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Original poster

To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

437 replies

UnbelievablyChocolatey · 07/01/2017 18:55

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

OP posts:
midlifehope · 08/01/2017 16:16

Surely this is a problem that's a non problem. Her DH works, her DH cleans and does house stuff. Give the poor bloke a break. Why doesn't op just enjoy they fact she has a special bond with her baby right now. It will be totally different in 5 years when the baby is no longer a baby shrieking around the house, going nuts and roughhousing with Dad.

BusterGonad · 08/01/2017 16:31

Thanks terry. Wink

Zarachristmas · 08/01/2017 16:44

Fgs it's not just about changing a nappy.

It's changing nappies, holding the baby, rocking and singing to them, dressing them, wiping up their sick, bathing them, feeding them if not breastfeeding, dads can certainly do the weaning, carrying baby in a sling, walking baby in their pram, knowing what size babygrow they're in, knowing what size nappies they're in, knowing what the baby likes and doesn't like.

It's about a father getting to know his baby and caring for the child he helped to create.

Some of that is boring, tiring, smelly and literally shit, but that isn't a pass for dad to opt out. Some of it is wonderful and funny.

It's been proven that birth to 5 are so important so to claim a fathers bond doesn't matter before then is frankly ignorant.

Zarachristmas · 08/01/2017 16:49

If I was in hospital for a week then I know that dh could quite competently look after the children.

It's completely bizarre that any father wouldn't, with the exception of any extreme circumstances.

There is usually time for work and looking after your child. There are evenings, weekends and holidays to do lots of parenting.

53rdAndBird · 08/01/2017 17:42

Her DH works, her DH cleans and does house stuff. Give the poor bloke a break.

Like many mothers on MN, I work and clean and do house stuff. I wasn't aware that let me opt out of all the parenting work I didn't fancy? It's nice to know that half of MN will have my back when I start refusing to do it, though!

StealthPolarBear · 08/01/2017 17:44

53rd do keep up dear. You're a woman. Being a mummy is what you were made for.

Mindtrope · 08/01/2017 18:30

dads can certainly do the weaning

Only if there.

Your scenario is fuzzy and idealistic. Having a father who is out of the house for 80+ waking hours a week, then I am not sure how much help he can be with weaning.

Zarachristmas · 08/01/2017 18:39

Mindtrope I said apart from exceptional circumstances. Even working an 80 hour week there are still days off and holidays.

If the father genuinely cannot be there then he can't do a lot.

But how many times do we see on here threads where the first chance the father has a week off he's off on holiday with his friends?

Mindtrope · 08/01/2017 19:03

zara - but why have that nominal sharing?

I don't see weaning as superhero father skill.

poghogger · 08/01/2017 19:05

You don't see the point in sharing the raising of a baby?

Basicbrown · 08/01/2017 19:05

But you lot with, 'sits on the sofa, never lifts a finger' partners may find that your girls aspire to only traditionally 'female' roles. You know, the badly paid, thankless ones

Massive generalisation. Many women of my generation (me included) had this type of upbringing and have good jobs......

poghogger · 08/01/2017 19:06

And I don't know why you keep saying it doesn't make them a "superhero", no one is saying it does Confused

Basicbrown · 08/01/2017 19:08

Like many mothers on MN, I work and clean and do house stuff. I wasn't aware that let me opt out of all the parenting work I didn't fancy? It's nice to know that half of MN will have my back when I start refusing to do it, though!

Yeah me too interestingly enough DH puts the kids to bed while I clean up after dinner. I'd never thought before that this was 'opting out of parenting work'.

poghogger · 08/01/2017 19:08

Massive generalisation. Many women of my generation (me included) had this type of upbringing and have good jobs......

Yes this is true, it doesn't stop me thinking it's pathetic that my dad doesn't know how to iron his own shirts. And my mum resents the fact he just opts out of housework and the boring side of looking after the grandkids (nappies included) now and I just think.. well you both accepted that dynamic!

Zarachristmas · 08/01/2017 19:13

Because it isn't about just weaning, or just changing a nappy. It's about them spending time with their child, getting to know them, knowing what they do and what they like. It's about engaging with that baby and showing an interest.

