To think this is inappropriate at 12

[wonderingagain21]

I discovered my DD12 awake at 1am this morning on her phone (which I thought was downstairs). She has clearly worked out my restrictions passcode and was watching a film. I then started looking at her internet history and found that over the xmas hold she had done huge numbers of searches related to sex. Now I know she may want to understand certain terms, seems a reasonable use of the Internet but I'm talking more than 50 searches of the same things I clearly exploring more deeply. I'm a bit horrified as she seems too young for this much detail - tantric sex, numerous positions, porn etc . I had thought we were responsible parents but now I'm worried that if I put too many restrictions in place she'll find other ways to explore this stuff.

Well sending messages doesn't have to be controlled by your internet security, when they were younger mine had their phones taken off them at bed time.

The other stuff they don't even need to search for, it can be downloaded and passed between them, all you need to do is google how to by pass parental locks and it gives you lots of ways.

As a young parent, I remember a conversation with one who had teens about how you stop them doing stuff that is dangerous, she told me: " You can keep them in at night to stop them having sex, drinking and smoking, but then they can do all of those things at 3.30 on the way home from school too." Basically if they are determined to do the things, they'll find a way.

If people aren't confident in setting up parental controls then why on earth would they allow their children to have access to the internet. I don't understand it. Would you allow your children to have a stash of disgusting with images far worse than plain porn photographs in their bedroom and just hope they wouldn't look at them.

You can take steps to prevent it - at least you can in you own home and on your children's own devices. Unfortuanately you can't control what other children show them on their own phones.

BTW I find Apple restrictions easy to use and set up. You can specify exactly what apps a child has access to and that the internet search history can't be erased. It not perfect but definitely better than nothing.

Sorry for typos.

Wow kids really are growing up so much sooner these days. I'm 27 and i didn't have broadband til i was 15, and even then i didn't go looking up this stuff! To be fair though i'd had a few sex ed lessons by then. The age of the internet being so accessible maybe wasn't such a good thing if kids are looking up all sorts of sex and porn at 12.

Not addressing the OP here, but anyone who buys that all sex related searches are sterile curiosity at this age is being tremendously naive.

I got caught by my mum searching for sexual material at a similar age and curiosity was the excuse I used as well. The reality was that I was aroused by what I was searching for. That is perfectly normal in itself long before 12 - the issue is that clearly that capacity for arousal in one so young must not be exercised in actual sexual scenarios. The nature of a lot of internet porn is the other big problem, for obvious reasons.

But an awareness of and capacity for sexual thought/feeling in itself is entirely bog standard at 12. I recall masturbating over an imagined scenario a good few years before that age. Was I tremendously knowledgable relative to an older child? Probably not. Was I in any way ready or equipped to do anything with these feelings? Definitely not. But they were there.

Oh, and if anything I was a late bloomer when it came to commencing actual non-solo sexual activity (was 18).

This is all scary stuff. The first thing that I ever saw on the internet was porn. I was about 11, and at a friend's house. We didn't have the internet at home, and I only knew a couple of people who had it. The computer was upstairs in a bedroom, and the friend said "Have a look at this". She was clicking passed all these boxes confirming she was over 18, and then it just came up with some porn images, which appeared bit by bit on the screen. Then her parents came upstairs and she clicked it off. They had no idea, and the girl had a very innocent goody 2 shoes act going on. I wasn't interested in porn, and never have been.

I dread to think what gets shared around on kid's phones at school now. Ds is 8, but I know that in just a few short years, I'm going to have to start dealing with all these problems.

yesitsmeagain did you actually try googling big penis or assume? I've just done it as I found your post so hard to believe (fisting and gang banging) and the first 5 pages are surprisingly innocent (barely an actual penis there) and I don't even have parental controls.

train I didn't yesterday but happened to the other day. It may have been a slightly different search term but it was something equally simple as it was related to a situation similar to the OPs (although not my child). I've just checked again and the same results haven't come up. Our wifi breaks down quite often, that might reset the parental controls maybe?

But that's kind of my point. Maybe other people are better at controlling this than I am but I'm not going to leave my child's emotional health down to chance.

And as other posters have mentioned, other kids are as much the problem. Which is why my DCs do not and will never have their own 'devices'.

We have family devices for everyone to use in appropriate moderation in communal areas in full view. At night devices are kept in our bedroom for charging.

When they start going out and about this will need rethinking for the sake of 'tracking' (for want of a better word) and communication. But they will not have private access to the internet or social media.

Your dcs will never have their own devices? What till they're 18 and head off to uni as fast as they can and never return That is extremely controlling. You need to make sure they don't get money either as could easily buy one for themselves which you would know nothing about.
Absolutely ban till an age you choose, but to say never just sounds so unrealistic.

