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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Two faced

156 replies

piefacedClique · 08/01/2017 20:05

DS has a lovely group of friends who we go to play with and have food with once a week after school. It Started as a pair of mums and our boys and is now a little group of 5 mums and kids. We have never excluded anyone and no other parents have asked to tag along in the past. At Christmas we went to the pantomime together and had a great time. On our way home another mum texted and was really upset we had excluded her and her son. Son is not someone who our kids ever mentions or seems to play with. She called us a horrible clique and said we should all go fuck ourselves! It was directed at a quiet mum who has been an aquintance of this girl in the past. Today said mum has texted me (no one else) to see if there are any plans for a play date after school and if she can join! Ordinarily I would absolutely say yes come along but AIBU to tell her to piss off given that she was really rude and particularly two faced! It's really awkward as If I don't reply or say no it adds to her feeling like we are a clique (furthest thing from what we actually are) but if I say yes come along I know I will feel really pissed off and two faced and struggle to speak to her. I would never want to exclude a little one from playing but can't help feeling thoroughly pissed off! suggestions for a first time poster???

OP posts:
OfaFrenchmind2 · 09/01/2017 16:38

Ranty mum is in the wrong. She is showing she is a (badly) manipulative person by hinting at possible gossip she could make public if she is not included. That quite close to blackmail. Quiet mum was actually quite dignified by not expanding on RM. Only RM is saying she is great friend with QM, is there any proof she is actually a friend an not some unhinged light stalker?

MadMags · 09/01/2017 17:17

and she felt hurt she had been actively excluded and that she had been texting quiet friend every week to see if there were plans and that she never replied or invited her (take the hint?)

You don't think this sounds cliquey??

altiara · 09/01/2017 17:25

Oblomov you are definitely being too sympathetic! RM could have at any point suggested a meet up at softplay/park for the whole class or mum's night out for the whole class. Instead she's been pushing QM to try and be part of your group without making any effort to find friends that she gets on well with. If QM didn't want her to come along, then so be it, maybe she can only tolerate her in small doses, or she's fed up with RM being bitchy or her child doesn't play well with hers (made up examples) but QM doesn't have to share that with everyone, she can just draw back slightly from the friendship without badmouthing her. There's only RMs word for it that they're amazing friends.
From RMs actions, I'd say stay well clear, but consider occasionally (half term for example) someone planning a whole class get together somewhere (bonus that it won't be the whole class as it's school holidays so more manageable) - e.g. If you have a FB group, suggest it on there. Hopefully other mums outside your group may like the opportunity to meet other people too

dustarr73 · 09/01/2017 17:26

We don't know the background between RM and QM.But the way QM went about texting someone she doesn't know is a bit off.And then she threw into the mix about a nice piece of gossip she has.

No matter what way you like ok at it,RM doesn't sound nice at all.

Plus QM has no obligation to invite RM anywhere she goes.

Oblomov16 · 09/01/2017 17:50

QM hasn't exactly carried herself very well!!
RM text her again and again and again, with no response, as to whether there were any plans to meet.
No response.
And then RM finds out they have met.

I suspect many people might feel VERY hurt by that. Hmm

downwardfacingdog · 09/01/2017 17:56

Ugh. I hate the term 'clique'. You never hear it used to describe groups of male friends. Why are women obliged to socialise with people they don't like or not socialise with a group of friends for fear of being labelled a clique. I wouldnt let her come because she doesn't sound very nice. Just say sorry it might be a bit awkward after you were so rude to QF.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 18:38

I'm not tearlky sure about the ins and outs of their friendship other than they have done stuff together along with QFs sister who is close to RM. equally I'm unsure as to why QF has not responded regarding texts to join us. Although lots of the suggestions seem plausible. I agree nobody should feel obliged to invite others or have to feel like they can't have a little group they get on with. Totally agree with downward facing dog tho.... never used with men! I'm sure RM is a lovely girl although she has bit done herself any favours in recent days but I can understand why she might feel upset. Just a strange way of expressing/managing it. Sad really as I would never want anyone to feel uncomfortable. We have a parents whatsapp and FB group where we plan get togethers in the summer at the beach etc which is great and we can catch up with all manner of combinations of parents who usually can't because of work. QF obvs has had her reasons for not replying to RM. who knows? All seems a bit primary school!

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Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 18:39

Man.... I'm seriously hoping I don't get outed!

