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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask how not to be frumpy

377 replies

Moomoomango · 08/01/2017 11:54

I feel like total mum frump. I'm overweight (working on it) I rarely put on make up and I generally feel like a frump. I'm only 29, two children 5&1. Please tell me how mums at soft play look so put together and gorgeous- whilst I am just straggling along delighted we've made it out the house? What simple routines / things should I do / buy to look less frumpy?!

OP posts:
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Qwertie · 09/01/2017 20:27

For me it's showering, washing my hair and moisturising my face and hands every morning, a 2 minute blow dry so that at least my growing out fringe is out of my face & if I have time foundation, mascara & lip balm. -I don't always manage to complete all of those steps before leaving the house, but if I'm driving I'll take my make up bag to apply when I get there. Oh and earrings. :-)

Notmuchtosay1 · 09/01/2017 20:29

Gosh I didn't really think I was frumpy. I always screw my long hair into a tight bun. I hate my hair down. I've also never plucked or shaped my eyebrows. I'm obviously frumpy. 😂 Not sure I'm that bothered though. I wouldn't say weight had anything to do with frumpy either. But sounds like I haven't got a clue anyway. 😀

shineon · 09/01/2017 20:29

And what is mrs gloss? Have searched Facebook cant find anything

moonchild77 · 09/01/2017 20:34

Shineon Mrs gloss and the goss. It's a Facebook page for make up and beauty and hair and clothes advice. It's wonderful. 32,000 women and men all bugging each other up. No rudeness or bitchiness.

simiisme · 09/01/2017 20:35

Fat does not necessarily equal frumpy! Frumpy comes in all sizes, as does fabulous.
Size 20. I dress in my own style - 1950s dresses every day. Hair done.
Not a huge makeup fan, although eyebrows are tidy. Most days I wear tinted moisturiser and tinted lip balm. On the days when I don't I am clean, tidy and fragrant (I wear perfume every day) and wearing a colourful dress.

moonchild77 · 09/01/2017 20:36

Ooops 34 thousand people!

To ask how not to be frumpy
teafortoads · 09/01/2017 20:49

I had a complete style crisis post baby (previously wore tea dresses, high heels, 50s type stuff, just wasn't practical when crawling around after infant with my bum in the air). Bought stuff from cheapo charity shops to find what suits/works well (boot cut jeans from Next are here to stay in my wardrobe and I don't care how 'Mumsy' they may be!). This gave me a good way to try out styles/shapes/sizes on the cheap when there was no chance of any changing room time and no money to spend. (I am now hooked on charity shop cheapness and the fact you can get all the posh labels super cheap). I do heaps of walking/toddler chasing and found I was getting worse and worse at wearing high heels on the occasion I paraded around my house wistfully sporting a pair of 6 inchers, until i found my amazing super de-frump secret (which will probably be HUGELY derided - and rightly so - on Mumsnet); Hidden wedge Nike/Next trainers. Amazing. Have banished dumpiness and made me feel so much smarter and are super comfy. You're welcome

Helethan · 09/01/2017 20:53

Do you have a decent department store near you? If you do, book an appointment with a personal shopper. They don't cost anything and they are trained to find clothes that are right for you. You just hang out in the changing room while they bring you things to try on. My friend went to one in House of Fraser as she is an unusual shape (tiny waist and huge bum- her words not mine) and came out looking fantastic. Then go to the make up area and get a makeover. Again free. Ask lots of questions and they'll help you. Then to the hairdressers for a decent low maintenance haircut. Not free!
Obviously, you need someone to take the kids for the day but it'll be worth it. Even if you don't buy anything, you'll get lots of ideas (and have a nice day out too)I want to tell you not to care and just love yourself the way you are but if you are feeling like a frumpy mum it might make you feel more confident if you find a look that works for you.
I've never understood how those glossy mums do it either but I was born a bit scruffy.
Try not to worry too much. Your children are very little and being a mum is hard work.
I hope this helps a bit xx

Pritchyx · 09/01/2017 21:08

I'm a size 10/12, my ex said he preferred me to wear things that showed off my figure or shirt dresses with a belt that matched bag & shoes...
He knew what worked on me whereas I didn't have a clue and didn't seem to care.

