To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

[UnbelievablyChocolatey]

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. I get where you're coming from in wanting the the two of you to do bathtime. When my first was a baby DH and I both did bathtime together every night, not because it was a two man job but because DH had been out at work all day and hadn't seen either of us and wanted to spend time with us. It was a lovely time to sit and chat to each other and play with DS together. DH would then go downstairs and clean up while I fed DS.

Those who are very happy their oh has never changed a nappy and never had the kids on his own until they were at least two, surely you understand that to most of us this sounds horrific and divorce worthy? I didn't change a nappy till my son was three days old because I was recovering from the birth and my husband made sure I didn't have to get up. Ditto when he is sick he can go to bed, when I am sick I can go to bed because our child has two parents who can look after him. Any other arrangement would be completely unacceptable. If something happened to me he would know how to look after our child. To me that's a good relationship.

Ex never changed nappies but he was an expert at getting vomit and poo out of carpets and mattresses.
It sounds like the husband needs to find some confidence. He probably sees OP taking the lead and enjoying stuff like bathing the baby and feeling like a spare wheel. Cleaning could be his way of being a useful parent.

horrific and divorce worthy?

But it isn't. I am very happy. Our dynamics work for us.

Your analysis of my relationship is very wide of the mark.

I think you are right OP. Be wary. My DH was very keen to work as a team with our baby but he would always opt to walk the dog/nip to the shops/cut the grass and I would be the default parent for being with DS. Fast forward 2.5 years and DH had developed a fairly remote relationship with DS and inevitably DS would always want me to do bedtime/bath time/choose to come with me. I think you are right to steer your DH towards spending time with your son and you both sound like really lovely parents...just make sure you don't feel you are doing all the hard yards of emotional parenting.

DH has always done bath time in this house on his own. His choice and his way of bonding with our boys in the early months. He also cleans and tidies after I've taken the baby to bed. Find a routine that works for you OP.

gogo- but it's early days, your child is still very young.
Fast forward another 10 years and you may see things differently.

Basicbrown We live in a world where first-time mothers are more likely than first-time fathers to have gained some experience with siblings' or friends' children. That may b a pity but it's true.

Perhaps but I had had zero experience with babies and young children and I doubt I'm alone.

Basicbrown We live in a world where first-time mothers are more likely than first-time fathers to have gained some experience with siblings' or friends' children. That may b a pity but it's true.

Because no men ever have younger siblings?

Yes he most definitely has a bath every night! He's on solids and come the end of the day he is covered in all sorts of muck

Yes OwlDoll You've hit the nail on the head there. That's exactly what it was intended to be, as like I said before it was in fact DHs idea originally

Queen Perhaps this has changed; I hope so. But my generation of men (1952 vintage) were less likely than their sisters to be expected or even allowed to help look after younger siblings. I did not have one, I'm the younger of two, but when I was about eight I remember (and goodness only knows the context) my class at school being asked what we had done for the siblings many of us had - and the girls had overwhelmingly more experience than the boys.

When I was seventeen family friends had a baby and allowed me to learn the basics; ff so I got the full experience. I was very grateful to them when DS was born!

I don't think it's got anything to do with younger siblings though Andrew. It's more that the female takes maternity leave and so childcare naturally falls to her especially if the child is breastfed. I don't think in my memory I'd even held a baby before having my own.

Not in relation to the OP's specific set of circumstances, because it sounds as though her DH does try to share the workload, but in response to some of the responses on this thread: when I went back to work (in a high-pressure, professional role) after having been at home looking after 10 month old DD, it was like a holiday. I skipped out of the door every day.

This idea that the parent who has been out at work all day needs a break is absolutely hilarious. He has just had a day-long break...

Attitudes like that can also be damaging in the context of a relationship though, Rock.

One parent should not be disparaging about the other parents contribution.

Then you get the age old argument of who is the most tired

I see your point Andrew but I'm guessing OP's husband is of a later generation.

Cherry, I don't have any experience of anyone else's relationship, only my own. And in our case, DH and I agreed fully on this point. I asked him at the time whether we could share the parental leave with our second child and he said that no, he didn't think he could hack it. I totally agree that it may depend on the temperament of your baby, how well they sleep, etc, but again, I only have my own experiences on which to draw. Maybe if DD had been a bit less, er, lively, then DH and I might have felt differently.

