

I don't even like dogs and I think you should stick with your faithful old girl. He's asking you to give up too much of yourself. A better man would wait it out for the time she's got left. Even aside from your dog, however, the whole thing does seem too rushed and too much on his terms. Keep your integrity, and your lovely dog.

Nanny0gg · 10/01/2017 10:28

You'd never forgive yourself and you'd hate him.

And I'd need 'proof' of allergies/reactions anyway.

Don't do it.

Glittermakeseverythingbetter · 10/01/2017 10:37

OP 21 IS still very young. Talking about moving in with someone you have never spent a full night with!?
I am not a dog lover at all, but seriously you need to pick the dog. If he is 'the one' he will wait.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/01/2017 10:49

For those that say they live joyful lives not ever having a dog I am sure you do but once you have owned a dog there is no going back.

caz323 · 10/01/2017 10:52

What a horrible situation! OP, you sound like a lovely young lady and I'm sorry for you've been through in your young life. This man is not for you, Love! He has issued the lady he supposedly loves with a hideous ultimatum - knowing it would break your heart. I suspect an underlying jealousy issue here aswell. You obviously have a very deep and lovely bond with your dear old girl and that's very touching. It's very clear that she has been your world, as you say. And long may it continue! I bet she's adorable. X
And to the poster who lost her beloved dog last week: So sorry for your loss - I know how much it hurts. X

50shadesofknackered · 10/01/2017 10:56

The fact that your partner has Asthma and (maybe) allergies is reason enough for him to not want pets. However, the fact he is demanding that you put your dog to sleep (which is how I read it) and demanding that you live together now are very worrying. He sounds very controlling and tbh if I were you I'd run for the hills. This is who he is, he will continue to demand, control and bully you into doing things he wants. Sorry if u have answered this, I haven't rtft but I think you must be quite young op, please think carefully about taking this relationship further. Any man who is good enough to be 'the one' should not be behaving this way. He would realise how precious your dog is to you and be prepared to wait. You don't do things in relationships just because you are at 'that stage', what bullshit! You do it because you both feel ready to take the next step, imo you don't sound ready. Nobody should be trying to control your life, you can do better!

hungryhippo90 · 10/01/2017 11:08

Why can't he take up a routine of allergy medications?
I have severe allergies, not even sure what I'm allergic to, but I know dust and pet hair are pretty huge triggers for me (I'm a pet carer! Yay me!)

Tell him to start using a beconaze spray, his asthma inhalers plus an antihistamine. Within a few weeks he will feel good as new.

There's no reason you need to give either of them up.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:13

For those that say they live joyful lives not ever having a dog I am sure you do but once you have owned a dog there is no going back.

A bit patronising.

My DH had dogs growing up and as an adult. We don't have a dog.

Are you telling me his life is now 'joyless' because we don't have a dog Hmm

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:14

Tell him to start using a beconaze spray, his asthma inhalers plus an antihistamine. Within a few weeks he will feel good as new.

Are you a GP? That doesn't work for everyone!

Goingtobeawesome · 10/01/2017 11:15

I thought it was obvious I meant that once you have had a dog there is a huge hole when they've gone and you have more joy having another

Can't help people who don't think.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:17

I thought it was obvious I meant that once you have had a dog there is a huge hole when they've gone and you have more joy having another

That wasn't what was said though was it.

Can't help people who don't think.

I think perfectly well Confused

Evilstepmum01 · 10/01/2017 11:20

Dear dog! Pick your best friend OP! Your loyal, trusting friend who has been there for you and now needs you to be there for her in the autumn of her life.
Your BF is BU totally and I think you know it.
My lovely old dog was about 11 when I met my now DH and I told him that she came first. Even when we had a baby, she was still my priority as she was very ill just after DS's birth, so I had to look after her as well as our son.
Like your dog, she gave me the best years of my life, so it was up to me to make sure she had the best in her final years. We lost her two years ago and I still love her so much it hurts. DH knows this, he understands because he loves me. Its a shame your BF doesnt appear to understand you.

Bugger. Crying now :(

hungryhippo90 · 10/01/2017 11:21

Piglet- that's what I was recommended by a GP, it's what i do, and have had to do year round for the past few years.

The next step is immunotherapy? Which is quite hit and miss, from what my Dr tells me atleast. The Dr reccommended the most fail safe route of treatment seeing as i suffer from such bad allergies.

Goingtobeawesome · 10/01/2017 11:24
Hmm
PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:26

hungry are you asthmatic?

hungryhippo90 · 10/01/2017 11:30

Yes!!! Similarly to OPs partner. Asthma and allergies.

StarrySparkles · 10/01/2017 11:30

If any man dared to tell me it was a choice between him and my dog then he would be dumped in a heartbeat. My dog isnt just my dog he is a part of my family and has helped me more than any human has with everything ive been through. YADNBU

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 11:40

Yes!!! Similarly to OPs partner. Asthma and allergies.

Glad it has worked for you. Smile

It didn't work for my DM and as I have said it has landed her in hospital very ill.