To think DH is missing so much of the good stuff

[UnbelievablyChocolatey]

Let me start by saying DH is a wonderful man and I love him with all my heart. However, since having DS who is now 10 month old, some of DHs behaviour is really starting to bother me.

One example. Every night we are meant to bath DS together, as DH works all day so it was always meant to be something pleasant for us to do in the evening. But it always ends up being me bathing DS whilst DH is busy tidying up from tea or something like that. Bearing in mind that after bathtime I then give DS his feed and I put him down to bed. So he could always tidy up then.

It's the same on the weekends. If I nip out to do the shopping or something I'll get home and DH will have football on and be tidying up or something along those lines, and DS will be playing. (Our house is already spotless may I add!)

I just feel like he's going to regret missing these early memories. Tidying and all that can wait. Our DS can't. Or am I just being daft?

My husband does his bit BUT he works hard, pays our mortgage, pays for everything, doesn't begrudge me all I want and need. I do the donkeys work with our son but I don't work, our sons at school. I'm more than happy with my job. We are not in the U.K., I've looked for work and I can't find anything so at the moment I'm the home maker!!!

Basic my husband works his ass off, he puts in 110% if he says he's tired, believe me, he's tired!

But what about at the weekends? Or on holidays? Don't you both share the childcare then?? Sorry I'm really not getting it, you can frame it any way you like but to have a stance of "dh shall never change a nappy" is just weird.

It sounds like they've fallen into a dynamic where parenting is her job by default and he'll only take the baby out for walk/do baths/play with etc when she suggests it

It is tricky with men and BF babies as the mum in a way has to take the lead in the early months. But yes, now is a good time for all that to change.

buster why are you justifying your domestic arrangements to me? If you are happy with things that's all that matters.

My OH never changed a nappy.

I didn't have the stance of to have a stance of "dh shall never change a nappy" is just weird.

It's just the way things happened. He wasn't around much due to work, and I became better and more efficient at the process, we were both aware that I could do the task quicker and with less discomfort to the child.
I don''t see nappy changing as a big part of parenting TBH.

Well seeing as you say your dh didn't bond with his children until they were 3 or 4 then perhaps it is

poghogger I don't see that as a failing though.

Our kids have a great relationship with their father. No less than any other parent/child.

My OH is "old school".

Basic I don't know! I'm getting carried away with the moment, you know how it gets! 😂

Well as long as you're happy with him choosing to be "old school" then that's fine I guess, although I do wonder what your children will learn from that kind of dynamic.

Basic, that wasn't what I was getting at at all, to be honest.

Some posters on this thread have been critical of the DH for not doing much with the baby, even though he's doing his fair share in the wider context of the marriage.

The nature of this criticism is not that he should be doing more, but rather that he should be doing different things - more things directly with his son.

I don't disagree that ideally he would be spending more time with the baby.

However, to take that a step further and make out he is neglecting his child in some way, or that he is even inherently lazy, or take this as evidence of some deep seated attitudinal problem he has, I think is a peculiar perspective.

To me, that's like quizzing a parent who drops their child at nursery 'well what if the nursery wasn't open? What if you couldn't afford nursery? What if the nursery burned down?' You wouldn't say 'oh, you are right! Goodness, I am a misguided woman and I must care for my child myself.' You'd go but it hasn't!

Unless OP has reason to believe her son would lie in dirty nappies, ignored and unstimulated,if she were to be admitted into hospital, and it really doesn't sound like that, then it sounds like it's just a habit they've both got into. But you can't force bonding. In all probability it will come, but being critical of someone not playing with a ten month old (let's be honest, ten month old games are tedious in the extreme) and extrapolating neglect from that, is nonsense!

I like reading (and inventing) stories and I quite like some crafty stuff that isn't too messy, but I didn't do much play with mine at that age. Most of their games involved throwing something on the floor and me charging to pick it up before the dog "killed" it

To pick up on second section of original Op which is about her DH watching football rather than playing with his child, I think there are pros and cons to this. I think too many stay at home parents fill their childs day with activity and interaction to the point where kids become unable to spend an hour entertaining themselves. It is not always a bad thing to leave a child just quietly exploring their world. It is also important for adults to occasionally do something they enjoy at the weekends. This of course has to be balanced and her DH needs to also spend some time interacting with his child.

poghogger I don't know why you are so critical of my family arrangements.

It was very important to me and OH that our children should be cared for at home by a parent in the early years.

I feel the lucky one in being able to fulfill that role.

He is choosing to faff around with a task that doesn't need doing instead of spending time with his child, that's a problem.

He is not some sort of magical supreme being because he cleans a cup up!

Cherry - totally agree with your posts. Also agree with Mindtrope, thst there is no right and wrong 50/50 "childcare" split is not necessarily the ultimate solution for all.

You can't force husbands/partners to bond with their children according to your own preconceptions. They will do so in their own way and their own time. Having said that, I know what it's like with your first child OP - the bond is overwhelming, everything seems so special and you want to share the "moments" with someone.

