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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
CondensedMilkSarnies · 10/01/2017 08:57

If you're at the 'moving in together stage' then you should know everything about this chap , but you don't - you didn't know about his allergies , so you don't know him really. If you don't know someone then you don't move in with them.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/01/2017 09:03

You're 21, guessing he is a similar age. If he can't wait a few years for you then what does that say. Plenty of couples who start dating at uni don't move in with each other after and wait a few years due to jobs, finding their own feet. Yours is for your dog. I could never give mine up for anyone. I want to be with them until they breathe their last breath if possible. I think about when my eldest lab (11) has her last days coming and if ok to do, the things I will treat her too.

I feel like when the time comes he also won't be that supportive or understand the bond and think it's just a dog.

Do you really believe there is "the one" for everyone? If he was he would wait. He could be being naive if he is also young too. It could be that this breaks you up but you get back together in 5 years time.

But what if you gave up your dog and then you two eventually broke up anyway? I would regret that time.

YoHoHoandabottleofTequila · 10/01/2017 09:08

How allergic is he? How does he manage his allergy, and if he's never been to yours how does he know if he can manage?

expatinscotland · 10/01/2017 09:09

What confused said. Get rid of your boyfriend.

Maxwellthecat · 10/01/2017 09:10

Pick the dog.

An old dog relies on you completely and you are their entire world. Can you imagine the guilt you would feel if you let her down when she's been there for you through thick and thin. I actually think at that age it would be kinder to get her pts than break her heart putting her in kennels. I went to uni when my dog was 11 and even though he stayed in the family home the guilt I felt for leaving him was immeasurable, so I can't imagine how you'd feel if you actually got rid of her because you wanted to live with a boyfriend.

If the boyfriend is the one he will understand, he will listen to you and hear how much this dog means to you and will delay living together.

Pets can't stick up for themselves they are entirely at your mercy you, you can't just get rid because something better comes along.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 10/01/2017 09:13

Of course you should pick your dog. He definitely isn't the one if he thinks it's fair to suggest that, asthma or not.

(I have asthma but wouldn't want anyone to give up family members for me.)

PineappleExpress · 10/01/2017 09:15

I agree 100% with Confused.
Major red flags for me, and I would never get rid of my dog just to move in with someone. He's just turned 6, but has been there for me as a protector and for comfort through a lot of bad times, and I know he'd be as lost without me as I would be without him.

OCSockOrphanage · 10/01/2017 09:16

Take the dog. She's not going to impose conditions on love.

scottishdiem · 10/01/2017 09:16

If he is saying its me or the massively important dog then he is in no way at the stage of moving in together with you. That is arrogant, selfish and in no way considerate of you. He needs to back the way off. Regardless of your feelings for him, try to look dispassionately at what he is saying here and realise that he does not value you as much as you do him.

If he cannot wait until whenever the joint home would be dog free then he is not worth it. Also, you will miss having a dog when one is no longer there.

Also, my DP has bad asthma but we have two dogs. We clean a lot, I brush the dogs a lot and DP has medication.

2dogsonthesofa · 10/01/2017 09:17

Dog every time. Have you asked this charmer what he thinks you should do with the dog? Would he have her put to sleep, does he really want to ask you to take your dog to the vet and ask them to do it? Does he really think rescues have room for every dog that has become an inconvenience ( to him, I know not to you) You are clearly a dog lover, he gives ultimatums, think hard about the future.

morningconstitutional2017 · 10/01/2017 09:21

YANBU but if he loses you because he can't accept your dog despite his allergies maybe it just wasn't meant to be. The wrong men come and go but the right one will stick.

FemelleReynard · 10/01/2017 09:24

Sack off the boyfriend. Stick with the dog. You will never have a more faithful, loyal friend than you're dog. I would 100% choose my dog.

