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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask advice it's a wedding one

29 replies

BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:19

I'm getting married this year. Bit of background have dc with ex-p am still on very friendly terms with ex mil and ex sis in law.

Went over there to exmil today to deliver very late Christmas gifts. They asked about the wedding and date setting etc.

I told them date had been set. Both ex mil and sil said 'we'll put in the diary'.

Like a bloody coward I kept quiet.

Erm what do I do? I didn't think they would want to come or had even considered inviting them! Also what do I say to my newish mil? Hi new mil this is ex mil?

I think I've dug myself a hole here. Help!

OP posts:
freddiemercury · 08/01/2017 00:23

is it a big wedding? need they meet at all? I think it's fine...you're still friendly, why can't they come? brilliant that you're all grown up enough to remain 9n good terms... and er might well ruin that if they weren't invited...

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:26

I don't think it's a problem if they come-they're your children's grandparents and it's great if you still get along with them. I've got a friend who's ex went to their wedding because the stayed friends.

IMissGrannyW · 08/01/2017 00:26

Evening invite only.

It will be fine. THEY will be pleased to be invited and you don't need to do any introductions.

They might even take DC home with them for sleepover.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:26

Tiny wedding. Also current dp is a bit Hmm about it. He said how would you feel if I asked ex-w's family to the big day?

OP posts:
QueenMortificado · 08/01/2017 00:27

Next time you see them just say that wedding plans are coming along really well, you've set the date and only having a very small wedding, what with it being a second wedding etc. Say you'd have loved to invite them but the numbers don't work out and maybe you could go for afternoon tea just the few of you to celebrate closer to the time instead.

I think it's great that you have a good relationship with them but as its a potentially sensitive one I'd be inclined to go down the honesty route instead of just ignoring it and hoping they'll get the message when they don't receive an invite.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:29

He said how would you feel if I asked ex-w's family to the big day?

How would you feel if he'd invited his ex-wife's family? What did you say?

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:30

The tiny wedding makes it much more tricky. How tiny is tiny? Could they come to the ceremony or evening do?

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:31

The thing is exp and I split up bloody years ago. His divorce and everything is still quite recent. We met after him and wife split so no issues there. However his divorce was quite acrimonious and he doesn't get on with ex currently or her family.

That could change of course and hopefully it will at some point. He wouldn't want them there so I guess can't see my side of it.

OP posts:
sonyaya · 08/01/2017 00:32

Really rude of them to be so presumptuous. Are you doing evening guests? Might be best compromise

HeddaGarbled · 08/01/2017 00:32

Oh god, nightmare! I think you'll just have to not send them invitations and front it out. If they ask, say, sorry, it's a very small wedding.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:32

Tiny as in 30 or so people in the day 60 max evening.

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 08/01/2017 00:33

Just embrace that the want to share your special day. It's only awkward if you let it be. If you are on good terms them just enjoy their company and they will be able to help out with dc's

QueenMortificado · 08/01/2017 00:35

Just embrace the want to share your special day

But if the op doesn't have space and doesn't want them there, nor does her partner then why invite them?

I bet they will feel awkward as fuck when they turn up and realise they're out of place because it's such a small wedding

Just don't invite them. But do tell them.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:36

How full s your guest list? 60 in the evening isn't that tiny.

Crispbutty · 08/01/2017 00:36

Has he met them?

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:36

That's if you want to invite them of course.

Inertia · 08/01/2017 00:36

For the sake of two people's buffet provision, it'd probably be worth inviting them in the evening to maintain good relationships with your children's gran/ aunt.

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:37

If it was a big wedding then I would happily have them. But can't justify finding 4 spaces for ex-in laws really.

Also I don't know how exp feels about this but I imagine he would be a bit Confused as well.

OP posts:
seven201 · 08/01/2017 00:37

You need to be strong and tell them it's a very small wedding and that it would be weird for your new husband (I can see his point) so they're not invited. I'm a whimp and would probably start with lots of hints that get me nowhere. It was very presumptuous of them to think they'd be invited!

Original poster
BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:38

It's 30 plus another 30. Most of the day 30 is made up of immediate family. So we only have about 35 spaces for friends.

OP posts:
LouBlue1507 · 08/01/2017 00:38

I think if your DP doesn't want them there then you should respect that. He probably feels uncomfortable and I don't blame him.

Yamadori · 08/01/2017 00:55

My ex-PILs, and ex-SIL/BIL/nieces all came to my 2nd wedding. Ex-nieces were bridesmaids.

swimmerforlife · 08/01/2017 01:03

I take it that your having a sit down meal (not a buffet) in that case I think your going say to them that there's been a misunderstanding and that you are not going to be able to attend the wedding as it's small scale.

Not nice I know, I suppose you need to figure out whether it's going to be worth the fall out and have them there just for the sake of family harmony...

Or could you get your ExP to talk to them?

Newtonmas · 08/01/2017 01:09

Perhaps you can explain to your DP that you're inviting your children's grandma and aunt? So it's not just seen as you inviting your ex-MIL and ex-SIL IYSWIM?

MommaGee · 08/01/2017 01:13

Do you want them there? If so I'd explain to DP as they're your friends now and they can help with DC. If you don't, which of them is most reasonable? Can you explain that you're just v tight on numbers and at least they've got to see you get married once?