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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Two faced

156 replies

piefacedClique · 08/01/2017 20:05

DS has a lovely group of friends who we go to play with and have food with once a week after school. It Started as a pair of mums and our boys and is now a little group of 5 mums and kids. We have never excluded anyone and no other parents have asked to tag along in the past. At Christmas we went to the pantomime together and had a great time. On our way home another mum texted and was really upset we had excluded her and her son. Son is not someone who our kids ever mentions or seems to play with. She called us a horrible clique and said we should all go fuck ourselves! It was directed at a quiet mum who has been an aquintance of this girl in the past. Today said mum has texted me (no one else) to see if there are any plans for a play date after school and if she can join! Ordinarily I would absolutely say yes come along but AIBU to tell her to piss off given that she was really rude and particularly two faced! It's really awkward as If I don't reply or say no it adds to her feeling like we are a clique (furthest thing from what we actually are) but if I say yes come along I know I will feel really pissed off and two faced and struggle to speak to her. I would never want to exclude a little one from playing but can't help feeling thoroughly pissed off! suggestions for a first time poster???

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 10/01/2017 07:46

But why hasn't QM shared the fact RM was trying to join the group ?

I dont know but maybe QM just didnt want her to join.Maybe she wants one group to herself.Plus RM isnt really her friend,i think shes more QM sisters friend.

Trifleorbust · 10/01/2017 08:11

I hate it when adults try to apply school yard standards to social interactions. "Excluding" her? FFS. You are not her friend so there was never any question of "including" her. There are adults all over the world who don't invite me places - I don't pull them up on it as if I have a right to be asked!

JoyfulAndTriumphant · 10/01/2017 09:13

Meh. Let her think you're a clique. Big deal. She sounds a pain in the arse anyway.

I'll take cliquey if it means not feeling forced to hang out with people I don't like, tbh.

Original poster

piefacedClique · 10/01/2017 13:53

Exactly joyful and trifle.

OP posts:

pollymere · 10/01/2017 18:01

She sounds lonely and desperate. I would love to be invited to the picnics in the park and other get togethers but have never got up the courage to ask. Someone probably said to her why do you want to join them anyway so she had a rant. Maybe invite them to a group thing and see how it goes but discuss with your friend first?

DagenhamRoundhouse · 10/01/2017 18:45

It's funny isn't it? Once someone becomes a parent you imagine they'll be grown up and mature and reasonable. But this is patently not the case.

JackLottiesMum · 10/01/2017 18:51

She doesn't sound like someone you would want as a friend but at the end of the day there are children involved - her child seems innocent of all this and risks being shunned for her actions by other children, your child has to spend time in class with her child etc.
I would give her a chance to resolve it by mentioning you were shocked by the text and that a first step would be for the conflict to be resolved first to clear the air. At the end of the day we are communication role models for our children - you make a good point about not being exclusive so you might find it better to show your child you are attempting to remain so and what you are doing to try and resolve conflict. In real life it's always better to try and resolve conflict first and then only shut people out if you have tried and need to give up for your own sake. That's the way I try and demonstrate things to my kids anyway.

Original poster

piefacedClique · 10/01/2017 21:50

I see your point JackLottiesMum. I think had it just been the first messages directed to us then it would be absolutely right to air the grievance and resolve however my gripe is that after I had texted her back where she explained how she felt and apologised she then did the same again to QF any sending her a second barrage of abuse.::. I think it will be a case of being civil but I think catch ups will be quite uncomfortable for a while. The kids are all completely unaware of any issue afaik.

OP posts:

almondfinger · 10/01/2017 21:58

From page 1 I thought Wendy. The suggestions that OP try to resolve it are ridiculous. QM has her reasons, most likely that she is not a fan of RM and so deals with it by trying to ignore her and hope she will go away. RM then tries it on with another of the group to see if she can get in that way. It's ridiculous. QM is being very dignified by her silence, RM texting about how she could mention previous conversations makes her sound like a nasty, vindictive piece of work.

I have met groups of mothers who became great little groups through antenatal classes. I met them in the park from time to time and went for coffee but was not jealous that they met more often without me. I am able to make my own friends without insulting members of the group I hope to join as my opening gambit!

Why are the OP and QM being told to be responsible for RM's inclusion. If she wants to, she can use the class social media to set up class playdates, mums nights out. She is never at pick up where the ad-hoc trips are mooted.

Why would I invite a child mine never mentions to play? There are 24 other children in the class. I'm sure her DC has their own friend and is not feeling remotely excluded.

RM sounds best avoided. TOTAL Wendy behaviour.

Original poster

piefacedClique · 10/01/2017 22:15

OP posts:

emmyrose2000 · 11/01/2017 05:01

RM isn't even in the group (yet) and she's (already) causing drama. Why would anyone want to include someone like that in what has been, up until now, a relaxed group of friends?

Not everyone has to be included all the time. The sooner RM grows up and realises that the better.

I too, had a main group of 4 other mums that I met through my kids' primary school and we had a fabulous time for about 4-5 years (We also all had other school mum friends outside this main group). It grew organically from 2 to 3, to 4 to 5. We also had a few other mums who'd come along every now and then. Then "She" came along. Suffice to say that a year later the group was in tatters and only a few combinations of us keep in contact (all our kids have moved on from that school). In hindsight I saw the warning signs, and the divide and conquer tactic RM is now employing is a great big huge red warning sign. Including RM in your group will spell utter disaster for you all.