Trollinator, I have turned restrictions on but I can't see how to prevent the search history being deleted - do you remember how you did that? Thanks!

Iggi It's not about control actually, it's the opposite of control. It is about openness, transparency and honesty.

We have desktops, we have laptops, we have iPads and iPhones. All are available for everyone in the family to use for legitimate, clear and open use.

Before they leave school, do they need to have their own devices to have in their pockets, in their bedrooms, out of the house? No, I don't think so.

I think I sense one of those parents who says: " My child will never...

It is possible to restrict what your child accesses on the internet
No it really isn't. You can make it harder. The younger they are, the more effective that will be, but it's probably more dangerous to put restrictions on your child's internet use and believe that that will keep them safe and prevent them from seeing anything untoward.

Put the restrictions on but know that they will still see things you don't want them to so. There are numerous ways round all the software that claims to restrict them. If they don't know how to bypass your restrictions, they will have a friend who knows. If you remove all access to the internet, they will still have friends who will show them stuff!
When they find things that are disturbing but they have had to be very sneaky to see them - they're not going to come and talk to you!

Yesitsmeagain your approach is so tragically flawed. Close supervision and restriction of the internet works well for very young children. It has a very limited effect on teenagers, particularly as they get older. It also does absolutely nothing to prepare them for the future. So you've restricted your child's internet use up to the age of 16, now you really can't keep doing it any longer. They go out and buy their own phone that you know nothing about. They can now access anything, can't talk to you at all about it and the only things they have learnt from you is that the internet is a really scary place.

You have to discuss these issues openly and honestly with your children. Put guidelines and restrictions in place, but not so strictly that they won't come to you if they need to. Don't scare them, teach them - but also listen to them. If they tell you about a friend at school who sent a photo of themselves to someone - don't just tell them that was stupid and illegal, go gently and listen, they might just confess that it was them.

Before they leave school, do they need to have their own devices to have in their pockets, in their bedrooms, out of the house? No, I don't think so

Phones are available for all to use but they aren't allowed their own to carry around? How will they actually contact their friends, give them 5 different phone numbers and whichever one of the family answers hope for the best.

Don't be so ridiculous. And yes, it IS controlling.

Tearingoutmyhair - by 'curiosity' I don't think people were implying that it was 'sterile'. Of course there's an element of arousal/titillation/fascination to that curiosity; that's obvious. The point is that this is completely normal for a 12 year old to have those feelings.

I'm absolutely not saying a 12 year old should have access to online porn, of course. They shouldn't. But it's also totally normal that they would try to look for it.

So you children pick up your iPhone and use it? Your friends can't text you anything private or personal or it might be read by your teenagers? Curious and curiouser.

I don't believe any of that post to be honest. Either her children are in primary school or she has some very controlled teenagers.

You know what really strict parents make don't you?

MyWineTime
It is possible to restrict what your child accesses on the internet
No it really isn't. You can make it harder. The younger they are, the more effective that will be, but it's probably more dangerous to put restrictions on your child's internet use and believe that that will keep them safe and prevent them from seeing anything untoward

I'm saying the same thing as you. You can restrict it but, as I said in my post, you can't control what their friends show them. It's actually not that easy to get around some phones parental restrictions if they are set up properly. It would be amazed if anyone other than a specialist could bypass a correctly set up iPhone. Parental control software and apps have improved enormously over the years.

"Parental control software and apps have improved enormously over the years."

But still, where there is a will there is a way:

www.google.co.uk/webhp?sourceid=chrome-instant&ion=1&espv=2&ie=UTF-8#q=bypass%20apple%20parental%20controls

Sofassogood

I'm using iOS 9.3.4

Settings>>>General>>>Restrictions>>> PASSCODE >>> websites >>>

(Then either ) >>> Limit Adult Content. (This automatically bans most inappropriate sites and also allows you to add other websites that you don't want your child to access such as the Daily Mail or Mumsnet 😂)

(Or for younger DC) >>> Specific Websites Only. (Then you can chose exactly which website your DC can access)

With either option it's not possible to clear the search history or to use private browsing. It's a simple way to make it more difficult to access inappropriate or disturbing images. It's pointless if the restriction code is easily guessable though as the OP found out.

Hacking into restrictions is extremely difficult.

DarthPlagueis.

Haha, I followed your search to find a lot of out of date suggestions which rather goes to prove my point. I bet you can't find a link to get around Apples restrictions without having access to a back up or without some incredible jail breaking skills... 😉.

I bet you I can ;)

Go on then .... 🤔
I'm talking about a workable hack not a reset or where someone has access to back ups etc. I know nothing is 100% but the likelihood of a child even a really techy one getting around Apple restrictions is as good as zero.