StarryIllusion · 10/01/2017 09:32

Dog 100% Anyone asking me to give her up would be kicked to the kerb. If he really loved you, he would be willing to wait until she passed naturally before moving in. The fact that he is pushing you to choose suggests to me that he is very controlling and has no empathy for others. He doesn't care how it will make you feel to lose her or that no rescue will take her and she will be pts if surrendered. How people treat animals is usually a huge indicator of their overall personality. I refused to go out with someone once because I saw him kick out at a pidgeon. It wasn't hurting him, was not interested in him in the slightest but he just kicked it out of boredom/to get it to go away. Do I want to be with someone who hurts living creatures just for fun? Fuck no! Massive red flags op, I'd run a mile.

Bonkers2011 · 10/01/2017 09:36

How would you feel if you got rid of the dog, he moved in and then 6 months down the line you split up?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 09:39

if he loses you because he can't accept your dog despite his allergies

It isn't always about 'just accepting the dog'. For people like my DM, and others on this thread it is a real and dangrouse health risk. It isn't something sort of 'choice'.

MiddleClassProblem · 10/01/2017 09:44

PigletWasPoohsFriend it is if he is saying they have to move in. They're 21 or there abouts. It's quite young for a now or break up ultimatum.

TwitterQueen1 · 10/01/2017 09:45

As someone who had to put their beloved dog to sleep last Friday, I would 100% say ditch the boyfriend, keep the dog.

For anyone - no matter how much they say they love you - to even suggest getting rid of the dog would immediately show me they are most definitely not 'the one'. It shows a desire/need to control, it shows callousness and selfishness.

Do not move in with this man.

Katy07 · 10/01/2017 09:45

I'd have dumped anyone who suggested I give up my dog (or cat).

Katy07 · 10/01/2017 09:45

TwitterQueen Flowers

MiddleClassProblem · 10/01/2017 09:49

Sorry for your loss, Twitter Flowers

JoffreyBaratheon · 10/01/2017 09:50

Dog, every time. And, as others say, the fact he's trying to get you to PTS your beloved pet (as that's how I read it) is enough to make you run for the hills.

I have asthmatic family members, and my mum died of asthma. I'm here to tell you that if one my asthmatic relatives - who is also allergic to horses, of all things - even goes near a person who has been near or touched a horse - his symptoms spiral so quickly you'd be in no doubt. (ie: His eyes look like a frog's and his whole face swells!) So I'll be honest and say am not even sure this bloke is allergic or he'd literally not have gone near you in the first place, without it being very, very obvious and even touching you would make him ill. In other words - he might not be entirely truthful.

PeterRabbitPie · 10/01/2017 09:54

Pick the dog. It sounds to me that he is hinting for her to be PTS, if that is the case then he is a wanker and not the sort of man you want to be with. Why has he not mentioned his allergies before? Asthma alone wouldn't necessarily be a problem.

dowhatnow · 10/01/2017 09:55

I think some people only have a mild allergy if they can "sniff their way through the day"
There is no way I could live with a cat. It would hospitalise or kill me, however I still think he is being very unreasonable.

Worst case scenario is that he sees you as a free meal ticket and wants the free accommodation sooner rather than later. Best case scenario is he is lacking in empathy and to him getting rid of a beloved pet isn't a big deal.

Either way, you need to choose the dog.

21 is still very young. You've been without your mothers love fie so long. Be careful that you aren't just looking for someone to replace this and settle for anyone who shows you love. You have to use your head as well as your heart. You need the complete package. Someone who will put your needs first if need be. Someone who is good for you on practically as well as emotionally.

There are always going to be men who see you as more attractive if you have assets or a house. Be wary, anyone worth their salt will wait until you are ready.

LeninaCrowne · 10/01/2017 09:56

Another vote for stick with the dog!
I agree with Bonkers - what if you end up rehoming/euthanasing the dog and then you split up shortly after - he won't care one bit but you will feel terrible.
Also, your boyfriend sounds like he has the potential to be very controlling and demanding - everything has to be to his timetable. You have to move in now or else...its him or the dog...not one for compromise is he!
Also the fact, you have to go back to your place at 2 in the morning - he's not worried about your safety much.

KatharinaRosalie · 10/01/2017 10:01

Many people just don't like animals on furniture/carpets/shedding hair indoors - true, and those people should not live with people who have animals. But if this is the case, it's really mean to pretend it's your allergies and nothing you can do..