I would remain civil with her if seeing her in person, but there's no way I'd invite RM along on any social activities. I'd ignore any future texts. The less she has in writing (so to speak) the better. If, however, you did want to send 1 final text, I'd say something along the lines of "after your rudeness to QM (and myself?) I don't think you'd be a good fit with these ladies". Then block her.

MrsBlennerhassett · 11/01/2017 05:09

I had a friend like ranty friend who would constantly bombard me with abuse then tell everyone i was the mean one for not speaking to her or inviting her to things. Your quiet friend is being bullied. Dont engage with this ranty woman. Im sure she may have a lot going on in her life to make her behave that way and you are right to feel sorry for her but please dont indulge her terrible behaviour. You cant berate and manipulate people into getting what you want.

SharkBrilliant · 11/01/2017 14:54

Sorry, but I think if QM is such a lovely person she should have been straight with RM that she wasn't interested in being friends anymore, rather than string her along as an "acquaintance/sisters friend" until making new friends and then ignore her texts like a coward It's pretty obvious that RM believed they were good friends, even if QM is playing it down. The fact that she just ignores RM's texts shows that QM hasn't been upfront about the situation.

PPs has classed RM as a bully because of these texts and QM is a total victim. You don't know the ins and outs of it and QM could have avoided this by being honest with the silly woman. I'm sure that we've all sent texts to exes and friends that wouldn't portray us in the best light if seen out of context.

That said, we're all grown ups and can be friends with whoever we like. Just be honest with her and say that you cba with her drama. Simple

Sprink · 11/01/2017 19:09

Sorry, but I think if QM is such a lovely person she should have been straight with RM

And how would that conversation have gone over, exactly? Do you think there would have been a better result from "I can't do with your drama" than there was from a simple lack of response?

If people are great friends and something goes wrong, I can see the need for a straightforward talk. But in most of the real world friendships form, sometimes tenuously, and naturally drift apart.

Romantic relationships are a separate thing altogether and "breaknups" are generally needed.

But the idea that QM and OP are somehow in the wrong for not specifically spelling out to RM what they don't like about her is unfair. Why should they?

SadTrombone · 11/01/2017 19:37

Maybe something like:

"Ordinarily I'd have said you are absolutely welcome to join us - however after the completely uncalled for tirade you sent to (X) on (Y) I'm afraid the answer is no.
This is unfortunate as we'd never normally exclude anybody but I'm sure you understand the reason."

EustaceClarenceScrubb · 11/01/2017 19:56

We have never excluded anyone and no other parents have asked to tag along in the past

But now we know from your update that this is not true. I think there is more to it than QM is letting on, it sounds like RM is very hurt and reacted badly to that. QM appears to be more involved than she first let on. Noone looks good in this.

Sentmeamonkey · 11/01/2017 20:08

Quite mum makes friends with ranty mum,they do stuff, hang out, quite mum then makes friends with the "clique" starts doing things with them more making no effort to include ranty mum. Ranty mum has a few drinks one night sees Facebook picture gets pissed off and has a rant. Just make an effort to include her water under the bridge and all that.

allowlsthinkalot · 11/01/2017 20:37

Sounds like QM has been friends with RM, been less than complimentary about the other mums, then ghosted RM and excluded her. Not so lovely. Doesn't excuse RM's behaviour either though.

Original poster

piefacedClique · 11/01/2017 20:39

We haven't actively excluded her as the majority of us didn't know she was texting EustaceClarenceSCrubb. QM may have been not bothering to pick up calls or texts but that's nothing to do with the rest of us! So struggle to see how we look bad. I get the whole water under the bridge argument too but equally.... she doesn't seem like my kind of people if that's how she reacts to things not going her way! Its hardly going to be a giggle! think it would be pretty uncomfortable!

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 11/01/2017 21:09

Her kids don't play with your kids.She doesn't do the school pick up.You would have nothing in common.Plus it makes me suspicious of RM she doesn't have friends for this reason.
It doesn't bode well if you invite her.You know if she's like this now and you don't know her.It doesn't stand RM in good light ght.

tuckmonster · 11/01/2017 21:09

I think if you have never been jealous, or lonely, or left out, or said the wrong thing or reacted in a stupid way to anything, then go ahead and leave her out of your get together but if you have, then welcome her in to the group and prove how uncliquey you all are. (smile)

Canary123 · 11/01/2017 21:10

I recently had a similar situation, ranty mum being my sister not being invited round when my older sister asked me to pop round for tea as hadn't seen each other in a while . she got so pissed off that SHE wasnt invited to a spur of the moment catch up l, ffs, why should I have to take her along everywhere I go? As if Im not entitled to go anywhere or do stuff without her. I think if ranty mum wanted to be part of the group she should bloody well have said so to the group directly! She doesnt need qm to speak for her.

Boudiccaiceni · 11/01/2017 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Magzmarsh · 11/01/2017 22:16

Op and her friends don't have to "prove" anything. What weird ideas some people have about friendships if they think everyone has an automatic right to be included in everything by everyone just so a random on an anonymous forum doesn't think they're being cliquey. Bizarre.

MrsBlennerhassett · 12/01/2017 01:11

this thread is really getting to me i cant understand why anyone thinks that there is any justification for sending someone a barrage of abuse because they didnt invite you to the panto with them, then doing it again when it becomes apparent other people at the panto realised you were sending a barrage of abuse!!
That just sounds completely unhinged and if anyone did that to anyone i know i sure as hell wouldnt be reaching out the hand of friendship to them.
And no, no matter how blind drunk ive been ive never sent anyone a barrage of abuse because of a picture id seen on facebook that made me upset. Because im a grown woman.

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