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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this is inappropriate at 12

144 replies

wonderingagain21 · 07/01/2017 13:12

I discovered my DD12 awake at 1am this morning on her phone (which I thought was downstairs). She has clearly worked out my restrictions passcode and was watching a film. I then started looking at her internet history and found that over the xmas hold she had done huge numbers of searches related to sex. Now I know she may want to understand certain terms, seems a reasonable use of the Internet but I'm talking more than 50 searches of the same things I clearly exploring more deeply. I'm a bit horrified as she seems too young for this much detail - tantric sex, numerous positions, porn etc . I had thought we were responsible parents but now I'm worried that if I put too many restrictions in place she'll find other ways to explore this stuff.

OP posts:
MsJudgemental · 07/01/2017 21:09

Crazy are you for real?

Sybys · 07/01/2017 21:15

areyouallcrazy what a vile post.

And the OP put restrictions on their broadband, but her dd worked out the password. In hindsight, should have used a more secure password, but I hardly think that makes her a failure as a woman.

You seem to be a failure as an empathetic human being.

SalemSaberhagen · 07/01/2017 21:16

Ah I feel sorry for chrissy! I think it's great that you can discuss that with your DS.

The does it feel nice made my toes curl though!

dollydaydream114 · 07/01/2017 21:31

areyouallcrazy - Oh, absolutely just fuck off. You sound like a hysterical member of one of those weird US fundamentalist cults.

Nobody is saying it's OK for a 12-year-old to be watching porn. We're saying it's normal for them to be interested in sex and trying to find ways of finding out more about it. No, I wouldn't want a 12-year-old to be looking at porn and I would be talking to them about it if they had, but the fact that they've found a way to do so does not make anyone a failed parent. Stop being so utterly spiteful.

Jokeaboutmyhotchoc · 07/01/2017 21:35

areyouallcrazy

No but you are.

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 21:36

wonderingagain21 my dd is 12 and has a phone, I am off up to see what she is watching!!

What with all the horrid comments about a mum asking her child about their interest. Maybe they have a better, communicative relationship than some parents and children!

gillybeanz · 07/01/2017 21:37

areyouallcrazy

Clearly identifies the head in the sand parent, oh dear, her poor children.
Oh dear Grin

elfonshelf · 07/01/2017 21:38

Good grief - what an unpleasant thing to say areyouallcrazy.

FWIW, it's nothing new - I remember us all sniggering over porn magazines at Prep school when we were around 8 or 9 and that would have been very early '80's.

At my naice grammar school, over half the girls in my year in my boarding house were sleeping with their boyfriends by the age of 13, and we all read copious quantities of Mills & Boon, Jackie Collins and 17 magazine etc.

To the OP - if your DD doesn't know that you know what she was looking at, then I would probably keep quiet and just keep an eye on what sites she is looking at. Much safer than her discovering how to cover her tracks and you not knowing if she's accessing sites that are potentially dangerous.

Brollsdolls · 07/01/2017 21:39

My 13 yo has to hand her phone to me at 10pm and I keep it in our room at night. She tells me her friends are on whatsapp to each other at 3am 😳. She thinks we're very mean parents to not let her do the same 🤔

JerryFerry · 07/01/2017 21:41

2ducks For a moment there I was trying to imagine a wifi box so big it was shin damaging 😁

Yesitsmeagain · 07/01/2017 21:46

The problem here is not the sexual awakening of a 12 yo (something as old as the hills), but the fact that a 12 year browsing the internet for sexual gratification is likely to view some extremely violent, mysogonistic, emotionally and socially damaging sexual content.

The kind of unsuitable content so easily available online for our children to view is a million miles away from what children of the 90s and earlier had access too. It is graphic, it is unrealistic and it is damaging young people's expectations of their bodies, their place in society and their relationships.

2ducks2ducklings · 07/01/2017 21:51

Jerry and Msjudgmental - somehow I suffered an interesting technical blip regarding a serious cross thread issue! I was posting on a lowly buggy board thread and somehow found myself here Confused

dollydaydream114 · 07/01/2017 21:55

What with all the horrid comments about a mum asking her child about their interest. Maybe they have a better, communicative relationship than some parents and children!

I don't think anyone thinks it's a problem to have a conversation with a child about the fact that they've been searching for stuff like that online; it's more that asking a 12-year-old boy "Does it feel nice?" when he's been searching 'women with big boobs' is just cringey and a bit boundary-crossing. Being open is one thing; being intrusive is another. Fine to address the fact that he's been searching for stuff that isn't OK for his age, but equally his actual sexual thoughts and responses should very much a private thing for him.