It also seems to me (although others may feel differently) that it is hugely disparaging of the SAHP's role to suggest that, even though each parent has carried out a full day's work of equal length, the SAHP should continue to then "work" another couple of hours beyond the WOHP in the evening, and do all the nappies and bathtimes etc at the weekends and on holidays. Surely, if it were a matter of both partners equally respecting one another's roles then anything which needed to be done after the WOHP returned home (once the "outside world's working day" has finished, if you like) would be shared equally, because what had happened during the "outside world's working day" in each of their respective spheres would be considered to be equivalent?

But no one is suggesting that, Rock. But describing your partners work as "a day long break" might just get hackles rising. I wouldn't like someone saying it to me, and I wouldn't say it to bpmy husband either.

My brother was very much the same as the OP's husband when he was a new dad, works all day and then would rather do all the "house jobs" tidying up/washing up, take the dog for a walk etc not because he didn't want to spend tim with my nephew, but because he had never really been a "baby person" or had much to do with babies, despite the fact he and I have 14 younger cousins that we are all close to and spent a lot of time with growing up. I loved having a new baby almost every year for most of my childhood - I loved dressing them up and looking after them etc whereas my brother was only interested in the cousins that were old enough to run around in the garden with a football.

Once he had his own child, he struggled a lot at first because he found things too delicate or small so he felt like a big bumbling oaf, which knocked his confidence, especially when his partner or one of the grandmas would take over because he was doing it wrong. My brother is a 6ft2 rugby player - his newborn son seemed so tiny and fragile that every time he had to do something as simple as get him dressed, he found it hard because he was scared to hurt him by straightening his arms to get them into babygros if he was all curled up in his cot, his hands are big so he could barely fit a finger inside the arms of the clothes so even if he managed to get the baby's arm into the sleeve, unless it went on smoothly he struggled to get the clothes on properly and then even if he did get him into the babygro, he struggled to do up all the poppers because their small size was just too fiddly for him. He'd pick the baby up and if he couldn't position him "just right" then he'd panic that he'd drop the baby as he tried to readjust him in his arms because the baby was so small. He was terrified to bath him because he didn't want to hold him too tight in case he hurt him, but was always worried he wasn't holding him securely enough and was scared he'd lose his grip on a slippery wet baby and he'd fall underwater and drown etcetc

He got a bit more confident over time, and if he was left alone to do things with the baby, but it was a vicious cycle - because he was so nervous his partner was reluctant to leave him in sole charge of the baby, but the more she was around the more he let her do it because he felt like she was watching and judging him for doing everything "wrong", which meant that he got less practice and was less confident to do things alone and even if he did go out somewhere then there was always a family member wanting to coo over my nephew and hold him/feed him/change his nappy etc so my brother was never short of someone to do the jobs he wasn't confident with.

My nephew is now 18 months old and my brother is a much more involved dad because my nephew is bigger, walking, started talking a bit, and is a bit more independant so my brother isn't terrified that he'll break if he so much as looks at him too hard.

Also they can interact now - my brother is a huge football fan and even at 18 months old my nephew loves it - he's not quite got the attention for a full game, but he loves to sit with my brother in his own kit and watch the first bit and then he's more than happy to play with his toys while my brother watches the game and cheer randomly. You can sing songs and play games and play with toys together with my nephew now, even if it is just you building a tower of bricks and him knocking it down while laughing hysterically which my brother loves doing, watching my nephew bat at the toys hanging from his babygym playmat was boring to my brother so he struggled to muster up the enthusiasm everyone expected him to at the baby's progress in co-ordination, so he'd take himself off to do some busy work so he wasn't asked to pretend to be enthralled.

That's a fair point, but in my case it was DH telling me that my role was harder and that he couldn't do it. To be fair, I probably wouldn't have said it out loud to him if he hadn't volunteered it first!

For the people saying that there is no effect on the children of a 'traditional' model at home... there was a study that showed that girls' aspirations were affected by how much housework they saw their father do.

Not whether their mother works or whether their father bathed them, how much housework they saw their father do.

So cheeringly the OPs girls (if she has one) will still think that they can be engineers, doctors, teachers or scientists. But you lot with, 'sits on the sofa, never lifts a finger' partners may find that your girls aspire to only traditionally 'female' roles. You know, the badly paid, thankless ones

A man who's never changed his own child's nappy is a pathetic excuse for a father.

The person who should be at least the second most important caregiver has never deigned to do something so basic for their child's care? Really? Why the fuck not?

What happens if the mother is ill, incapacitated or God forbid, goes out by herself for a few hours?

I honestly can't understand why this is enabled in the 21st century. It's absolutely grim.

Terry that's really interesting. I'm not be sarcastic, that is genuinely interesting reading.

journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0956797614533968 There you go Buster. I'm Googling links while DH is washing up, ironically!