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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Two faced

156 replies

piefacedClique · 08/01/2017 20:05

DS has a lovely group of friends who we go to play with and have food with once a week after school. It Started as a pair of mums and our boys and is now a little group of 5 mums and kids. We have never excluded anyone and no other parents have asked to tag along in the past. At Christmas we went to the pantomime together and had a great time. On our way home another mum texted and was really upset we had excluded her and her son. Son is not someone who our kids ever mentions or seems to play with. She called us a horrible clique and said we should all go fuck ourselves! It was directed at a quiet mum who has been an aquintance of this girl in the past. Today said mum has texted me (no one else) to see if there are any plans for a play date after school and if she can join! Ordinarily I would absolutely say yes come along but AIBU to tell her to piss off given that she was really rude and particularly two faced! It's really awkward as If I don't reply or say no it adds to her feeling like we are a clique (furthest thing from what we actually are) but if I say yes come along I know I will feel really pissed off and two faced and struggle to speak to her. I would never want to exclude a little one from playing but can't help feeling thoroughly pissed off! suggestions for a first time poster???

OP posts:
JanuaryMoods · 09/01/2017 08:07

I'd talk to quiet mum and if she's okay with it let this woman join in.

And let the bully win? No.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 09:31

So bit of a post school run update..... I replied to the message last night with a combination of everyone's suggestions.... Except my fave 4pm one! I received back a string of messages.... to cut a long story short, all based around that quiet friend and her were amazing friends and she felt hurt she had been actively excluded and that she had been texting quiet friend every week to see if there were plans and that she never replied or invited her (take the hint?) and that maybe we should extend play date invited to the whole class but then went on to say it would be embarrassing for quiet friend if she were reveal contents of discussions they had about various parents when our kids were in reception. I replied saying I was sorry she felt that way and that I wasn't interested in hearing gossip and that private conversations are just that and it would be a little childish to try and exclude quiet friend by doing that. She apologised for her comments and left it at that. This morning quiet friend has just messaged saying she woke up to a barrage of abusive messages from the girl! I think girl is hurt and feels a little wounded so has lashed out which is a shame as she's alienating herself even more! The last thing I want is hard feelings and totally take on board the nature of friendship swaps amongst kids but it's Probably safe to say it would be a bit frosty if she were to come along to play dates! Ouch! Thanks for everyone's tips x

OP posts:
Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 10:03

Who knew that the shit you have as kids with friends can go in to adulthood! Genuinely surprised at the whole outburst!

OP posts:
gamerchick · 09/01/2017 10:15

Maybe quiet friend has her reasons but she isn't coming out of this all that well either. Put yourself in the shoes of the unhinged lady and you would probably feel a bit put out as well if you'd been asking and just been blanked and then found yourself actively excluded.

However she obviously doesn't want to be friends with her and doesn't want you all to be either.

Man I'm really glad I never did the school gate thing, sounds like it's back at school in itself.

Suzytwoshoes · 09/01/2017 10:21

Oh now hat makes sense! She's trying to make quiet friend look bad! She sounds like a right shit stirrer, I'd avoid at all costs!

Suzytwoshoes · 09/01/2017 10:21

That not hat!

LagunaBubbles · 09/01/2017 10:23

Your DCs don't play with her DC in school. Why on earth does she expect to be included?

Totally agree with this, I never understand posts that seem to think a child should be friendly with everyone in their class either.

cheeseandpineapple · 09/01/2017 12:00

Interesting development OP, things are not always as they seem! Watched some Agatha Christie on the weekend with my children and have now got my Hercule Poirot hat on!

Ranty Mum's text to Quiet Mum post panto is a massive over reaction if looked at in a vacuum.

Pre panto OP, you weren't aware of any issues with Ranty Mum and said that had she got in touch to ask about joining the after school activity there would have been no hesitation, at least from you, for her to be included.

This suggests Ranty Mum hasn't displayed any bonkers behaviour in the past as far as you're aware.

When Quiet Mum received the text post panto did she mention anything about being contacted previously by Ranty Mum?

If not, either Ranty Mum is literally deluded and has made up her previous exchanges/ relationship with Quiet Mum or Quiet Mum is not being straight with you.