Each to their own but dh just naturally got involved with the parenting from the start. It was never like "you must change 10 nappies to earn your dad badge", it was just natural and normal.

So many nights he'd bath the baby and then lie cuddling on the bed. Why wouldn't a father want to do that?

53rdAndBird · 08/01/2017 19:14

but why have that nominal sharing?

Speaking only for myself: it meant I wasn't responsible for every single parenting task ever. I could have a lie-in when DH was there, knowing he could look after DC by himself. I could go out occasionally of an evening/weekend, knowing DH wouldn't be helpless and baffled about how to handle a dirty nappy. When I was admitted to hospital a couple of times overnight when DD was a baby, I could at least be confident that DH didn't need me to send him detailed written instructions on my way to A&E.

But tbh, even if I hadn't cared one way or the other, DH would still have wanted to be able to do these things. Even for the non-fun stuff - nobody likes changing nappies or walking for hours with colicky babies, but it was important to him that DC knew he could provide comfort and support and fix problems.

LaurieMarlow · 08/01/2017 19:15

If a father is actually out of the house 80+ hours a week, then I can't see how he can have any kind of parenting skills, frankly.

Given that he spends virtually none of their waking hours with them. That's Victorian paterfamilias, pat them on the head before their bath, nothing more, right there.

And this is speaking as someone who absolutely gets the tyranny of long working hours. But 80+ hours per week simply leaves no time for fathering.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 08/01/2017 19:22

Are you serious Laurie? My husband is an excellent father and husband. His children absolutely adore him and want for absolutely nothing.

He works extremely hard to ensure we have the best possible life and that all our children, our son and daughters have the education they will need to be whatever they choose to be. And, he has never changed a nappy and has never needed to. His substantial qualities as a parent lie elsewhere. I am 100% certain that none of our children will suffer the slightest detriment because this is so.

I am perfectly able to look after my children when I am ill. If I was sufficiently incapacitated that I was unable to care for them we would have to make suitable provision as would any family in which one parent works.

It seems that many contributors to this thread think a man has to pass the 'hen pecked ninny-in-a-pinny' test to prove that he is a proper parent.

The lie that full time motherhood is harder work than working to provide for a family is predictably and boringly repeated here. I have certainly found bringing up my five children far more relaxing and less stressful than working for a busy law firm.

I am grateful to my husband for giving me the opportunity to devote my life to my family. To expect him to come home after a hard day and start doing my job for me would be unthinkable.

Zarachristmas · 08/01/2017 19:28

Working and wanting for nothing aren't the be all and end all.

Why is it 'hen pecked' and 'ninny in a pinny' to do some parenting?

Why do you find it strange that lots of men actually want to care for their children? In all sorts of ways.

LaurieMarlow · 08/01/2017 19:30

Honeybee, I couldn't personally call anyone an excellent father who spends no time with their children and cannot do basic tasks to cover their care. Not by modern standards. If we were in the 1950s, perhaps.

In my eyes he'd be an excellent provider, sure. But that's not quite the same thing.

Zarachristmas · 08/01/2017 19:30

Also you keep bringing it back to changing a nappy, as if changing a nappy, as though it's as trivial as that.

dawnmist · 08/01/2017 19:31

I agree honeybee, unless both parents are working, the one that actually goes out to work shouldn't have to come home and do housework, be it man or woman. I'm amazed that some do this.

waterrat · 08/01/2017 19:32

can't be bothered to rtft but jesus some people have low expectations of men.

'maybe he doesn't know how to bathe him' eh? it's a 10 month old not a 2 day old - I bet he can work out how to give him a bath just like his mum did.

and of course bonding with a child is important even if you also work.

Basicbrown · 08/01/2017 19:32

Zara why are you right and honeybee wrong? If it works, everyone is happy and the DC are well cared for what does it have to do with anyone else?

This type of one upmanship is really damaging to feminism and equality, women need to stand together in their choices rather than carping at each other. Until that happens the patriarchy will win.

Zarachristmas · 08/01/2017 19:35

Dawnmist it actually is very much about man/woman. Thousands of women across the country are working single parents doing everything. Thousands of women work full time and still do the lions share of the housework and parenting, and no one bats an eyelid.

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