I try and opt for shoes with a heel, mainly boots at the moment. They make me feel so much taller and eccentuate my legs (I'm 5ft 4) and I feel like I'm standing up straight. It makes a difference. I wear a lot of tight fitting clothes although go for peplum style tops if I can to hide the mum-tum that just went ever go despite exercise...
Also, in terms of beauty... exfoliate your face everyday - I do mine in the shower before bed, and apply moisturiser twice daily (morning and night), keep your eyebrows tamed and neat so look after them, they frame your face. Also, mascara works wonders if you don't have time for a full face of makeup.

If you're not sure of your shop, try a Personal Shopper in stores like HOF or Debenhams, they could help! Or just spend time picking up outfits in shops and trying them on and seeing what works.

And most importantly, compliment yourself and think positive... fake it til you make it if necessary. Happier people always look better than those who look glum xx

1horatio · 09/01/2017 21:26

I'm not trying to rain on your parade.

But I just feel the need to mention that exfoliating your face 2 a day can be awful for some people. I exfoliate mine gently 1-2 a week. Anything else would be awful and crack my face.

What else...
Everyday Skincare in the evening:
Oil cleansing
Mild unscented facial wash
Alcohol free toner
Eye serum
Serum
Eye cream
Moisturiser with a few drops of facial oil
Sometimes a soothing night mask
Sleep on your back

Not everyday (1-2 a week)
Exfoliating
Steaming and a mud-mask

Morning:
Facial wash
Toner
Serum
Eye cream
Moisturiser

Don't forget sunscreen :)

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 09/01/2017 21:42

1horatio do you seriously do that skincare regime every day? I don't even know what eye serum is. How do you find the time? I have to leave for work at 7.15 most mornings..... I'd rather have wrinkly skin and 10 minutes extra in bed.

I'm. 50. I think it's too late to establish a skin care regime. I do wash my face with a mild face wash morning and evening and slap on some No7 nightcream in the evening if I remember

cheval · 09/01/2017 21:48

God it's hard work being a woman!

anotheryearcomesandgoes · 09/01/2017 22:05

Threads like this always baffle me. I wouldn't have the first clue what clothes are 'stylish' and TBH I don't even really know what stylish means. Fashionable? (Not that I understand that either) Popular? Nice? (Subjective)
Where do people learn this stuff from? How do you know when something that was previously deemed stylish becomes frumpy?

I think that it is clear from this thread that people don't have a shared view about what frumpy is or what stylish is.

So I will add my view. I don't think it is about being fashionable. The clothes in the shops tend to drive what we wear and so if you shop regularly then by default clothes tend to reflect the current style in some way (much more so in some stores than others)

I don't think I would ever be called frumpy. I don't think that I follow fashion (although as above we are all affected by it as it influences what is in the stores). I am 50 and I would still wear some clothes that wore in my 20s if I had them (hemlines are a bit longer now). I don't have work clothes/weekend clothes. I just have clothes, I wear pretty much the same type of stuff each day, its my style so why wouldn't I.

I think you need to dress to your body shape. Know which colours suit you (I wear 6 colours mostly- 95% of my wardrobe is 6 colours). Buy the best you can afford- have less clothes but better quality. Look closely at the fabric- good fabric wears well.

Don't be afraid to have some bold clothes. I knew when I got dressed this morning that at least 1 stranger would tell me that they loved my dress/and/or ask where it was from. Every single time I have worn it someone has commented on it as it is an amazing dress but you might have to try on 100 dresses to find the 1. I tend to shop on line, try it all on at home in front of my mirror which I know isn't one adapted to flatter (unlike many shops) , often try it a few times, try it on with various shoes, other items of clothing that I already own etc Return what I don't really love. If I buy an item of clothing and I haven't worn it within a weekish I send it back as it clearly isn't right.

