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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pick my dog over my boyfriend?

427 replies

wonagold · 10/01/2017 02:30

My mum passed away when I was 13, my dog brought me so much love and comfort, she really made me heal (she got me through the teen years!) and she is absolutely my world. I have been very good friends with someone for a while now and we began dating, he knew I had a dog and it was fine, but we have been speaking about moving in together and he says he couldn't live with a dog due to his allergies mixed with asthma, I knew he had asthma, but he never said anything about his allergies. My dog is now 11 and is expected to live 12-15, he says that I have given her a good life and I feel like he is trying to get me to get rid of her Sad that would never happen, but it's sad he thinks that's okay, she is getting older now and really needs me. My aunt who I am quite close to has said that he could be the one, which I agree, he very much is, I love him a hell of a lot. It's so hard. I have said that we don't need to move in with each other right now, but he says we are at that stage in the relationship. He says the only choice would be for him or the dog to not be there, as it would make him to ill. I wouldn't be unreasonable to pick my dog would I??

OP posts:
kilmuir · 10/01/2017 14:57

Allergies my arse
YANBU

paddypants13 · 10/01/2017 15:00

My ecbf used to moan about my dogs all the time. Really he was just a commitment phobic and wanted any excuse. I laughed in his face when he suggested getting rid of them. I adopted them from a rescue centre as elderly dogs and I made a commitment to love them until the end. Needless to say the dogs outlasted the man. He isn't the one if he tries to make you give up your dog.

YouHadMeAtCake · 10/01/2017 15:04

headhive have you even read the OPs posts? He's asking her to get rid of her beloved dog for his selfish needs. I hope you don't have pets if you think it's unfair to judge him. I'm judging you right now for either not reading or being obtuse.

KindDogsTail · 10/01/2017 15:14

You would not be unreasonable to pick your dog.

Continue with your relationship but live apart for the few years left of rest of her life. If your boyfriend shows any sign of making a fuss, whatever your aunt said, I do not think "He is the one." He simply does not understand you.

This dog may be almost as much your friend. or your child, as any human could be and she came into your life before he did.

You may wish to question whether living without a dog for the rest of your life, after your beloved friend has died, would be the right for you to do.

AtSea1979 · 10/01/2017 15:21

I rehomed my dog. He was around same age as yours. Not because a bf asked me to but because I was homeless and struggling and I thought ddog was better off with a family who could look after him better. It haunts me to this day, almost 20 years later. I went to visit ddog about a year later at the 'nice' families house. They had him a couple of months then put him in a dogs home when their DC got bored and reality hit them. The not knowing what happened to him is awful.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2017 15:25

AtSea

. I'm so sorry for you and your dog. That is such a sad story.

Oliversmumsarmy · 10/01/2017 15:28

Wonagold just seen your post about your looks.
I have a friend who without outing her has a problem with her face due to heavy due to a problem during her birth. She is very overweight and as she admits looks like the back end of a bus. She has been married three times. She is on good terms with her 2 exhs and has been with her current one 30 years. All her partners are drop dead gorgeous.

Don't undersell yourself there is a perfect dog lover out there for you

KindDogsTail · 10/01/2017 15:29

I've read more of the thread, and seen your dog. Absolutely no way should you get rid of your dog, but maybe do think carefully about whether your boyfriend is right at all for you.

I also bet you are lovely but don't realise it, and so may be trying to make your boyfriend be the one, when he isn't. He may be undermining your confidence too for all we know.

There may well be a nicer person out there who would love you and your dog.

Loaferloveforyou · 10/01/2017 15:33

There is no way on earth you should give up your dog for this guy. No way.

Although if you do decide to pick him over your dog then I'm sure I could make a lovely home for her, she's gorgeous! Grin

FloofyDoof · 10/01/2017 15:39

He sounds like an arse. AN unempathetic (not sure that's a word), controlling arse at that. I'd sack him off and get a second dog instead! There's plenty of non-arse guys out there that would love you AND your dog.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 10/01/2017 15:45

his selfish needs

Hmm People illnesses are not 'selfish needs.

I agree that the OP should rethink her relationship but let's not start calling people's health selfish needs.