My husband has always worked long hours and, to be honest, I never really expected him to "lead" with the kids because I accepted how his contribution to the family enabled mine and vice versa. So while I've probably done 90% of the direct care of our 4 children as a SAHM, he's paid for our home, the school fees and other opportunities and experiences that the DC would not have had otherwise and I have not had to expend energy worrying about. Our contributions have been different, but equally valid and I suppose we both just did what came naturally to us. As the children have got a bit older, DH has definitely bonded with them in his own way - e.g. he has far more energy than me when it comes to getting then out and about "doing stuff". He takes them camping, rock climbing and things that I wouldn't dream of!

So don't overthink the bath thing too much. Your DH sounds great and you both have so much more to come.

My OH is "old school" because he has never known family life.

His mother died when he was an infant, passed around aunts and grandparents until old enough to be dumped in boarding school, often not even coming home at holiday time.

I come from a very stable family. OH considers me to understand parenting and family life better than he does. Something he has never experienced.

He does what he knows best- supporting us and working very hard to give me the freedom to focus on creating a loving harmonious family- which we have.

Madinche1sea well said.

Sounds similar to our family.

sorry, but ime there is a lot of boring stuff with babies under a year old, the routine stuff is novel to start with but after a while it gets tedious and is another chore to be done.
dh is proactive and supportive in other ways, there will be lots more fun stuff with ds as he gets older [and much more interesting]

Our children are well cared for and loved, we are in a stable financial situation.

Luckier than many children.

Had DH any experience of looking after a baby before DS was born? A lot of men had not, if they had no younger siblings, and will have been subtly discouraged from taking any interest in them. If that is it, get him to the do the bath in your presence a few times so that he grasps that he really can do it. Both my BILs, then still single, learnt some of the basics using my DS - one of those babies who do not mind pass-the-parcel - as a guinea-pig. I have vivid memories of one of them nervously bathing his sister's slithery PFB. It was all to the good when their children were born and now one of them has three grandchildren to keep up his skills with!

People often use 'what will your children learn' as a way of being critical of your family dynamic and it's quite a negative stance which firstly assumes that children will live in a bubble of just your family and won't have other examples from school friends and so on, and secondly that the only things they will extract and analyse are the negative things.

I don't think that's the case at all. Stroppy arse teenagers aside, I think most of us grow to appreciate our parents whatever choices they made (abusive parents the exception.) My son has a lovely friend with a single mum and he will leap to her defence like a tiger if anyone is ever remotely critical of her not turning up to a parents' evening (she works as a home carer) or him going to breakfast club. He knows damn well she's doing her best. Now we could be sneery about her 'what is her child learning? That work/money comes before him? Sad face.' But he's not, because they love each other, and the love means he knows she's doing whatever she does for him, and his sister.

Similarly, you can be critical of a SAHM. Sad face, what is her child learning? I bet her child would say, that she loved us so much she was prepared to sacrifice her salary, her pension, her sanity (I jest!) to see our school plays and so we didn't have to charge round the supermarket in the evening or at weekends, and so it didn't matter if we were ill.

Loved children generally take the best possible reading of their parents motives because they KNOW they are loved.

If we stray away from OPs post - sorry, OP! - it would seem that to have a truly equal chance of bonding with your baby, things have to be equal. Equal night feeds, nappy changing, playing, singing.

But I don't think most of us are organised enough for this! You just sort of do what needs doing when it needs doing. If you've got someone blatantly sitting on their arse while the other charges around , or staying in bed when one parent is up and clearly frazzled, obviously that's wrong. But if you've got, when it's all chucked out there, two parents making a roughly equal contribution, but one isn't contributing in the WAY you want them to, then I think that's potentially problematic if you start getting on their case about it. it's the equivalent to the working parent telling the SAHP they are lazy and don't do anything.

I think the interesting thing is that there are two models which work:

• new age 50/50 responsibility for everything including financial and house/ childcare
• The traditional 50/50 where the man (or one partner it is 2017) took responsibility for financial and the other partner took responsibility for the house and DC.

I live in conditions in line with the top. I grew up under a traditional model, it hasn't meant I can't see past it though.

Where it goes wrong is where both partners work but one is still expected to do the bulk of 'wifework'. So my friends DP expects her to work FT but his job is still more important and so she runs around like a ragged chicken while telling me my DH isn't normal. She'd be quite happy with the arrangement Mindtrope describes. I wouldn't be, but we aren't all the same.

I understand what you're saying OP. You just want your DH to willingly spend some time with your DS, whether that be bathtime or playing or something but he seems to choose to tidy and clean instead (even when there is barely any to do). I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want/expect that. I think you should bring it up with him. There may be a reason he's not doing it or he may not realise.

FWIW DH has pretty much always done bathtime in our house. He wants to as it's something he can do and our 3 year old loves it. He also pretty much changes all the nappies when he's at home at the moment for our 3 week old. He also does his share of tidying and cleaning. And he cooks dinner if I'm busy feeding our newborn (I love cooking so normally do it if I can).

Had DH any experience of looking after a baby before DS was born? A lot of men had not, if they had no younger siblings, and will have been subtly discouraged from taking any interest in them.

A lot of women have no experience of babies either.