Buy good shoes. Buy a good coat. I find it really odd that people will pay £1000 for a mulberry handbag but won't buy decent shoes or a good quality coat.

I personally don't think the cut of the jeans matters- no good wearing skinny jeans if they don't suit you (disclaimer I probably haven't worn jeans for at least 4 years). Or that the length of the boot determine sit you are frumpy of not - you need to think about ankle , calf size and calf length when buying boots (exception is thigh length boots- only pantomime boys look good in those) . I disagree with the comment about pumps being frumpy- I think the right flats for your foot shape/width can be very stylish (patent are great as keep looking good).

Simple jewellery, avoid clothes that are cluttered or too fussy.

Good underwear that fits- start each day by adjusting your bra straps.

1horatio · 09/01/2017 22:10

paxman

Usually, yes :) I didn't do all of this on New Year's Eve for example, I have a shortened routine for occasions like this (I was sooo tired) and when I know that I'll be basically inside all day I won't use sunscreen :)

It takes 3 minutes in the morning and about... 10? In the evening. Steaming does take 10 minutes (but no more blackheads) and then the time for the mud mask... the peeling takes 5 minutes. I either have two peelings or one peeling and one steaming/face mask a week.

I've started doing it a few years ago and my skin looks so much better now :)!

But it's a relaxing ritual of self care in the evening:)!

NavyandWhite · 09/01/2017 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoTimetoStopnStare · 09/01/2017 22:15

I have a stinking cold, so ready to be flamed on theses but...

Don't buy old lady sandals from 'comfy' shoe shops...'

1horatio · 09/01/2017 22:18

I loove quilted jackets Grin

It just shows how different people define frumpiness ;)

NavyandWhite · 09/01/2017 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Camomila · 09/01/2017 22:24

I'm 29 too, I've only recently realised that just because I have a baby I don't need to suddenly wear leggings and long tops or start shopping in joules and I am allowed to wear the things my 29 year old friends without kids wear Grin

mja100 · 09/01/2017 22:27

Oh no, I hadn't thought of myself as frumpy until I read this thread! I often wear leggings and a tunic with ankle boots or bootleg jeans! I'm a little on the larger side, but fairly tall with it so balances it out (a bit!) but feel if I wear skinny jeans I need a longer top which then causes coat/jacket issues...! Luckily I'm up north so don't feel the need to wear a coat too often! Grin
I think just be you and wear what makes you feel comfortable, i always do my hair (badly, as I can't blow dry to save my life) and have make up on and that tends to be enough to make feel passable. Having my nails done is always a good way to make me feel a bit glam too!

MrsCocoa · 09/01/2017 22:32

Isn't it more about times when you feel who you are has slipped a bit out of alignment with how you think you look? When that jars it feels OK to use a bit of energy on self expression? No rules though - you get to choose your own sources of inspiration.

NoJimmyProtested · 09/01/2017 22:32

I am slim but unconfident so i don't think it really is about weight.
However when i want to feel good about myself i do these things:

  • Tightline my eyes (esp. if you are fair, this has made a real difference to me - its make up but not dramatic like applying eyeliner in the usual way)
  • Get my hair blow dried (i treat myself to this 1x week since i quit smoking. Costs £20 and i make it last for about 3 days with dry shampoo. Makes me feel lovely and i could never get it like that myself)
  • Get flattering ankle boots that look on trend but you can walk in. I have some small block heel ones that i absolutely love (agree that knee highs are a no-no currently)
  • Stick to a few colours that you know suit you.
  • Treat yourself to 1 thing is really you and that you really really love. Maybe a piercing or a small tattoo. Or a statement handbag. Something that is really genuinely you and that you love. I love my nose piercing and it makes me feel happy every day.
CommunionHelp · 09/01/2017 22:35

For me, I feel frumpy if I'm over my ideal weight. After having my 3rd child, I was two stone overweight and I think I looked bloody awful until I'd lost it. I can't feel stylish if I feel fat, but that's just me.