If there is a back story and Ranty Mum was trying to join in the group via Quiet Mum as her supposed closest contact, then Quiet Mum should have explained the background when she received the text after the panto and not let it look like it was sent in a vacuum.

If Quiet Mum was "protecting" the group from Ranty Mum she should have explained that.

Even though Ranty Mum is not helping herself in the least and seems to have a permanent drunk texting style of communication, I'm starting to have my suspicions about Quiet Mum and whether she is quite the innocent in all this. No smoke and all that.

No matter what, sounds a bit of a mess and unfortunately you're caught in the middle OP but it's an interesting saga and got me hooked, please keep us posted on how it all turns out!

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 12:22

I think quiet friend and ranty mum have been friends and done things together in the past but have never had the impression they were bossom buddies..... I think quiet mums sister and ranty mum were more friendly..... quiet mum is really lovely and has been through a fair amount of shit and I think has found a group of friends whose kids get on and who she has a laugh with without any pressures or dramas. She has older children and youngest is quite a bit younger. I think you are right and ranty mum has seen an 'in' through quiet mum. I'm gutted that she has the impression we are. Wing cliquey when in reality all we are is a group of mums who have kids the same age and get on well.

OP posts:
ChuckSnowballs · 09/01/2017 12:43

Ranty is trying to Wendy Quiet mum with you.

I'm starting to have my suspicions about Quiet Mum and whether she is quite the innocent in all this. No smoke and all that.
Isn't this what Wendies rely on?

CalmItKermitt · 09/01/2017 12:52

Chucksnowballs - exactly.

witsender · 09/01/2017 12:56

Surely if quiet mum and ranty mum get on, why was QM ignoring her messages? Of there is no history that seems rude, and explains why 'RM' thinks you are a clique....Because you kind of are.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 13:00

Clique or just friends with stuff in common witsender? No idea why she was ignoring messages... ranty mum always seems to be in the midst of a drama so maybe just because it was a break from the hassle?

OP posts:
Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 13:01

Don't think QM and RM have really spoken since the go fuck yourselves messages.... plus there has been the school hols so this is the first time we are all really seeing each other at the school gates etc?

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 09/01/2017 13:06

Witsender im reading between the lines that RM,it wasnt the first time she lost the head at QM.Maybe thats why she doesnt want to be friends.Its her choice.I know i have different friends for different activities.She RM wants to be included even though the kids are not friends wiht her kids.Shes just one of theses that hates to be missing out.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 13:08

I think you are right dustarr.

OP posts:
witsender · 09/01/2017 13:20

Maybe, but in her mind if she has asked to join in and been ignored by someone she thinks is a friend, then that gives the impression of a clique, whether it is or not.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 13:23

Fair point x

OP posts:
dustarr73 · 09/01/2017 14:02

Then maybe if she had asked nicely rather than throwing a hissy fit,she might be in the group now.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 14:09

I'm inclined to agree and I'm not sure I want to spend time what spare time I have with someone who spits the dummy and sends vile messages when she doesn't get what she wants. It's the only night my DS can play with others after school or have friends over due to a long commute of mine from work and it saves having one friend over at a time so I think she has ruled herself out of catch ups! Anyway! First world problems!

OP posts:
Andylion · 09/01/2017 15:39

I completely get the whole including thing but we couldn't include someone who is never mentioned by the kids or whose mum is never at pick ups to say come along?

I'm curious, OP - is RM at the school gates or not?

..plus there has been the school hols so this is the first time we are all really seeing each other at the school gates etc?

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 15:49

No rm is never at gate x

OP posts:
OhSuckItUpDucky · 09/01/2017 16:15

So is RM working at pick up / drop off time ?
It's sounds like she is being excluded if she was friends with QM before

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 16:18

Her kids are on bus and she's never at pick up. Difficult to exclude someone who can't physically be there?

OP posts:
Oblomov16 · 09/01/2017 16:24

I'm not so sure its best to exclude her. Not that I'm condoning her rudeness.

But my friend arranged something at the end of Christmas term. Casually. Invited a few. And she told me, that 2 people had text her, because were very upset they hadn't been included. She was upset by this.
So it just goes to show that many people are clearly upset by this kind of thing, generally.
And yes, yours is a specific group. And ours was more casual, but maybe she felt you were a bit cliquey before and she felt excluded before?
Or maybe I'm being too sympathetic to her?