You can discuss sex without asking your child if they were turned on by something - and you can use language that's appropriate for the kid's age. 'Does it feel nice?' is the sort of thing you'd say to a toddler going through the willy-fiddling phase, not to 12-year-old searching the internet for wank fodder.

Sybys · 07/01/2017 21:57

Yesitsmeagain - I completely agree, internet pornography can be far, far more damaging than whatever material kids were exposed to a generation ago.

The OP did the right thing in putting restrictions on their home internet, but obviously needs a more cryptic password.

There should be software installed on children's devices to, because obviously they can connect to networks other than their home WiFi.

Shockers · 07/01/2017 22:01

I don't think anyone on here feels that a 12 yr old searching porn sites is healthy, but it's happened and the OP is asking for support on how to deal with it.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 07/01/2017 22:01

It's normal for 12 year olds to be interested in sex. Once they go to senior school they're exposed to the conversations the older girls are having and often asked if they know what a BJ is etc. Of course they don't want to look like 'babies' and not know. Looking things up on the internet, sexual or not, is what kids that generation have been brought up to do. We cannot blame them, or be surprised, when that thing is a term/word/practice that just happens to be sexual.

The 11 yo is still at that age/stage where she'll just ask me, but I don't expect that to last much longer. It's normal to feel embarrassed at asking your mum what x means, much less embarrassing to google it.

The 11 yo is FULLY aware that when she googles something, other things that aren't what she meant might come up. She almost always asks if I think googling something will be ok and often asks me to look first. I'm equally aware this probably won't last too much longer.

Often she will ask why what she wanted to google would mean that there might be things she didn't want to see and I'll tell her (pussy was one).

We cannot stop them accessing things we'd rather they didn't, innocently or intentionally, but we can give them the tools to deal with it.

I'd have words about using her phone when she knows she wouldn't be and I'd tell her that if it happened again the consequence would be x. I'd remind her that it's not a rule I'd made up 'to be mean' but because she needs her sleep, as all kids her age do, but that you can only set the rules for her, not all her friends.

I wouldn't mention what you've seen, just keep an eye on the sites she's spending time on. Better to know than have her hide it if she knows you're going to check.

Yesitsmeagain · 07/01/2017 22:02

Here's a curve-ball thought.

Should children have their own 'devices'?

The Government and IPs seem currently unable to fully protect our children against unsuitable and damaging content.

Does their emotional safety trump their social desire to be online?

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 22:05

dollydaydream114 the comment made to the person who posted about this are just plain mean.

Jokeaboutmyhotchoc · 07/01/2017 22:07

What with all the horrid comments about a mum asking her child about their interest

That's not what the poster in question did. She was asking her 12 year old son about his turn ons Confused

DistanceCall · 07/01/2017 22:09

12-year-olds are EXTREMELY curious about sex. It doesn't mean that they are about to start shagging everyone left and right. But yes, of course she'll come across things like tantric sex, positions, and porn on TV, magazines, the radio, etc., as cultural references.

It's perfectly normal. The important thing is to make sure that she feels that she can bring things up with you and you won't be horrified.

TrillKitten · 07/01/2017 22:10

Didn't read all the above so sorry if someone mentioned it but turning of wifi wont stop her using cellular data ... you know that right?

Lifeisshort123 · 07/01/2017 22:17

DS now 18 was like this at about 11/12 and it concerned me, I use safe search for my kids up until 16 now!:)

DarthPlagueis · 07/01/2017 22:18

"At my naice grammar school, over half the girls in my year in my boarding house were sleeping with their boyfriends by the age of 13."

You didn't actually believe them did you? Its the biggest thing people lie about in school! Lots of my friends said they had done it young, much later as adults it came out that lots of it was fibs.

To the OP, its normal, remember being that age and all of the talk?

Italiangreyhound · 07/01/2017 22:24

wonderingagain21 hope you are feeling a bit better, good to have a plan how to tackle this and keep the channels of communication open. I've told dd to ask me about stuff, she may or may not, she is quite open sometimes. It is hard work. Hope all will be well.

Jokeaboutmyhotchoc "That's not what the poster in question did. She was asking her 12 year old son about his turn ons" That's a rather gross caricature of what she said, isn't it. Quite mean really to say that when all the poster was doing was sharing on another person's thread. But anyway, I won't engage on this point again, just pretty shocked how unpleasantly some people can interpret stuff.

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