Otherwise, everyone goes on about hair hair hair and having 'that' amazing style that transforms you, but it depends on what you're working with to be honest. My hair is naturally extremely tight ringlets, so doesn't suit the usual advice about getting a 'sleek bob' and so on.

Nearly every woman I consider to look good is a healthy, fit-looking weight for her build, wears at least a little make up, and wears decent clothes that fit really well. Not following every rule is good too. A dash of your identity is always a good look (although constant statement dressing/trying to keep your youth alive by dressing like you did 20 years ago isn't really my thing)

As I get older, I also find it's really hard to carry off cheap clothes in the same way that much younger women can.

Flugelpip · 09/01/2017 22:36

My rules for style are:

  • wear something loose with something fitted, not loose + loose or fitted + fitted. An oversized shirt and narrow trousers is really relaxed and flattering. Wider trousers or long skirts need a narrow top to balance out the look - it needn't be tight but very plain, straight sleeves and an unfussy neckline. Volume is great but you need to balance it out.
  • Get the shape right - if you are prone to a muffin top (like me!) wear higher-waisted trousers. You don't have to show that they are high-waisted; layer over them. But the overall look will be much neater. *Try to limit yourself to two colours per outfit - say straight black trousers, fairly fitted black top, coloured long cardigan. That will streamline you and make life much simpler.
  • Only wear one patterned item at a time, or none. Patterns can look great but they can also be a minefield. They are easier in summer!
  • Try to wear one thing every day that you love. It will make you happier all day.
  • Accessories are brilliant - big shawl-like scarves looped around your neck can hide rolls down your front if you feel your top is too tight; a really nice necklace or long pendant will make you look like you've thought about your outfit. Look at how French women tie their scarves for inspiration! Pinterest is full of suggestions. Keep everything else - bag, shoes, clothes - as simple as possible. *decent underwear will give you a huge amount of confidence. Not knickers that ride up or bras that dig in - comfortable, invisible underwear. Try on lots of bras in M & S and find your style/size.
  • Put some time into thinking about and finding the right footwear. Comfort is number one for me, then fashion. There's no point in lurching around in high heels if you're at soft play, let's face it. Biker boots, a neater ankle boot, non-scruffy trainers or loafers all work. In summer, flat unfussy sandals or ballet flats seem to work best. (I'm not a big fan of toes so you can pry my flat summer shoes from my cold dead hands; I don't think you should worry about following fashion if it makes you uncomfortable or self-conscious.)
  • Try everything on before you buy it (mail order is your friend here; you don't want to drag small children around shops but you must promise yourself not to keep anything that doesn't work). Be ruthless; only buy if you love it AND it looks good on you. When you find a really good pair of jeans or whatever, consider buying two pairs or make a note of where they came from if you need to save up.
  • look at catalogues like The White Company or Boden or Hush for inspiration, even if you don't buy the clothes. Especially look at 'weekend' clothes for outfit ideas. It's not about buying their look but about you deciding whether you're a sweatshirt and jeans person or a shirt and trousers one.
  • Take time to build up your wardrobe. Plan what you're going to look for next - black trousers say, or a shirt - and focus on that. Don't get distracted/desperate.
  • Don't rely on fashion magazines, especially hair/beauty suggestions. They are trying to sell you things you don't need.
  • Don't cling too hard to rules about bootcut jeans, for example - you can wear them if they suit you! Just don't buy a crap version of anything. The most fashionable item in the world will look awful if you buy it in the cheapest or ugliest possible version. I don't mean that you have to spend a lot on everything, but there's cheap denim that looks great and cheap denim that looks cheap. You should know it when you see it. Very cheap clothes are not cheap if you hate them and don't wear them.
  • Don't be too hard on yourself. I've been a mother for AGES and it took me a long time to get my head around what works for me and what doesn't. And I still make mistakes.
  • If all else fails, pretend you're going to the gym later and wear exercise gear. Every mother I know does this from time to time... Wink
wisba · 09/01/2017 22:42

Painting my nails always works for me.

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