CorporalNobbyNobbs · 10/01/2017 15:56

Piglet I agree. I think it's perfectly reasonable for him not to want to share a home with a dog. I wouldn't compromise my health either.

What's unreasonable is the ultimatums and suggestion that she get rid of the poor dog.

TweedAddict · 10/01/2017 16:00

In an earlier post you said he never visits you at home. First off I would give this a go, someone people don't react too bad to certain dogs. My dad reacts hugely to my lab but not at all to my cocker. If the reaction isn't too bad, there's loads of things to try

A furminator to get the dogs under coat out,
Having the bedroom dog free
Regular washing of the dog and dog items
One of the best things is though is getting an allergy filter for the home, they are about £100 but having a few in the house will control it massively.
Then of course there is medication available for your BF

That would be my first steps, if that doesn't work then discuss for there but try those things first, it maybe not be as bad as he thinks.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 10/01/2017 16:03

Well that's a pretty unanimous vote for your lovely dog.

london333 · 10/01/2017 16:08

Yay - it's (nearly ) unanimous! - and that's rare on here.
The dog wins hands down (smile)

You have plenty of time to find the one OP - and someone who lacks in so much empathy may not be the right one for you.

WanderLustingLane · 10/01/2017 16:12

One other thing to consider, even if you wait to move in for a few years and your dad has passed away, would you be happy with a pet free life?
I genuinely would find it hard to know I could not have pets....I need them, my house isn't a home without them.

TitaniasCloset · 10/01/2017 16:13

This bf sounds awful and I'm really worried about your self esteem op.
Of course put the dog first.

But I'm not liking the sound of your bf at all. Be wary. I'm old and fat and am always surprised when my daughter or friend tells me a man likes me, but it turns out lots of them do.

I also lost my mum at a young age so I understand how vulnerable and lonely you must feel. I ended up in a dv marriage because I was so vulnerable. Take care of yourself.

honeyroar · 10/01/2017 16:13

Your dog is gorgeous! She's supported you through your hard times, and she loves you unconditionally, which is more than can be said for your boyfriend. Stay where you are. Let him move nearby, keep dating, give it more time. I don't think that he sounds like the one. (I get shivers in a bad way when I think back to who I thought was the one when I was 21!) But I couldn't be with someone who didn't like animals for the rest of my life.

And don't put yourself down. You come across as a lovely, caring person. you don't need to settle for the first person that will have you.

alltouchedout · 10/01/2017 16:20

I wouldn't live with a dog, or even want a serious relationship with someone who had a dog. I don't like dogs.
But OP, pick the damn dog. Even if she wasn't gorgeous and hadn't been with you through so much- you're a dog person, he's allergic to dogs: one of you will be unhappy throughout your relationship. And tbh he doesn't sound worth it.

notbankinonit · 10/01/2017 16:21

Also be aware that the 'allergy' could be a control technique. This is difficult to comprehend when you are young and relatively inexperienced in many matters.
I speak as someone who was forbidden to get a cat in a long term previous relationship, due to his 'allergy', but after we split, his next long term partner brought a cat whom he seems to live with quite happily!
A non animal lover will not understand that people can be distraught at losing an animal for whatever reason.

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2017 16:27

notbank sorry but that makes no sense. If you are living with someone and don't want to share your home with a cat, you can just say no, I don't want one. That's not controlling and you don't need an allergy to do it. Other person can then decide whether they prefer you or a cat.

Mehmehmeh19 · 10/01/2017 16:32

My dog all day long!

Headofthehive55 · 10/01/2017 16:47

I agree. It's not controlling to say I don't want to live with a dog.
I don't. I can't bear the thought that dogs are often left inside hours, whilst the owner is at work.

Not wanting the responsibility of a dog doesn't mean he is a nasty person. He might also be thinking its a deal breaker too!

BratFarrarsPony · 10/01/2017 16:49

It is not about him 'not wanting the responsibility' though is it?
He is telling his gf to get rid of her long term beloved pet so that he can move in.
Not really the same is it?

BarbarianMum · 10/01/2017 16:54

No, he is saying "If you want us to live together, the dog will have to go". Which is fair enough (nice and clear) and gives the OP the opportunity to say "I don't think so love."