To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

[UnbelievablyChocolatey]

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

Where it goes wrong is where both partners work but one is still expected to do the bulk of 'wifework'

Yes, indeed. I do think it's important that couples don't lay all the groundwork for this when the mother's on mat leave, too.

All the justifications upthread about how it's fine for dads to not be bothered with much of the parenting/housework, because he's tired after work or he shouldn't have to do childcare tasks he finds boring or "wow OP, you're so lucky, he tidies up, stop complaining!" You accept all that kind of logic, and you aren't going to end up with a fair split of duties once both parents are back at work.

"Kids become much more interesting to men when they can do things with them."

"You can't force husbands/partners to bond with their children according to your own preconceptions. They will do so in their own way and their own time."

God I wish I had a wife!

No wonder statistics show that marriage benefits men more than women. It must be lovely to have someone to keep things ticking over for you until you decide that you're interested in them.

Maybe we should extend maternity leave so women can go back to work whenever they feel like it, you know whenever it starts to become "interesting" to them.

Many do, Less. They become SAHPs, or work part time.

Basicbrown We live in a world where first-time mothers are more likely than first-time fathers to have gained some experience with siblings' or friends' children. That may b a pity but it's true.

No Andrew he hadn't had an experience before DS was born. But then again neither had I.

So here is an example. Today I am going to do the food shopping, and then this afternoon we are going to MILs for dinner. I usually leave DS at home (as I'm sure we all know shopping is stressful enough without having a child with you!)

DH has asked if I will take DS with me so he can go for a run and has said he will do the ironing. YES I know I should be grateful he is doing the ironing. However there are about three items, and I would usually do the ironing myself on Monday while my DM visits. Which he knows. DH is back to work tomorrow. So he has the opportunity to spend an hour with DS, doing whatever he wants, but he wants to have a run and do the ironing.

I can't help but find that a bit strange. He wants to keep fit, fair enough. But he could always go for a run later on when I'm home. Again, I don't know if I'm just reading too much into it. I do tend to wonder if it could be that he's maybe nervous to be alone with him??

Had DH any experience of looking after a baby before DS was born? A lot of men had not, if they had no younger siblings, and will have been subtly discouraged from taking any interest in them.

My husband had never even held a baby before our son was born. Looking after a child is hardly rocket science. The day after my baby was born my husband was visiting in hospital when the baby needed a nappy change, I asked if he knew how to do it and he said he was sure he could figure it out and gave me this face I've never bothered to ask if he knew what he was doing since as I figure that if I can do it then he can do it too, he's no less capable than me.

Op I just don't think your husband finds babies that interesting! I'm by no means sticking up for him as I'd be pissed right off if I had to do the shop with a child!

I feel it's easy to over analyse 'bonding'. I think a child will bond well with parents who show any sort of interest in them and show them they are loved.

But having said that, I absolutely do not agree with all this 'maybe he finds it boring' stuff. Big deal. Some things in life are boring. My job is boring. Doesn't mean I turn up for work then spend the day faffing in the kitchen tidying away everyone's coffee mugs.

YES I know I should be grateful he is doing the ironing.

Not unless it's only your clothes he's ironing, surely?

Anyway, I think the only way past this is to have a proper conversation with him about the pattern you seem to have fallen into. He possible hasn't realised he's doing this or ever thought about it, but he does need to know.

Op why should you be grateful he's doing the ironing? I'm assuming he wears clothes?
I think you need to have a proper chat with him, say that you're worried how little time he spends one on one with the baby and you'd be happy to do these other things while he spends time with the baby.

Looking after a child is hardly rocket science.

Indeed! It requires confidence, that's all.

It's also immensely pleasing and that is what I fear a lot of fathers don't grasp. My DS was ff - DW was taking medication which ruled out bf and in truth she was glad of having a reason not to, she did not want to - and I enjoyed the experience of turning a wet hungry squealer into a warm, dry, comfortable, contented, well-fed drifter into sleep so satisfying. He's 31 now and I am getting emotional just remembering those days.

Let him bond in his own way. If you would like him to bath DS or if he wants to do it on his own - let him. Two people doing it with you watching for the "bonding" is unlikely to be comfortable for him.

He pulls his weight with the jobs. Do it fifty/fifty if you want to share the childcare but DON'T try to direct how he interacts with his child.

I don't think you need to be grateful that he's planning on doing the ironing. Presumably he wears clothes too?

I think you really need to stop feeling that you have to be grateful that he acts like a responsible grown up. Cleaning etc should just be a normal part of life for an adult.

As for today, just say 'no, I'm not taking him to the shops, you can go for a run when I get home'. You're not preventing him from going for a run, you're just making it at a mutually convenient time.

Some women on this thread clearly have very low standards. It's actually really depressing and embarrassing. How could you actually be married to a man that never even changed a nappy?

Hmm, from your OP I think YABU, but the running and ironing thing I don't think you are. Tell him no you want to go shopping alone and he can run later. If there is a similar pattern of avoidance then maybe you have a problem.

Right, I have told him I'd rather do the shopping alone, so DS can stay with him. I've suggested maybe going for a walk with DS so he can get some exercise and some fresh air. Seems that is the plan now!

I will suggest he does bathtime himself tonight as well. I'm sure it won't be an issue. I genuinely don't think he's trying to piss my off or anything. He just baffles me sometimes.

OP I wanted to say that until their second was born my sister and her husband always did bathrobe bad bedtime for their first together. They really bonded over it.

So although it's not necessarily to have two people doing baths you're right that some parents use it as a fun way to be together and tactile with their child.

Thanks RhiWrites

No!!! You should not be grateful for him ironing even if it was a big pile!!! Why the hell should you be! This is just housework, not women's work. He is doing small tasks and pinning medals on himself for his hard work, always stuff he gets to choose too.

Just tell him that his plan doesn't work for you, then go shopping. I wouldn't plan or suggest anything, let him work it out, the same as you did.

If you don't make a stand now you will be doing this all your life, even if you return to work.

When do you get time to keep your home immaculate, could you be sacrificing time with your ds during the day to achieve this? Agree just get dh to do the bath sometimes, it really doesn't take both of you. Let him do swimming , park, soft play etc at the weekend. In many households the dad doesn't participate during the week due to other commitments.

You bath the baby every night?

OP - you made me remember how my husband once told me how he lived watching me babble away to our baby and how could get him to smile and respond. He said it made him so happy and he loved watching it, but he didn't know how to do that himself.

He got better with the next 3 babies though!

I think the "face to face" contact thing can be a bit harder for men - maybe? As I said, my husband was fine if he had a task. It was more the mundane "hanging out" sort of time that he struggled with (still does to an extent).

I did cringe when I read that OP and her husband were supposed to be doing bath time together like it some awesome treat.

It's boring. They don't need baths every day. It doesn't need 2 people. I honestly can't imagine thinking both parents need to do it every, single night so they don't 'miss out'.

busybee plenty of people Bath their babies every night as part of their bedtime routine. As long as there's no harsh chemicals involved it's fine for their skin. In the past we've used breastmilk, coconut oil, plain water and now we use oilatum baby stuff which seems to agree with his skin. Not really the point of the thread though.

Some women on this thread clearly have very low standards. It's actually really depressing and embarrassing. How could you actually be married to a man that never even changed a nappy?

What's so special about changing a nappy that turns a man into a superhero?

My OH has never changed a nappy and I have high standards.