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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Two faced

156 replies

piefacedClique · 08/01/2017 20:05

DS has a lovely group of friends who we go to play with and have food with once a week after school. It Started as a pair of mums and our boys and is now a little group of 5 mums and kids. We have never excluded anyone and no other parents have asked to tag along in the past. At Christmas we went to the pantomime together and had a great time. On our way home another mum texted and was really upset we had excluded her and her son. Son is not someone who our kids ever mentions or seems to play with. She called us a horrible clique and said we should all go fuck ourselves! It was directed at a quiet mum who has been an aquintance of this girl in the past. Today said mum has texted me (no one else) to see if there are any plans for a play date after school and if she can join! Ordinarily I would absolutely say yes come along but AIBU to tell her to piss off given that she was really rude and particularly two faced! It's really awkward as If I don't reply or say no it adds to her feeling like we are a clique (furthest thing from what we actually are) but if I say yes come along I know I will feel really pissed off and two faced and struggle to speak to her. I would never want to exclude a little one from playing but can't help feeling thoroughly pissed off! suggestions for a first time poster???

OP posts:
cheeseandpineapple · 08/01/2017 22:15

The problem with ignoring and excluding her is the knock on impact to her son which is a shame particularly if it's a small school/class. I guess she would only have heard about the group panto trip if the children had spoken about it at school earlier in the day and her son picked up on it. He might have perceived that he'd been excluded and been upset by it.

Still no excuse for sending what ultimately is a self destructive text and doesn't help her son if he's feeling left out.

If you think she sent it after a few drinks maybe she doesn't even realise she sent it as it seems so odd to go nuclear with one member of the group and then approach another one as if nothing's happened.

Did quiet mum reply to the text and/or has there been any follow up between them directly since?

cheeseandpineapple · 08/01/2017 22:16

Ah ok cross posts mystery on how she found out solved!

Original poster
piefacedClique · 08/01/2017 22:20

The panto was during the school holidays so it's the photo that has done it..... quiet mum replied by saying that we had never planned to exclude anyone and that she was sorry she felt that way. Quiet mum replied the following day so if she had been drinking she would have seen it the next day. I know cheeseandpineapple and I wouldn't want him to excluded either but none of our kids ever seem to mention him or play with him in school so never even considered inviting them.....

OP posts:
TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 08/01/2017 22:26

I think you want to be gracious and offer her the chance to join in, proving that you are not a clique, but also make it clear that you are good and loyal friends who won't tolerate any bullshit and that she needs to apologise and make things right before she can be 'let in'.

Something like "I'm afraid that X was really upset after your text message to her the other day. We definitely aren't a clique and are always happy to make new friends, but I think you owe X an apology and to put things right with her before we can commit to meeting up together otherwise there is bound to be an atmosphere. I'm sure you understand that."

EZA15 · 08/01/2017 22:30

Did the mum reply to your friends text the next day?

Scholes34 · 08/01/2017 22:39

Behaviour of other mum inexcusable, but how would you define a "clique"?

gamerchick · 08/01/2017 22:40

Actually I don't think I would be so dismissive and close ranks after one outburst, some people desperately want to fit and join in but don't know how and just hope they get invited to things and then feel left out and resentful.. leading to a hurt outburst.

I think I would give another chance and try be a bit more inclusive and THEN see how the land lies in the future. She could make a good and loyal friend who just needed a chance... or she could turn out to be a knob.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 08/01/2017 23:04

It was just a pretty self destructive way of trying to make friends! We've all stood at the school gates wanting to make conversation and get to know people and I've always really struggled. I'm sure she could be a friend. It her comments were hurtful and put a dampener on a nice occasion. The school run tomorrow will be an interesting one !!!! Confused

OP posts:
gamerchick · 08/01/2017 23:14

It is I know and if I'm reading it right she'll avoid all of you tomorrow.

I just think that everyone deserves a second shot and if they blow that one then it's their own fault.

I'd like to think that I could make a mistake and be forgiven in my friendship group, if I saw th group close ranks after one outburst I would wonder who was next.

Of course I may be totally off the mark but if I am you'll find out soon enough. Grin

Ohyesiam · 08/01/2017 23:15

I think ignoring her would be really uncomfortable, you would be wondering of and would home in on you at the school gates. Being an ostrich never works in my experience.
I think calling her on it would be great, as a pp suggested, or suggesting that she needs to apologise first ( after checking out with your friend that would bet ok).

dowhatnow · 08/01/2017 23:19

"If you'd asked to join us before the sweary text to x, we would have welcomed your company, now I think we would all feel uncomfortable, so perhaps it is best we leave it. Sorry."

cheeseandpineapple · 08/01/2017 23:24

Whilst I like bluebird's suggestion if ranty mum hasn't already apologised to quiet mum or cleared the air with her, in reality I would be inclined to go with gamerchick -overlook the outburst and see how she responds to kindness and inclusion rather than shame.