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Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 18:40

Although I don't think I've told any of those involved about my love of the AIBU posts! 😩

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Glamorousglitter · 09/01/2017 18:59

I was a QM in a similar group, had a friendship with a RM type who was very nice but also very manipulative and very volatile and seemed to try take over all my other friendships. It was like adult bullying. Horrible. After an occasions where she send numerous explosive rant texts over something she thought she was excluded from I tried to politely distance myself. (The occasion was a work related one I brought my kids to nothing to do with her). It was extremely stressful. We had similar groups of friends plus she tried become friendly with all my other friends and acquaintances and suddlenly was everywhere I was and my dc were (activities outings etc ). Anyway I tried to avoid a fallout and just gently distance and ignore her when I was meeting with a group of other mums I was making friends with. I was so worried she would take over again and I just couldn't have coped with it. Anyway I m trying badly to explain QM position. Afraid to inflame the situation and not wanting to invite the person in as they take over the group and suddenly are everywhere again .... well that was my situation. It s a few years down the line now and I ve since discovered she spread unkind rumours about me at the time but she s successfully alienated many other people along the way and thankfully my good friend are still just that. I d leave her from your meet ups at the moment tbh.

MadMags · 09/01/2017 19:40

I don't know...the "take the hint" thing is a bit very bitchy, OP.

None of you are covering yourselves in glory.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 19:45

Fair point MadMags about the take the hint comment. That was a low blow on my part. Don't agree about the final comment tho but absolutely entitled to your opinion x

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Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 19:45

I guess I'm just pissed of at being drawn into her drama!

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Treaclex · 09/01/2017 19:56

Well the whole drama could've been nipped in the bud by QM

RainbowJack · 09/01/2017 20:23

Well the whole drama could've been nipped in the bud by QM

Maybe she hasn't been responding to RM because she's sick of the abuse and drama RM brings?

If so, good on her. I hate the idea you have to maintain contact just to be nice in the face of being treated like shit.

RandomMess · 09/01/2017 20:38

I think I'd be tempted to get them together in the playground or something and say to both that you have no clue what is really going on but the people get together because the children are friends, not because the group of Mums or best mates or anything... oh and could you both grow up?

dustarr73 · 09/01/2017 20:39

Well maybe QM told RM no she couldnt join and ignoring her was the last option.Maybe it QM only bit of space away from her.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 21:03

I think QM maybe found a group of silly non judgemental girls who bring no baggage and stress? I don't know either well enough to know what's really going on. I think after the first outburst QF was happy to say she was sorry RM was offended and as she was pissed off and leave it at that. Feel bad that she had her own shit going on yesterday and then because RM had texted me she ended up with more shitty texts this morning.... thus making QF even more pissed off at another outburst which until this morning she knew nothing about..... whilst also dealing with her own first world stresses. Don't think it's my place to get them together as they have their people who know more of the ins and outs to mediate? Arghh! AngryConfused

OP posts:
Magzmarsh · 09/01/2017 21:16

Step away from all this nonsense op. You've done nothing wrong. Since when did an organically grown friend group be branded a clique that has to include someone who wants in even when they've been rude and abusive because they're somehow "excluding" them. It's utter nonsense, you socialise with whoever you want to and don't be browbeaten into an acquaintanceship you don't want or need.

Original poster
piefacedClique · 09/01/2017 21:24

Thanks Magz. Sounds like a good plan x

OP posts:
Witchend · 09/01/2017 23:15

Surely the panto had to have been booked weeks ago, plus would have set seats. Not easy to just join someone.
I suspect QM didn't answer at that because she didn't want to out and out lie, but knew she couldn't say "join us".

Glamorousglitter · 10/01/2017 00:50

It s possible that r m is fabricating the story about asking QM to join in too to discredit her and make her look bad ...,.....

Original poster
piefacedClique · 10/01/2017 07:01

Quite possible glamorous.... maybe not even fabrication but exaggeration? And yes the panto was booked a few weeks previously.... and if I'm honest... the panto was a treat for the boys and their pals.... I wouldn't necessarily want others coming with us.... it's a bit different to we are all going to the soft play if any one wants to join.

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picklemepopcorn · 10/01/2017 07:17

RM may have attempted to own QM against QMs preference. If I was a QM is would feel really uncomfortable at someone trying to use me to invite herself to join a group I am in. I wouldn't feel I have the right to start inviting more people in. Rams behaviour when she doesn't get her own way pretty much makes it clear that she doesn't get how to be in a friendship group.

And I say that as the one who is left out and doesn't get how to do it! I'm always on the sidelines, but guess what- I don't have the right to be part of other people's friendship groups. It's not compulsory.

Treaclex · 10/01/2017 07:24

But why hasn't QM shared the fact RM was trying to join the group ?