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AIBU?

To ask advice it's a wedding one

29 replies

BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:19

I'm getting married this year. Bit of background have dc with ex-p am still on very friendly terms with ex mil and ex sis in law.

Went over there to exmil today to deliver very late Christmas gifts. They asked about the wedding and date setting etc.

I told them date had been set. Both ex mil and sil said 'we'll put in the diary'.

Like a bloody coward I kept quiet.

Erm what do I do? I didn't think they would want to come or had even considered inviting them! Also what do I say to my newish mil? Hi new mil this is ex mil?

I think I've dug myself a hole here. Help!

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Italiangreyhound · 08/01/2017 02:00

I must agree with LouBlue "I think if your DP doesn't want them there then you should respect that. He probably feels uncomfortable..."

Although I think he is silly to feel that if you divorced years ago. It is not like you are inviting your ex husband!

But also, BrightonBelleCat this is not just your exMIL it is your children's grandma and your exSIl is their aunt.

"... his divorce was quite acrimonious and he doesn't get on with ex currently or her family." So it is safe to say to him you will be happy to invite his ex's family to the wedding, if he wants to!

In you shoes I would just say to your finance... "I would like to invite my children's grandma and their aunt, I've known them a long time and in an ideal world it would be lovely for them to come to part of the day, whichever part your d-fiance would agree to." (Unless you actually don't want them there - in which case just tell them it is a small wedding).

However, I would also say to dear fiance "If you are uncomfortable, dear finance, then I will tell them it is a very small wedding and we won't be able to invite them."

You could say you will pop over and see them with some wedding cake and photos sometimes after the wedding. Or something similar.

Lemond1fficult · 08/01/2017 01:32

I get why it might seem awkward, but if you genuinely get on with them, (well enough to still buy Christmas gifts!) then they're your extended family, and always will be because of the dc. I'd invite them, and go out of my way to smooth things over with new dh and his family.

I think it speaks well of you that you can still have a good relationship - anyone who says otherwise is being childish.

notangelinajolie · 08/01/2017 01:22

They are family - they are your children's grandmother and aunt. If you have a restricted number of places and friends come higher up the list then don't invite them - but for the sake of 2 bufet places if it were me I would probably invite them. but then again I'm a bit of a wimp when it comes to family

Re inviting your DP's ex family - he doesn't have the same relationship so it's irrelevant. I think he should respect the fact that you have a good relationship with you ex mil and if you want them there then you should not feel bad inviting them. If you don't want them there it's fine too. It's your wedding! Good luck and congratulations! Sorry, not much help there.

lalalalyra · 08/01/2017 01:14

Why does your DP find it so weird? Has he met them?

My DH's inlaws came to our wedding. To them it was a family wedding - DH and DS1 (technically Dss) are their family. I didn't/don't find it at all strange that they wanted to be a part of his big day.

How lovely for your children that you've all got such a good relationship - it'll benefit them in the long run.

MommaGee · 08/01/2017 01:13

Do you want them there? If so I'd explain to DP as they're your friends now and they can help with DC. If you don't, which of them is most reasonable? Can you explain that you're just v tight on numbers and at least they've got to see you get married once?

Newtonmas · 08/01/2017 01:09

Perhaps you can explain to your DP that you're inviting your children's grandma and aunt? So it's not just seen as you inviting your ex-MIL and ex-SIL IYSWIM?

swimmerforlife · 08/01/2017 01:03

I take it that your having a sit down meal (not a buffet) in that case I think your going say to them that there's been a misunderstanding and that you are not going to be able to attend the wedding as it's small scale.

Not nice I know, I suppose you need to figure out whether it's going to be worth the fall out and have them there just for the sake of family harmony...

Or could you get your ExP to talk to them?

Yamadori · 08/01/2017 00:55

My ex-PILs, and ex-SIL/BIL/nieces all came to my 2nd wedding. Ex-nieces were bridesmaids.

LouBlue1507 · 08/01/2017 00:38

I think if your DP doesn't want them there then you should respect that. He probably feels uncomfortable and I don't blame him.

BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:38

It's 30 plus another 30. Most of the day 30 is made up of immediate family. So we only have about 35 spaces for friends.

OP posts:

seven201 · 08/01/2017 00:37

You need to be strong and tell them it's a very small wedding and that it would be weird for your new husband (I can see his point) so they're not invited. I'm a whimp and would probably start with lots of hints that get me nowhere. It was very presumptuous of them to think they'd be invited!

BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:37

If it was a big wedding then I would happily have them. But can't justify finding 4 spaces for ex-in laws really.

Also I don't know how exp feels about this but I imagine he would be a bit as well.

OP posts:

Inertia · 08/01/2017 00:36

For the sake of two people's buffet provision, it'd probably be worth inviting them in the evening to maintain good relationships with your children's gran/ aunt.

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:36

That's if you want to invite them of course.

Crispbutty · 08/01/2017 00:36

Has he met them?

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:36

How full s your guest list? 60 in the evening isn't that tiny.

QueenMortificado · 08/01/2017 00:35

Just embrace the want to share your special day

But if the op doesn't have space and doesn't want them there, nor does her partner then why invite them?

I bet they will feel awkward as fuck when they turn up and realise they're out of place because it's such a small wedding

Just don't invite them. But do tell them.

Patriciathestripper1 · 08/01/2017 00:33

Just embrace that the want to share your special day. It's only awkward if you let it be. If you are on good terms them just enjoy their company and they will be able to help out with dc's

BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:32

Tiny as in 30 or so people in the day 60 max evening.

OP posts:

HeddaGarbled · 08/01/2017 00:32

Oh god, nightmare! I think you'll just have to not send them invitations and front it out. If they ask, say, sorry, it's a very small wedding.

sonyaya · 08/01/2017 00:32

Really rude of them to be so presumptuous. Are you doing evening guests? Might be best compromise

BrightonBelleCat · 08/01/2017 00:31

The thing is exp and I split up bloody years ago. His divorce and everything is still quite recent. We met after him and wife split so no issues there. However his divorce was quite acrimonious and he doesn't get on with ex currently or her family.

That could change of course and hopefully it will at some point. He wouldn't want them there so I guess can't see my side of it.

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PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:30

The tiny wedding makes it much more tricky. How tiny is tiny? Could they come to the ceremony or evening do?

PurpleDaisies · 08/01/2017 00:29

He said how would you feel if I asked ex-w's family to the big day?

How would you feel if he'd invited his ex-wife's family? What did you say?

QueenMortificado · 08/01/2017 00:27

Next time you see them just say that wedding plans are coming along really well, you've set the date and only having a very small wedding, what with it being a second wedding etc. Say you'd have loved to invite them but the numbers don't work out and maybe you could go for afternoon tea just the few of you to celebrate closer to the time instead.

I think it's great that you have a good relationship with them but as its a potentially sensitive one I'd be inclined to go down the honesty route instead of just ignoring it and hoping they'll get the message when they don't receive an invite.

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