Subject to making sure the others, in particular quiet mum, are ok with the approach, I would just invite her along to the next meet up and not mention what happened.

If she's embarrassed by what happened and makes amends when she meets up then all good potentially. If she is difficult and awkward going forward then fine to close ranks and exclude in the future.

I'm not afraid to be confrontational and call someone up on something they've done wrong but in this case I think protracting the issue is likely to make things more awkward, given the school is small.

Whilst we all have it in us to be enraged maternal gorillas if our offspring are under attack, her reaction is so ott, sounds like she's not a happy bunny generally at the moment. She's probably dreading the school gates but any bravado she shows is likely to be masking the insecurity she's really feeling.

Good luck tomorrow!

Overthinker2016 · 08/01/2017 23:24

You do sound cliquey tbh.

neolara · 08/01/2017 23:25

While I kind of admire people who say give her a second chance, I think she was pretty bloody horrible to your friend. I'd be polite, but avoid. I can't bear people who seek out drama. It's exhausting and I'd be walking on eggshells all the time because the chances are she'd do something similar again. Bottom line is if you want make friends with people you don't know, your opening gambit is not a insulting and aggressive text. It's really not rocket science. It's a bit unhinged.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 08/01/2017 23:25

Speak to your friend about it. She might be trying to avoid this drama llama.

None of you know this woman - except your friend.
Your kids are not close friends with theirs
Your friend has obviously been reluctant to invite her to the group - with good reason i bet
Now this stranger contacts YOU directly to invite herself! Shock Shock
What does she plan to do - Wendy your friend? Cos it's starting to smell like that.

i wouldn't bother replying and block her. Then let the rest of your group know in case she tries them next.

lalalalyra · 08/01/2017 23:47

I'd speak to your friend before you do anything. If this woman had anything decent about her then she'd have apologised to her and then asked her if she minded her/her son joining your group.

Going to someone else in the group, especially if it's without a hint of apology to your friend, smacks to me as trying to make things awkward for your friend.

Don't let her Wendy your friend.

ludothedog · 08/01/2017 23:54

You say that it's a small school..... how small?

Is the boy being left out?
Is he struggling to make friends?

TBH I would be trying to include him a bit more, after all it's not the child's fault.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 00:03

It's a one class per year school.... 29 in the class. I completely get the whole including thing but we couldn't include someone who is never mentioned by the kids or whose mum is never at pick ups to say come along? And then where does that stop without feeling you have to message the entire class before nipping to the soft play or park after school for an hour?

OP posts:
Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 00:03

What does Wendy your friend mean?

OP posts:
Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 00:04

Thanks for the feedback.... will update after school run tomorrow! Night x

OP posts:
CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 09/01/2017 04:05

'Wendy' is someone who inserts themselves into your friendship group, then plays manipulative games to push you out and/or turn others against you.

If you invite her into your group she will probably start playing the divide and conquer game.
Actually..... she's already started - by going directly to you instead of via the person she knows!

She text you thinking you would automatically say yes....and to undermine your friend.
I guess she's hoping your group will feel sympathetic/guilty/put on the spot and invite her....and then your friend ends up looking like she is the one with issues

AchingBack · 09/01/2017 05:47

I wouldn't invite her. I'm not really sure at what point being friends with others and wanting to spend time with them becomes 'clique' but presumably you all started meeting up off the back of your kids being friends and a friendship naturally developed between you lot as the parents-meaning that you enjoy spending the time together as much as the kids. I don't think your obliged to invite anyone to your meet ups just cos they serve the same play ground as you at pick ups/drop offs, fair dos if your children played with hers than yes it may be kind to invite her children along to some events but that isn't the case.
Most my friends have met each other at some point be it on birthday nights out, in passing at work etc but just because they've met and made small talk to each other doesn't make me feel obligated to invite everyone with children to events that I'm going to with the ones I'm closest too, same as I don't feel put out when I see or hear that my friends have done events with others that I know..it would be a bit strange if I did imo.

JanuaryMoods · 09/01/2017 06:49

Your DCs don't play with her DC in school. Why on earth does she expect to be included? She sounds arrogant and controlling and should be avoided.

Magzmarsh · 09/01/2017 07:31

I agree the op has absolutely no obligation to include this woman who has already been blatantly nasty to one of her friends. It didn't surprise me that she's a "quiet" person either as these are the ones who get targeted in these situations.

SittingDrinkingTea · 09/01/2017 07:52

I'd talk to quiet mum and if she's okay with it let this woman join in. You don't say what year your son is in but I'm guessing he's in the younger end of primary so has several years left. If you exclude this woman now you've got years left of bad feeling in the playground, and while your son doesn't seem to be friends with the woman's son now children's friendships change all the time, your son could come home next week and announce the boy is his new best friend.